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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
Primadonnagirl · 19/07/2017 20:48

This is a minor point I know and OP I feel for you hugely because believe me I've been there.. but I don't understand why some posters are questioning why he wouldn't invite you or why you didn't invite yourself . My DH socialises with people all the time.. people who I know.. and I wouldn't expect an automatic invite. Nor would I ask.And vice versa. I think it's very unhealthy when people get uneasy about a partner spending time without them etc. even when it's with someone of the opposite sex. HOWEVER.. I mean in normal circumstances..definitely in these circs I'd be feeling like you.The only reason I'm making this point is in case others are reading this and thinking whether they should be worried about their partners friendships

Justaboy · 19/07/2017 20:50

Worried567 well i don't think its got that far yet but i do think you two should have a serious discussion about his behaviour and attitudes.

crazykitten20 · 19/07/2017 20:53

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

I think you sound adorable and he sounds like someone looking for a LO. Much love 💕💕

crazykitten20 · 19/07/2017 20:55

@Worried567

It may not be as bad as many of us are saying but knowledge is power and it's always best to face crappy stuff xxx

ShmooBooMoo · 19/07/2017 21:07

OnionKnight Apologies, I misunderstood what you meant.
That's shit, isn't it? It should make a difference... :(

PlymouthMaid1 · 19/07/2017 21:10

I think I would suggest that he invites her round for dinner or something as she is his friend, newly single etc. Then see how they are with each other. Surely if its innocent he would be keen to extend that invitation.

tearsinmyeyes · 19/07/2017 21:18

Been there. I could have written your post.
Turns out they were having an emotional affair- nothing physical but talking all hours , sharing intimate jokes and secrets . He admitted he enjoyed the flattery and attention. She was plain up for being his bit
On the side . I had a nervous breakdown over it . In hindsight I should have Ltb and left them to it.

lookatyourwatchnow · 19/07/2017 21:31

Messaging a woman privately telling her she looks gorgeous after finding out she has recently become single then meeting her for coffee? Fuck that! DP would be gone for that.

MrsPorth · 19/07/2017 21:57

So sorry you're going through this OP. It sucks. I hope we're wrong but I doubt it.

Original poster
Worried567 · 19/07/2017 22:12

Thanks everyone, you have all been great Flowers

OP posts:
WashingMatilda · 19/07/2017 22:19

I've just read the whole thread worried and didn't want to read and run.
Ultimately the only person who can make any decisions is you. You need to get more info though and however you do that, be it confronting him or watching from the sidelines at the messages, you need to get the full picture.

If it were me I would have had to have it out with him before this, but that's not necessarily the right approach as he could much easily wriggle out the earlier on in the deceit. (And let's be clear, this is definitely a deceit)

Sending love Flowers

Cuckingfunt1981 · 19/07/2017 22:36

Hugs op. Hope you manage some sleep xxx

HappenedForAReisling · 19/07/2017 22:38

If he knows you've seen that message he's going to be deleting any subsequent messages pretty quickly, I reckon.

OP, do you know she's a victim of dv or is that just what he told you? Maybe that's just his "innocent" excuse for seeing her.

I think he's admitted where he's been and who with only because he knows you saw his message (and Lisa was a smokescreen). I doubt he'd have told you otherwise.

I'd do what Plymouth suggested and invite her round for dinner. You could be concerned and caring, "Poor Sarah, invite her round for dinner this weekend, she'd probably appreciate the distraction and I'd love to meet her" with a smile. I bet he doesn't ask her.

Sorry OP, if I were in your shoes I'd be very suspicious.

Luncharmstrong · 19/07/2017 22:40

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. Nice husband meets up with attractive lady.
So what ?

runningyogabooze · 19/07/2017 22:59

Have you got your DH on Find My Friends? If not do that tomorrow morning when he's asleep. Then you can track him.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 19/07/2017 23:22

I'm sorry,. OP. I've been there - that sick to the stomach feeling is just the worst in the world and can make you feel like you're going crazy. I hope it's all innocent, I really do, but your instincts count for a lot. I hate to say this but to find out the real truth you might have to resort to sneaky tactics. It's horrible Sad

HappenedForAReisling · 19/07/2017 23:31

Lunch nice husband didn't tell wife he was meeting - in his words - "gorgeous" lady. Nice husband only mentioned it when he had to. Nice husband also lied to say he wouldn't be alone with attractive lady when he was.

Rioja123 · 20/07/2017 07:16

He will have his guard up now OP because he knows you saw the message. Try and act like everything is fine and wait for him to slip up.

SafeToCross · 20/07/2017 07:54

Actually I think in your situation - and your best guess is this is not yet a full blown emotional or physical affair - I would want to state my position and say 'I am not comfortable that you met up with S, it has my radar up for some reason. I don't want to get into suspicion or game playing, but I do want you to respect our relationship.' Then he will have to confront internally what it is he is doing and risking.
And don't think she won't go for him because of his looks, she may do so just because she can and he represents comfort and safety. Wishing you well and that you can move on from this with him, if you want to.

Roomster101 · 20/07/2017 08:23

The fact that he is telling you what he did suggests that nothing is happening at the moment. However, messaging a woman he has not been in contact with for some time to say she looks gorgeous and then inviting her for coffee only after finding out she is single strongly suggests he doesn't have good intentions. Telling you that someone else was going when he hadn't even invited her makes it even more suspicious.

Original poster
Worried567 · 20/07/2017 08:26

Thanks everyone. I'm trying to be normal, harder than I thought though! I'm going to wait and see, and check messages in a week or two. Although I hate myself for doing it, it's the only way I can know for sure without having any doubts/giving him chance to lie or cover up about it. If he does try to arrange another meeting though, I'll definitely be approaching him about it.

OP posts:
ConstanceCraving · 20/07/2017 08:26

I doubt very much he would have told the OP had he not found out she'd read the message on his iPad.

MiddleClassProblem · 20/07/2017 09:00

Do you know what they're old friendship was like? Were they good friends?

Anyway giving him the benefit of the doubt it could be that hearing about someone going through DV might be close to his heart after his ex and something that he reacts to. He may have said the Lisa thing as a clumsy way to ease your worries but not covering up anything suspect.

I think you're doing the right thing about keeping your cards close to your chest especially as it could be nothing.

You could enquire more about their friendship. Just saying she's been on your mind with the awful thought of DV. Asking if she told him much and if they were close before without out it being too much or suspicious. It could be that this woman has been through the shitter and prior to her relationship with this man, she and your husband were great mates and only now he knows why she fizzled him out.

It's ok to be suspicious and to keep an eye on it but still think through all the possibilities. I really hope it's nothing and he's just being a good egg but going about it clumsy way Flowers

Berthatydfil · 20/07/2017 09:06

You have only been married 3 years so this counts as a short marriage if you were to split up.
I think in those cases the courts look to put you back to your pre marriage position re finances and property.

Tofutti · 20/07/2017 09:39

If Bertha is right about short marriages, and he is cheating/looking to cheat, I wouldn't put off the divorce too long and get evidence of infidelity.