To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

I think you've had a bit of a rough time on here unnecessarily too, OP. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best parent you can be and whilst yes, children are whole beings with their own personalities, we do have an effect. I do also feel a bit uncomfortable with some of the terms used to describe her. I'm sure you don't, but don't let her be labelled 'difficult' or it will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

'Give yourself a break and drop some activities and have a preprepared meal a couple of times a week or go for simple picnic style meals. You are both struggling and creating more work will make it even harder.'

Agree with this entirely. For both of you. She sounds over stimulated and possibly with some mild sensory issues? V common for toddlers. They don't have a filter. Small children do not need all these activities, and many find it all overwhelming, esp if she's not keen on spending time with her peers. They can't deal with all the changes of pace and filter things out like we do. Do less. Have a simple predictable routine. When you do do something, be outside where possible. Nursery is more than enough social interaction for her. She needs quiet time to process and develop.

There have been a lot of calls for you to 'relax' by letting her watch more telly. It's hardly a crime, but it is more stimulation and the shows are v addictive. Personally I would try and foster her free/independent play. Have a break while she does that in a safe environment, not stuck in front of the telly.

I've also heard Raising your Spirited Child recommended, like a PP, and would also recommend No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury.

'start thinking about ... little timeouts or whatever when she's 2.'

Please, please do not do this.

mctat I get timeouts aren't considered that good anymore, but honestly? Distraction doesn't work for all kids, honestly.

Hopefully things will get easier as you go OP.

Double honestly in there.

Wtaf??? Is this a joke?? She's 16 months old. She is a baby. This has to be your pfb!!!

My dd3, same age, is clingy, shouts when she wants something, is antisocial (I suppose- in that she isn't a loyal,trustworthy friend who will play imaginatively and share cooperatively).

This is because she's a baby. She

Itsjusta really?

So when my five year old (who is so much better than she was at 16 months) threw a major tantrum today and punched me in the stomach after my abdominal surgery on Thursday - is she/I just being PFB? I'm seriously looking at getting her assessed. My gut (not from the punch) says something is wrong. She's good in most ways but something isn't right. Call it mother's instinct.

OP ignore the sniping. Go with your instinct.

As for nursery, my DDs key worker put a mattress on the floor and slept next to her during her lunch break - they CARED. I still love her first key worker and they gladly took on DD2.

Anyone on this thread like to share Apgar scores at birth as I'm interested? DD1 was 2, DD2 was 8. I'm trying to look for answers. But maybe looking too hard. Sorry if I'm high jacking.

'Distraction doesn't work for all kids, honestly.'

Erm, Cheshire Cat, where did I mention distraction?

There have been a lot of calls for you to 'relax' by letting her watch more telly. It's hardly a crime, but it is more stimulation and the shows are v addictive. Personally I would try and foster her free/independent play. Have a break while she does that in a safe environment, not stuck in front of the telly.

Couldn't agree more.

We keep screens to a very minimum too because they are just too stimulating for my highly sensitive DD. I know it's not popular (especially on MN) to say it but there are thousands of empirical studies showing how TV/screens overstimulate children's brains and increase aggressive behaviours.

Definitely have a look at the book Simplicity Parenting.

Another good book (since you seem to like reading!) is 'heaven on earth'

(Although it's about the Waldorf/Steiner approach it doesn't actually mention anthroposophy at all, but it's always something to be aware of and research thoroughly (!!) if you find yourself drawn towards Steiner.... spoiler alert: anthroposophy is bonkers!!!!)

BUT as a stand alone book about providing your DC with a simple, natural childhood, full of free unstructured play (and loads of ideas for this) it's great.

mctat Sorry, you're right, I simply assumed because that's the general advice.

If you have any techniques that worked for you, I'd genuinely appreciate it if you'd either post them on this thread or PM me if you'd rather not derail.

Well I guess it depends on the scenario (I can't see that the OP has given a specific example of behaviour) but IMO children (esp small children with immature language skills) need us to be clear, consistent and direct, not wave a toy or a screen in front of their face. As CheshireChat says it only works for a limited amount of time (esp with a gifted child) and in any case why would anyone want to encourage their child to be distractible?

Children do the best they can in any given situation. If they're struggling in a particular situation, the reason for this will be different, depending on the child. As other posters have said, parent your particular child. E.g. In OPs situation it sounds like her dd finds contact with other children overwhelming. Is she sensitive to noise? Manage these scenarios for her. She doesn't need more than v limited socialisation at this age.

IMO children need to know the boundaries and us to provide these, but they don't need isolating and shaming punishments.

Hmm a 16m old has limited understanding though, if my toddler is having a tantrum because she can't have a biscuit for breakfast I'd much rather go "oooo look at this cool toy!" and distract her rather than pointlessly let the tantrum go on forever. I can explain to her why she can't have a biscuit but she won't get it.

A 16m old can totally understand no biscuits at breakfast, biscuits ... (whenever you allow biscuits) you may have some toast, porridge whatever if your hungry. She will also learn that is the rule if you are consistent (assuming that is your rule!)

Healthy toddlers are emotional beings and if she is having a meltdown, she just needs to get those feelings out. Yes they're not much fun for us, but it is not healthy to distract from feelings. It's probably nothing to do with the actual biscuit.

