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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'ruined' my best friends life

374 replies

tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:34

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

OP posts:
GelfBride · 18/07/2017 15:26

I remember the thread. They got a worse sentence because they went back a second day to get more money and so it was deemed not a spur of the moment thing.
Fuckin cheeky bitches saying anything other than that it was themselves to blame entirely for their current predicament. WTF is wrong with people nowadays.
We have a similar situation in our family at the moment. Twat is as rude and rude can be and has done something hideous. When people have objected to the rudeness and the something, we are all bad bastards for objecting. No moral compass at all!

TheMysteriousJackelope · 18/07/2017 15:33

People don't steal due to jealousy, they steal because they are thieves. If they hadn't stolen from you, they would have stolen from someone else down the line because that is what people who think stealing is OK do.

That is why they are not allowed into their chosen professions.

The people sympathizing with them have dubious ethics and as they are sympathizing with what sounds like a pair of bullies I think I'd give them a swerve too.

wizzywig · 18/07/2017 15:37

Well fingers x'd this is a life changing moment for them. Imagine those two being teachers/ lawyers/ doctors. They could potentially know all of your personal info, when you are on holiday, etc etc. They are scum and would probably sell that info or use it to their advantage. Its an awful thing to happen to you op

Donttouchthethings · 18/07/2017 15:39

YWNBU to go to the police, unless you knew it was them and they were hungry/homeless.

However, I think this is unreasonable:

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed...

It's not for you to say that their lives have been ruined or dream job chances destroyed. This is just not your call.

toooldforthisshirt37 · 18/07/2017 15:50

Seems to me that people who siding with the thieves (because that is what they are) are focusing on the fact that their future careers have been impacted. That is a shame. But not your shame. Theirs.

You don't steal from people in a moment of madness or jealousy and then go back over a period of days and do it again.

They are low and deserve everything they got.

RibenaMonsoon · 18/07/2017 15:59

I was in the same position as you. I didnt contact the police. Just had it out with her. I gave her so many chances to change and she kept going back to her old ways . It wasn't untill she took a loan out in a mutual friends name that we actually got the law involved. I wish we had done it sooner.

These "friends" wouldnt have changed i dont think. You did the right thing.

RiversrunWoodville · 18/07/2017 16:00

I don't remember the other thread but I don't see how you can be blamed for ruining their lives. They stole from you, they bullied you and they paid the consequences. The idea of saying nothing and getting your money back or even double just seems really odd to me, so I don't think you did anything wrong and it's them who screwed up their chosen career

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/07/2017 16:14

"They will never work with vulnerable people again though."
Nor should they ever be allowed to do so! They are fine with repeatedly stealing from someone as a way of getting back at them. They lack the necessary integrity to work with the vulnerable.

What they did was not a moment of madness - they stole repeatedly, over several days. They did not steal for financial gain or due to extreme hardship, but as a way of sneering at tanglewreck. So not only do they lack integrity, but they are spiteful and, IMO, the types who egg each other on to behave ever-worse than before.

They may feel that you 'ruined their lives', but you can feel that you saved their future professional clients from being in danger of having their lives ruined (e.g. should one of them decide their client was not respectful enough and needed to be taught a lesson).

kazillionaire · 18/07/2017 16:17

They should have kept their sticky little fingers to themselves then shouldn't they?

user1496484020 · 18/07/2017 16:22

I can't stand liars or thieves. My life has been turned upside down in the past due to theft. Therefore, I'm only sorry that they didn't actually serve time.

rascallyrascal · 18/07/2017 16:25

Thank god they won't work in their chosen profession. They are thieves. Of they stole from a friend then they would steel from the vulnerable. They only have themselves to blame. You did the right thing.

paxillin · 18/07/2017 16:29

Better the thief's life is ruined than that of her future potentially vulnerable victims.

BMW6 · 18/07/2017 16:29

They are thieving cunts and anyone who defends their thieving is trash.

OP tell the mutual "friend" to get lost. She is no friend at all and has a piss poor moral compass.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 18/07/2017 16:33

OP, those people who are taking their side should not be allowed space in your life. My response to them would have been a snort of laughter followed by "yea right......you wouldn't be saying that if it was YOUR money being stolen by so-called FRIENDS"

These two bullies deliberately made return trips to steal because they wanted to provoke you further and get a reaction - you obviously were not giving them the reaction they wanted to their other bullying tactics.

If you had not taken it via the legal route, they would have concocted some story about you owing/lending them money and then being a bitch about it. Instead of YOU being vilified - it's THEM.....AND with PROOF!
We all know how much bullies hate being hoist by their own petard.

I'm glad they will never be able to work with vulnerable people.....they'd be stealing from the defenceless.

I once dumped a whole group of so-called mates for similar disloyality. I can't be friends with people who think it's ok for others to treat me like shit.

Isetan · 18/07/2017 16:35

They expected you to lie to the Police to cover for them stealing from you, yeah you need better friends.

Summerswallow · 18/07/2017 16:36

I disagree with everyone here, I don't believe everyone's path in life is set in stone. I know someone who was convicted for fraud (not dissimilar to the OP's situation) , put it behind them and now works in a very 'worthy' area of research, the conviction is spent and is not relevant to their life twenty years later.

They won't be on min wage jobs their whole life at all, if they have something about them.

It would be strange if the OP stayed friends with these people, presumably you would move on. But move on knowing they were punished then, and do carry that with them in the form of their record, not smugly knowing their lives were ruined- sorry, they may not be and they may yet have something useful to contribute to society.

mummytime · 18/07/2017 16:36

OP YANBU - and thank you on behalf of any vulnerable people they may have worked with in the future. If they can steal from you - then what is to stop them stealing from someone in the future or faking evidence to cover up a mistake or...
Flowers

mummytime · 18/07/2017 16:38

@Summerswallow - they could become productive members of society - but a first step would be to acknowledge they were in the wrong and the consequences for their actions lie with their decisions not the OP. Which doesn't seem likely at present.

ChasingHighs · 18/07/2017 16:41

Have you posted this thread before?

Summerswallow · 18/07/2017 16:44

The OP says she cut them off and blocked them and never spoke to them again, so how does she know how sorry they are, privately, or what their plans are for the future. I very much doubt people on a top law training contract would go and work in a fast food outlet and hang their heads in shame ad infinitum, however much the OP wishes it were so! Any mutual friends obviously weren't friends either.

This is a modern morality tale, but it's rarely as simple as the OP would like, which is what she is moaning about- people still like others who have 'done wrong', people don't always get their come-uppance but might do just fine, this isn't a novel.

FrancisCrawford · 18/07/2017 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeannePerrins · 18/07/2017 16:53

"I've read this before" is the new "cancel the cheque".

GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/07/2017 16:54

Enhanced DBS disclosures can sometimes be overlooked, so they are full of shut anyway.

We will do in my profession - we very much believe in giving second chances.

GirlOnATrainToShite · 18/07/2017 16:55

*shit

andintothefire · 18/07/2017 17:43

You were not at all unreasonable. However, I do have some sympathy for people who commit a crime at a young age and have their lives ruined because of it. Certain crimes should disqualify people from ever working in particular professions, but I think that most non-violent criminals deserve a second chance after a certain amount of time (or at least not to completely disqualify somebody as a blanket restriction from a career that they see as a vocation). Maybe 5 years? 10 years? I am not sure.

But while they might feel some justifiable resentment at a system that condemns them for life for an act they committed while a teenager or young adult, you are absolutely not part of that and did nothing wrong.