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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 19/07/2017 15:15

And just stop being a Taxi it is fine not to do it.

Veronicat · 19/07/2017 15:15

Have a glass of wine in the evening. Then DH would have to fetch her.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 15:17

DH has never driven. He cycles to and from work. No idea why he doesn't drive. He certainly has always earnt enough to learn.

So let's say I'm at home, no plans, and DH asks me if I can pick DSD up. Is not wanting to a good enough reason? I can definitely see that not going down too well.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 19/07/2017 15:18

Actually I think if DSD mother is pressuring her to fuck off out of the house so she can have a shag, knowing this will be detrimental to DSD social life, she is very much in the wrong.

When my DC were little a set, but slightly flexible plan for seeing their father. At DSD age she should be seeing him when she wants to, the same as any young adult. If that means her mum has to rein it in a bit then tough shit. My DD regularly saw her father at that age but didn't want to stay over. It's really not unusual.

Although I still think you are being trampled all over and seem a bit of a martyr, I also feel sorry for DSD. She should have a bit more freedom about when she sees her dad and maybe she will stop being so ridiculous about not being able to walk for fifteen minutes.

My teen DC meet their dad to go shopping/sports events/cinema/out for lunch etc. Sometimes that is with his DP and her DC and sometimes it's just him and one or both DC.

Would this not appeal to DH and DSD? Or does DH want you doing ALL the donkey work?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2017 15:18

Well it is a good enough reason seeing as he's given you no explanation as for not learning to drive. Perhaps he just didn't want to.

HappyFeetAgain · 19/07/2017 15:19

Nah she's being a brat, if your d's who is younger can wall everywhere including school then so can she. Don't pick her up, let the lazy gurl walk.

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 15:19

Sorry - should say they had a set......

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 15:20

DS spends his weekends (in the day time) with his mates. God forbid he should be expected to spend time with his embarrassing mother at a weekend. He's 13 in two weeks and doesn't really want to go on family trips out anymore. He will come out for dinner as that contributes to the 10000 calories he eats every day.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/07/2017 15:22

Of course it's a good enough reason!

It's your time, you have a busy life, your own son, an entitlement to some bloody down/leisure time and your DH has NO right to dictate how you spend it when he's more than capable of walking to collect her himself, letting her grow up and walk on her on, ordering and paying for a taxi, getting her special food himself. FGS, she's not a small child.

You're worried he throws a strop because he's so used to taking the piss out of your time and energy. He probably will. But don't put up with any of it. Ask him if he's going to behave this way when she's 25 and if not what he thinks will have changed by then?

If he says nothing will change in the next ten years, well you'd rather know now and can put your foot down hard or get that lobotomy sorted....

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 15:22

So let's say I'm at home, no plans, and DH asks me if I can pick DSD up. Is not wanting to a good enough reason? I can definitely see that not going down too well.

Of course it's good enough. You are an independent person, not a slave! You say, "oh, no, I really don't want to get in the car again right now. Tell her she will have to walk." If he kicks off, just say "It really would be a good idea for you to start driving lessons, you should look into that - I am just going off for a bath/to do whatever" and leave him to stew.

supermoon100 · 19/07/2017 15:22

Surely her mum can get her oats at the weekend. Farming her kid out on a school night is a bit inconsiderate

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 15:23

I would love a more flexible arrangement but DSDs mum will never agree. DH just wants to see his DD so bends over backwards to enable this, however much it puts everyone else out.

OP posts:
GrapesAreMyJam · 19/07/2017 15:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

OnionKnight · 19/07/2017 15:23

She hardly ever wants to come earlier than 5pm. Then on a Sunday she gets up at 9.30. Its clear that she wants to go home as she brings all of her bags downstairs when she gets up. But then we have two hours of my DH asking her if she would like to go anywhere or do anything. We offer to take her for Sunday lunch/shopping etc. She just keeps shrugging her shoulders.

I'm sorry but that would piss me off, you have a DH and a DSD problem.

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 15:23

In theory you should just be able to say "no", but I know it's not easy.

I think I'd try and manipulate things so you have a legitimate excuse - have a glass of wine, arrange to see family, feign illness etc at a time when you know it's likely you'll be asked to help out.

Make yourself unavailable for a few times. See what happens.

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 15:24

He cycles to and from work.

Grin
To say that step daughter can walk to our house
cluelessnewmum · 19/07/2017 15:25

Urgh I hate men that can't drive.

Buy Dsd a bike, 0.9 miles would take about 7 minutes.

Give everyone - Dsd, her mum, your dh a few weeks notice you're not doing the lifts anymore - say it's too restrictive on your free time. Get her a bike and get her used to using it when the evening are still light, you say your dh cycles too so he can cycle back with her if it is dark later on and he's worried.

Get her a helmet, light reflective gear, lights so there's no excuse for not using it in winter. I was hugely reliant on my bike before I learnt to drive and actually only bought a car when I had kids do it's a cheap and healthy life habit to establish.

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 15:26

DH just wants to see his DD so bends over backwards to enable this,

No he does not - YOU DO!

OnionKnight · 19/07/2017 15:26

Urgh I hate men that can't drive.

I can't drive due to my disability, feel free to hate me Grin

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 15:26

happypoobum Grin Grin

OP posts:
rolopolovolo · 19/07/2017 15:26

no wonder obesity is such a crisis in this country. For her own health (and your DH's) they should both walk.

cluelessnewmum · 19/07/2017 15:27

DH just wants to see his DD so bends over backwards to enable this, however much it puts everyone else out.

He could just, y'know, learn to drive... Hmm

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 15:32

Honestly you could have some fun with this - he has taken the piss long enough.

If he reacts badly to the idea of learning to drive, because he lurves cycling etc etc, say "Do you know I think you're right, I am going to buy you a tandem bike for birthday/Christmas, so you can get DSD whenever it suits you" then walk away.

It's important that you walk off and have something very important to do after you drop these kinds of grenades.Smile Just try it and report back - we can guide you through being more assertive.

sweetbitter · 19/07/2017 15:32

I also feel a bit sorry for her if she's aware her mum doesn't want her around so she can see her boyfriend. I'm not saying the mum shouldn't have a boyfriend or that I don't understand why she'd like a couple of child free nights. But still, contact is supposed to be for the benefit of the child building/maintaining a relationship with the NRP, not to give the RP a break. I think as certain kids hit their teens a rigid contact schedule becomes quite unfair on them.

That said, your two houses are so close it's not like going to yours I is stopping her from seeing friends or anything. Why then do you think your DSD wants to be at her mum's house and not really at yours? Is it simply because that feels like her actual home, or is there certain stuff there she doesn't have at yours, does she see her friends more there...? Maybe looking at the root cause of the issue and working out how she could feel happier and more motivated to come over (NOT the same as begging her to come or doing anything she wants in order to get her there) could help?

user1498911470 · 19/07/2017 15:33

Tell her that you will be collecting her at X time on the Friday and dropping her back at home at X time on Sunday and if that doesn't met with her majesty's approval then she can walk. Your DH should be sorting this out.

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