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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 14:31

Ha ha! No his name's not Ian.

I would love to implement all of these things that you are all kindly suggesting. I have tried to change things and I keep telling him that she's nearly 15 etc etc.

Before her text asking for a lift last night I asked him if she was coming on Wednesday (tonight). He said "what am I supposed to do when she won't communicate with me". I told him that it was manners to let people know what your plans are. Aside from the issue with lifts there is also the issue that he always gets her precisely what she wants for tea so I would have to go the supermarket too to buy in what she wants.

I know that he is terrified that she won't come if we don't collect her but it's becoming ridiculous. I'm picking her up after work tonight, after I finish work, so I'm going to have a chat to her in the car. I'll phrase it nicely but make it clear that I'm not prepared to carry on giving lifts when she's perfectly capable of walking.

OP posts:
Sunnyjac · 19/07/2017 14:36

One mile is about 10 minutes, she doesn't need help with that by car or your husband walking her. Tell them to sort themselves out and leave you out of it! YAdefinitelyNBU

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 14:37

To answer some questions.

Usually on a Saturday her mum asks her to go out with her but DSD says no because she wants to relax in her room. Fair enough. When she arrives at ours (either mum has returned by then to drop her off or I pick her up) it's about 5.30. We sometimes go out for dinner, me, DH, DSD and my DS or we get takeaway. She hardly ever wants to come earlier than 5pm. Then on a Sunday she gets up at 9.30. Its clear that she wants to go home as she brings all of her bags downstairs when she gets up. But then we have two hours of my DH asking her if she would like to go anywhere or do anything. We offer to take her for Sunday lunch/shopping etc. She just keeps shrugging her shoulders.

By this point my DS has usually gone out with his mates.

Eventually she admits she wants to go home, usually at 11.30 at which point my DH and I take her home. It's not quality time at all.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 19/07/2017 14:37

She is playing you all like a fiddle probably feels she deserves a lift she will have her own made up in her head reasons, she has no boundry though does she ? You need to either stop it or tell her you will pick her up at x time especially on a Saturday if you have plans tell her you are going out and she will be picked up at time if not picked up later. Kids like boundries it makes them feel safe ime if she is left to do as she likes it can look like to a teenager that her dad isn't bothered.

Seeingadistance · 19/07/2017 14:39

My ex husband doesn't drive, and it really irritated me that it was automatically and unthinkingly assumed that I would do all the driving of son back and forward between our two houses. I do think that people who don't drive seem to think it's something magical that just happens and have no appreciation that the driver is often putting themselves out for the benefit of others and/or a quiet life.

My son is now 15, and since he started high school has been getting buses, trains and walking to get from A to B. He would prefer to go in the car - no doubt about it - and I will sometimes offer a lift as a treat or if it happens to suit me. The indecisiveness about time, does seem not untypical of a teenager but it is being encouraged by being pandered to every time.

I think she should be more than capable of what it actually just a 10 minute walk.

But, if your DH insists that she cannot put one foot in front of the other, then he should arrange and pay for a taxi for her. That means you can plan your time without having to think about whether or when you need to pick up DSD and your DH will be the one who has to spend his day hanging about, unable to make any plans, and then has to get transport organised.

One or two taxi days, and I guarantee that he'd suddenly realise that 14 old girls are able to walk.

glitterlips1 · 19/07/2017 14:39

They are all taking the pee out of you. I wouldn't be texting her, I would be calling and getting an answer instead of allowing it to drag out via ignored texts messages. I would make plans, if she wants to come then she has to be at your house at x time. If she is not there she doesn't come. At 14 I walked everywhere, my parents would occasionally drive me somewhere special but usually I would get on a bus or walk!

SapphireStrange · 19/07/2017 14:43

he always gets her precisely what she wants for tea so I would have to go the supermarket too to buy in what she wants

No, YOU always get her precisely what she wants for tea, if it's you who goes to the supermarket for her!

She is taking the piss but I have to say, from the sound of her dad/your DH she has learned from the best.

MikeUniformMike · 19/07/2017 14:43

Sunny, I think it takes a bit longer than 10 minutes to walk a mile. 15 minutes is a moderately brisk walk.

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 14:44

To be honest, it sounds like she doesn't want to be at yours.

Your dh can sense it, hence the ridiculous Disney behaviour to try and keep her.

Ultimately, that's not your problem though.

The more your dh treats her like a precious visiting guest the worse it will become. He's just delaying the inevitable.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 14:51

I suppose the hard thing for me is inadvertently becoming the reason that she doesn't come. I don't want that responsibility. Like I said I would have no problem if she lived with us permanently. It's all the not knowing when she's coming and putting plans on hold that gets me down.

