To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

I wonder if it is worth going to your GP and asking for a paed referral or pay to go privately for one and rule out any allergies. I say this because my DD was really struggling with a very unhappy toddler, who turned out to have coeliac disease and it took her symptoms building to a certain level to show.

There is a huge expectation with becoming a parent, and the reality is often very very different. At 16 months, she's still very very little and could just generally be over tired, over stimulated and sometimes just relaxing a little bit can really help. Life doesn't have to be perfect, the house can be messy and you can eat a tin of beans for tea without the world imploding on you. Missing the odd bath night won't kill her, or will having a quiet day at home with mum and watching tv/having a picnic on the living room floor. Be kinder to yourself, and this phase will pass .

My first was a nightmare baby up to six months. She had colic and reflux and screamed almost constantly and never slept for longer than an hour in one go. She's now 3 and is one of the best behaved toddlers I know.

My second was a fab baby and just basically chilled, she lay around while I did stuff with her sister and rarely cried. She's now 15 months and such hard work. Yesterday she had 15 tantrums over nothing.

Lots of the advice you've been given is mostly chill out and let her watch Netflix, which does work for some kids but it definitely wouldn't for my youngest. My eldest watches tv, so I'm not adverse to I, but it doesn't at all work for my youngest. She just runs off and tantrums when I won't let her destroy something or climb up the buggy or am cooking tea so ignoring her. Literally the only thing that works for her is constant activities.

What I'm saying is you need to find what works for your DD and go with it. If that's TV, or the park, or playdough, then do that when you need to. Some kids do need constant entertainment, and it won't be forever. I had to teach my eldest to play on her own and she now can do that for up to an hour happily. My youngest isn't there yet, but she will be.

I call my youngest a drama queen because she is, but it's the stage she's at.

I also found it helpful to come up with some stuff I could do while looking after them that meant I wasn't fussing so much. I took up photography when walking around with my eldest in the sling for hours when she was weeks old and now I can take photos when out with them in the day and relax by editing them in the evening.

I've also been perfecting my life plan for when they go to school!

OP your post illustrates how to a large extent, your child is who they are. Nurture and environment matter of course but I do think they are born with their personality and tendencies.

I've seen this with both mine. The epic tantrumming, the anti-social behaviour, refusing to join in with things, being massively highly strung and getting upset over all kinds of things, while other parents look on wondering what kind of shit parent I must be. And this is despite me trying really hard to do it right, have boundaries, be calm but firm, healthy food, stimulating activities, breastfeeding for over a year etc etc.

I am a very anxious person and I think they have this partly from me, genetically or otherwise. There's also ASD in the family and now they are older I'd say they both have some traits (as do I), though we're not looking at anything official at the moment, it's clearly mild if anything. I just accept that we are all a bit off-centre and I need to work on what makes them happy.

We don't do lots of activities, they prefer to amuse themselves at home or do something informal like going to the beach. They are very creative and interested in things. They are both very stubborn and question everything - can be hard work but could also mean they'll go far. They are also funny, witty, brilliant at lateral thinking, great conversationalists and so original.

Yes it's frustrating when I see someone else's child skip off to a holiday camp without a care in the world while mine couldn't cope with it. But it's not a competition to have the easiest child, but to help your child be their best self, with all their quirks.

Give yourself a break and just get to know her for herself as she gets older - it will get easier IME, because I think kids like this are very frustrated by being small children. The more agency and freedom they have as they grow, the more they can be themselves.

As a huge sufferer of 'middle class guilt' I have to admit I sometimes enjoy sitting on the sofa cuddled up to my toddler eating biscuits and watching TV.

Half an hour of that and we're both pretty happy. Try it. It's not in the perfect parent book but to be honest, my toddler is yet to read the book!

Have a huge hug OP

My DD is 19 months and is definitely spirited, she is full on and exhausting when she is awake. Stubborn, willful, demanding, hard work etc could all easily describe her. Do I care? Not one bloody bit. Try not giving a damn about what strangers think, it's liberating.

In all honesty your DD sounds normal, I know many babies who weren't communicating that well at 16 months. It is frustrating for them but it isn't necessarily a cause for concern right now. My DD melts down a million times a day when she can't have her own way.

