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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at having to ask for extra money?

270 replies

PoisonousSmurf · 15/07/2017 12:20

...Otherwise I'd have to use my savings to get the food shopping (again).
I work part time as a cleaner and gardener and earn around £400 a month. My husband pays in £1,000 into my account (we don't have a joint account).
With that I'm expected to pay for all the kids clothes, clubs, school trips, food shopping and pay for my own car tax, fuel and insurance and the electric bill.
So of course by mid month I'm going into my overdraft.
I've not had to ask for extra for months, but he grilled me about WHY?! I'm his wife FFS!
I don't buy new clothes, not had new shoes for ages and I'm not into fashions. Jeans and T-shirt are all I can afford.
In the meantime he has over £10,000 balance on his current account.
He has always been mean with money, but as the kids get older he seems to be worse.
I really don't think I'll be staying with him once the kids are in work and have their own places.
Might as well live alone and on benefits, feels like I'm doing that already.
Do any of you have husbands like this? Mean with money?

OP posts:
Saiman · 15/07/2017 13:26

So many people here seem motivated in their responses by the fact that the OP has access to more income than they do ...

The OP does have access to more income than i do. So not all people who want to know more, or not going to immeadiately condemn the husband, are motivated by that. Why would you assume they are?

WatchingFromTheWings · 15/07/2017 13:27

he will be jointly responsible for her debts anyway as they are married.

Sorry, but this is bollox, personal debit is personal. Your partner married or otherwise, is not responsible for personal debit. If people are going to chuck out advice make sure it's correct.

I learnt the hard way that this is infact true. My ExH ran up thousands without my knowledge. I had no access to the credit cards he used. It's marital debt and I was advised by my solicitor I was equally responsible for it. When I left him I had to forfeit a large chunk of my share of the house to cover 'my' share of these debts.

The only way around it was if I could have proven that all the debt was spent only on him. Which I couldn't do.

KarmaNoMore · 15/07/2017 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BrieAndChilli · 15/07/2017 13:28

I think you need to give us lasts months money- what did you spend etc so we can see if YABU or not

For me if I was in your circumstance

£100 electric bill
£200 petrol
£30 insurance
£25 car tax
£30 mot/service etc

£400 food
£25 birthday cards /presents
£50 cleaning /laundry/odds and sods
£50 school trips/school related stuff
£100 clothes for me and 3 kids

So £1010 leaving £390 for days out, and other bits and pieces (which I would LOVE to have !

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/07/2017 13:30

The OP does have access to more income than i do. So not all people who want to know more, or not going to immeadiately condemn the husband, are motivated by that. Why would you assume they are

because a fair few of them admit it!

Naicehamshop · 15/07/2017 13:31

We need more information here, op, before we can really help with this, but for me the fact that he controls your access to money would be a deal breaker.

You need to sit down with him and discuss properly how much you are spending, what exactly it goes on, how much you think you need etc. It all sounds pretty horrible - you need to focus on sorting it out.

Fluffyears · 15/07/2017 13:32

We live on £1600 to pay everything including bills and mortgage.

Saiman · 15/07/2017 13:33

But not all or even most have said that. People have said its a lot. Which it is.

Tbh thr fact that the op has only been vack once and barely clarified anything suggests she knows why this situation exists and that she is pissing money up the wall. Or its made up.

neveradullmoment99 · 15/07/2017 13:35

Its plenty.

KarmaNoMore · 15/07/2017 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/07/2017 13:39

How about the OP and her DP both pocket the equivalent of her salary for personal savings then? And the rest is negotiated for all household expenses? And left over is jointly shared for personal use? Sounds fair to me. And if DP don't like it they can negotiate that the chores that it seems that the OP does are farmed out to paid help, from the joint pool, freeing her up to earn more.

turbohamster · 15/07/2017 13:41

There's not a correct way to arrange finances in a couple, different things work for different people.

Without all the facts it's impossible to say whether something is fair or reasonable.

If my OH told you that all our household bills are split 50:50 despite my earning more than 4 times his salary you might think that was a little unfair unless he provided the additional detail, i.e. my additional income also pays for all household improvements/holidays/cars/meals out etc. The amount of personal spending we have each month is fairly even.

Mouikey · 15/07/2017 13:41

If your living beyond your means, maybe stop putting the child benefit directly into the kids savings. The money saving expert explains that their locked in savings won't help if you are in financial difficulties.

