AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

[Worried567]

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

Hmm. Oh yes he has Happy. Seen this before.

He complimented her looks then asked her out. That's my take. The DV is a McGuffin - they always spin it that why so it looks as if they are 'whiteknighting'. But in reality; it's sex. It's always sex. The woman he arranged to meet will, I guarantee, have thought that too. I wonder if she is vulnerable or in an unhappy relationship?

I've had that line thrown at me before now - oh I cheated because she really needed my help. (DV) And it wasn't sex. Oh OK she may have sucked my dick. But then she was triggered etc etc DV etc etc.

And the other thing they always do is minimise the nature of how sexual the relationship was. Sometimes they spin it because they don't want to hurt the other. More often than not it is to make sure it doesn't get to an even more explosive level.

Oh and another trick with FB messenger is that they will delete the threads. Or tailor them to look more innocent than they are.

It is also very possible that the other woman has been lied too. Lack of sex is such a massive red flag. Especially so early on too.

My advice? LTB. Once the dust has settled he will do it again.

He said where he was going, who with and why he met up with her. He didn't lie when OP first asked him to meet her (in an effort to catch him out). He had coffee with a friend. Whoopdeedoo.

He doesn't appear to have gone out of his way to deceive OP.

It must be exhausting being that suspicious.

I don't doubt that there are men who do this kind of thing with the intention of cheating but I think it's a bit unfair and premature to advise the OP to LTB at this stage.

Surely you'd want actual proof of cheating before you ended your relationship? Something a bit more concrete than meeting someone for coffee?

Worried567 Thu 20-Jul-17 08:26:04
Thanks everyone. I'm trying to be normal, harder than I thought though! I'm going to wait and see, and check messages in a week or two. Although I hate myself for doing it, it's the only way I can know for sure without having any doubts/giving him chance to lie or cover up about it. If he does try to arrange another meeting though, I'll definitely be approaching him about it.

Any messages will be deleted upon reading.

I hope you are ok OP. I agree you should bide your time and keep your eyes wide open to see what happens. You sound lovely and i'm sorry you are going through this.

If he's really cautious and protective over his phone now then that might tell you something.

He hasn't lied at any stage though! He told you where he was going and who he was going to be with ! I'd be surprised if he was trying to cheat on you, he sounds like a nice friend to have and wish there was more men around like him who actually might care about us as humans not just sex on legs !

Yeah, all these nice caring married men who want to help gorgeous newly single women . It's gives me a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about it.

I don't think she should leave, but I do think it needs talking about properly and not waiting for messages which won't stay there long enough.

He HAS been deceitful - he messaged a woman out of the blue after 6 months to say she looked gorgeous, then asked her for coffee. He didn't mention this until OP had seen message and asked him if he was free. He then said someone else was going along too, but told OP after the event that he didn't bother to ask other woman. He then puts the 'how wonderful I am' bit in because she has apparently suffered DA ... it all whiffs of something not right at the moment and any normal woman would be suspicious. I know my DH would be suspicious if I messaged a man specifically to tell him how gorgeous he looked and invited him for coffee and didn't mention it until discovered and then waffled a lot of crap to make it sound more reasonable

wish there was more men around like him who actually might care about us as humans not just sex on legs !

Oh God.

Yeah, all these nice caring married men who want to help gorgeous newly single women . It's gives me a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about it

He didn't mention this until OP had seen message and asked him if he was free.

This. How many times has he done it and got away with it? Not saying he certainly has but that would be forefront of my mind. Coupled with white-knighting as well. Throw in no sex for months good measure? The invention and retraction of the imaginary friend shows a degree of sophistication in covering tracks.

Unless other women come forward, I highly doubt there will be any messages that could be found his end. Which leaves you with a lot of doubt and suspicions but frustratingly little to go on. I know this is not helpful now and I honestly dont want to say what if's.

But if there are other women in the same situation, the best course of action would have been to keep mum about the original message and gone to see. You would have been able to tell from body language what was going on almost immediately.

I've seen this happen, IRL several times now. Close to me and recently too (also involving FB messenger) so have seen the nitty gritty. Maybe that has coloured me but I will freely admit I dont have too high a view of men atm.

In many ways FM messenger is ideal. Who can tell if you are going through the main feed or PM'ing someone?

Oh? Is she newly single? That puts a whole new spin on it. He is banking on her being vulnerable and mixed up.

It's not looking good OP :-( Indeed, this situation is very close to the one I was talking about^

2furbabies he did lie. He said he had invited Marie and Lisa, but he never invited Lisa. It was always about meeting up with Marie alone.

Happy I don't doubt that there are men who do this kind of thing with the intention of cheating but I think it's a bit unfair and premature to advise the OP to LTB at this stage.

Surely you'd want actual proof of cheating before you ended your relationship? Something a bit more concrete than meeting someone for coffee?

There won't be any proof. That's the point. But all you do have is a set of behaviours which are looking highly suspicious.

In the situation I am talking about, same thing. Virtually identical. FB messenger, younger, attractive and sexual woman. Newly single. Messages turned into sex, then 'love' then finally 'I am leaving her'. All done of course to keep the sex ongoing.

Of course it was a pack of lies and when it came out from the mistress and being utterly devastated that she had been totally taken advantage of, other women came forward to say he had been messaging them too.

Wife refuses to leave him even though man had admitted to mistress to an older affair. With proof. Oh and no sex between wife and him.

Danger danger!

Another man. Married. Took a mistress and not content with her, he started messaging others to meet for sex. Again, wife stayed with him. No sex.

See a pattern?

