AIBU to be ready to just give it all up because of childs lies

[FP239]

I am a mum to 5 beautiful kids. Me eldest was a picture perfect kid until around age 11. Then the lies started right after the transition from juniors to seniors.

They have been unable to keep long term friends and flit between groups, are outcast for bad behaviour/compulsive lies and it goes on and on. My heart breaks as I love them so much and they seem so miserable. They have told social services I am abusing them all and need to be arrested/sectioned for their safety. Told school they are a full time carer for me and my other children. Ruined any family trips/holidays that we have been on and had other people constantly comment to me about their bad behaviour and lack of respect towards me. They took themselves into hospital after hearing voices and refused to leave the bed for 5 days . Told the doctors I detest them and they wished me dead ( never ever possibly true) .Eventually the mental health team said they didn't believe them as the story changed every two minutes and depending on who they were talking too. Diagnosis-attention seeking. I had to redo my whole year at uni as the stress over my exam period meant that I was useless for the month.

They have claimed to have cancer twice, then been victimised and horribly bullied due to this and threatened suicide constantly. Lots of risky sexual behaviour like sending underage naked pics of themselves while a sibling was in bed next to them.

They lie horrifically to immediate family members knowing that I will find out within hours and have to go through damage control. And my partner is as soft as jelly and when I raise an issue, says that we don't know the entire story and need to speak to our now 19 year old child to find out the truth. They will say that the family member is lying and he will believe it totally. I finally got them an appointment with mental health and told them EVERYTHING. Got a diagnosis of emotionally unstable border line personality disorder for our adult child and got sent home. No therapy, but can apply for a 6 week course of CBT with a trainee. They wont engage in it.

My life feels like its in ruins. My best friend of 24 years has just been in touch and my 19 year old has been going around saying they were in a nightclub with them and they were doing hard drugs and were embarrassingly drunk at 4am. Not true, I know she was at home watching love island. Everybody has been very tolerant over the years but now these rumours could very seriously affect my friends business and her credibility within her field. I am literally at my wits end with this shit. Its getting to where I have bursts of pure rage over the friends and opportunities that my child and their illness have caused me. Why cant they just NOT LIE?! We have been told time and time again its attention seeking behaviour (for attnetion from other people, not just us) but I can't take it anymore. They can not hold down a job for more than 6 weeks and lurch from disaster to disaster.

I am fed up it. My life is a constant tense wait for the next massive drama they bring home, the next fight I have with my partner and my own mental health is in absolute shreds. I don't know what to do. But my instinct is to get our little rental property empty and send my partner and our adult child to live there to give my younger kids some peace and respite from this non stop shit storm. My partner and adult child will say I am out of order and abandoning my parental responsibilities. WTF do I do? This is destroying us all.

So, AIBU to send them to live apart from us for a while. Has anybody ever experienced anything like this?Any advice at all as I am at breaking point.

Got a diagnosis of emotionally unstable border line personality disorder for our adult child and got sent home. No therapy, but can apply for a 6 week course of CBT with a trainee.

This is a BIG part of the problem. If you thought children's MH services left a lot to be desired - Once you hit adult MH services, it's beyond shocking!

Have you asked children's services to undertake a family assessment?

"If nothing ever changes, then nothing ever changes."

Nothing to date has worked. You still have a child, now adult, who has issues that you cannot cope with. I would start with changing your response to it. You are in mother-mode, trying to fix everything in the hope that your child will be happy. I think it's time to accept that YOU CANNOT FIX THIS. All you can do is protect yourself and your other children.

Yes, it is hard. But please, accept that no matter how much attention you give them, it will never be enough. They will suck you dry and spit out the husk. I think you're pretty close to that point already . Accepting that you cannot fix this DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON. It makes you a normal human, one who has tried their utmost, but who has been overwhelmed by an impossible situation.

