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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at having to ask for extra money?

270 replies

PoisonousSmurf · 15/07/2017 12:20

...Otherwise I'd have to use my savings to get the food shopping (again).
I work part time as a cleaner and gardener and earn around £400 a month. My husband pays in £1,000 into my account (we don't have a joint account).
With that I'm expected to pay for all the kids clothes, clubs, school trips, food shopping and pay for my own car tax, fuel and insurance and the electric bill.
So of course by mid month I'm going into my overdraft.
I've not had to ask for extra for months, but he grilled me about WHY?! I'm his wife FFS!
I don't buy new clothes, not had new shoes for ages and I'm not into fashions. Jeans and T-shirt are all I can afford.
In the meantime he has over £10,000 balance on his current account.
He has always been mean with money, but as the kids get older he seems to be worse.
I really don't think I'll be staying with him once the kids are in work and have their own places.
Might as well live alone and on benefits, feels like I'm doing that already.
Do any of you have husbands like this? Mean with money?

OP posts:
flownthecoopkiwi · 17/07/2017 09:15

I have about £1500 a month for some bills and food and children's things, and struggle. So I feel your pain! I also hate asking for money from husband if I'm short. Perhaps give him a breakdown of the expenses and move some to him to cover?
My 'expenses' tend to cover quite a lot of random shopping for me so any shortfall is my fault unfortunately!

differentnameforthis · 17/07/2017 10:28

Does it matter how much op has per month to live on? We know nothing of the amount she has to pay out to schools/bills/food etc.

The fact is, is that her dh is financially abusing her, why go instantly to how much she needs? She says it isn't enough, and only the op knows her outgoings.

Lucysky2017 · 17/07/2017 11:41

That is one reason I said best to earn your own money so that way men cannot cause problems like this. When you earn quite a bit more than a man even if he is mean or does not pay half of everything you can still manage fine. That does not mean I think it is fine if a man doesn't pay half the mortgage and half the childcare costs etc.

RedSkyAtNight · 17/07/2017 13:00

The fact is, is that her dh is financially abusing her, why go instantly to how much she needs?

I don't think we can say this without knowing how much he earns and on what he spends the money he has left.

If he has £1000 left after giving the OP her allowance of which £950 goes on mortgage/council tax/water/TV licence/running his own car.
And he then diligently saves £30 a month (which becomes 10K after 3 years), leaving just £20 to spend on himself .... do you still think he's financially abusive?

EBearhug · 17/07/2017 13:26

diligently saves £30 a month (which becomes 10K after 3 years)

No it doesn't! £30 a month is £360 a year, which is £1080 over 3 years, plus about £1.23 in interest at current rates, if you're lucky...

Saiman · 17/07/2017 13:41

The fact is, is that her dh is financially abusing her, why go instantly to how much she needs?

Where is that proof? Brcause he has morr savings. Are you saying there is noway hr maybe a saver and her spender?

No possible way its been worked out that both would be left with the same amount of spends each month, but he has saved more.

The OP has spent £1400 in 2 weeks. Hoe can you possibly know that the dh has more money? Or that it is dont that eay because she fritters away the families money when she has access to it.

You can not say he is abusing her for a fact. Thats the point. No one knows anything for a fact.

thisgirlrides · 17/07/2017 13:54

I earn a pittance so £1,400 for 'spends' sounds loads, HOWEVER, I also live in a wealthy part of the world and know plenty of families where kids do multiple activities that would easily total £250/300 per child a month and if they're at private school there will be more/higher regular expenses.

Unless there is some back history of debt or overspending by the op, the problem isn't how much she spends but the fact that her husband is being tight and controlling with money.

Imbeingunreasonable · 17/07/2017 15:44

Sorry if someone has already mentioned this but I haven't rtft. The overdraft that the OP seems to be permanently accumulating charges on it if OP has to go into it every month.

The first solution would be to clear it completely. Whether that be asking DH for money to do so or OP clearing it herself - whatever is financial viable and makes the most sense. That way OP will not have bank charges every month.

That should 'free up' £450 per month for the OP so she needn't go into her OD every month. Unless I've missed something....

Second of all if OP's job only generates an income of £400 per month and she is spending half of that money on fuel, it may be worth a) working closer to home, b) trying to get more work (again closer to home would be advantageous or c) getting a job that pays more.

Either way OP and her DH should be helping each other with the finances and not burdening the other with responsibility or debt. It should be jointly dealt with.

Mollieben · 17/07/2017 16:15

My friend has a similar system to you op -she has to ask for money. I don't understand it tbh. My dh gets paid monthly - his money pays the mortgage and all the bills. I get paid weekly - my money is what we live on so food, petrol and childcare. Anything left, we split equally to spend on what we like! Dh has just had a considerable pay rise - we will be paying the extra into joint savings. We are a family and we share all the money equally.

MaisyPops · 17/07/2017 17:21

The fact is, is that her dh is financially abusing her, why go instantly to how much she needs?
The fact is there is ZERO evidence he is financially abusing her.

He covers all the bills and transfers her almost a grand and a half to spend each month. She's going through it in 2-3 weeks!

I certainly wouldn't be propping a partner up like that and I wouldn't be letting a partner with those spending habits loose on a joint account.

