To have 'ruined' my best friends life

[tanglewreck]

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

Name changer here.

I did this when I was at uni many moons ago. I stole from a friend, for various sad but pathetic reasons.

What!? YANBU, what kind of animals steal money from their friend!???

Posted too soon, sorry. I was going to go on to say that I am completely on the side of the OP tbh. My then friend had a lot of money so it wasn't that that she missed, it was my betrayal that got her. Understandably. I still can't believe I did it, I'm a different person now.

I had a crisis of conscience and told her, told the Dean of our college and then the police. Despite it being a reasonable amount I was cautioned and that was it, because of my obvious remorse. I went on to train in a profession that requires DBS etc. In the early days it showed up and I explained the circumstances and got jobs etc, after 20 years it doesn't show up any more.

I would never have put pressure on my friend or the mutual friends that I lost (all of them) to 'be on my side'. I was in the wrong and that was that.

Vulval - it was me who said I'd write to their current manager, and I stand by it. These people not only thought they could steal from the OP, but that she was to blame for the consequences - and are still using mutual friends to cause difficulties! I'd want to let them know they'd picked on the wrong person.

Because if you gave me something sharp in their vicinity I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.

Heard during a job interview:

"Well yeah, I was prosecuted for theft, but it wasn't my fault! The person I stole from? She had the audacity to get the police involved, and when she spotted me on the CCTV stealing from her, she pressed charges! Like, who DOES that? Presses charges when someone steals from them? Outrageous behavior. Oh, I know it probably wasn't her decision to press CHARGES, but like... she could have lied to the police and protected me. Really, my criminal record is all her fault."

Theft is theft. Thieves are thieves. They made their beds, and now they must lie in them.
Furthermore, anyone who doesn't agree with the above is either a thief themselves, or too stupid to understand what is going on here.

I've seen no "relish" from OP,

How about I wondered if it was one of them giving a sob story on here 😂?
There is a coldness there, mixed in with the mocking tears of laughter which makes me stand by my assessment.

If someone I called a friend stole from me, you're damn skippy that some of the remarks out of my mouth would be cold.

And the mocking tears of laughter, well, it's my personal assessment that these thieves knew exactly what they were doing (old enough to know better) and were calculated (more than one withdrawal, as opposed to one spur of the moment act of desperation). To then play the victim, because the actual victim availed herself of the justice system, IS laughable. I'm laughing too. And I don't care if you call me cold. At least I am not a thief.

How old were your friends when they did this?

I'm not saying that the thieves shouldn't be able to move on, get a second chance at their lives and at behaving better.

But it shouldn't be at the victim's expense - it's not her job to make them feel better about the bad thing THEY did to HER.

And it shouldn't be at the kind of profession that OP says they were training for. Plenty of people in this thread have pointed out the dangers of allowing thieves to work with vulnerable people.

If you are the kind of person who can steal from someone you call friend, and then refuse to accept any responsibility whatsoever - and go so far as to blame the victim for the consequences of your actions, then you are not the kind of person who is likely to undergo a wholescale morality makeover. People who deserve second chances are people who have learned from their mistake and grown as people. You do not and cannot learn from a mistake you refuse to accept you made.

And as far as the elderly woman you knew, that's a lovely piece of anecdata. But the situations are not the same. There is a big difference between shaming someone in front of children for no good reason (what happened in your story) and ensuring that unashamed thieves are not allowed to work with vulnerable people (what happened in the OP's story).

How do I know they are unashamed thieves? Because, again, they refuse to accept that they were wrong, instead blaming their "misfortune" (read: the bed they must now lie in) on the victim of their crime.

Law students? You did the profession a favour by reporting them. Btw I'm not a lawyer!!

By not accepting that they were in the wrong means they haven't reformed and could easily do the same again.

And yes I do think the worst behaviour of you shows your true character.

I think you need to asses your choice in friends. Make new ones leave the crims in the past and their equally criminal and morally corrupt mutual mates. I imagine it was really hurtful to have a friend treat you this way. Just so you know if you tell anyone in the future the correct response is "what the hell that's awful can't believe your friends did that. Glad that had a tough life lesson from the law!"

I'm sure if you had lied to the police and said you did not recognize them and subsequently they found out it was your flatmates all three of you would have had your careers ruined as they would have thought that you were complicit in the crime and a jury would have agreed that it was a case of fraud.
It's sad but you had no option. Were they in dire straits over money OP?
Sometimes you have the option to let people off the hook a little although I suspect in your case they would have been unlikely to pay you back but in the case of bank cards being taken, a line was crossed. In terms of career advice I suggest that they consider running a business. However, it is no walk in the park.
some years ago some friends came round to my house and their 12 year old daughter took 40 quid out of dh's wallet. One consideration in how to handle this situation was that we were part of a closely knit friendship group. We just thought it better to tell the father of the friend as in life it is important to ensure that kids get their behaviour corrected for their own benefit and future life chances. The dad did not handle the matter as well as he could have done with me thinking he should have brought her round to apologise and give the money back. Neither of those two things happened but what is important is the group is still together and good friends. But, if we had been in the same situation as you with a card being stolen then we would have gone to the police.

You op are young and will make lots of new friends and leave these other ones behind.
Your friends were just incredibly stupid. Of course they would be caught on camera.

Once this sort of thing goes to the police they are actually investigating on the part of the bank as well, so even if the OP has pretended to not recognise them the police would have continued to investigate, and chances are would have caught them. The OP could well have been implicated as well.

OP, I feel quite angry on your behalf. I don't do vengeance but I do believe in justice and your friends IMO got what they deserved. Am so sorry you went through this.

My belief is that the key to most things in life is acceptance. The Op has accepted this happened to her, took the necessary action and adjustments to her friendships and moved on. The 'friends' however appear not to have embraced 'acceptance' themselves which is what is ruining their lives (nothing to do with Op). They have not accepted that their actions led to the consequences they have experienced. There is so much in life they could still do they are just holding themselves back at this point.

Yeh, lying to the police? are they stupid...

That may well be the case but the previous thread had the same writing style

You remember the writing style of every thread you read on here, Wormwood? How?

Yes, of course they are responsible for their actions, but it is also and simultaneously true that the impact on their lives has been disproportionately negative.

Financially, their crime has already cost them hundreds of thousands of pounds which will only continue to increase as the years pass.

How is any of that OP's fault, Vulval?

How about I wondered if it was one of them giving a sob story on here 😂? There is a coldness there, mixed in with the mocking tears of laughter which makes me stand by my assessment.

Why should OP feel warm towards these people who repeatedly stole from her? And interpreting a reference to "sob story" (which is, after all, what it was) as "mocking tears of laughter" is stretching the meaning of language far too far. The use of that term emphatically does not translate as relishing their downfall as you claim.

I've defiantly read this story before...