Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
gingergenius · 20/07/2017 09:42

Blimey that escalated quickly!!!! Perhaps divorce proceedings are a. It premature???? Confused

KimmySchmidt1 · 20/07/2017 09:44

Don't play games, you're not a private detective, these suggestions of going to the cafe are immature. Ask him outright now what he thinks he is doing complimenting a woman in a private message and then inviting her for coffee, before he makes a mistake he can't recover from.

GabsAlot · 20/07/2017 09:52

he wont be stupid enough to leave his phone open again for you to read because he knows youv seen it

try and ask that woman round or ak how she is see how she reacts

Serialweightwatcher · 20/07/2017 10:00

Knew Lisa wasn't in the mix unfortunately ... I doubt he would have told you anything had you not asked. If anything were to occur now, I would assume he won't have any messages showing anywhere. May be best to sit down properly with him and talk about it and tell him exactly how uncomfortable you are and ask how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot - sorry OP

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/07/2017 10:01

Should I be worried?

yes Sad

MumBod · 20/07/2017 10:17

He's planning an affair.
Where is your anger?

FreakinScaryCaaw · 20/07/2017 10:22

So much wrong here.

Tbh he sounds like a cocktail lodger who's seen you coming.

No sex already? He should have been taking you to bed if you were both free instead of meeting a gorgeous woman for coffee.

Do you all work shifts? Amazing how you're all free Wednesday afternoon. Not saying you're lying just it's unusual.

He's very shifty. He'll no doubt be very helpful at home to make sure you're at least grateful for something even if it's not sex.

You sound like a catch. He doesn't.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 20/07/2017 10:22

Cock lodger *

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 20/07/2017 10:39

Op I would agree with a few of the other posters on here and open it out rather than hide, as mentioned then he has to deal with his behaviour internally after it's been reflected back to him from your perspective.

I think you missed an opportunity to invite yourself to the cafe. I would've said, ah well seeing as we are rarely free together why don't I join you both, I'd love to meet an old friend of yours. His reaction would've spoken volumes.

But hindsight is indeed a wonderful thing!

Now I would take either of two paths:

A. Just confront...look i was on your iPad, a message popped up. I'm confused as to why you are being so evasive, from my side it looks suspicious and i don't believe Lisa was ever going to be there. I'm not happy with this behaviour, as I'm sure you wouldn't be, if I was contacting old friends and calling them gorgeous and asking for secret coffee meetings.

Take the flack for breaching the privacy, but state the reasons why you are feeling uncomfortable and unhappy.

Or,

B. You know who she is, right? So call his bluff. Say "Perhaps under the circumstances of DV, it's risky you meeting in a cafe as man and woman? Is the ex still posing a danger?"

"Maybe she'd rather come over and have a coffee here? I'd love to meet her, any friend of yours etc etc, plus she might think it a bit strange, to not meet your wife, I imagine after dealing with something as horrific as DV her anxiety may be higher just around men...?"

Initiate it as friendly conversation to get a gauge of how much of an open friendship this is, or whether he starts blustering and flapping.

I just feel angry for you op, you are tying yourself into a knot of anxiety and grief while he's out making flirty coffee mornings. Ugh. 😑

annielouise · 20/07/2017 10:44

Totally not innocent in my view. He mentioned Lisa as he was caught on the hop. She obviously was never going to be there. You don't say you're going to coffee with someone before you've asked them! He then had to say he never asked her as that would be fishy if you happened to bump into Lisa and asked her. He tells you just enough and does just enough to keep the story as true as possible. This is the act of a good liar - keep to the truth as much as possible.

He's up for an affair with this woman and unless she's really dumb and didn't see the invite for what it was or could lead to she is too.

ambereeree · 20/07/2017 10:47

Wow this is escalating quickly. Maybe he sent lisa a msg from his phone inviting her along too? He didn't lie about meeting up.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 20/07/2017 10:54

He said he'd changed his mind about inviting Lisa Hmm

2rebecca · 20/07/2017 11:01

I would have told him that I was worried about him meeting up with a woman he finds attractive alone and concerned it might turn in to an actual affair or emotional affair if she starts confiding in him. I wouldn't be watching out for more messages I'd be telling him I didn't want him messaging her again and meeting up with her again. If they've not seen each other for a long time she should have friends she can confide in.

