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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have 'ruined' my best friends life

374 replies

tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:34

My two best friends stole my debit card and withdrew money from my card over several days. They were both training in prestigious professional careers.

As soon as I noticed my card gone I contacted the police and when cctv came back I identified my two 'best friends'.

The police arrested them, they admitted guilt due to overwhelming evidence and were found guilty. They were given a suspended sentence but were unable to qualify in their chosen professions as the uni chucked them out and they will never ever work in their chosen profession. Their crimes are 'spent' now but as they got a suspended custodial sentence of two years their criminal record will stay on an enhanced dbs check for the rest of their life. They have lost their chance to work in their dreams jobs and now work in minimum wage menial jobs and will do for the rest of their life, unless they can somehow run their own business of work their way up the career ladder. They will never work with vulnerable people again though.

They have both consistently felt I should have got mad at them, asked for the money back and more but not have gone to the police and ruined their lives. A few people have said since they hadn't committed a crime before, that they'd been good friends previously and had been jealous and stolen the card as a moment of madness. I should have just got double the money back or made an agreement for how much to give back and forget they exists. That it was mean to have gone to the police and showed a lack of compassion, giving them a criminal record for life. They were shocked that I never even discussed anything with them. I'm a very calm person. I don't do angry. I reacted in a calm and collected way. Blocking their numbers and never ever even speaking to them again but I have been shocked that all our mutual friends took their side, thinking what I did was mean.

AIBU to think if you don't want your life ruined and any chance of a career in your dream job destroyed, you shouldn't steal off someone who considered you a friend and you have only yourself to blame?! I feel not an ounce of guilt and never ever will. If you don't want a criminal record. Don't commit a crime. Simple isn't it. AIBU?

OP posts:
RiverTam · 18/07/2017 10:43

Of course you went to the police, because when your cards are stolen the last people you suspect are you so-called friends.

They've fucked up their own lives, pure and simple.

I would get yourself some new friends, tbh. Neither these two, nor those siding with them, are worth a damn.

Tapandgo · 18/07/2017 10:43

These people needed stopping - their characters are deficient. Amazing arrogance to blame you for the just desserts they brought on themselves. They would be better occupied being ashamed, apologetic and doing something amazing to prove they are no longer the greedy, grasping, dishonest and shameless people they have proven themselves to be.
Amazing they think the victim of theft is to blame for the offenders fate!

CadleCrap · 18/07/2017 10:43

You didn't know they had stolen your card, even if they thought it was a "joke", which is probably what they have told your mutual friends, because there not actual criminals you know, it was only a prank.

You did nothing wrong.

Out of curiosity, were you given the choice whether to have them prosecuted?

ZanyMobster · 18/07/2017 10:43

Hiphop - I have also seen this thread from the 'friends' point of view.

Only difference is that the person who was stolen from told the friends that they had been stolen from and neither admitted it and knew they were going to the police.

TruJay · 18/07/2017 10:43

Wow!! Just wow! You are definitely not being unreasonable and certainly do not need your 'best friends' or any of those mutual 'friends' either.
And they were training to work with vulnerable people?? What a great opportunity to steal even more from others eh??
Blimey, keep your head held high op, you are not and will not ever be in the wrong

LadyCassandra · 18/07/2017 10:43

I definitely read this from the other side. And I think it was unanimously decided that it was their own fault, and they shouldn't have been so stupid. They were teacher training?
I'm sorry your mutual friends are not supporting you.

ThinkFastNotSlow · 18/07/2017 10:44

How were you to know that it was these "friends" who had stolen your card, if you didn't go to the police?

YANBU and they have deprived themselves of a promising career. Their moral compass is askew and maybe they (the vulnerable people) are lucky to not have these friends working with them.

Whichwayyisup · 18/07/2017 10:44

Fucking hell! Your so called friends steal from you and YOU'RE the mean one?! Shock

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/07/2017 10:44

No you did the right thing. I doubt your mutual friends would be so sympathetic if they were the ones being robbed.

liquidrevolution · 18/07/2017 10:45

I have been rock bottom. Homeless, hungry, lost.

