AIBU to be ready to just give it all up because of childs lies

[FP239]

I am a mum to 5 beautiful kids. Me eldest was a picture perfect kid until around age 11. Then the lies started right after the transition from juniors to seniors.

They have been unable to keep long term friends and flit between groups, are outcast for bad behaviour/compulsive lies and it goes on and on. My heart breaks as I love them so much and they seem so miserable. They have told social services I am abusing them all and need to be arrested/sectioned for their safety. Told school they are a full time carer for me and my other children. Ruined any family trips/holidays that we have been on and had other people constantly comment to me about their bad behaviour and lack of respect towards me. They took themselves into hospital after hearing voices and refused to leave the bed for 5 days . Told the doctors I detest them and they wished me dead ( never ever possibly true) .Eventually the mental health team said they didn't believe them as the story changed every two minutes and depending on who they were talking too. Diagnosis-attention seeking. I had to redo my whole year at uni as the stress over my exam period meant that I was useless for the month.

They have claimed to have cancer twice, then been victimised and horribly bullied due to this and threatened suicide constantly. Lots of risky sexual behaviour like sending underage naked pics of themselves while a sibling was in bed next to them.

They lie horrifically to immediate family members knowing that I will find out within hours and have to go through damage control. And my partner is as soft as jelly and when I raise an issue, says that we don't know the entire story and need to speak to our now 19 year old child to find out the truth. They will say that the family member is lying and he will believe it totally. I finally got them an appointment with mental health and told them EVERYTHING. Got a diagnosis of emotionally unstable border line personality disorder for our adult child and got sent home. No therapy, but can apply for a 6 week course of CBT with a trainee. They wont engage in it.

My life feels like its in ruins. My best friend of 24 years has just been in touch and my 19 year old has been going around saying they were in a nightclub with them and they were doing hard drugs and were embarrassingly drunk at 4am. Not true, I know she was at home watching love island. Everybody has been very tolerant over the years but now these rumours could very seriously affect my friends business and her credibility within her field. I am literally at my wits end with this shit. Its getting to where I have bursts of pure rage over the friends and opportunities that my child and their illness have caused me. Why cant they just NOT LIE?! We have been told time and time again its attention seeking behaviour (for attnetion from other people, not just us) but I can't take it anymore. They can not hold down a job for more than 6 weeks and lurch from disaster to disaster.

I am fed up it. My life is a constant tense wait for the next massive drama they bring home, the next fight I have with my partner and my own mental health is in absolute shreds. I don't know what to do. But my instinct is to get our little rental property empty and send my partner and our adult child to live there to give my younger kids some peace and respite from this non stop shit storm. My partner and adult child will say I am out of order and abandoning my parental responsibilities. WTF do I do? This is destroying us all.

So, AIBU to send them to live apart from us for a while. Has anybody ever experienced anything like this?Any advice at all as I am at breaking point.

Where would you send them to live? What are your other children like?
Do you know if they have suffered any trauma around the time it started?

I have no real suggestions. My sister was terrible growing up and she went to live with my dad for a bit but it only made things worse. She did settle down through her 20s but this was after she got herself a decent boyfriend who calmed her down a bit.

Do you get much 1 on 1 time with each of the kids?

Is it the 19 year old causing all this trouble. Yanbu to tell her and dp to move out for a while. You also have a duty of care to your other kids

YANBU. Your child is an adult now, your younger DC need and deserve to be a priority for once!

You poor darling, this sounds dreadful. My first thought reading was has she had a proper mental health assessment in all this? A lot of the behaviour patterns you describe such as hearing voices, compulsive lying and imagined health problems or victimisation are symptoms of mental health disorders and some of these tend to start appearing during puberty.

Bollocks, sorry - just reread and saw they've been assessed.

For the sake of your younger dc you need to have your eldest staying elsewhere. .

I have lots of 1-1 time with my other kids although as they are growing up they prefer their own space and independence. They all tend to just roll their eyes when their sibling starts the drama but it worries me that they see them differently and as something of a joke/family embarrassment.

@Mammylamb yes, it is the 19 year old causing all of the trouble. they moved out briefly a while back after a strop and as much as it hurts me to say, it was blissfully quiet. We could all suddenly unclench and remove our shoulders from our earlobes. All the kids are expected to muck in with chores etc but the eldest refuses or does it so badly that its almost like a punishment for me. I love them but they make it very very difficult.

I cant help but think that if my OH could step up and deliver some tough love instead of mollycoddling her that that might help. But while he has made some steps he is terrible at tough love.

I've no advice OP but i hope things improve for you all. I don't think YABU to look at a rental for them if you can afford it, sounds like you need a break and your partner needs to start addressing the issues. Could you afford to take yourself and your other children away somewhere for a couple of weeks so your not nearby to deal with any fall out, forcing your partner to?

Is your OH your daughters dad?

I know somebody asked about hat my other kids are like, they are all fine. One is ASD and had real issues transitioning from one school to another but is on the mend, they are all, for most parts very happy children. Apart from the eldest. But when the eldest is in a good mood /well behaved they are an absolute pleasure to be around. Then a day later they will steal £20 out of my youngest money bank, deny it and then accuse me of beating them as a child and move out to stay with friends for 48 hours. I have 48 hours of people messaging me and calling telling me what horrible lies they are saying about me starving them/beating them/neglecting them. 24 hours later they are home and happy as Larry.