Don't empty your rental property for them to stay in. You tried that before, the place got trashed, and we both know they took pleasure in doing that to you. It really is time for the tough love, in that you tell them to leave. I'd even go so far as to say, give them no warning. Take the opportunity at their next flounce to stay with friends; change the locks, bag up their stuff, deliver it to the friend's house. Then disengage, as much as you can.

Next, your OH. Time for him to man the fuck up, and prioritise the younger four children. Or frankly, I'd gladly send him packing too. This is one of those rare occasions where the phrase 'If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem' actually applies. If he doesn't back you up, if the front is not united, then it will fail. So he either steps up, or gets out of the way and doesn't make things worse, which i rather think his softness has done.

I'm so sorry it has come to this, but you really have done everything that can be done - except this. I think it's time. ((hug))

Is this one child or two? Is the eldest gender neutral?

MH provision totally and utterly sucks - it is a disgrace. I know you have no money for ongoing therapy but could you get enough together to see a good psychiatrist (not a psychologist or therapist) who specialises in BPD? They may be able to prescribe medication to mitigate the mood swings etc (though there is no cure for BP) and advise on the best treatment - perhaps DBT. If, of course your DS will engage.

Sometimes there are local therapists often in group practices who will offer cheaper much fees for off peak appointments and may have group therapy sessions. Your local Mind might have list of support groups for your DS and also ones that you could attend. However, please excuse me because I suspect you have already been down all these avenues. Meditation - learning to live in the present can also help sometimes.

I think using your rental is a good idea - could you and DH split the residency there and develop a program to keep your DS out and about and doing routine activities that involve self care?

It must be so hard for you and truly heartbreaking. You sound like an incredible mother and a really strong person.

I have a friend with bpd and although she does all the right things and engages fully there seems to be nothing for her between self-help books and full in-patient hospital care.
It's really shit.
MH services just don't seem to know how to help.
I have no idea what to advise but please try to see that bpd is the issue and your child isn't being like this out of choice.

Armchair diagnosis so take it with a massive pinch of salt, but I'd lay a pound to a penny your eldest suffered a huge trauma of which you are unfortunately unaware of. This acting out is an attempt to get the attention that was sorely missed when the genuine trauma was inflicted. Unfortunately it now sounds like they have become a fantasist, so it's going to be an epic struggle to get to the bottom of this. I'd suggest a psychotherapist if you can ever get them to the point they would accept help. If it were me I'd be inclined to empty that apartment and move in with them myself and take as long as it took to get to the bottom of this. However I'd try to prepare myself for a high chance of failure.

It's a tough one as they are an adult now so you can't really parent them anymore, but you need to build credibility with them as an adult. I'd advocating getting some counseling for yourself too as I have a feeling this isn't going to be an easy journey.

Absolutely disgusted with the advice to put a add in the paper with I Am A Liar under it. This person has real mental health issues and needs support not shaming. How dare you suggest such a thing. The whole family needs support, perhaps from young careers for the younger children or carers uk for both parents. I have experience with both of my teenagers having mental health problems. Please pm me if you want to talk further

Actually, I'm disgusted with most of the advice on this thread.

She's 19, she's as much your child as the younger ones, OP. If your DH is employed and you have a rental property, surely you can afford some private mental health care for her? I understand that it's unfortunate it's not covered by the NHS, but that's the situation in many other countries. We don't just abandon people when they're mentally ill, though.

If you 'cut ties with her' now, as advised by some, she will probably end up incarcerated or dead. Reality.

Unless you have had close contact with someone who has Emotionally Unstable/ Borderline Personality Disorder, you really will not understand the impact they have on the lives of those around them.

OP, you would not BU to refuse to continue to house your child.

Please don't abandon her, she needs help not intolerance. I understand it's hard but you must explore every avenue and have a rethink. She is your child and she is ILL. If you think it's hard for you just think what it's like for her.

