To have 'ruined' my best friends life

[tanglewreck]

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

I agree you did the right thing. The act that they haven't taken responsibility for their crime speaks volumes.

I don't blame you for cutting yourself of from them and I'm sorry that other so called friends have tried to make you feel bad. Their current situation is completely of their own making.

Those victim blaming should be ashamed of yourselves.

You didn't ruin your best friends life OP. You reported to skanky criminals and then they got what they deserved. Anyone that is on their side is not your friend and you are well rid of such people.

They deserved it.

As will the mutual friends when they are screwed over

Another saying I remember the teacher thread! However, in that case, the advice I gave would work the same for your ex-friends - you can't follow the career you want, but that doesn't mean you can't have any career, so the concequence of your actions is you have to take a different path in life.

Same here - I'm guessing medical students. Thing is, they don't have to stay in min wage jobs, they obviously could go do something like a degree in bio-chem (may well even be able to use their first couple of years competed already at uni to shorten their degree), take that degree and go into many careers that don't require DBS checks or working with vunerable people. They must be bright and have good A levels.

They have options, these options are limited as a concequence of their actions, but if they are prefering to mope about and not get on with their lives, it's hardly their victim's fault.

Your mutual 'friends' are not friends really. Be careful around them and what you say. Sounds like you have all graduated and started your working lives, if so, you can easily distance yourself and stop worrying what they think.

You didn't do anything to ruin their lives. They did, when they stole your card and then stole your money.

If they're now blocked from their chosen careers that's a good thing because they obviously weren't suited for those careers.

And as for your friends who think that you should have told the police you didn't want to take it any further once you saw them on the CCTV footage: you don't always get a choice, the police might well have been able to identify them some other way, and if they hadn't done what they did, they wouldn't have got prosecuted!

FFS. Some people need to remember how logic works.

OP, you did nothing wrong.

Time to find new friends. Victim blaming at it's finest.
They stole the card and you wouldn't know who did it till the police got involved. Who knows how long they would have carried it on if you hadn't called the police. Stupid people, they have shown their true character and it serves them right they don't get to work with anyone vulnerable.

There are circumstances in which someone might let a friend off for thieving. If you knew your friend was in a desperate situation and they apologised and tried to make amends, you might choose to settle it between you rather than involve the law.

But that certainly doesn't sound like the case here. I think OP did the right and reasonable thing.

OP YANBU
They are not sorry, they're just sorry they were found out. Why should they be let off? What about when they work with vulnerable elderly and nick from them? Is that OK too?

It's all about betrayal. It's awful to think a friend would do this.

I've had it happen to me, by someone I had a reasonable relationship with. They stole a lot of money from me and I was absolutely shocked and felt so betrayed. For reasons I can't go in to, I didn't involve the Police but I went down the legal route and got the money back and once I'd got that, they didn't exist in my eyes. It's a horrible feeling to think that someone you know personally would do this to you and they deserve everything they get.

Think I remember that thread and the overwhelming advice to your friend was they need to accept they did wrong rather than having anything against you.

It seemed they always blamed others and never accepted responsibility for their actions. Therefore they got no sympathy from MNetters

Yadnbu, they have ruined their own lives, vile twats.

YANBU. This wasn't a one off or a moment of madness or the act of a desperate person with few other options - it was a nasty, calculated and repeated theft. They got off lightly. I wonder if those who think the OP should not have involved the police would be quite as charitable if they'd been robbed?

Stop trying to downplay a criminal act Sophie the OP did the right thing, the thieves have no one to blame but themselves...you reap what you sow and all that.

How they got your P.I.N. is a moot point. It doesn't negate what happened.

It took a level of low cunning to get your bank card. Then return to the cashpoint over several days to make more withdrawals.

At no point did they think to themselves this has gone far enough or to far already.

I'm guessing you wouldn't steal from someone in this or any other way ? If so, would you be given the choice of punishments ? I doubt it.

Then them saying you should have held them accountable and just got the stolen money back. This is probably bollocks anyway. You've only got their skanky word for it.

Them saying you should have just had a go at them and got the money back and not gone to the police says a lot about their attitude and their opinion of you.

Do they think you've got no rights ?

I'm glad you did what you did. They got their comeuppance for walking all over you. And still they won't drop the attitude.

Yanbu.
It's THEIR fault they can't do their chosen profession ( and by the sounds of it a good thing).
They want to blame you as it's easier than blaming themselves.

I do think the law/professional requirement is harsh- everyone should get a second chance rather than have one episode of wrongdoing shape the rest of their life with no opportunity to try again. Except child abusers, perhaps.
But that isn't your fault or your responsibility. You didn't really have any other choice but to identify them.

If someone sees no harm in breaking the law they are not the best to have a career in the legal profession

If someone commits financial crime they probably aren't best suited to work in a bank

YANBU and tough shit for them.

Like Watching, I remember the perp thread saying it was years ago, which is why they felt so rattled.

How recently, OP?

I think this behaviour is possibly worse, and certainly less mentally stable, than stealing from a stranger. I can't begin to imagine what emotional and mental process drove them to do this to a friend but they both sound stupid, impressionable and capable of appalling deceit and I don't see how that qualifies them for any profession.

Nope, YADNBU. They learned a valuable life lesson.. you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. They got everything they deserved.

I think this behaviour is possibly worse, and certainly less mentally stable, than stealing from a stranger

Totally agree!

Why ask now, OP? This was uni, and long enough ago that their crimes are spent, you've had at least two children, and those friendships (with the thieves and the mutual friends) are long since over.
How could anyone be annoyed with you for going to the police instead of chatting to the 'friends' if you only found out who it was after already having reported it? There was not even a possibility of following that course of action.

OP, did you honestly think that there was the even tiniest chance you weren't being reasonable?

YANBU obviously

(I read that other thread and am really curious about it now 😂😂)

HipHop I was just thinking that! I had to check date make sure I wasn't reading a zombie thread.

Some professions have potentially such access and power over vulnerable people that those entering it should NOT be given a 2nd chance, not after committing the sort of crimes they could more easily repeat there and abuse trust.

Those thieves haven't been banned from all high-paying jobs, just those in certain professions.
They could, with some extra study, move to a different career that still pays well.

Sounds like they still haven't accepted the consequences of their crime and want their old lives back, instead of working hard to rehabilitate themselves and make new lives.

I wonder how those who think the OP should have refused to press charges - if that were indeed allowed - would react if later in life they, or their vulnerable loved ones, fell victim to professionals who had been given a 2nd chance after convictions.

l think sometimes it's very hard to recognise that someone you know can do truly atrocious things, so people minimise and rationalise as the cognitive dissonence is so huge. Happens with crime a lot, sadly, and the victim gets blamed when it's within a friendship group as that is a lot more comfortable than accepting that friends are actually awful people - easier to take a six of one, half a dozen of the other attitude so they don't have to reconsider everything in the past, too.

This massively resonated with me as a similar thing happened to my parents years ago. Their supposed best friends stole a large amount of money from them, putting them at risk in the process. When it all came out the majority of the couples in the friendship group, whilst quick to say how terrible it all was, were equally quick to say they weren't 'getting involved' or 'taking sides'. In the end my parents were the ones who got pushed out because they wouldn't just pretend it had never happened. Only two couples stood by them and said 'No, this isn't okay'.

The sad reality is that a lot of people just want a nice easy life - so as long as they weren't the ones who got hurt, they can't really be bothered with the fallout. All people like the OP's mutual 'friends' want is for everyone to stay quiet so they don't have to deal with the shit.