I don't believe in partners having 'private' phones etc for this very reason. If this is innocent, it should all be out in the open. I'd have a problem with my dp pm'ing another woman, telling her she's gorgeous and arranging a private meeting. But, if you're included in it, it's very different.

I would have it out with him. Go in gently. Tell him it's bothering you and you'd like to be included. If he actively tries to exclude you then you know you've got a problem.

Yeah, all these nice caring married men who want to help gorgeous newly single women . It's gives me a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about it

Thank you Kr1stina for making me LOL at my desk today!

MumBod No matter what you say to justify or explain yourself, all of those things have made me feel really threatened and upset. What are you prepared to do to help me feel better? Because as things are, this isn't acceptable to me.

Heh. I totally agree with you in that this is how a sane and rational and normal person would try to fix a problem in their relationship. But what if he isn't trying to fix it? What if he is try to quell suspicions? He will say anything and everything to smooth things over. Certainly making promises that he won't keep.

We've passed the point of the coffee shop meet so moving on. The best course of action would now be to not raise any more suspicions. This is totally crap on the OP but look at it this way.

1 - Action -She confronts because she needs to understand why (rightly) but that might only give a temp set of respite Outcome - he takes longer to chance it again.

2 - Action - Keep quiet and wait. Outcome - possibly catch him sooner but he will now be on guard. And OP has to sit on all of these thoughts. Horrible.

Cos it isn't just the sex IMHO. It is about the thrill/risk and it is also about asserting dominance in another area of his life. One where he feels he might have control. This is usually an illusion.

Really does depend on what's acceptable in each person's relationship and how they are generally.

DH and I are a bit vanilla about things like this. We don't message people of the opposite sex and tell them they're gorgeous, we don't go out for one-on-one lunch and dinner dates with people of the opposite sex and if it was for coffee we would be checking with the other one to confirm they were OK to look after DS/ that we didn't have any existing plans etc.

Absolutely fine if other people do things differently in their relationships and that's the key. If it's not in keeping with your jointly agreed boundaries then it's something to raise. And I would have to raise it in full, now he know's you've read his Facebook messages he'll start deleting them and I couldn't live with the constant low-level worry that you'll never know who he's sending messages to like that again.

If you were my friend in RL, i would say to you to let him know what you have seen and as some previous posters have suggested, explain that it doesn't look great and if the shoe was on the other foot it wouldn't be best pleased. Why? Why?! Why? let this hang over you for the next couple of weeks, checking on messages etc..... the thing is, if he wants to cheat, whether you have spoke with him or not, he will.

You speaking with him might just open up an oppertunity to have a discussion about YOUR realtionship and if you'reboth happy were it stands at present/

Good luck

the thing is, if he wants to cheat, whether you have spoke with him or not, he will.

I totally agree. But he will sit on it for weeks if not months. Time wasted.

Better a little short term pain, less time wasted. And plaster ripped off in a few weeks?

I know which I would do but I am not emotionally invested. That will be another factor he is banking on.

Renarde I entirely agree with you, which is why OP has to be the same, rational one, draw her line and stick to it.

If he was my DH, he would have to come up with some pretty full-on efforts to show me I could trust him. If he couldn't or wouldn't do that, it'd be time for the door.

I have a low tolerance of shenanigans, I'm afraid.

MumBod So so hard I agree to keep quiet and watch. Here I am saying it and I'm not sure I could do it.

I think isn't it because we want it to work? And some people sadly take advantage of that vulnerability.

Kudos to anyone who could just kick out. Although I often think that is much the better way to go. OP

@lookatmenow Couldn't agree more.

I wouldn't advise any friend of mine to bunker down and suffer prolonged anguish, whilst trying to mask her feelings from the person closest to her.

Please, OP, Don't let this fester.

Knowing is better than wondering.

I'd admit to what you saw, admit to how it's made you feel. Address the immediate reaction you had, and talk through the possible reasons why you'd jump to those conclusions and even consider reacting with your own line of deception. Address how the whole scenario has highlighted an unhealthy element of your relationship...and work on fixing that.

Take this other woman out of the picture entirely, and focus on getting you and your DH right.

Something similar happened to me at the start of this year, and although it took some horrible conversations, and didn't resolve immediately, I'm so pleased I didn't keep my fears and upset inside.

Most importantly, don't let it tear you up. Even if something untoward is going on, your own mental health comes first.
Although it's easier said than done, just remember that it's better to be in the know, and to have the opportunity to react and shape your own future, rather than to live in the dark.

Sending hugs and support x

OP - this is such a horrible situation and, without going into details, I completely know what you're going through. If you love your husband, which I'm sure you do, my advice would be to plan some time alone together soon and talk to him about it. No need to be accusatory, just explain how you feel (don't have to mention snooping on his iPad, I think the meet up for coffee is enough to justify a certain level of insecurity). Assuming it's innocent, he is probably completely unaware of how upsetting this is for you and with some honest communication on both sides, you could clear the whole thing up and move on stronger together and with a new understanding of each other.

Of course there is the possibility it's not innocent, however he hasn't actually cheated on you and unless you have other serious issues, you're hardly going to throw away a marriage on something like this. Again, communicating with each other, being honest, talking about why he wanted to meet this other lady, why he is feeling how he does (potentially interested in someone else), how this makes you feel etc is the best initial course of action, I would say.

However, having said all that, I know that this is the hardest option (because I didn't do it - I hate confrontation and avoided it at all costs!). Being a bit older and wiser now, I would strongly suggest not waiting, not snooping looking for more evidence, feeling upset the whole time, letting your imagination run wild with all sorts of scenarios. Take control, don't be scared of the outcome. Work together to deal with it and move on. Sending confidence-boosting hugs and support. Xx

Just seen Planting's post - absolutely agree.