Successful treatment for borderline personality disorder (which i think is now called something else) is incredibly rare and really only works if the person involves wants to engage/change

MH services aren't interested in you if you have BPD; they'll just demonise you, then discharge you. Nothing to do with wanting 'to engage/change'. You're not even given the chance. Source: my personal experience, and that of many others.

Derval agree wholeheartedly. To the poster who specified a psychiatrist not a psychotherapist or psychologist I would suggest we are far to enthralled with psychiatry, believing it to be much more scientific than it actually is. Medication is a plaster and mostly just takes the edge off if it helps at all, it's not a cure.

MH provision is shit. We are failing people horribly.

I have plenty of experience of a child with BP D and Compex PTSD, psychosis, depression etc. YWBU to change the locks etc on her just out of the blue, and cut all ties.

The thing is, where do you draw your line? Your own mental health needs taking care of because you've other DCs who need parenting (and I'd hazard that whilst you're dealing with the eldest one's mental health issues they've taken a back burner sometimes). So do you - for the sake of the survival and maintenance of the rest of your family unit - rehouse them and focus your time, energy and support somewhere else, or do you allow them to continue systematically destroying the lives of everyone you live with and love?

Everyone has a cut off point and I wouldn't judge you for a second if this was yours. I have a son with ASD who is spectacularly well-behaved and rarely plays us up, but I've no idea how you put in he time and energy a child with ASD requires whilst also dealing with the adult-child's issues. You deserve a bloody medal. I'm exhausted just reading through this.

As for your partner, if they don't actively back you when it comes to parent, there's no point them being there. Either you're a unit and present a solid, united front that won't be divided or softened by promises, or you might as well parent solo. If you aren't able to ask them both to leave, show your partner this. Show them how fucking awful things are, how close you all are to breaking point and how close you are to giving up. Mental Health services are woeful, so all you can do right now is change your own position. If you need to disengage to protect everyone else, do it.

I'd lay a pound to a penny your eldest suffered a huge trauma of which you are unfortunately unaware of. This acting out is an attempt to get the attention that was sorely missed when the genuine trauma was inflicted

This was my original thought too... Maybe hormones sent her out of whack when she turned 11 as I know puberty can have a huge effect, but it seems odd that a model child would go so far off the rails. So sorry you're going through this OP - it sounds like a living nightmare. Is there no getting through to your child? On the occasions when she's happy and being good company have you tried to address why she lies and says the awful things she says? What's her reaction when you ask her straight out? You really need to get your OH on the same page - he's enabling her and you should not have to carry this burden without his support. You need to be a united front or else you will get nowhere

"Also, I know I am using gender neutral terms, that is two of my sons preference and I try my best but sometimes I slip up so sorry if I confuse anybody."

This sentence, right here, gave me a major insight to your style of parenting, OP.

Fully prepared to get it in the neck, but my honest to God opinion is that you are pandering to a brat. A brat who is now a dysfunctional adult. And perhaps if she hadn't been so fucking pandered to all her life, she might not be the classic example of everything that is wrong with this sad excuse of a millennial generation.

Yes, yes, kick her out. Best idea you've ever had. Leave your OH out of it though. He can stay. Your ADULT daughter can go have a dose of the real world. Christ she might even get some actual truthful fodder for her stories. Will anyone believe the girl, sorry woman, who cried wolf so many times though?

You are her mother. You love her. But she is a fucking liability and you have done all you can. It's time to cut the cord, OP. Give your other kids the home they deserve. She had her chance(s) and she blew it. Of course, assure her you will always love her and be in her life, but you cannot and will not continue to enable her.

Good Luck.

I think your partner would be putting himself in a very vulnerable position with your daughter if they lived together alone. It sounds as though she could say he was abusing her without any compunction at all.

Could your child have Attachment Disorder? This type of behaviour is incredibly similar to my DD (who is adopted).

Fully prepared to get it in the neck, but my honest to God opinion is that you are pandering to a brat. A brat who is now a dysfunctional adult. And perhaps if she hadn't been so fucking pandered to all her life, she might not be the classic example of everything that is wrong with this sad excuse of a millennial generation.

