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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset at having to ask for extra money?

270 replies

PoisonousSmurf · 15/07/2017 12:20

...Otherwise I'd have to use my savings to get the food shopping (again).
I work part time as a cleaner and gardener and earn around £400 a month. My husband pays in £1,000 into my account (we don't have a joint account).
With that I'm expected to pay for all the kids clothes, clubs, school trips, food shopping and pay for my own car tax, fuel and insurance and the electric bill.
So of course by mid month I'm going into my overdraft.
I've not had to ask for extra for months, but he grilled me about WHY?! I'm his wife FFS!
I don't buy new clothes, not had new shoes for ages and I'm not into fashions. Jeans and T-shirt are all I can afford.
In the meantime he has over £10,000 balance on his current account.
He has always been mean with money, but as the kids get older he seems to be worse.
I really don't think I'll be staying with him once the kids are in work and have their own places.
Might as well live alone and on benefits, feels like I'm doing that already.
Do any of you have husbands like this? Mean with money?

OP posts:

Saiman · 19/07/2017 05:50

It doesn't matter what op's expenses are, or how much her car costs what matters is, is that she is struggling on this amount and needs more in order to run her home & keep her family fed etc. Her husband is denying her that.

What we dont know is why she is struggling. Is that her expenses are or she pisses money away.

If she pisses money away, you still think he should give up his savings? Let her burn through the 10k as well?

As i keep saying. We have no idea hoe long it took him to save the 10k. He could have exactly the same amount as Op or even less. We dont even know what the DH earns.

What has been posted that convinces you its financial abuse. We dont know. It could be. Or it could be the OP keeps risking the family finances so its all kept separate.

Chestervase1 · 19/07/2017 06:06

Sometimes it's a power thing in a relationship. I know a young stay at home mum whose mum has to buy her all her toiletries as well as items for the baby.

differentnameforthis · 19/07/2017 06:09

What has been posted that convinces you its financial abuse I listed it further up the thread....

londonrach · 19/07/2017 06:09

Thats an awful lot per month. What are you spending it on. I have half that to live on. Id write down where the money goes.

MaisyPops · 19/07/2017 06:32

If you have that large an amount in savings you are obviously heading towards a goal for it's use, withholding it doesn't make you abusive
But having that money in a current account isnt ok? I had some money in my current account because it's good to have float in case something big happens. Purely a rainy day fund. Why do savings have to have a 'goal'?

People are saying 'we don't know what her expenses are' and she clearly needs more. Need and want are different things. If I was the DH then I would want a few months of spending break down to see where the money is going and develop a budget before handing more money over.

Just because he CAN transfer more money doesn't change the fact that going through £1,400 in a couple of weeks is around £100 a day!

Traveller123 · 19/07/2017 06:40

10K in bank is about 7 months expenditure at 1400/month. Not a bad idea to have some money set aside for rainy day or in the event of losing job

Saiman · 19/07/2017 07:02

I listed it further up the thread...

Non of them are facts because we dont know any.

So no one can say 'its definitely finacial abuse', no one can say 'its not'. There is nothing to go on.

CocoaLeaves · 19/07/2017 07:09

I think it is a power thing. The OP has two precarious jobs which make a small amount and it looks like she is organising and budgeting for everything for the children on an allowance. Her DH controls the money. But if the OP cannot budget with what she has, why on earth is the DH not helping with this? The financial management, I mean. Surely that is a joint thing?

Besides, it is not 1400 she has spent in two weeks, it is just under £1000, as she is going into the overdraft half way through the month. Whilst he has 10k in the bank. Why does he not sit down with you and look at the budgets?

Whodoesthis17 · 19/07/2017 07:12

You need to list all your outgoings and see where it all goes.

Also try setting aside an amount each week for food and only use cash, that way you can't over spend on a weekly shop.

ChickenChica · 19/07/2017 07:14

I doubt op will be back

Saiman · 19/07/2017 07:15

We dont know if he has. Maybe he has done it over and over again.

We dont know if she has burnt through family money before and left them with no money to pay bills. So they agreed an allowance was the best way forward. So she still has money. But cant spend the money the family needs for the mortgage, other bills etc.

We dont know anything. We could equally just make up stuff like 'the op has got them into debt several times'.

We just dont know.

MaisyPops · 19/07/2017 07:15

Can she not do what the rest of us do when we have money and an overdraft? Cut back a little each month and work her way out of it?

I can think of a friend who spends all her money, puts things on credit card and then expects her DH to transfer her more money and pay chunks off her credit card. There are people out there who don't budget because they don't feel they should have to.

I do think we need to get past the instant response that he is financially abusive. They need to sit down and discuss budgeting from a view of 'where is the money going & how do we plan for the future'. If having done a spending tracker there's not enough money then the amount can be increased.

Biker47 · 19/07/2017 07:25

Oh fuck off with the "lol" shit..

lol

onemorecakeplease · 19/07/2017 07:33

That's an insane amount of money to get through in two weeks

Have a word with yourself and sort out your spending

I have two kids, earn £800 a month which pays for my fuel, food and any expenses/days out.

Dh pays all the bills and his own fuel.

If I need any extra money I earn it myself.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 19/07/2017 07:46

What car do you drive that it costs £50 a week to get to a part time job?

Itsnotwhatitseems · 21/07/2017 18:00

thought about this today and monitored my spending

bus/trainfare - 20
coffee and croissant at work - 4
lunch time bought a top for 9 pounds
drink - 50p
cigarettes (I know) - 9 pounds
on the way home I got, toothpaste, toothbrushes, shampoo, conditioner, soap, washing tablets, washing sponges, bleach and a pack of crumpets - 11 pounds
63 pounds spend on almost nothing...its easy to over spend

MaisyPops · 21/07/2017 18:43

Itsnotwhatitseems
Oh absolutely! It's very easy to overspend on random little things. I find I can easily go through £20 nipping to Tesco for milk after work because I throw in extras.

For me, however, the OP needs to look at how she is burning through money that quickly before complaining that almost a grand and a half isn't enough and she 'needs' more.

The solution for somebody's potentially poor budgeting isn't to keep giving them money.

Runninglife · 21/07/2017 18:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whosthemummynow · 21/07/2017 20:35

Except that doesn't add up to £63

Itsnotwhatitseems · 21/07/2017 22:01

ok...lol, but you get the picture

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