To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

And those blasting the op for being judgemental or snobby could perhaps note that the person she is being hardest on her is herself.

My dd is what I would describe as 'spirited', very very strong willed, stubborn, clingy, whingy...you get the idea! She was a nightmare baby who refused to leave my side. Complete contrast to her 2 easy going brothers. It does get easy, much easier, once they are out of the baby stages. But I'm surprised at the labels she has been given at 16 months.

I can't claim I know what you are going through with your daughter being difficult as my son has actually been relatively easy since he was born. However, he did have a speech delay and up until he was two he wasn't really speaking much at all, he has mostly caught up now. The months when he wasn't speaking though I felt like such a failure so I can see where you are coming from there. I never let him watch television, I was always talking to him and trying to involve myself in his world- if he was awake and I was there I was constantly interacting with him. Yet still, it made no difference, he started talking when he was ready. I used to go to play dates with my friends and come home absolutely distraught because their children were chattering away and mine was not. I became obsessed with it to be honest and it was quite a dark time where the worries about his development affected my enjoyment of him. Now I am out of that period I can see looking back what I was doing was the worst thing for him really, he was either going to talk or not and me constantly stimulating him really served no purpose other than to stress myself out. I also became obsessed with taking him out to groups and to places I thought he should find fun as I though it would help his development. He didn't enjoy them at all but still I kept going because I thought I could make him like it. He's naturally a very shy person, as am I. Someone pointed out to me recently would you want to be taken to a party every week with strangers and be forced to mingle? Of course I said no- and they said well why do you think he should want to then? Since then I've massively cut down on the groups and fun days out. Yesterday for example we had a lazy morning at home and went to the beach and then shared a slice of cake in a cafe afterwards, and he was so happy all day. That's what I aim for now, a day we have both enjoyed.

Hopefully you will be able to give yourself a break after reading all these posts on here, being a mum is hard enough. The only questions you should ask yourself at the end of the day are did we do anything today that made her happy and did I enjoy her- if the answer to those is yes I reckon you are doing well.

My 1st was a challenge.. Screamed as a baby non stop, got over stimulated as a toddler, used to over-react to everything as a young child..

She is am amazing pre-teen now.. Funny, intelligent, sociable.. You sometimes have to explain the "rules" to her (e.g. how mean girls in the class operates or how to spot a bully) but she's just fab and very affectionate.

What helped:

• Spending tonnes of time with her (we both work so not saying you have to be a SAHM)
• Refuse to label her difficult and don't allow others to call her difficult either. Labels stick
• Try to be as cheerful as possible - grumpy parent, grumpy kid
• Engineer friendships in the early years.

I had another child who was a dream in comparison as a young child but is more of a challenge now in some ways.

Above all - hang in there!!

Stick her in front of peppa pig with some smarties. That'll sort it!

Only kidding. A bit. You sound like a bit of a hard work parent and she's probably highly strung like you. Relax you don't have to be book perfect. She is a baby. It's bloody hard work having young children, my two did their fair share of screaming and it can be awful but you'll both get through it and she'll change and develop so quickly don't worry. Totally normal.

If you think her development is going backwards then I would see your GP about this.
It's highly unlikely that anything you are doing or not doing is causing any difficulties she may have. Look for what she enjoys, what makes her laugh and do lots of that.

You sound desperate to be perfect and this is making you anxious to have a 'perfect' child. Perfect parents and perfect childeren simply don't exist. Take the pressure off yourself and you'll probably take some pressure off the picture of what you want her to be. Look at her for who she is and look for the good in her. Being Strong and spirited will be an amazing life skill when she's older. I know to you she seems 'difficult' but as other pps have said, she seems like a fairly normal (I hate that word) 16 month old.
I think if you slowly change your thinking about her to a more positive mindset and forget about 'doing everything right' you'll start to relax and enjoy her more. My 5yo is quirky, has always known her own mind and is certainly not a people pleaser. I love her for it. I used to worry about her making friends with others but I've seen that she's happy the way she is. She has friends but those who take her as she is.
Sounds like you could have a great little girl there. Try to see it, for your own sake as well as hers. Parenting is tough

We had a difficult child too. It's so bloody hard and lonely. It was all the more obvious when we had a second child. What a difference.

We were told DC1 was normal at 3yrs old. I wondered about ADHD but was told it wasn't. Aged almost 5 the teachers sought help and we finally got her diagnosed. She is easier now but still extreme emotions and tricky, although she's rarely intentionally naughty - usually to her sibling.

So keep at it and you may find she isn't NT after all. 16 months is very young.

YANB 100% U... but relax. You are not "doing everything right" because there's no such thing. What suits one child may not suit another whether that's how you feed, plan naps or activities. All kids are difficult in their own way.

Most kids I know between 12 & 36 months are little terrors. Don't look at other people's apparently angelic spawn, they're probably like yours behind closed doors. Its ok to have less than positive feelings about it once in a while, we all get tired, angry, frustrated or sad... but see the best in your LO, get your DP to help more so you get a break and remember everything is a phase of some description. Your kid might be the super bright one that gives you fewer grey hairs later on.

Please don't give her wotsits!!! The orange is a total bugger to get out of anything. That stuff should be industrial dye. Pom bear are beige and easier to remove

Don't worry too much about her vocabulary- she's a baby. They all get there. Mine can't (won't) say dada- everyone she likes is mama. But her vocabulary is extensive when she's really REALLY angry. 😂

Your HV sounds like she's adding to your insecurities.