Here you go then; it's not the 'sad excuse of a millennial generation' that has fucked everything up, or hogs all the wealth in our society. They're exposed to stresses that people of my generation (late 40s) couldn't imagine. I don't envy them one but. Take your head out of your arse.

oliversmumarmy, wtaf, I'm lost for words, do you have children?

And to clarify what I meant by that, I find the very idea of 'gender neutral' to be a farce. It is a prime example of the type of idiot we are rearing.

She's an adult now - time for her to find her feet in the outside world.

Tell her she has to go.

Sorry for the delay, I am trying to cook dinner and read at the same time.

When the eldest was 11, that is when this started. She did witness some domestic abuse between her biological father and myself which is why we split up. She was 2 and her brother 1. She was a perfectly normal child and did well at school. Her brother has ASD. At seniors, within weeks it was like a monster had taken her over. She did say at 13 that she had been raped by a friends dad on a sleepover and we went to the police obviously she has had a lot of therapy over the years but the police took it no further. Because of the constant lies , her peers branded her a outcast and refused to believe the abuse. It is almost like the more of an outcast she becomes, the more she tries to fabricate ridiculous stories to garner attention. She has lied about miscarrying, being pregnant, being beaten, verbally abused, tormented and terrorised by boys that have turned out to not have even been in our town that night. I have tried everything I can think of. I have shelf upon shelf of self help books. My sister is halfway through her masters in psychology to try and find a solution or some insight. I have tried tough love, love bombing, close contact, no contact, living together, living apart. I told her and my OH to move out into his old flat and even filed for divorce twice. He refused. We have finally come back to live together and it is intolerable. I have had police involved for her bad behaviour , the CSE team talk to her. Nothing has helped at all.

I know she is my child. I am desperate to help, I want my daughter happy and able to have a relationship and keep a friend without having to buy them or dazzle them with bull shit.

To the person that said BPD is now known as complex ptsd, thank you. I will let my sister know and start to do some research. I have joined a few BPD support groups and asked aout anybody having experiences like ours and to date I havent found anything quite like this. That may help me. Thank you. It has been worth it just for that.

To the person that said if we have a rental property, we must have money. No. We are incredibly poor. The flat is mortgaged to the hilt and we live in a rental. I am a full time carer for my kids and am studying my masters. We spent our holiday money on our son getting some counselling as he is a very clever young man that was actually at the brink of suicide. He fully enagaged in his therapy, put the skills he leaned into practice and is now on the way to recovery. My eldest has never, ever completed a course of therapy or stuck anything through. She lies complusively like I breathe. She will lie about what she had for dinner. Where she went to school. If her room is tidy. If she has stolen my daughters birthday money again. Who ate my last dark chocolate bar ( even though she hates dark chocolate).

But I know I want to help her. But it is So Fucking Hard. I also have a series of autoimmune diseases that are made worse by stress so we really are all struggling through this swamp.

Even after reading all these replies, I am still torn between getting some respite and sending them to live apart and just giving her one more chance to try and turn it all around. And true to pattern, it is pushing me and the OH to argue even more about what is best. I really do feel like I cant win. I want to get on a plane and just run away. We do have a holiday booked, for my kids and me and my OH as the eldest couldnt come due to work. She has since lost her job again and i know that she will try her damndest to prevent us from going away ( my OH at least).

I am a single parent to one adult child who has phychosis and ASD. And a teenager who has Complex PT sD and BPD depression anxiety. They both live with e so I completely understand protecting your own mental health, but you seek out support from where ever and whomever you can. I personally have little support but that's my choice.

Hey Cock less of the "head out of your arse" shite. It makes you sound like a twat. Or a cock for that matter.

I actually agree, it is entirely our fault. Our generation have bred a generation of weaklings. Time to toughen up a bit.