Tofutti · 20/07/2017 11:18

Yeah, why did he tell OP he was meeting with Lisa and Marie, if he hadn't actually invited Lisa at all? Confused

Warning bells are ringing.

Rache11 · 20/07/2017 11:23

Would any of you meet up with a man you hadn't seen for years & confide in him about your dv relationship??

Kr1stina · 20/07/2017 11:39

Yeah, if I'd just escaped a violent marriage and a man I hadn't seen for ages suddenly messaged me to say how gorgeous I was and invite me for coffee , I'd totally think he was going to offer me counselling. Or perhaps even a wardrobe make over as he's the next Gok Wan.

MumBod · 20/07/2017 11:58

She's vulnerable.
He's behaving inappropriately.

Why are you not confronting him, OP? Are you in any way afraid to? Because if so, that's not healthy for any reason.

You are allowed to draw your own line in the sand over what you find acceptable behaviour, and you are allowed to communicate that line to him.

If nothing else, his behaviour is causing you worry and stress - that is not the action of a loving partner. A coffee with a woman he finds gorgeous is worth upsetting his wife over? Nice.

I don't know if this is helpful, but I would say the following,

'Can we talk about what happened this week? I've felt very upset and stressed for a few reasons. First, I don't like you privately messaging women telling them you think they're gorgeous. I find it really upsetting. Secondly, I don't like you arranging to meet women on the quiet. Thirdly, I'm afraid I don't believe there was ever going to be a third party at your coffee date. Maybe because you'd not been open about meeting her in the first place.

No matter what you say to justify or explain yourself, all of those things have made me feel really threatened and upset. What are you prepared to do to help me feel better? Because as things are, this isn't acceptable to me."

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 20/07/2017 12:24

Would any of you meet up with a man you hadn't seen for years & confide in him about your dv relationship??

If the DV story is even true. I'm not saying she's lying about it, but he might be. He heard it from 'a friend' and then contacted her - it could all be Jackanory.

Similarly, to those (few) posters saying that OP should get over it because he's told her the truth - has he? He's told her something - but that doesn't mean it's true.

Even the fact that he mentioned it almost as soon as he got home from work. It might be a good sign that it's innocent, OR it might be him getting his story in first.

Only he (and *Sarah) know what really happened. But there are enough things that could be taken either way to make OP's doubts understandable.

I hope it's innocent, but in the circumstances I'd have my antennae in overdrive too.

Flyinggeese · 20/07/2017 12:42

OP I've just read through this thread. The thing that stand out to me is when you said of his ex 'apparently a victim of domestic violence, I have no idea if this is true.'

This sound like you don't really trust what he says. So that's not good.

Also not much intimacy (only 18 months married!) and he's the Gok Wan of fashion advice. Erm...

2rebecca · 20/07/2017 12:43

Agree. he only mentioned the coffee meet up when the OP tried to arrange something else, and he invented the planned invite to a friend.

Kr1stina · 20/07/2017 12:49

I wonder is this is his style, to approach women when they are vulnerable ( I notice that his ex was also fleeing a violent marriage ) . Perhaps he feels inadequate in some way and this makes him feel more powerful and a rescuer.

It makes me wonder if the OP was especially vulnerable when they first got together e.g. Just left a LTR or had a bereavement, illness or redundancy.

Just a thought.

Gemini69 · 20/07/2017 12:52

he's seen an opportunity... he's grabbed it ...

Serialweightwatcher · 20/07/2017 12:54

Also just occurred to me - if he had indeed been chatting with mutual friend and heard of terrible time she is supposed to be having, wouldn't his message to her have read "not seen you in ages, heard you're having a hard time - if you fancy a chat contact me", not "you look gorgeous - fancy a coffee?"

HappyLabrador · 20/07/2017 12:56

Bloody hell, the hysterical replies on this thread are insane!

The man has done nothing wrong ffs.

annielouise · 20/07/2017 12:59

Haha, HappyLabrador - of course he has! Flirted, lied, jeopardised his wife's peace of mind. He's clearly not being honest.