They don't all get there unfortunately. Always better to get any suspicions about language development checked out, especially regression.

You have my sympathies OP, my eldest is almost as exactly as you describe - been "difficult" from before birth it seems sometimes!

He didn't grow much in the third trimester and came 3 weeks early, not tiny but 6lbs. From then on getting him to feed was a nightmare, he's been off the bottom of the weight chart most of his life.

He's also been disobedient/oppositional/defiant from as soon as he's been able to. Despite involving all the relevant healthcare professionals, seems there's nothing actually "wrong" with him, thats just the way he is.

He has gotten a bit better with age though, he's 11 now and although getting him to do anything he doesn't want to do and eat enough to live on is still a massive challenge he's a lot nicer to be around.

Op.mentionned difficult birth etc so chances of there being issues are higher.
Dd may have good reason to be "difficult" but it is not op s fault....
Focus on getting referrals and asking for advice on what to do.to help your dd.

Great advice by HeteronormativeHaybales and others. ❤️ I would urge you again OP to get checked for PND, GAD or both. You need help to ease off and be less hard on yourself and your expectations of your little dd.

I would definitely try to find a good Cranial Osteopath for your dd. With hindsight I wish it was something I'd found for my daughter when she was a baby. I definitely passed my anxiety to her and had PND which wasn't diagnosed for ages. Fortunately I wasn't averse to sitting with dd and watching Cbeebies. Never did her any harm; she's 17 now and I still worry about her. 😂

I hate these threads - just calm down and ooo your so highly strung. I went through all this shit and it did turn out there was a reason. She is lovely and amazing and affectionate but super hard work and it has impacted our relationship. It's a different type of parenting and people with typical/well behaved kids will never get it.

I knew she wasn't ok and I was right. I was sooooo hard on myself. Unfortunately they won't investigate at such a young age unless it's very obvious/bad. Mine was slower to talk but it came in time and now she doesn't shut up.

Sadly there is little support even if you did have a diagnosis. We've gone private.

I agree ShastaBeast.

My two kids that are now 5 and 8 were both really difficult babies/toddlers/ children. I struggled enormously, not just with parenting them but with other people's reactions. I lose track of the amount of times people say things that make you doubt yourself and think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and that it's all in your head. Everyone wants to have the last say, be the one to solve it for you and get it resolved quickly. Both my children now have diagnosises and have full time one to one support in school. And I have no idea how I and my marriage survived the pre school years. But we did and they are both a joy also! Good luck OP, fight for diagnosis, it's a game changer.

YANBU. I have only read the OP and skimmed the thread.

But my DD, nearly 3, has been very hard work since day 1. A vast difference to her mostly easy going older sibling.

Age 1 - 2 was particularly awful. Similar to descriptions on this thread from other people with challenging children. The challenges change over time but now that she is nearly 3 (and potty trained) it is a lot easier. However she is still not very verbal and extremely aggressive and prone to bolting or putting herself in dangerous situations.

Get help and advice from your GP for you AND her. You need rest and support and time out from her. Our circumstances have meant I was a SAHM with her for the first 2 years, but I enrolled her in nursery after that for a few days a week. It made me a better parent to have time away from her to recharge.

You don't really understand what a hard work child is like until you have one.

Before I had my DD I was such a (mostly internally, never saying it out loud) judgypants shit about people who said they had difficult children. Thought it must be because of parents being too high strung/stressed out/over-reacting

Boy oh boy did I learn my lesson. Eaten my fill of humble pie!!

Op I'll try to keep this short so you can actually read it.
First do read the "Spirited Child" book.
Second ask for a referral to a Paediatrician. HVs sometimes use it a bit longer me a threat. But to be honest they miss lots of not NT children - and if you are this anxious it might not be you but your DD.
Third really try not to compare. Your DD is an individual. She might not like Birthday parties or loud noises or puppets or whatever, but that is her and those kind of things aren't compulsory. Try to keep your energy for things like tooth brushing etc. which are important.
Finally your Dp needs to give you a break and interact with her. This is for your own health. Even if he just plays with her for a couple of hours while you get your hair cut and have a coffee. She doesn't know him well it seems like, and that isn't fair.

16 months or 16 years?

Hang in there OP. My difficult baby / toddler is now a lovely, well behaved 7yo.

Tilapia - my difficult baby/toddler is a diagnosed special needs 7 year old.

Saying that to me 5/6 years ago would be false hope. Although she is a lot easier than she was, we are lucky she isn't very badly affected. Others find it harder as they get older.

There are no guarantees, regardless of how many of you claim a difficult toddler can be an easy older child. We just don't know how difficult OP's child really was. An example is twice daily tantrums/melt downs lasting an hour followed by screaming night terrors most nights for another hour. 20 min naps at most during the day. Constant breastfeeding for several hours in the evening while screaming. Now we know why.

Op do you honestly think it's normal foe a 16 month old to toddle along the street holding an adults hand? I think you are way overthinking parenting and expecting too much of your little one. Relax and accept thst yes she might be spirited but she is also normal and when she is in bed put away the books put down the organic cookery manuak and try to stop making it so much hard work for yourself

Whats a Sensory Diet please?

OP, massive hugs, this too shall pass, hang in there, you are not alone and you've got this xx

Yeah my baby that didn't sleep more than an hour at a time for the first two years of her life, wouldn't breastfeed, was a toddler that bit other toddlers, constantly ran away and screamed like she was being murdered whenever she needed her nappy/clothes changed is now a 5 year old with diagnosed special needs and a full-time one to one support at school.