She could be given £2000 a month and happily get used to spending that and still be asking for more. People who don't budget will spend whatever they have access to.

differentnameforthis · 18/07/2017 11:52

The dh has 10k in his CURRENT account.
He gives her a menial amount (for their expenses) per month, to cover most everything for her and the kids, plus all car expenses, groceries, bills and GRILLS her when she asks for more.
He has always been mean with money, and is getting worse.

It's all there in the OP.

Sallystyle · 18/07/2017 12:17

I spent years being with a man who gave me an allowance. It was proper shit. I got hardly any while he had plenty to spend on himself.

I could never be in a marriage again where I got an allowance. I am not a child and I expect money to be joint money.

I don't care what OP gets and how it is more than what most people get, her husband is sitting on £10,000 while she is struggling. That is shitty. I would never see my husband short of money when I have a lot. If overspending was an issue I would try and tackle that. Not give him an allowance.

If the OP comes back and tells us that she has a serious problem with money and nothing else worked to help her curb her spending and getting herself into debt I might feel differently. I don't get the impression that is what is happening though.

Sallystyle · 18/07/2017 12:18

The dh has 10k in his CURRENT account.
He gives her a menial amount (for their expenses) per month, to cover most everything for her and the kids, plus all car expenses, groceries, bills and GRILLS her when she asks for more.
He has always been mean with money, and is getting worse.

This!

Biker47 · 18/07/2017 12:21

£1400, menial, lol, ok.

The fact that he OP has never returned, means there is no indication of what her expenses actually entail, just a brief description of what they could be, with no actual figures.

My car costs me about £600 a month at the moment, what is the OP's? £100? £200? no-one knows.

RedSkyAtNight · 18/07/2017 12:21

OP and her DH need to sit down and write out a budget which includes

  • incomings and
  • outgoings

This will give both of them an idea about how much is available and whether they have money sitting about or need to cut back.

DH and I have the "equal money for spends approach". DH would like more money for spends (we don't have it). I have 10K in a savings account. Based on this thread, this makes me financially abusive Hmm

RubaDubMum89 · 18/07/2017 12:25

I wish OP would come back, after following this thread from the beginning I feel like I need closure to be able to move on....

Saiman · 18/07/2017 12:58

The OP could have £500 spare per minth and her dh far less. He could just have saved while she has been treating herself.

If the OP comes back and tells us that she has a serious problem with money and nothing else worked to help her curb her spending and getting herself into debt I might feel differently.

So your assumption is thay she is being abused? No one knows so no one can say 'this must be happening'.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/07/2017 13:41

Without a full breakdown of income and expenses for both the DH and the OP its really hard to know who is being unreasonable.

It maybe that once the DH has covered the Rent/Mortgage, Council tax, water, gas, his own car (assuming he has one) and given the OP £1400 he doesn't have a huge amount of spare cash. We don't know how long it took him to save the £10K. If its is 4 months then he may be being unreasonable but if it took 4 years then he may not be.

poppp · 18/07/2017 14:13

Regardless of how much you're spending I just find it bizarre that some couples have kids and don't share money. My friend was fuming when she found out her DH was bringing in about 4.5k a month after tax on top of the huge chunk of money his Dad gave him and he would not share a penny with her even when she was on stat maternity pay, having his child that they decided together to have.. so odd! IMO it's part of being in a committed relationship and really it's just greed to keep it from one another.

Namesarehard · 18/07/2017 14:21

I've admittedly only read the first page so I may be missing something. How is giving someone £1000 financial abuse? I'd be pissed off too. So what if he has loads of money in his account. £1000 a month isn't being tight at all.

Namesarehard · 18/07/2017 14:22

I'd be pissed off if i was him I mean. £1000 is plenty of money without the main bills. How I'd like to have that after our are paid. We don't have much more than that coming in in total.

Lunar1 · 18/07/2017 14:24

Our finances are joint, but if DH spent money the way you do he'd be getting an allowance too! That's £700 per week, £100 per day.

Lunar1 · 18/07/2017 14:25

Unless of yourself your electricity supplies a medium sized theme park in the garden.

differentnameforthis · 19/07/2017 04:28

£1400, menial, lol, ok. Oh fuck off with the "lol" shit..

That can be a menial amount if your living expenses run past it in a bug way, as it sounds ops does.

differentnameforthis · 19/07/2017 04:35

DH and I have the "equal money for spends approach". DH would like more money for spends (we don't have it). I have 10K in a savings account. Based on this thread, this makes me financially abusive

Erm...no. If you don't have it, you don't have it. If you have that large an amount in savings you are obviously heading towards a goal for it's use, withholding it doesn't make you abusive.

If you had it in your current account and didn't use it for anything, then refusing your dh something he needs (rather than wants) wound make you abusive.

He could just have saved while she has been treating herself. Not being able to buy herself new clothes does not sound like "treating herself"

It doesn't matter what op's expenses are, or how much her car costs what matters is, is that she is struggling on this amount and needs more in order to run her home & keep her family fed etc. Her husband is denying her that.

I've admittedly only read the first page so I may be missing something. How is giving someone £1000 financial abuse? Read the rest and you will see. Don't ask questions that have been answered, just because you can't be bothered to RTFT