AIBU to be ready to just give it all up because of childs lies

[FP239]

I am a mum to 5 beautiful kids. Me eldest was a picture perfect kid until around age 11. Then the lies started right after the transition from juniors to seniors.

They have been unable to keep long term friends and flit between groups, are outcast for bad behaviour/compulsive lies and it goes on and on. My heart breaks as I love them so much and they seem so miserable. They have told social services I am abusing them all and need to be arrested/sectioned for their safety. Told school they are a full time carer for me and my other children. Ruined any family trips/holidays that we have been on and had other people constantly comment to me about their bad behaviour and lack of respect towards me. They took themselves into hospital after hearing voices and refused to leave the bed for 5 days . Told the doctors I detest them and they wished me dead ( never ever possibly true) .Eventually the mental health team said they didn't believe them as the story changed every two minutes and depending on who they were talking too. Diagnosis-attention seeking. I had to redo my whole year at uni as the stress over my exam period meant that I was useless for the month.

They have claimed to have cancer twice, then been victimised and horribly bullied due to this and threatened suicide constantly. Lots of risky sexual behaviour like sending underage naked pics of themselves while a sibling was in bed next to them.

They lie horrifically to immediate family members knowing that I will find out within hours and have to go through damage control. And my partner is as soft as jelly and when I raise an issue, says that we don't know the entire story and need to speak to our now 19 year old child to find out the truth. They will say that the family member is lying and he will believe it totally. I finally got them an appointment with mental health and told them EVERYTHING. Got a diagnosis of emotionally unstable border line personality disorder for our adult child and got sent home. No therapy, but can apply for a 6 week course of CBT with a trainee. They wont engage in it.

My life feels like its in ruins. My best friend of 24 years has just been in touch and my 19 year old has been going around saying they were in a nightclub with them and they were doing hard drugs and were embarrassingly drunk at 4am. Not true, I know she was at home watching love island. Everybody has been very tolerant over the years but now these rumours could very seriously affect my friends business and her credibility within her field. I am literally at my wits end with this shit. Its getting to where I have bursts of pure rage over the friends and opportunities that my child and their illness have caused me. Why cant they just NOT LIE?! We have been told time and time again its attention seeking behaviour (for attnetion from other people, not just us) but I can't take it anymore. They can not hold down a job for more than 6 weeks and lurch from disaster to disaster.

I am fed up it. My life is a constant tense wait for the next massive drama they bring home, the next fight I have with my partner and my own mental health is in absolute shreds. I don't know what to do. But my instinct is to get our little rental property empty and send my partner and our adult child to live there to give my younger kids some peace and respite from this non stop shit storm. My partner and adult child will say I am out of order and abandoning my parental responsibilities. WTF do I do? This is destroying us all.

So, AIBU to send them to live apart from us for a while. Has anybody ever experienced anything like this?Any advice at all as I am at breaking point.

OP, I was like your daughter. I had diagnosis of BPD, and had suffered symptoms of BPD since age 16 but had been a difficult child since age 7 or 8. I did the lying thing. I was occasionally violent, i self-harmed, i took overdoses, struggled with compulsive shopping, binge eating (and sometimes purgeing) excessive internet use and very volatile relationships. I was only halfway down your original post and i thought "classic BPD" before i even read the bit where your DC was diagnosed. I still struggle with the lying and the mood swings. I also have PCOS and I think that hormones exacerbate my issues a lot.

You say, OP, that you have been on websites regarding BPD but haven't found anyone like your DC. BPD takes manmy diverse forms. Not all BPD sufferers "act out" in extreme ways, some symptomsa re way more subtle. Like your daughter I had the type called "Extrovert or acting out" BPD. Doesn't mean I am an extrovert, (I'm quite shy when I'm not kicking off, believe it or not!) but it means that my illness acts out to others as opposed to just being self-destructive (although there is a lot of that too with me).

I was diagnosed in my early 20s, after suicide attempts, run-ins with the police (never charged with anything as they realised i was unwell), semi-psychosis (hearing voices genuinely- your daughter may not be faking, but then again she might) paranoid ideations, almost becoming bankrupt twice. bailed out once, then next time the debt was written off. I was given DBT which helped a lot. It was a 2 year course of treatment (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) I had to really push for it though- i had a support worker with a local charity organisation in my area (sadly they folded earlier this year) and they pushed the GP to refer me back to MH services and specifically ask for DBT. Previously MH services tried drugs and some unsuccessful CBT then would discharge me until I ended up having a breakdown and self harming, ending up in A and E or in a vicious altercation with someone I perceived was rejecting me. DBT was only thing that helped. I am not totally better yet but I have made headway. I am 35 now and after a recent breakdown a few weeks ago (had 2 this year) I have been referred to trauma therapy.
I was verbally and emotionally abused by a parent including witnessing my pther parent and sister being victims of this as well. i also suffered sexual abuse, first as a young child, then later. I don;t think the sex abuse affected me long term but the DV and verbal abuse definitely did. I am afraid to trust people, yet at same time abandonment makes me feel rubbish about myself and very insecure. I get panic and anxiety for which I still take medication. So, yeah, witnessing DV would definitely have an affect on your DC, but personality is another factor. I suffered a lot of bullying at my primary school and struggled to make friends. I wasw an extremely sensitive child but after puberty I became very aggressive and hostile.

OP, I am sorry if that post of mine came across as negative. Just to let you know your daughter's issues are not unique and neither you or her are alone. I don't know what to advise about your situation except for really pressing with your GP for a referral. or try Mind Advocacy Service if you don't have any success there. I recommend checking out Borderline UK and BPD World online if you haven't already. I will say that there is a real risk of suicide with BPD and the fact that your DC is thrreatening it may or may not mean she may act on it. For me, feeling abandoned was a trigger to make an attampt or gesture with pills or trying to cut a vein. So tread carefully with the cutting all ties.
I almost cried reading ypour post. It made me realise what I put my own mum through and although she has been great and forgiving about it, like you, she must have gone through hell.

A major thing that helped reduce the severity of my episodes was God. I don't want to seem like I am proseletysing here, but I found faith helpful to me although it was a very rocky thing at first because my parents had been believers including my abusive parent but things regarding God have improved a lot since I reduced contact with my dad and moved away to a different church. But i did need the MH support as well. Majorly.

brasty at "Wed 19-Jul-17 00:19:57" Good inciteful post. I've no idea if what you suggest is true but it does seem to fit the facts as they are know.

OP this must be very traumatic for you too, to read all this.

My heart goes out to everyone on this thread who has suffered and is suffering. XXXXXXXXXXX