I think you need to in the nicest way chill the fuck out. Letting her eat rubbish occasionally and watch TV will not harm her development. Letting go of being the perfect parent will not cause her issues. My DH also works away all week, so I know how hard it is. I work 4 days a week as well. Most nights when she goes to bed I tidy around and then sit down and do nothing, or I do something for me like reading, knitting or exercise. You sound like your sense of self has disappeared with the baby and so you're putting everything into her and it's not working. Take time for you, do something you love if that means she eats a slightly less nutrious meal the next day then so be it. You being happy will reflect so much more to your DD than the food you give her because she has no idea that you spent 3hrs preparing it. She'll still chuck it on the floor for fun.

I completely understand the feelings of ruining her, and worried myself in the early days, but really if she is loved, fed, clothed and given your time then right now that's she needs.

Just love her for who she is, not what she can and cannot do.

Also if there are any issues early intervention by 2 is by far most effective.

Nicer to listen to people saying it will all be fine but if your gut is worried then ask for paed referral. Cant hurt even to rule anything out.

Hi Op I really feel for you as I felt the same way about my son 6 weeks ago. I remember crying in front of dh and asking him why I couldn't just make my baby happy. He was a nightmare. Constantly screaming, clingy, seemingly angry all the time, the works. I lost the will to take him out some days as I couldn't bear the dirty looks and plus was too exhausted due to lack of sleep. He was teething but I couldnt believe all the behavioural problems were to do with that...turns out I was wrong! Once all 4 molars came through he was like a different baby. It was literally overnight, the teething had completely changed his personality he must have been in terrible pain. The whole process went on for 2 months and now at 17 months he is a delight. I know what it's like when your baby is so hard and people make out its your fault, you're projecting your anxiety etc. Even my own mum said the same. But sometimes there's other reasons, some babies just are hard work for reasons that are beyond our control. If it's not teething with your baby it's bound to be another phase and one day it will end. Trust me! Sorry for rambling post I just wanted you to know I understand and that things will get better i'm sure.

Also,OP, if she has lost her words I would speak to GP about it as that is not a normal stage of development and is a flag for ASD. DS was slow to talk (among other issues) but he just about hit the speech milestones.

Oh Snack I do feel for you. I had similar feelings when DD was smaller (she's now 4). She was a low birth weight, refluxy, high needs baby. She is now a lovely pre-schooler but does still need lots of attention and affection.

Interestingly, my parents said I was just the same as a child.... I was diagnosed with ASD last year. I am pretty 'high functioning' - I live independently, have a career etc. It's not clear if DD has ASD yet but I have asked school to keep an eye on her. We just look at DD for who she is and work with her, it's easier than fighting against her! For example, she's been choosing her own clothes since she was able to express a choice. Otherwise she'd fight me when I tried to dress her! She is determined to be independent, I encourage that but always say it's okay to ask for help if she needs it. She is very reactive to our communication - she picks up on negativity and responds in kind! We found [[
www.parents.com/kids/discipline/strategies/7-easy-ways-to-fix-bad-behavior/ This advice]] extremely helpful, it's improved our approach to DD, she's responded really positively. I feel like I'm less critical and frustrated and she is easier too. I stopped reading the 'Where your child should be at' books and work with the child I actually have. I do think language regressing is a concern and would be pushing for a paeds referral, maybe for speech therapy to look into that. Just because the HV says she's NT doesn't mean she's right..she's not qualified to diagnose (or say there is no diagnosis). Hey I wasn't diagnosed myself until I was 34, looking back I clearly had signs from a young age but ASD still isn't as commonly diagnosed in girls and does get missed.

Honestly, I think you need to minimise your activities. Your DD gets plenty of stimulation at nursery. We have a 'rule of 3' - I try to do 3 fun things with DD in a day. These can be as simple as going to the park, the library, the local shops, or pottering at home, playing in the garden, painting, sticker books. It's okay to bung CBeebies for a bit in between!

