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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at having to ask for extra money?

270 replies

PoisonousSmurf · 15/07/2017 12:20

...Otherwise I'd have to use my savings to get the food shopping (again).
I work part time as a cleaner and gardener and earn around £400 a month. My husband pays in £1,000 into my account (we don't have a joint account).
With that I'm expected to pay for all the kids clothes, clubs, school trips, food shopping and pay for my own car tax, fuel and insurance and the electric bill.
So of course by mid month I'm going into my overdraft.
I've not had to ask for extra for months, but he grilled me about WHY?! I'm his wife FFS!
I don't buy new clothes, not had new shoes for ages and I'm not into fashions. Jeans and T-shirt are all I can afford.
In the meantime he has over £10,000 balance on his current account.
He has always been mean with money, but as the kids get older he seems to be worse.
I really don't think I'll be staying with him once the kids are in work and have their own places.
Might as well live alone and on benefits, feels like I'm doing that already.
Do any of you have husbands like this? Mean with money?

OP posts:
outback · 15/07/2017 13:10

I don't think you need to necessarily have joint accounts to share your money. DH and I have a similar arrangement to OP and it works for us, although DH can check my account balance and top it up without me asking, so I never have to ask for money. He pays all the bills and most fixed costs. I don't see it as an allowance as it's just individual access to the joint finances, and it's not limited to a set amount per month. Whether the amount in the OP is enough depends on the household needs and income. I spend less than OP most months, but we have low outgoings as a small family and don't have to pay any commuting/travel costs. We can comfortably afford clothes, food, leisure activities etc. I do wonder if the OP isn't being tax efficient with her work expenses as there is quite a lot you can claim for.

Saiman · 15/07/2017 13:10

Of course, he could take over the work of buying clothes, insurance, etc., but instead he leaves this to the OP and then patrols her spending ....

Yes, he could take over everything and work full time and the OP would have access to no money at all. Maybe he could go fill her car up for her as well. How would that be better?

As i said, we dont know what has lead to this, so cant say definitively either way.

PurpleWithRed · 15/07/2017 13:11

It doesn't matter how much money she has, it's the fact he doesn't share equally and the kids and household expenses are seen as her financial responsibility not his. There's a bit in the marriage vows that says 'all that I have I share with you'. He's breaking that bit.

OP - does he have any idea this is breaking his marriage up?

NicolasFlamel · 15/07/2017 13:12

That's a lot of money. I would want to know where it had all gone as well if I was him.
The allowance thing is a bit 50's but perhaps he has good reason for being a bit right?

NicolasFlamel · 15/07/2017 13:12

*tight

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/07/2017 13:12

Yes, he could take over everything and work full time and the OP would have access to no money at all

She has her own income ... maybe she'd actually get to spend it on herself?

EmmaJR1 · 15/07/2017 13:14

A lot of people are making ssinf the point! 50/50 is how it should be!

If one person has a 10k balance and one person is scrimping (regardless of what this means to the individual) it's not a fair partnership!

EmmaJR1 · 15/07/2017 13:15

missing the point

Sausage fingers - sorry!

GinAndGooseberry · 15/07/2017 13:15

Buy less for the children. Clear your overdraft and start saving if possible.

My x was so mean. It'd bring a tear to a glass eye.

But he used to reprimand me for spending money on groceries but then he'd open the fridge and expect to see everything he might possibly want in there. So there was a tightrope. I did try to explain it to him but he didn't want to hear it. He wanted everything, the best of everything, and for a bargain.

Moreisnnogedag · 15/07/2017 13:16

£730 is a lot unless there's a gaggle of kids with a whole bunch of classes each. That £450 is a one off surely and doesn't count if its a consistent amount each month (you're still spending 1400 each month regardless of whether its in the overdraft or not).

So in reality its £1180 with insurance being what £30 and even putting aside £50 a month for MOT and service that leaves £1100, which is more than most. If that's only lasting a couple of weeks I wouldn't risk my husband having access to the joint account.

Saiman · 15/07/2017 13:16

But she wouldnt havr her own income. Because everything would be going into the magic joint pot that everyone goes on about.

