Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DH making plans with a random woman

404 replies

Worried567 · 19/07/2017 08:05

Hello, I am a regular long term poster and have NC for this. I'm worried about a situation with my DH and I'm hoping IABU and over reacting, and that you will all tell me to get a grip...

I've been with my DH for 3 years, married for 18 months. He is lovely and I have never had grounds to suspect him of anything before. 2 days ago however I was using his Ipad (I often do this as mine is knackered and runs slowly) and a message on FB flashed up from a name I didn't recognise, but only for a few seconds. I couldn't help myself and went into his messages - I know this is terrible, please go easy on me as I wish I hadn't.

Basically he had messaged one of his "friends" on FB out of the blue telling her she looked gorgeous in a recent profile pic change, which started a conversation between them, with him initiating them meeting up for coffee, which is due to happen this afternoon. The thing is, he has over 800 FB friends, and I've never heard him mention her before. It looks like they used to live in the same town, but there were no previous messages between them other than a happy Birthday about 6 months ago.

Should I be worried? I always thought he wasn't the type, but why contact someone from the past to compliment their looks? Our marriage is good, we haven't been intimate for a while, mainly due to our work patterns and tiredness on both our parts. Please can anyone help

OP posts:
MumBod · 20/07/2017 14:41

I agree with you lentil, apart from the bit about keeping quiet about the snooping.

No games. Ever.

JonnyFunkweasel · 20/07/2017 15:06

I haven't read the entire thread, just the first and last few pages.
He's been deceitful and dishonest, it would appear, but there's no actual evidence of him doing or wanting to do anything with this other woman. Just speculation from a bunch of strangers who know nothing about any of the people involved.

It is entirely possible for a man, even a taken man to give a lovely compliment to another woman without meaning anything by it.
The question of whether or not they should be doing so is another issue.

As someone who fits the above (ashamedly?) I don't know why he wouldn't have mentioned it all to you in the first place. I probably wouldn't. Not because I was trying to hide anything, but because in my mind it's an argument I can do without. Experience has taught me this is the wrong way to go about it.

I can't imagine how you must feel - I'd probably struggle to empathise with you 100%, but go with what LentilBolognaise said. That makes sense.

You're married to this man, you're meant to be a team. Work as one, but don't go in all guns blazing - a man who knows he's done the wrong thing (but not necessarily a BAD thing) is only going into defensive mode, possibly aggressive (verbally) at being accused of things he's not done. That's never going to go well.

Try to stay calm, and don't chase him around the house if he goes all evasive. At least, not immediately.

Roomster101 · 20/07/2017 15:40

I agree with those who say that you shouldn't start snooping around but should talk to him about this. I can't see that snooping will help you feel better as you will never know if he is just deleting messages etc. It will just make you feel more and more paranoid. The only way you can really tell if something is wrong is if you talk to him. You may feel reassured afterwards but even if you don't, at least you will probably have a better idea of where you stand.

abilockhart · 20/07/2017 16:02

I have no advice on how to confirm his guilt or innocence, etc.

However, I think you should see a solicitor as a matter of urgency. It is always best to be prepared for the worse and work out what is the best way to protect your assets.

SteppingOnToes · 20/07/2017 16:10

I'd not show my cards too quickly, instead get proof and get my -financial- ducks in order. As soon as he knows you know you could find joint monies and paperwork 'disappear'.

swingofthings · 20/07/2017 16:16

I'm really amazed how quick people are jumping at things.

Would I comment on an old male friend saying that he was fit and then asking to meet up as we used to? Absolutely? Would it be because I had plans to have any relationship but a friendship one with him? Not at all. I love my husband and think he is the sexiest man on earth.

But that's the thing, it's because I feel the way I do and express it that I know he wouldn't be one bit fuss about it, and no I wouldn't forcibly come to tell him, because we don't make a habit of telling each other every detail of our days. I am meeting with a female friend later today, he is out and won't be home until later. Will I tell him that I met with her? I won't mention it, but if he asks me if I did anything, I will of course tell him.

I would feel exactly the same the other way around. I would be much more alerted if I felt that his behaviour and attitude towards me was changing, maybe in a subtle way, but enough to question things.

2rebecca · 20/07/2017 16:28

If my husband suddenly contacted a female friend he hadn't seen for years out of the blue and arranged coffee with her after commenting on how attractive she looked I would be suspicious though, especially he didn't tell me of his plan to meet her.
My husband doesn't regularly meet women on their own for cosy twosome coffees though, if you had a husband who did it might be less (or more!) concerning.

peachgreen · 20/07/2017 17:28

@swingofthings But that's your relationship. If my DH paid an old friend an appearance-related compliment it would be out of character. If he met up with a female friend alone for coffee it would be out of character. If he didn't tell me he was meeting up with a friend it would be out of character. Add those three together and it would give me very grave cause for concern. Same the other way around. It doesn't sound like this is a common occurrence in OP's marriage either, otherwise she wouldn't be worried.