What does come across is that you love your DD and want to do the best for her. For you because I do get how tough it can be!

yyy to the posters saying you should get her checked out

A few things that i've picked up here:
You stopped bf 3 months ago - could she be reacting to that? Bf is not just 'milk' it is also a bond with the mother. She may be adjusting to that being stopped.
Nursery - you are convinced it is better for her than being with you and I would challenge that. I think studies show that a child being separated from mum before aged 3 or sth usually becomes v anxious even though they don't express it. Not saying you should stop working if you enjoy your work, I choose to work full-time because I love what I do, but I do it knowing that yes potentially it's not the best thing for my kids to have to go to nursery but I believe it's right overall for my family. Just to give you an option to think about if you wished to stop working.
Groups and activities - if she goes to nursery I'd ditch all that unless she really enjoys them. Do you take her swimming? I found all my kids really loved this and it's a fantastic sport.
You mention 'standards' - I don't think 'standards' are helpful at this age. As others have said children are not here to make up our own weaknesses or perceived failures or reach our own standards, they are here to be themselves and maybe you are putting too much pressure on both of you to reach some unnecessary and unhelpful perceived standards. Step back and focus on what's truly important maybe?
She is still so very young, she is not misbehaving but just dealing with her emotions in the best way she can and your job is to support her in this.
And finally - yes she will most definitely feel your own emotional state, even if you cry only in the shower, kids feel everything. If you try to be more positive yourself, more confident in yourself it will trickle through. Look at support and help for yourself maybe?

Some very wise advice on here.

My contribution is silly but simple. I prescribe daily singing and dancing (as in put Louie Louie on and jump around the house like a loon, bet she joins in), find what she likes, what makes her laugh and try to have a little bit of it every day. Find a funny and even if she isn't joining in and laughing, you are and so you teach her how to have fun.

I'm sure you are doing a great job OP.
Some DC are just more difficult than others.
I asked my 3.5 yo DT to pick a chair at the table for breakfast, one did it happily, the other one threw himself on the floor, whining, saying he was tired (after a good 11h uninterrupted sleep). Same education, same environment, different children. Just shows that some things are just beyond your control or influence.

I just want to see her happy and maybe a bit more relaxed

I feel exhausted just reading about everything you do. You are trying too hard to be the perfect mum, and the resentment you feel is probably because you are wearing yourself out in the process. Maybe if you chilled out a bit and were more relaxed she would be too. It could be she's picking up on your anxiety. It won't hurt her to have a meal that's not from scratch once in a while and she doesn't need every second of her time to be micro managed either - she doesn't have to be entertained every minute of every day. You need some "me" time and so does she.

Totally agree with PP about makaton signing, have a look on the makaton website, they give some free signs on there. Try giving her choices between 2 things to do/eat etc (use picture cards or items) so she feels some control over things.

You sound really lovely, don't be so hard on yourself, I know it feels a massive responsibility but you are doing really well. Kids develop at different rates and your DD is still really young, however, if you do honestly think she is going backwards in her development, perhaps have a chat with nursery and the HV and keep it under review. Just wondering if under all this you feel that something isn't 'quite right'? If that is the case, go with your gut instinct and see if you can get referred to a paediatrician.

PS motherhood is the hardest, most thankless, underpaid, grueling job I have ever undertaken. There are no start and finish times, no holidays, no sick days, no mental health days, no handing over to another member of staff, no boss to pass a difficult customer over, no lunch times, no time off, no rewards It seems to run for 18 - 21 years

ha ha and the rest! Our middle one is nearly 24, still living at home and still giving us a hard time!

Oh bless you, you are so very hard on yourself. I feel like you're getting mixed messages from various people in your life and it's just compounding the confusion and anxiety. Firstly, let me say to you right now that you are a good mum. Please hold on to this because I mean it. Secondly, I think you need some help in addressing any underlying anxieties and fears because this is clouding your judgement and not helping you. It's making you doubt yourself. It's making you listen to others. It doesn't matter what other parents do, they're not you. You do what works for your daughter. There is a mid ground between only feeding quinoa and hummus and only feeding wotsits. Parenting is never black and white, it's scary shades of grey and we only figure that out once we're in and it can seem so bleak.

Your daughter hasn't grown into being a little person yet. She's at an awkward age and they get frustrated. I didn't start to get a good sense of "this is who you are, little person" until mine were 2.5-3 years old. It's frustrating being that age, they can't express what they want, and it's even more frustrating parenting a child of that age. Hang in there, it does get easier in terms of building a bond.

Please be kind to yourself and don't put yourself last. Sometimes the most selfless parenting is when we allow ourselves to be selfish for a while.

and helps a lot!

No child is perfect. They're all unique individuals, with their own personalities, their own identities, their own thought processes, their own opinions. And they are not extensions of their parents.