That would be the opposite. He organises everything and she gives to money to him to pay a portion.

Again thr point is that the OP is nit being forthcoming. So people cant say what the issue is, why it came about or what should be done.

PoorYorick · 15/07/2017 13:17

Mean with money, mean with love.

ChrisPrattsFace · 15/07/2017 13:17

I can't believe you struggle with that amount of Money! The fact you get an allowance is another thing...
I think it would be worth writing everything down, look where you are spending the money and where it could be saved.
For so many of us, me included - you have more than enough to manage each month.
(Unless we're missing some important information!)

Zaphodsotherhead · 15/07/2017 13:19

But he is paying the household bills - someone is paying the mortgage, council tax etc. OP is paying the electricity bill (presumably she's home more and therefore can better keep an eye on it) food and the kids' expenses. He's paying everything else, household repairs, maintenance etc.

Unless you've got 10 kids, OP, you should be able to manage on less. OK money will go out in lumps (uniform in September, etc) but you should be able to save/budget for those and school trips.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 15/07/2017 13:20

he will be jointly responsible for her debts anyway as they are married.

Sorry, but this is bollox, personal debit is personal. Your partner married or otherwise, is not responsible for personal debit. If people are going to chuck out advice make sure it's correct.

BallOrAerosol · 15/07/2017 13:21

Why are you not both pooling your finances? Like normal couples? This 'my money, your money' mentality makes me cringe, especially when the couple are married.

We are a 'normal couple' and we don't have pooled finances. You can cringe all you like but it works for us. Just because you do things differently does not make your way the right way.

SparklyMagpie · 15/07/2017 13:21

Bloody hell!! What i could do with £1400 a month for me and my son Sad

OhhBetty · 15/07/2017 13:21

We don't know why you have an allowance from him. Is there a good reason? If you don't like it and he won't change it then leave him.
Do let us all know how you get on with benefits, you'll be practically rolling in it I'm sure.
Fwiw including tax credits and my wages I get 1000 a month. I have one child. This pays for rent, bills, food, clothes, petrol, insurance, you name it.

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/07/2017 13:23

I think £730 is a lot for clothes food and car costs which should be going against her business.

Food £100 per week,
Clothes for a couple of weeks you don't need to spend anything
Car costs £100 per month which would be for car repairs insurance and tax

That doesn't add up to £730 for 1/2 month.

I had all the bills, mortgage, council tax, water rates, house insurance and gas bill. Children's after school activities £1000 per term, house repairs etc for only £600 more.

£1400 for what it has to cover should last more than a couple of weeks

Fairenuff · 15/07/2017 13:23

I wouldn't pool finances with someone who overspends and continually gets into debt. There would be nothing left!

astrantiamajor · 15/07/2017 13:24

Apart from any other rights and wrong can I ask why the Child Benefit goes to a savings account. Is that not for day to day living.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/07/2017 13:24

He's paying everything else, household repairs, maintenance etc*

We don't know any of this...

So many people here seem motivated in their responses by the fact that the OP has access to more income than they do ...

EssieTregowan · 15/07/2017 13:24

I get an 'allowance'.

Mainly because given free rein with the cash I spend it all. I have terrible impulse control and spending issues. So I have a set amount and when it's gone it's gone.

It's not abusive, or mean, or 1950's. It's sensible and means we get to keep the house.

HandbagCrazy · 15/07/2017 13:25

I think there are 2 separate issues here.

1 - The way you run your budget (without more detail about your costs it's hard to comment - £1400 should be plenty but if your children do music / sports lessons etc, I imagine your outgoings would be hard).

2 - Why you're being made to beg for family money. Kids costs should be covered by family income - which is both yours and your husbands.
It is completely unfair (imo) to have you shouldering the cost of children etc then humiliating you when you need more money.
If, as a family, you were struggling then I can see why he would question it but as you aren't, he is basically saving 'his money' and knowingly watching you struggle.
No matter how you split money in a relationship, that doesn't really represent a loving relationship to me.

GardenGeek · 15/07/2017 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.