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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at having to ask for extra money?

270 replies

PoisonousSmurf · 15/07/2017 12:20

...Otherwise I'd have to use my savings to get the food shopping (again).
I work part time as a cleaner and gardener and earn around £400 a month. My husband pays in £1,000 into my account (we don't have a joint account).
With that I'm expected to pay for all the kids clothes, clubs, school trips, food shopping and pay for my own car tax, fuel and insurance and the electric bill.
So of course by mid month I'm going into my overdraft.
I've not had to ask for extra for months, but he grilled me about WHY?! I'm his wife FFS!
I don't buy new clothes, not had new shoes for ages and I'm not into fashions. Jeans and T-shirt are all I can afford.
In the meantime he has over £10,000 balance on his current account.
He has always been mean with money, but as the kids get older he seems to be worse.
I really don't think I'll be staying with him once the kids are in work and have their own places.
Might as well live alone and on benefits, feels like I'm doing that already.
Do any of you have husbands like this? Mean with money?

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 15/07/2017 13:57

If it has to cover childcare (before/after school + holidays) as well then that will take a big chunk- £100 per week during school term for us + £300 per week during school holidays for full time hours. We consider this as a joint cost but not all couples do.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 15/07/2017 13:58

He has £10k in his current account but how long has it taken to save that? I doubt it's his monthly wage. If he's having the same amount to spend, but saving it, why should he then split it again?
What is his monthly wage?

Rosieposy4 · 15/07/2017 13:59

If the OP is getting child benefit then it means her DH is earning under £60000/year, after tax, ni and pension contributions that means he is bringing home under £3000 per month. Out of that he is paying all the other bills, the mortgage or rent ( assumption not mortgage free as i suspect the OP may have mentioned that) running his own car, and coughing up £1000 for food and kids clothes so allowing the OP to work part time.
I can absolutely see why there is no joint access to all the cash if she regularly blows through £1400 in 2 weeks, they do not have the income to sustain her lavish spending.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/07/2017 13:59

How do you know he keeps the savings for himself? The money he keeps is joint savings and would probably cover emergency spends etc etc

Er .. they don't have a joint account.

kmc1111 · 15/07/2017 13:59

I live a very expensive lifestyle, but even I could spend considerably less on everything you list OP. Unless you've left a massive cost out £1400 is loads.

Joint finances are an incredibly bad idea if one side of the partnership is bad with money.

£10,000 isn't much in savings if you're spending almost £2000 including the overdraft on basic living expenses. Assuming you also have rent or a mortgage to pay and your DH has his own costs, £10,000 would barely keep you going for 3-4 months if your DH couldn't work. He'd have to be insane to let you start eating into those savings.

Zampa · 15/07/2017 14:01

I'm guessing that as the OP receives child benefit, her DH is earning less than £50K.

After tax, £49,000 is £3K take home. With £1K of the DH's salary going to OP, she has £1.4K to spend, he has £2K.

OP pays for her car, groceries, electricity and children's clothes/activities. Her DH pays the mortgage/rent, council tax and other household bills (maybe gas/phone/Sky).

The above is obviously supposition and we can't comment further with knowing more details but it doesn't seem vastly unfair.

Valentine2 · 15/07/2017 14:03

Threads like these depress me to no end.
This is FAMILY money. Shout it loud to him. Or kick his lazy arse.

Xmasbaby11 · 15/07/2017 14:06

I don't think it's that much money if that covers your personal spending like social life, hobbies and presents for friends. Maybe do a breakdown of a typical month to show where the money goes?

whatdoessheknow · 15/07/2017 14:10

It makes no difference how much she spends or doesn't spend as that's all relative. The fact is, the DH should not be giving her an allowance, full stop. Unless she has serious over-spending addiction for whatever reason. But we don't know if this is the case or not, so it's impossible to comment really Confused

TheAntiBoop · 15/07/2017 14:10

Dh and I have a joint account and separate accounts. Doesn't stop the money being joint.

There's not enough infor in the op to know what the real situation is. But op and her Dh obviously don't manage the finances jointly hence the unhappiness.

Her Dh needs to have a better idea of how the finances work on a day to day basis and the op needs to have a better idea of the savings position. It's the lack of communication that seems to be the problem.

EssieTregowan · 15/07/2017 14:11

You can still claim CB over £50k, you just have to do a tax return and pay it back. We do, because I'm a SAHM, for the NI contributions.