I never stole.

They are clearly lacking a moral compass and are therefore unsuitable for the careers they had chosen. Get new friends as your current ones are clearly idiots if they think stealing from you is excusable.

ZanyMobster · 18/07/2017 10:45

Ah yes that's it, teacher training. No one agreed with them OP. They got what they deserved.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 18/07/2017 10:46

I'm so certain I've read this before 🤔

Either way, YANBU. Why should you have helped them out when they didn't care about you while stealing your money?

XJerseyGirlX · 18/07/2017 10:46

I think your only being unreasonable for referring to them as your "best friends"

I also would have a think if the people saying you did wrong identifying them are worth being friends with also

Find yourself some new friends OP x

Defuzzing · 18/07/2017 10:46

I've read this on here before but from one of the friend'save points of view. I think she wanted to be a Teacher/work with children and she couldn't find a job. It was also in AIBU....Strange Confused

Gatehouse77 · 18/07/2017 10:46

They got their comeuppance due to THEIR actions and that alone. They screwed up their future careers not you. I'd be inclined to drop any friends that consider your reaction unreasonable.

teaandtoast · 18/07/2017 10:47

Surely there are a lot of non-minimum wage jobs that don't require an enhanced dbs check?

Sophie1938393 · 18/07/2017 10:47

Actually, going to disagree here.

Once you realised it was them you should have asked them to give you the amount back plus double and ended all contact.

They only commited one crime. Not several crimes against you. By going to the police you knew you would give them a criminal record and ruin any chance of them getting a job in their chosen career. That is cruel and two wrongs don't make a right.

I couldn't have done that to anyone unless they had persistently commited a crime against me. By going to th police they have been punished extremely harshly for one crime.

If any of my friends did this I'd have got the money back, then told them to do one. I'd not have chosen to persecute though. That's lacking in any compassion.

flumpybear · 18/07/2017 10:47

I've read this before - what they did was wrong - what possible
Reason would anyone want to steal a friends money?! Terrible friends

DJBaggySmalls · 18/07/2017 10:48

YANBU. And the only people who would excuse their behaviour are people who would do it themselves.

Nickname0 · 18/07/2017 10:48

YANBU, op I would ditch the mutual friends too. They obviously have no morals to side with thieves and as for their careers that's their problem! As my granny always said you can watch a liar but you can never watch a thief.

FairNotFair · 18/07/2017 10:49

They ruined their own lives. YANBU

Summerswallow · 18/07/2017 10:49

This is very similar to a story told by one of the perpetrators about six months or more ago on the site, perhaps this is a way of putting the other side of the story? The things that were similar was the CCTV and them wanting to work in jobs which required enhanced DBS. The person got a good MN kicking, it wasn't edifying, tbh.

I don't understand why you are still in contact with any of these people, clearly they weren't your friends!

worridmum · 18/07/2017 10:49

I have a saying for people like that

If you can't do the time dont do the crime rinse and repeat

and tbh you are better off without people plying guilt trips on you for doing the right thing you needed to report it to get your money back as you cannot rely on them giving it to you can you after they stole and broke your trust in the first place

Original poster
tanglewreck · 18/07/2017 10:50

Ah, they weren't training to be teachers.

Not the same people then.

Worryingly, their chosen careers were much higher paid than a teacher.

OP posts:
Isetan · 18/07/2017 10:50

Some people will always blame others for the consequences of their behaviour, your mutual 'friends', aren't on the same moral plain as you and I personally couldn't be asked to bother with them either.

As I told my Ex's mother, when I shut down talk about me withdrawing my statement about her son assaulting me, victim blaming isn't a position that endears you to me and if you want to have a relationship with me and therefore your granddaughter, you shouldn't go there.

If you can't do the time, then don't do the crime.