MaisyPops · 20/07/2017 17:33

Would I comment on an old male friend saying that he was fit and then asking to meet up as we used to? Absolutely? Would it be because I had plans to have any relationship but a friendship one with him? Not at all. I love my husband and think he is the sexiest man on earth
That sounds like me. I've caught up with old friends online and told them they're looking good (much like I woukd a female friend).
The fact that he has said beautiful makes me a little suspicious if I'm honest. Even if there's nothing in it, I think it's the kind of compliment that pushes the door open a little too much for my liking. E.g my male friends will say I look nice, pretty or even make daft comments about getting my legs out on nights out. None of that is weird. If one of them called me beautiful I'd be reflecting on our friendship dynamic a little.

GabsAlot · 20/07/2017 19:10

i woldnt tell a male friend i hadnt seen for ages he looked fit in a pm

id say hes looking well openly not like a sordid secret

an why say he invited lisa when he never had

Renarde75 · 20/07/2017 19:30

Getting ever so slightly annoyed at the OP. Lots of advice being given
....

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 20/07/2017 19:32

He tells you just enough and does just enough to keep the story as true as possible. This is the act of a good liar - keep to the truth as much as possible

This with bells on!

He's so slick with his act that i bet it's definitely not the first time he's done this behind your back.

He wasn't going to say anything about it - until YOU asked him his plans for that day!

Stop being a mug, op.
Don't buy into the sunken costs fallacy.

He will be more careful at covering his tracks now or on good behaviour until he's got you convinced 'it's all in your head' or 'you're insecure'.

i suggest you start taking practical/legal steps now to safeguard your pre-marital assets.

ViviPru · 20/07/2017 20:02

"Don't buy into the sunken costs fallacy."

Have you been watching better Call Saul lately too? I'm loving it.

I've never been cheated on and have no baggage to project on your situation; I'm irritated by the insinuation that anyone who interprets his actions as questionable has a personal agenda. To my mind this is all pretty obvious. It's not looking good.

One thing to take away though is you have found out now, before anything serious has happened, and before you have been strung along for too long. You're thinking practically about what any split may entail so you're actually the one in control here, which gives you a strong position. I hope you get through this without too much distress.

kittybiscuits · 20/07/2017 20:07

He either knows you've seen the message or he's read your thread (possibly even posted those ridiculous userblahblahblah posts). You deserve better.

Original poster
Worried567 · 20/07/2017 20:16

Thanks again for all the replies. It's been eating me up all day thinking about them meeting and the fear it will happen again and the prospect of more secret messaging.

I'm going to have it out with him. I want to wait until we are alone as I don't want DC overhearing, so it'll have to be at the weekend.

I checked and the original messages are still on his iPad. I took a photo with my phone as a record, and trying not to read them over and over Sad

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 20/07/2017 20:21

Worried567 I think you have to do what is right for you Sweetheart... if broaching the subject now is best then do it... don't let this torture you any longer than you can handle....

good luck and I hope your get the answers you need xx

Greenkit · 20/07/2017 20:38

.

Bluntness100 · 20/07/2017 20:53

This is a horrible thread. This is a real persons marriage, this man based on what's posted has done nothing wrong.

Urging her to believe he's a cheat, to consider divorce, to see a solicitor is not sport. It's not an evenings entertainment.

Op no wonder it's eating you up. Ask for the thread to be deleted.

GabsAlot · 20/07/2017 21:02

blunt to be fair hes already lied about inviting someone els so yes he ha done somthing wrong

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 20/07/2017 21:05

I've had a thought about my previous advice to be sneaky and think it was wrong. Other posters are right. Have it out with him. Really, how DARE he make you feel like this? Angry

Hunted68 · 20/07/2017 21:06

I'm a bloke and to be honest it sounds fishy to me.

seven201 · 20/07/2017 21:08

From what I've read I think/hope he's just a really sociable and caring man who is a bit too friendly/complimentary sometimes. I hope so. I'm not trying to minimise this and I think your plan to talk to him at the weekend is a good one.

PenguinOfDoom · 20/07/2017 21:10

Blunt, I agree.

Sallystyle · 20/07/2017 21:11

Greenkit was that full stop a mistake or an arsehole way to place mark?

Sallystyle · 20/07/2017 21:13

This is a real persons marriage, this man based on what's posted has done nothing wrong.

Well, I and many others beg to differ.

I am not sure what is right about messaging a newly single woman and telling her she is beautiful. Meeting her for a coffee. Telling the OP he is meeting two female friends and wait... he never invited two after all!

What is right about that?

OP I hope your talk goes well Thanks

Swipe left for the next trending thread