I can only assume you live in a huge house (for a big electricity bill), have lots of children or a very large car payment every month if you are getting through over £1400 every 2 weeks. Your savings also won't be lasting long...

I don't agree with these allowances (and I'm the higher wage earner in our home). We have joint accounts including a bills account which takes care of all the dd each month.

There is a big backstory with this op I think and I wonder whether they will be back to enlighten us

Berylliuum · 15/07/2017 13:45

My sports/clubs (inc squad level and hours!) cost nearly £400 a month. You said some of your spend includes clubs etc, but I don't understand where the rest is going even if you had club costs as high as mine. Can you help us understand a little better?

user1476869312 · 15/07/2017 13:46

If there are several kids, all of secondary school age, then OP will be spending more than if she's just got a couple of toddlers (teens eat LOADS, have more activities which cost more, and often need more clothes because they persist in outgrowing whatever you've just bought them).
Also, the H may demand expensive food and/or insist that the children take part in costly activities and have expensive clothes as a reflection of his status.
There are some men who are tight with the housekeeping money yet piss and moan if there isn't fillet steak, asparagus and fine wine every night.

Berylliuum · 15/07/2017 13:47

I'm not saying you're wrong, OP. but we simply don't have enough information.

Lucysky2017 · 15/07/2017 13:48

Worlk full time. Earn more. I earned 10x my children's father. Not surprisingly I never needed to ask for money. As with most things equality and fairness and women working full time is often the key to happiness in life even though it may seem harder work in the short term,

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 15/07/2017 13:50

I don't think he's mean in any shape or form. He pays most of the bills, gives you £1000 a month, you get to keep your own wage luxury of working part time. What more do you want?

I'd not let you have access to my money either if you blow so much money so quickly. Children don't need new clothes or school trips every month.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/07/2017 13:53

Worlk full time. Earn more. I earned 10x my children's father. Not surprisingly I never needed to ask for money. As with most things equality and fairness and women working full time is often the key to happiness in life even though it may seem harder work in the short term

But what did he pay for? or was his money his?

He pays most of the bills, gives you £1000 a month, you get to keep your own wage luxury of working part time. What more do you want

Maybe a situation where he does not pocket copious savings for his own personal use?

missiondecision · 15/07/2017 13:54

He sounds like Scrooge. Its serously mean to hoard money if you actually need it for something, but, define need.
I'm known as the woman who lives in a shoe and I buy nice things for all my many children, the do clubs and activities, driving lessons and eating a lot. I cannot work out why you spend £1400 on.
That said we share all money, otherwise it's a power imbalance I couldn't live with.
Budget better and talk to your dh about why he is so miserly.
Are you wasteful with money?
Is he worried about the future?
Talk to him.

KarmaNoMore · 15/07/2017 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Naicehamshop · 15/07/2017 13:55

They are married, for fucks sake Rainbows! She not an employee to be given a "salary" and controlled and criticised. And no one knows exactly what her expenses are so we can't assume that she is pissing the money away.

It's like being back in the 1950s sometimes on these boards. Angry

drinkingtea · 15/07/2017 13:56

If one partner has £5000 free and clear after tax and bills for himself alone, and no food to buy, and the other has £1400 for everything their mutual children need, and buys the food for the other partner out of the smaller share, with whatever is left after that for herself, it is an issue.

VelvetSpoon · 15/07/2017 13:56

I'm guessing the OP is like my bfs Ex who spent £250 a week on food shopping (2 adults, 2 small DC - yet never bought anything for his lunches so he had to buy that out of his own money..) and £100s a month on toys and clothes for kids. Which she gave away or chucked when outgrown even if unworn/ unused. There was never any money in their joint account for home improvements etc because she'd spend £1400-1500 a month on nothing.

Some people just spend every penny they have. J suspect if the OP had £2k a month she'd spend that and more too.

TheAntiBoop · 15/07/2017 13:57

How do you know he keeps the savings for himself? The money he keeps is joint savings and would probably cover emergency spends etc etc

It's not unusual to budget in this way but what is unusual is that the op doesn't seem to want to sit down and discuss with him what she needs to meet those costs.

Dh and I go through all our expenses to ensure we have enough but we also make sure we stick to a budget. If I needed more for the bits I take responsibility for it would involve a discussion as to why.

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