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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that step daughter can walk to our house

300 replies

youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 12:04

I'm being brave posting here, but I just thought sod it.

I am married to DH. He cannot drive. I have a DS who is 12 (soon to be 13) and a DSD who is 14, almost 15. DS and DSD go to the same school.

DSD lives with her mum, which is almost a mile from our house (0.9 miles to be precise).

DSD stays with us two nights a week, Wednesday and Saturday. Because she is a teenager she doesn't really want to come on a Wednesday but her mum stays at her boyfriend's on a Wednesday night so DSD stays with us.

DSD will not communicate what time she is coming to our house, whether this is on a Saturday or a Wednesday. On a Saturday she just texts when she is ready to be collected. I have to do the collecting because she doesn't like walking and if I said I wasn't picking her up then it is likely that she would not come at all. On a Wednesday her mum drops her off with us and collects her at 7am so that she can get ready for school.

DSD has recently decided that she wants to go home earlier on a Sunday (usually in the morning) but will not give us a time. So, for example last week her dad was asking her what her plans were for that day. She just did not respond and kept shrugging her shoulders. I eventually said to her that we just needed to know so that we could plan what we were doing for the rest of the day. We weren't trying to get rid of her because she could have come with us to where we were going but we knew that she wanted to go home. She just wouldn't give us a time. This happens every weekend.

Yesterday morning DH text DSD to see if she was coming tonight. She did not respond until 7pm to ask if I could pick her up on my way home from work. I had plans to work late tonight as we are short staffed. I asked DH why she couldn't just walk to our house after school but apparently I can just pick her up on my way home, no matter what time this is.

My DS walks everywhere and I almost never drive him anywhere, unless it is chucking it down and it's dark outside. Last Friday morning (DSD stayed on Thursday night as well as Wednesday and her mum could not pick her up on Friday morning) DS left home at 7.40 to walk to school with his female friend who is in the same year as DSD. DSD stayed with me and I had to drop her at home before I went to work.

I get on very well with DSD and I have no problem with her staying whenever she wants, even if this were full time. She's great fun and I like her a lot. I just want her to be more independent and I want DH to stop enabling her not to walk anywhere.

AIBU to be getting fed up with being used as a taxi?

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 19/07/2017 13:52

Why is it wrong for her to not want to walk a mile and back to a house where her father is apathetic about her and her stepmother verges on hatred for her?
Shock Which thread have you been reading?!

Yorkshirelass453 · 19/07/2017 13:57

I think 'taking away control' is harsh. This DSD is being given freedom to walk and choosing to rely on OP. I get no sense OP 'verges on hatred'. She just wants to be considered. She is trying to teach her DSD independence and thought for others. Saying this results is eating disorders and SH is totally out of proportion.

peachgreen · 19/07/2017 13:58

@rinabean Are you OP's DSD? Or are you just reading a different thread to everyone else?! OP isn't "verging on hatred" - she just wants to be able to make plans at the weekend! She went out of her way to say how much she enjoys having DSD over.

When I lived with my parents I was expected to give them plenty of advance warning if I needed a lift anywhere. That's really all OP is asking for. Otherwise she has to spend her weekends sitting in waiting to be summonsed!

tatty1010 · 19/07/2017 13:58

rinabean
Where the hell did you come up with the fact she gets treated like shit? Confused

ALittleMop · 19/07/2017 14:00

None of you would walk a mile to a house where you'll get treated like shit and deliberately divested of all control, why should she?

what are you on about?

flowerydems · 19/07/2017 14:03

Can you pull a 'car won't start' white lie? Not like your dh will know if he's not driving anyway.

She's spoiled, they're all unreasonable. You're a saint for putting up with it for this long imho

Jenna43 · 19/07/2017 14:03

*Why is it wrong for her to not want to walk a mile and back to a house where her father is apathetic about her and her stepmother verges on hatred for her?

None of you would walk a mile to a house where you'll get treated like shit and deliberately divested of all control, why should she?*

This isn't a step-mother bashing thread.

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 14:05

I 100% agree with everything you're saying.

I do get on with DSD very well but I feel manipulated Ian's guilt tripped into picking her up and dropping her off. From DH's point of view he will do anything to see his DD and is off with me if I make even the vaguest suggestion that she should become a little more independent.

I think she's sick of the rigid contact schedule and who can blame her at nearly 15 years old. She told me her mum wants her out of the house on a Wednesday and Saturday night so she can go out. I think her mum has a right to a social life to be honest and DSD will have to appreciate that her mum needs some adult time without DSD being in the house.

I also think that she believes that we (me and her dad) just sit around waiting for her to turn up as in her opinion we never go out anywhere at the weekend anyway (which is not true)

OP posts:
Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 14:06

*into

OP posts:
stella23 · 19/07/2017 14:09

*Your H can go and get her, surely?

or your DS even?

she sounds a bit of a 'one'*

I can't believe you would suggest that a younger child walks to pick up an older child. Seriously is it because he's a boy?

happypoobum · 19/07/2017 14:14

You may want to report your own post OP as you have named your DH.

So what if he is "a bit off" with you? Do you walk on eggshells around him? Do you have a marriage where you are unable to assert yourself for fear of DH being "off" ? Sounds like a shit marriage tbh. Flowers

He is the one manipulating you with his threats of huffs. Sounds like they both need to grow up. Concentrate on yourself and DS for a bit. They should fall into new habits when they get over themselves. If they don't, you will know you really were just a taxi service to DH and DSD won't you?

MaidOfStars · 19/07/2017 14:15

he will do anything to see his DD
Except walk for less than a mile?

Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 14:17

Hate her?? No. I've known her for nine years. She's funny, clever, and great company. She's also a tiny bit self absorbed, sensitive and oblivious to the wants/needs of the adults in her life. She's also loved and cared for.

She never ever sees her friends at weekends even though she's got loads of mates. I think she feels forced into keeping to a contact schedule that's more appropriate for a nine year old. And because of that it's a case of "if you want to see me then come and get me". Which I can understand but when it's me acting as a taxi driver it gets on my tits.

I've decided no more lifts unless it's an emergency or it's pissing it down with thunder and lightening or it's dark and she needs a lift home.

As for why she gets ready at home before school, it's what she wants to do. She said she can't be bothered bringing all of her school stuff to our house when she lives 200 yards from the school entrance. Also she can drop her stuff that she brings to our house off at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
youmayfoldunderquestioning · 19/07/2017 14:19

Have I named DH? Where? Can I report that post?

OP posts:
MaidOfStars · 19/07/2017 14:20

You corrected your spelling of Ian > into. I guess Ian isn't your husband's name.

MaidOfStars · 19/07/2017 14:21

Although if it autocorrects to that, it may mean you use it a lot, which may mean it is!

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 14:21

Maybe initially you all need to start walking her back and forth just to get her used to it. If she's not naturally a walker, it must be quite a change. It is only a mile though and only 2000 steps - so only 1/5 of the distance she should be walking for basic health daily

Tean1 · 19/07/2017 14:22

My daughter is the same age, she would love to be driven everywhere but she doesn't get the opportunity! We are happy to give her and her friends lifts some of the time, if we are asked in advance and it fits in with everything else we are all doing.

My daughter walks home from school, just over 2 miles, once a week. The rest of the time she gets the tram, but we discussed walking at least once as part of a keeping healthy plan (she used to play more sports but has stopped since secondary school), and she understands that it is good to keep active and is committed to this.

Teenagers can be a bit thoughtless and aren't always great at thinking ahead or understanding the results of their actions on other people. It is up to us as parents to explain this to them, it is part of growing up. A while ago, my daughter asked my husband to take her friend home, as she needed to get back for her music lesson. My husband said no, sorry but our son was in the bath and I had just gone out to a meeting. Her friend had to miss her lesson I think, not ideal but it does help them to think in advance next time.

I can understand the OP's husband wanting them to do everything they can to ensure that his daughter continues to spend time with them. However I think some ground rules need to be laid down for everyone's sake, e.g. she can have a lift when the OP comes home from work (that time may not be clear in advance) or she walks over, she has to put their house key on her keyring and at weekends, they let her know what their plans are and if she comes when they are in, great, if not then they will see her later.

I would also suggest some positive actions - ask SD (and son) what they would like to do at the weekend and once a month organise everyone around that, if possible.

Put in place plans for if things go wrong - so if SD gets to their house and no-one is in and she's forgotten her key, what should she do? Maybe wait in the garden, go around to a friend who lives nearby, etc.

The Dad will need to be in agreement with this but there are 4 people in the family, all of you need to compromise and support each other.

Yorkshirelass453 · 19/07/2017 14:24

'She's funny, clever, and great company. She's also a tiny bit self absorbed, sensitive and oblivious to the wants/needs of the adults in her life'

So like every other teenager then! You sound more than understanding.

Rhubarbtart9 · 19/07/2017 14:25

So as Ive already said, tell her what your plans are for Wednesdays and weekends and let her know what the best times to arrive/leave are. Don't sit around waiting. Don't blame her for a situation you've created and can easily change.

Biker47 · 19/07/2017 14:25

Just checked because I was curious, 0.9 miles is the exact distance it took for me to walk to comprehensive school, every day, from year 7. If she doesn't want to come because she can't be bothered to walk, it's her fault.

C8H10N4O2 · 19/07/2017 14:25

This is batshit - at 14 with functioning abilities why on earth isn't she walking? Quite apart from the simple sexism of one child being given a taxi service and not the other.

I'd tell her to walk. As a compromise tell her a specific time which is convenient to collect and if she doesn't text you to be picked up at that time then she needs to remember her key as she will be walking.

themauvehen · 19/07/2017 14:26

I started walking dsd's home, really hoping to show dp that his daughters wouldn't die of exhaustion!

Dp regularly walks miles at a time but is scared to ask his kids to do so.

These Dad's just don't want to rock the boat.

But it's so damaging.

I'm now left with very un independent adult skids who can't make their own way in life without constant hand holding and bail outs.

I'm also left with no respect at all for my dp.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 19/07/2017 14:29

I also think that she believes that we (me and her dad) just sit around waiting for her to turn up as in her opinion we never go out anywhere at the weekend anyway (which is not true)

Part of her belief at least is true - you may go out at weekends, but you can't easily make plans for where and when because her attitude and behaviour, strongly enabled by her dad, mean that you do spend a lot of time sitting around waiting for her to turn up (or for her to decide she's leaving).

Which is why you need to disabuse her of that notion asap!

It is possible that her behaviour IS a way of getting some control back in her life if it's that case that her mother is effectively telling her she has to get out on certain days because she wants to be with someone else. I can understand that she's resentful of that, and so resents you wanting to know times - her choosing when she wants picking up and dropping off is is her way of rebelling. But that still doesn't make it fair on you and DS.

Do you make plans that will also interest her, or do you decide what to do and her choice is take it or leave it? Have you invited her to choose the outing for the day? (Sorry for suggesting it if you have, I'm trying to think of things that might help.)

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/07/2017 14:31

Exactly, what thread? Hatred? Nothing like projection eh rinabeen

I totally agree with pps. Sdd is told she can be picked up at x time or y or she can walk.

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