Your daughter is 16 months old. And yes, she may be strong-willed, confident, stubborn, perhaps even a little defiant... because as much as she loves you, she is starting to assert her need to be a little more independent from you. And, to be honest with you, OP, I'm horrified at the fact that your health-care professionals have already decided that she's "difficult". Once they label her... it will stick, believe me.

Perhaps, as other posters have said, relax a little. You're not going to "ruin" her at all. How can you, when it's so obvious that you love her? Enjoy her as she is. Accept her for who she is. Stop comparing her to other children (who may seem like little angels in public, but I'm willing to bet that they have tantrums, poonamis, refuse to go to sleep, refuse to eat that meal their primary carer has slaved over, would rather watch CBeebies for 10 minutes than learn Latin...).

Your daughter sounds very much like me, when I was around her age. I apparently (and impossibly) "didn't sleep for 18 months". I was incredibly picky about what I would and wouldn't eat. I was anti-social ( I'm an introvert, I still prefer my own company than that of others). I ran away from home as soon as I could walk. I wouldn't wear the frilly dresses my mother picked out for me, but insisted that I wore jeans and grubby tee-shirts... and the few friends I did have? Were, much to my mother's despair, all boys. I'm also NT. I simply don't like being told that I must be 'A', when actually? I'm more of a 'B'.

It will get better, OP. Just let your daughter be herself, rather than the perfect child you were hoping that she'd be. And ask your HV not to label her, but to offer/provide you with some support. Because I think you deserve some.

She's a baby. Your expectations are messed up because you're expecting her to be a different personality and she can't. She is just a baby. Let her do what she does and start thinking about gentle discipline i.e. little timeouts or whatever when she's 2.

Try to relax. She's 16m old! My DD was an 'angel baby'. Good as gold, smiley and happy. She almost 9 and I'd cheerfully sell her on eBay some days. They all have difficult stages.

DS is exhausting and the toddler years were hard work. He is just very bright and needs lots of stuff to do to stop him being bored. He's 5.5 and getting easier.

Hang in there. It will change all the time. Sometimes easier sometimes harder but change it will.

I feel for you op. My eldest is a difficult child and has been from day one. Constant health problems. In and out of hospital for one thing and another. Constant medical appointments ( under three different consultants for different on going health related things) and has always been strong willed, bloody minded. I have got to the point where we can't go out for meals with him as he is too difficult/ won't sit down at the table and I can't manage days out with him and my youngest on my own as He will run off. So if dh is away/working at the weekends we stay in while a lot of my friends wlll go on days out with their brood with or without their husbands. Now nursery want to asses him for ADHD which feels almost like a relief in a way. I constantly feel judged by other parents when he acts up.
My second born is an easy baby in comparison and I think if I had first what a dream my first mat leave would have been.

However he is amazing in so many ways. I adore the bones of him and I thank my lucky stars that he doesn't have anything really major. I know someone whose little boy has severe cerebral palsy. She has a real tough time of it so it's all relative.

I missed about losing skills. Please get that checked out.

OP I don't know if you'll see this post, cos there's eleventy hundred others, but just wanted to say that clearly you are an AWESOME Mum, you sound lovely and you clearly have your daughter's best interests firmly at heart. Don't be hard on yourself over these issues....ok so you have realised you have some issues with anxiety and maybe need to unclench a bit, but that's ok, we're all only human.
Your daughter sounds a poppet, albeit a demanding one at times, and you are doing ok, really you are

But with her being such hard work, I'm afraid if my standards slip, then so will her behaviour / development

But what if the opposite is true? What if your standards have nothing to do with her behaviour? Please cut yourself some slack. Stop comparing her to the books - stop comparing yourself to the books. At the very least, take a month off from reading/researching/doing whatever it is your doing after the cooking and cleaning. Just use that time to relax, read some fiction, sleep. You are, IMO, sucking up too many influences , whether that's from other people's comments or mumsnet or the child development books.

Tune in to your daughter's needs - the child that's in front of you - and your own strengths.

If this has already been said, apologies, but I wonder whether your daughter is quite sensitive to noise, stimulation, strangers etc. If so, then having a packed schedule and taking her out a lot might be stressing her out. Maybe spending more time in a calmer home environment with low stimulus might be good for her!