If OH stood up to her and put her in her place would she listen more do you think? If he's never done it before would it have more of an impact? Or does OH think everyone else is the liar and not DD? I don't think you ABU re housing situation - could you say to OH here are our options either you toughen up or otherwise stay elsewhere with DD? Sounds harsh but sounds like it's needed... xx

Got a diagnosis of emotionally unstable border line personality disorder for our adult child and got sent home. No therapy, but can apply for a 6 week course of CBT with a trainee.

That sounds entirely inadequate.

Can you get your child in to see a psychologist privately?

No solid advice I'm afraid but this sound awful for you all. I know this is terribly un maternal but can you not approach SS and mental health teams and see what other accommodation is available. Mental health needs or no mental health needs she can not go round spreading damaging lies about people with no reprocussions. You must be living on your nerves and that's not good for you or your other children.

My OH is not the eldest twos father but has been since they were very small. They adore him and the eldest almost sees me as an impostor. They did live separately to me for a year ( we also have a small property) and while it was easier for me and the other kids, that was only because the eldest was left to commit harry karri in another town while their dad worked. We had the police involved multiple times as they attracted so many badly behaved teens to the flat. We had to replace window after window. so the behaviour didn't improve away from me, I just didn't know about most of it until it filtered through friends/family.

Also, if anybody else has the spot light.....for example my son had a leading role in a production, they made sure the police had called their dad to come to the station so he missed it and my son was upset. She can seem very spiteful.

I think you need to put your foot down and ask your child to leave. She is an adult, so the next time she throws a strop and goes just change the locks, pack up her stuff and text her a date/time to collect it. Make sure you have support, lots of it, when she is due to come.

You owe it to yourself, your DP and your other children.

I do think my OH standing up to them would make a difference as they seem to thrive on manipulating him. A few months back they called their dad and said "Hey , got a job, I am talking to people on the internet and I get paid for it". He was (naively) thrilled and gave her the thumbs up. I pointed out that it was most likely web camming to pervy old men and he flat out refused to believe it. But sure enough, they were using HIS laptop and wifi to do shows on the net. But by telling a tiny sliver of the truth they got the approval and then could say " but you were happy and said I could!". I say a big fat no, turn the wifi off and then I am the monster that is destroying their lives.

@Koala no way I could afford private psychologist. We spent our savings on a private counselor for our son when he went downhill . Our eldest is not interested in talking therapy as they lie continuously even in therapy. The pscyhologist was horrified when I went in to the appointment and corrected all the lies, they had believed it all and were even under the impression that we had gone away on holiday and left the eldest in charge of 4 other kids without any gas, electric food or money for 5 days! You literally wouldn't believe it all if i laid it out here.

Also, I know I am using gender neutral terms, that is two of my sons preference and I try my best but sometimes I slip up so sorry if I confuse anybody.

If you want any hope of a constructive on going relationship with this child then you need vigarously enforced boundaries with her and she needs to move out. Successful treatment for borderline personality disorder (which i think is now called something else) is incredibly rare and really only works if the person involves wants to engage/change. Right now you need space to retreat/disengage when your boundaries are not being respected and you don't have it. And your other children need respite.

I admire your strength for being able to hold it all together with little support from DH.
Sorry, but the 19yr old has to go, for the mental health of your whole family.
I had a younger x BIL who lied and stole, the MIL had to keep her bedroom door locked and any money with her at all times or he would have it away. Sorry to say he never changed and in his late 40s is still a cheat and looser.
Good luck and stay strong.

I'd cut all ties, You've done the best you can. Can concentrate on giving your energy to your other children.

Successful treatment for borderline personality disorder (which i think is now called something else) is incredibly rare and really only works if the person involves wants to engage/change

It is now often referred to as Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as it is being increasingly recognised as a response to developmental trauma of one kind or another. Success is rare partly because it has previously been treated as a purely biological disorder rather than understanding it as a response (which will of course be influenced by personality). I am not excusing her behaviour by the way, just offering further insight.

I am sorry you are going through this and only hope she gets the help she clearly needs and your other children aren't too badly effected by her behaviour

I agree that you would not be unreasonable to cut ties with your older child and prioritise your younger ones, but there is something else that comes to mind.
Your eldest clearly does have a mental health issue of some description, and, from what you say, your DP is more tolerant than you of this child's behaviour (to the extent of favouring this child over the others), which started to become a problem at adolescence.

Have you ever wondered if there could be a connection between these two things?

You can't help the 19 year old any more, think of the others and change the locks - let them find someone else to lie to

Given what she has said to people especially about your friend which could have a negative impact on her business would a solicitors letter to your DD mentioning slander and court and explaining to her that if she gets taken to court and tells lies she will end up in prison.

I know it is a long shot.

Or could you put an add in the local paper with a photo and a line underneath saying

I AM A LIAR. To shame her and let people know how she twists things.

Is she on any drugs, drink etc which could be aggravating things.

You are advocating shaming as a way of treating a mental health disorder? Are you on glue?