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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
user1492692527 · 19/07/2017 13:03

I would absolutely start setting the times yourself. "If you want to come I can pick you up at x oclock, otherwise can you make your own way here. I can take you back at y oclock on Sunday. If you want to go earlier/stay longer I won't be able to do this' Rinse and repeat.

ThouShallNotPass · 19/07/2017 13:06

Wow! 0.9 miles is less than the length of our small village and my 10 year old and her buddies roam it all day long! She doesn't think twice about walking out to her friend's house that is almost a mile away. It takes about 10 mins tops!

Tell DSD no once in a while. Ease her into it.
Or, if you fancy the exercise go for a walk to get her. (Personally it would be a good excuse for me to start getting in shape now the sun is out). Once there she would need to walk with you. Let her see it's hardly any effort at all.

OverTheHammer · 19/07/2017 13:09

She's clearly doing this on purpose to show you that she's in control. I'd take that control away from her straight away! Saturday is say "we're going out at 10am so can either pick you up before then or it will have to be after 5pm when we get home".

Sunday I'd say "do you want taking home before or after we go out?" If she shrugs her shoulders, tell her it's not far to walk so you'll be going out now but if she wants to leave you get back she can walk and lock up after herself".

As for picking her up after work - if you've decided you're working late, stick to it and tell her you'll be passing at 7pm if she wants a lift, otherwise you're unable to do it.

She's sounds very, very irritating.

GlitterSparkles17 · 19/07/2017 13:11

YANBU, your DH is.

She's a teenager so obviously thinks the world revolves around her, that's just normal.

If I were you id make whatever plans you want to make then get DH to ring her and say "were doing X today, we can either pick you up before at X time and you can come with us or we will pick you up after were done at X time. You have your key so feel free to let yourself in if you want to come while were out"

Or get your DH to do his driving lessons so he can be the taxi service for her.

ijustwannadance · 19/07/2017 13:11

I don't understand why she can't bring her stuff and get ready for school at your house and go from there.Confused

How does she get to school and back every day? Does mum drive her everywhere too?

llangennith · 19/07/2017 13:12

I think you know exactly how to deal with this OP so stop being pathetic and act on all the good advice you've been given here.

eyebrowsonfleek · 19/07/2017 13:15

You wouldn't let her get away with this shit if she was your dd.

Either you agree to pick her up at a specific time each week(and if she's not ready then she walks to yours) or you treat her like your son and make her walk.

My ex allowed our kids to pull similar shit and they'd often say that they aren't sure if they're going when he was the disciplinarian when we were together. I had to put my foot down and say unless you've specific plans or are ill then it's non-optional. It's completely unfair that Disney Parents create these situations where the other parent is forced to be bad cop. 😡

Tell her mum this plan. You'll be coming at 11am (or whatever reasonable time) and if she's not ready then it will be assumed that she's not coming and you will leave (or expect her to walk to your house later) She's had lots of practice bring ready for a specific time thanks to school so this is not outrageous.

You'll probably need to hide a spare key at yours to combat her forgetfulness.

wannabestressfree · 19/07/2017 13:16

Ok GIve her a lift if it is workable for you....as in 'I am just leaving work am I collecting you'? if she doesn't answer go straight home and do NOT go back out.
With regard to the weekend what you are doing is nuts. If she is due Sat stop asking her when she is coming, stop chasing, tell her you are going on and then bloody go. If your DH wishes to stay in then let him but you cannot sit and wait......... its nuts.
Remind her to bring her key everytime....
If her mum is so desperate for the 'break' then she will facilitate the waking up and reminding her etc. She is ruling the roost and you are all allowing it. Make it a non issue though. Don't be angry just say no to the changing the plans of all to accommodate one.

Underthemoonlight · 19/07/2017 13:18

She needs to walk and your dh needs to learn to drive

ALittleMop · 19/07/2017 13:21

It's a DP problem

He's being totally passive and pandering in his relationship with his DD

She's being a faffy/indecisive teenager who doesn't get how irritating it is and how much it might inconvenience you to not know what you are doing. That's not her fault, it's his.

If she needs to be collected, he can walk to fetch her if you are too busy.

I think it is fine to pick her up on the way home in the eg in your OP, but it is ridiculous for you both to hang around waiting for her all day. the 14 year old doesn't get to plan how 3 other people spend their time.

It needs to be I can fetch you at x time, or you can wander up any time you like but we are going out at x time. And I think your DP should just walk down and collect her to demonstrate that using legs and feet to get places is possible.