Cheshire I don't now how to pm from chat, but as I and some other pps have said upthread I recommend Janet Lansbury's website (or book) and her podcasts.

• know

** you're Goodness! It's early

Ime if you do have underlying anxiety (as my dd turned out to do) learning to distract your feelings is actually pretty essential if you are to cope with life at all.

If you are the kind of child that suffers from overload and/or has full-style meltdowns (not talking minor strops here), having every stressful situation escalate into a full meltdown is physically exhausting and isn't going to leave you much energy for learning anything else. My db was like that, my parents were strict but they were also kind enough to try to help him to avoid as many meltdowns as possible by distracting, never by letting him have his way, because they could see how much they took it out of him.

When you are very little the distracting technique has to be worked by somebody else on your behalf; when you get older, if you still have an identifiable problem, that is exactly the kind of thing that CAHMS will be teaching you. CBT is basically about learning to distract and control your own thoughts and feelings before they destroy you.

We don't know how serious the OP's dds' problems are. But if they are anything like those of my dd or my db, there is absolutely no risk that she will not experience the full strength of her emotions or anything along those lines: there will be plenty of times when distraction simply doesn't work because the feelings are stronger.

I think lots of adjectives used by OP are unhelpful labels, "tricky"- "a diva", "willful", "disobedient", I think these are all quite harsh and unhelpful terms when it comes to a baby.

Babies don't "do" things to try and upset their parents. Yes, some babies are placid and others aren't.

But please know that a baby's temperament says nothing about their character.

I had a very "tricky", "difficult" pfb, but he is a very even tempered chilled out teen now.
He just found being a baby hard, had reflux, was unhappy and screamed a lot. However, this was not an indication of the sort of person he is turning out to become (mellow, gentle, chilled out).

Calling the child a diva, willful, disobedient etc may just be a bit unhelpful, damaging even.

It is just a phase. It will pass.

Thereal, while I agree with you about the unhelpful language, I think "It is just a phase, it will pass" is equally unhelpful.

With some children it does not pass and sometimes those children suffers for years because the "only a phase" mantra gets in the way of getting some support that might have made their life easier.

In the case of my dd, the problems that were causing her odd behaviour turned out to be

a) a physical disorder which caused chronic pain and ended up with her in a wheelchair

b) severe anxiety problems which ended up with her on medication + repeated suicide attempts. She is never going to be a laidback person, her illness doesn't allow for that, but she is a very brave person who copes with life by accessing the support she needs.

Friends have found that "just a phase" was in fact the autistic spectrum and that their child has only been able to thrive after targeted support.

As a parent of a small and mainly non-verbal child you can't know whether something is going to be a phase or an ongoing problem: that is the pain of it. You just have to be patient, watch the child you have and try to parent them in the way you find is best for them at that particular time. And try to keep your sense of humour.

imnotreallyreal, my Ds had an agpar of 9 and my DD 2. DD is only 8 months, but so far seems easier than ds.

Interesting perspective Cory but I'm not sure I can agree. I'm certainly no expert, but I think distracting children from their feelings actually contributes to anxiety in later life. I get that mindfulness is superb for anxiety (particularly for unavoidable social situations and for dealing with the physical symptoms) but that's not the same thing as distracting a child who is upset. Feelings are just feelings.

Not sure if anxiety is relevant to the OP's dd but in any case, with very young children there are very few social situations that are unavoidable. They need a very calm and predictable environment so they know what is coming, particularly so when they are highly sensitive.

Thanks mctat it's actually quite reassuring to know that just enforcing boundaries is good.

I now need a magic solution for a badly blistered foot .

mcat, I am not saying that you should always distract, nor am I saying that all children should be treated the same.

But if you have a child whose anxiety (or whatever problem) means that they are likely to enter a several hour long unstoppable meltdown and then be too exhausted to do much else for many hours, then there is a good argument for trying to avoid that this happens every day, let alone several times day- simply because that doesn't leave much time for everything else that the child needs for their development. Not to mention that it makes it very difficult for the rest of the family to get on with their lives. I have plenty of experience both as a sibling and as a parent.

I am not saying that such children should never be allowed to explore the full extent of their feelings. But, as I pointed out in my post, that is not going to be the case: there will always be plenty of occasions anyway, because distraction won't always work.

But it is also useful for the whole family to learn that you can enforce boundaries and make someone laugh at the same time.

For some children, a calm environment will be what they need to help them avoid meltdowns. For others it will be a momentary distraction, a chance to laugh and release positive endorphins. It's about getting to know your child and what triggers them.

The thing is, mcat, we don't know if the OPs dd is what you term "a healthy child" (by which I assume you mean NT) or not. The OP has some concerns. Other people have also hinted at concerns. But it may well be that she won't know for sure for years.

Cory - by 'healthy' I meant those that haven't been made afraid to express themselves for some reason, NOT NT children. I wasn't suggesting OP's dd wasn't healthy, or that those who aren't NT aren't healthy.

I agree about not unnecessarily putting children in situations that are going to cause a huge meltdown (I think I've already made that quite clear) but still maintain that if/once they are upset they should be allowed to express themselves. As you say, sometimes they cannot not.

Heart, that sounds tough!

Well, many years ago I heard that distraction is the name of the game until a child reaches two years of age. We applied that principle to my dgd and it worked really well. It also helps one as a mother to not fall into the habit of saying "No" so often that it loses its meaning.