My DH adores her and will do anything, even putting me out every time she comes, to ensure that he sees her. I don't blame him for that but on the odd times that he has walked to pick her up I have felt like I'm doing something wrong by not offering a lift.

I don't want to upset anyone, I just want to make my own plans without having to consider whether I'll be needed to give lifts.

OP posts:
WizardOfToss · 19/07/2017 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hissy · 19/07/2017 14:53

Every Saturday morning I ask DH what time DSD is coming. He texts her. No reply. We then can't plan to do anything on a Saturday because she "might" want to come at 2pm/4pm/6pm/not at all. She's decided she's not coming as late as 6pm, by which time the day has been wasted.

YOU MAKE PLANS, YOU FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM. She has the respect for you or she misses out. You are letting her call the shots on your entire family weekend here and she does not give the shiniest shit about how she is impacting on you/your family

On a Sunday we have no idea what time she wants to go home. So DH sits there cajoling her into giving us an answer, which sometimes takes two hours.

How have you not throttled the pair of them? Shock 2 hours? fuck that, and then fuck it some more!!

I know I'm being weak and ineffectual here. I just wondered if I was BU to put my foot down. I did say this morning that if she keeps not telling me what she is doing then she can walk. This was met with a disapproving silence. Apparently because she's a girl it's different to DS walking everywhere.

So you are allowing this blatant sexism in your home? what do you think this teaches DS?

You have a H problem, not a DSD problem.

Stop putting up with this shit!

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 14:54

Yes, I completely understand feeling that you might be the reason she stops coming.

You end up doing all the pandering too, even though you don't want to because you don't want your dh to blame you when she stops coming because you've put your foot down.

It's not as easy as some people think. When it's your own child, it's ok to just deal with it and you end up with a better relationship because of it.

Step parenting is so difficult.

Hissy · 19/07/2017 14:55

My DH adores her and will do anything, even putting me out every time she comes, to ensure that he sees her.

He does know that one day she will have her own life and family and all he will have in his life is YOU (if you have a lobotomy and continue to put up with this crap that is)

If you do not put yourself on your own list of priorities, he won't, and she certainly won't.

WizardOfToss · 19/07/2017 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

supermoon100 · 19/07/2017 14:57

I feel a bit sorry for her having to stay at yours on wed and getting picked up at 7 am just so her mum can see her boyfriend!

Hissy · 19/07/2017 14:58

Your H has created your role as the bad guy, him as the weak and pathetic sop who trails around after her like a love sick puppie.

How exactly does he think teaching this attitude will serve her in the real world?

Family conference time, and a timetable.

DSD - are you coming round today? we're planning this, that and the other, if you want to join in, be at ours at X time.

and on Sunday, we're planning this, then lunch and then something else' Are you staying for lunch or not? or find out when your mum wants you back to hers for lunch?

Hissy · 19/07/2017 14:59

I feel a bit sorry for her having to stay at yours on wed and getting picked up at 7 am just so her mum can see her boyfriend!

At least someone in this family is having a life!

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 15:01

hissy the lobotomy comment made me laugh! Thanks for cheering me up Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 15:05

Her mum is doing nothing wrong in my view. I know only too well how having prowling teenagers in the house can sabotage any chance of a decent sex life (particularly in a new build with walls like tissue paper). Her mum just wants her elsewhere for two nights a week so she can have some time to herself. I don't blame her one iota for this. It's DSD's dad who needs to realise that she's not his little girl anymore.

If she was mine I'd just say tough shit love, no more ferrying you around. However she's not mine and I have to be a little more diplomatic.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 19/07/2017 15:06

he always gets her precisely what she wants for tea No he does not - YOU DO!!!

You are being taken for an absolute mug here OP. Can you explain why DH doesn't drive?

Madonna9 · 19/07/2017 15:07

Why not turn it around?
Say, I can you pick you up/bring you at this and this time. Let me know if you'd like that or if you will walk.

tinypop4 · 19/07/2017 15:08

If you're happy to drive her I would just say 'dsd I will be round to collect you at 10am/midday/5pm/whatever - if you are not there then you will need to walk here. On Sunday I'll take you home at 10am. Looking forward to seeing you'
Don't hang around all day waiting for her to decide

Afterthenight · 19/07/2017 15:11

So your ds never gets to go out at the weekend with you because your dsd won't say what time she's coming?

Can you not make arrangements and say dsd we are going out to x at y time,if you want to come we will pick you up at z time. If you don't fancy it you could walk down later.

MrsJayy · 19/07/2017 15:13

I think your chat might do her good I am not a step parent but i do think you can address this with her and your husband should go and get her bloody tea. Pp is right she isn't a visitor to put the bunting out for she is part of the family she needs to be treated as such, again I am not a step parent so i have no clue how stressful all this is.