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 13:21

I think you know exactly how to deal with this OP so stop being pathetic and act on all the good advice you've been given here

WowShock

llhj · 19/07/2017 13:23

How can she be great fun if this is her behaviour? Sounds insufferable to me.

ALittleMop · 19/07/2017 13:24

If she needs to be collected, he can walk to fetch her if you are too busy.

or if you don't feel like it, or if you don't want to.

Yorkshirelass453 · 19/07/2017 13:25

My DD is 14 and walks to and from school every day - it's not a short walk but as I work it is essential. Teenage girls are a nightmare to pin down to plans and then expect you to jump when they suddenly need you. If you do carry on driving her - even if just occasionally give her a time you will collect and pick up - no negotiation. She can fit around you or walk!

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 13:25

She's being a brat, but dh is enabling that. It's not really her fault.

Op shouldn't have to parent this girl and teach her right from wrong. Her parents should!

However, when it's affecting op, she has no choice but to take control.

BraveBear · 19/07/2017 13:26

Well the poster has a point. The OP hasn't addressed any of the advice she's been given, and in those cases the woman usually just wants to have a safe vent but change nothing.

DancesWithOtters · 19/07/2017 13:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonaldStott · 19/07/2017 13:27

Everyone apart from your son is being unreasonable.

You are being a mug.

If dsd doesn't want to come because you won't pick her up at a time of her choosing TOUGH SHIT.

Any particular reason your husband couldn't give a shit about your feelings on this matter?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/07/2017 13:28

The issue here isn't the actual driving, this is much more about the impact of DSD refusing to do anyone the courtesy of indicating times. So DH learning to drive doesn't solve many of the problems unless the OP is happy to spend her weekends dong separate things and leaving the DH at home to pander to DSD.

The OP isn't refusing to give DSD lifts, but she doesn't want to spend Wednesdays and weekends on pins just waiting for 'the call'.

As PPs have said, you need to take away the element of control that the DSD has. Suggest specific times when she can be picked up, and if she ends up walking but can't get into the house because she hasn't bothered to pick up her key - tough.

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 13:36

No, the problem isn't the driving. If DP learnt to drive, there would still be the differences between the 2 kids and 2 sets of rules for 1 family.

Nikephorus · 19/07/2017 13:36

Easy - on a Saturday you ask her what time she wants picking up, if she doesn't bother to reply then you text again to tell her what your plans for the day are and tell her that if she wants to come over she'll need to walk & bring her key and you'll be back at x, or if she wants to be part of the day then she needs to say immediately & you can pick her up at y on your way out. But if you don't hear from her you get on with life as planned. If she decides not to reply then that's her problem (and DH's). Don't pander to her or to DH.

MachineBee · 19/07/2017 13:41

I wouldn't hide a key. She'll soon learn to remember it if she's left hanging around until you get back. And learn a lesson in being considerate regarding arrangements.

When you are a SM you are constantly trying to counter the 'wicked SM' label, but frankly, you are battling centuries of stereotyping. In other words you're on a hiding to nothing. Take back control. Decide what you are and aren't prepared to do, inform those involved, and stick to your plan. Stay calm and dignified and try not to feel guilty.

Your DS will appreciate you playing fair, your DSD won't appreciate anything at this point but will benefit from it in the long run -both for her physical health, but also to show her how to manage relationships.

If your DH gets cross with you, thats another matter. He needs to realise that he is doing his daughter no favours. Would he have followed DSD around with spoons of food when she was a toddler, trying to cajole her into eating her greens? This is no different.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 19/07/2017 13:44

Make family plans. Tell her what, and when she has to be at your home for.

Leave it at that.

If she isn't there by the time you have to leave, go without her.

She is deliberately having everyone dances her tune. This is definitely passive-aggressive behaviour.

Maybe it's because you're her step-mother, maybe it's because she is a stroppy teenager - either way, don't let her rule your ives.

rinabean · 19/07/2017 13:51

People are obsessed with taking away control for teenage girls and then get really confused when they start reasserting it with eating disorders and other self harm

Why is it wrong for her to want some control?

Why is it wrong for her to not want to walk a mile and back to a house where her father is apathetic about her and her stepmother verges on hatred for her?

None of you would walk a mile to a house where you'll get treated like shit and deliberately divested of all control, why should she?

rinabean · 19/07/2017 13:52

taking control away from teenage girls, that should say

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