PoppyFleur · 15/07/2017 14:13

It's impossible to provide any constructive comments without some context.

How many children?
How many clubs?
What is the monthly electricity bill ?
What is your monthly car running costs?

People can help OP but not without more details. As to whether your DH is financially abusing you, I think only you can answer that. How is your relationship generally?

Tazerface · 15/07/2017 14:15

Well it's unfair that he's racking up so much in savings and you're not, but I struggle to understand as well how that is not enough?

You have approx. £1400 coming in every single month, unless a massive proportion of that is going on car insurance and both of your kids are teens with large allowances that you cover I don't know why you are struggling.

Would it help if you listed it here? Would it help to reduce your OD by £50 a month or something?

BellyBean · 15/07/2017 14:17

Whether £1400 is reasonabl is a separate issue. Depends on family income imo. You shouldn't have to go begging for money when DH has plenty to spend on leisure.

We operate a 'pocket money' system like many. Perhaps agreeing fixed budgets for child activities, groceries etc might help?

Oriunda · 15/07/2017 14:17

Essie, I'm a SAHM and don't claim CB. I still get my NI contributions paid. You don't have to claim CB to get your contributions paid, just be entitled to CB (i.e. have a child).

OnionKnight · 15/07/2017 14:18

Well it's unfair that he's racking up so much in savings and you're not, but I struggle to understand as well how that is not enough

Not really, he might be a saver, I save my wife spends, it's not unfair that I save more than her.

Ktown · 15/07/2017 14:21

10k isn't a massive amount of savings and anyway why is it in his current account?
I spend considerably less than you on living per month (excluding school fees) so I reckon you should look at cutting back?

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/07/2017 14:28

so you earn roughly 100 a week (400 a month) yet spend £50 a week on petrol

seems a lot, you obv arent driving far for cleaning/gardening jobs and assume school local ish, so why so much on petrol?

theres no point saving cb if you need it, its to be spent on stuff for kids/family

having 1400 a month does seem a lot and should cover what you mention

memyselfandaye · 15/07/2017 14:28

So you get child benefit and tax credits x2 or 3 but don't spend them?

The answer is staring you in the face.

Nearly10to9 · 15/07/2017 14:30

couple of things:
Doesn't sound like you can afford to save the child benefit for your kids?

secondly
antimatter
of course she has to pay overdraft and any interest on it first + fuel
450+220 = 670

1400-670=730

so she has £730 to pay for car insurance + MOT + other car related costs + food + kids classes

is that a lot?
she doesnt have a bill of 450 every month for the overdraft, its not money that has to be found, its money she's overspending (for the family)

she only has to pay it off once and then its gone - which she could ask DH for ?

So of course by mid month I'm going into my overdraft.
I've not had to ask for extra for months, but he grilled me about WHY?! I'm his wife FFS!

Any reason you havent asked him to contribute more if you feel you need it? i would want to know why £1400 isnt enough, but then i would be taking more notice over money in/out in the first place - maybe you could say that to him - here you go, here's £200 a month, my contribution, you run the house on it??

Maybe you do need some help with budgeting if you cant run the house on £1,400 - also why are you paying half your wages on petrol? that seems mad - you

WyfOfBathe · 15/07/2017 14:31

Might as well live alone and on benefits, feels like I'm doing that already.
You think you're going to get £1000 a month after housing costs from benefits? Biscuit

suzy2b · 15/07/2017 14:34

if you are paying £200 a month on fuel and earn £400 i would give up work or find an job my daughters partner only brings home £1300 a month my daughter has tax credit and they manage fine

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 15/07/2017 14:37

I don't think this is about Ops OH being controling but like damage limitation.She knows how much he has in his current account so she knows how much he earns and she didn't make it sound like a secret.
If she can't manage on that amount and needs more then it is not unreasonable to want to know where the money goes as he would if it were a joint account.
Note that OP has disappeared though, hopefully she gone off to do a budget .

antimatter · 15/07/2017 14:38

I suspect OP pays for more than she listed here

If she comes back and list everything she paid for in the last 6 months there may be other things in it she forgot
meals out, kids trips, second/third uniform, birthdays, gifts for all family for Christmas

paxillin · 15/07/2017 14:41

How many kids and how old are they? 4 teenagers who play the piano and tennis or 2 primary aged kids in brownies are very different financially.