To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

Isn't this a 'separation anxiey' age?

Yes give her Chips and CBeebies ! Not all the time of course but it won't hurt
Look at sensory issues "the out of synch child"
But these are fairly common... many children grow out of them. Patience

Who is judging you ?

How can a 16month old possibly be anti-social?

OP, trying to phrase this gently: it actually takes quite a bit of effort to "ruin" a child.

Just slipping up and failing to meet her immediate needs of comfort or attention or stimulation on one or two occasions really isn't going to do it.

You don't have to be the perfect mum, she doesn't have to be the perfect daughter. Good enough is good enough.

Should probably point out I don't want (or believe in!) a perfect child. I just want to see her happy and maybe a bit more relaxed. It would also be really nice if I knew that all the things I do are actually benefiting her, not just making me sound like a show off to the HV!

This is so well put:

Of course you're responsible for providing a warm loving setting, but you're not the architect of your DD.

I'd stop trying so hard. Go with the flow and take some short cuts (food/tv etc). Let her test her boundaries so long as she's safe.

Mine is the same age and 'spirited'. I'm knackered permanent. But you've got to let things flow past or you'll be a bag of nerves.

Let her play as she wants and discover things. Really don't worry so much.

Chips and TV won't hurt her anymore than an over anxious mum running herself ragged and resenting her. RELAX. She's a baby. She's doesn't need perfection she needs lovely cuddles with mummy.

She's a baby. Agree with wishful - dc go through developmental stages it's no reflection on their eventual personality. Dd1 used to hit me at that age and was very rejecting which really upset me. Dd2 used to bite. Now both delightful primary aged kids who would no more bite anyone than I would.

And really I'm probably just over anxious

Yes and she's picking up on it!!

She's shows anxiety by being clingy and upset at certain things

Chill out!!

Using the word 'spiteful' is quite strange too, OP. I don't think a 16 month old can be spiteful.

I haven't read the responses but for Christ sake give the kid a break, 16months? I thought u was talking about a 16 year old. Of course she is dramatic! She's a toddler.

Sounds like your expectations aren't meeting reality

They've got no concept of spite.

Just utter self centeredness. The little sods.

I quite enjoy having a 'spirited' child. I'm learning so much watching her grow and explore the world. It's a challenge to make up things to keep her entertained and we regularly go on trips to the supermarket/diy places and make things together to play with.

I'd gently suggest that perhaps it is more you than her. Very gently suggest it.

You sound worn out, OP.
Really...I think you should try to relax more, and relax your expectations on yourself as a parent, and on your daughter. It sounds as if you have an internal sense of how things 'should be' - how your daughter 'should be' and how you as a parent 'should be' which is making you feel that you and DD don't match up to this.
Let go of some of that. Take each day as it comes and try to find the positives and bits of joy where it comes. Lower your expectations of your daughter - she is just a baby, and a pretty normal one at that.

Sounds like you need a break. Does your DP look after her on his own at the weekends so you get some proper R & R? Are you sleep deprived? C'est la vie is right, good enough is certainly good enough. Enjoy her babyhood, it is over all too soon.

Both of my children I would describe as "high maintenance" (understatement!) babies and toddlers. It's very exhausting and makes you yearn to have a sunny, compliant, cheerful, easygoing child (I've seen them! They do exist ).

I seethe a little bit when I see toddlers out and about, obediently trotting alongside their parent, holding their hand even.

One of my friends said her two small children were basically perfect angels ("I know, I'm very lucky") and I kind of wanted to punch her in the face.

So, I get where you're coming from OP. It can be really difficult to feel like nothing you (or anyone else for that matter) do actually makes your child happy.

On the plus side, DC1 turned into a fairly reasonable human being once she reached the age of four. DC2 is two and... who knows?

My DS was a very difficult baby, toddler and preschooler. Lots of tantrums and anxiety about doing anything which deviated from his idea of what should happen. He didn't sleep much. He didn't eat much.

It too me a long time to unlearn all the parenting skills I used for parenting my DC1. I had to stop doing the things that I thought I should be doing (because that was what other parents/book/magazines talked about doing) and start doing the things that removed the stress and anxiety from DS's life (and helped with my stress too as a side effect). I started with tackling eating, stopped battling his limited choices, started providing constantly available snacking rather than sitdown meals. It went against everything I believed in but (miracle of miracles) he ate more. Then he was able to sleep more, because he wasn't always hungry. More sleep meant better moods. I let him wear odd socks, peculiar outfits etc. I dropped the toddler groups and did stuff with just the two of us a lot of the time (he was happy to do some playdates, but regular group activities were too much). I had to stop caring about how we looked from the outside and start caring about doing what we needed to survive. Some hours at nursery helped us both - him with his socialising and me with a little down time.

Things started improving at about the time he started school and now, at 9yo, he now sleeps well. He eats well and joins us at the table for regular meals. He is funny and happy and entertaining. Much more confident and much less anxious. And I adore being his mum, really truly find him a delight and a joy (just a bit sad at missing out on enjoying his early years).

I can only conclude that to begin with I wasn't the parent he needed me to be and it just took me a long while to learn how to be his parent rather than a parent.

What seems to be happening here, OP, is that you are trying too hard and telling yourself that you have to get everything absolutely right. The result is that you are getting exhausted and resentful. This leads to a need to know that you are getting your money's worth, so to speak, that all the hard work you put in is worth while. But a 16mo can't give you that reassurance (to be perfectly frank, a 16yo might not be able to give you that reassurance either). So the only result is that you get more stressed and resentful, she possibly picks up on that stress and gets more dramatic, and so it becomes a vicious circle. You are the one that needs to calm it all down, because she can't. Try to carve out a little me-time for yourself, allow yourself not to respond perfectly at every given minute of the day, let her spend some time being bored (and whingey if need be!), cut a few corners with food and entertainment.

Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

You don't know that it has made no difference whatsoever. What you have done may well have made the difference between her as she is now and her without a secure attachment to anyone. Things like your commitment to BF may well have made a difference to her health, but it wouldn't be obvious. You just don't know how she would have turned out without what you have done as a parent.

But do cut yourself some slack - and her too. I recommend sorting out some downtime each day. I know this is probably a really alien suggestion to you, but watching you tube on an iPad for short bursts really is ok (or if you need the break then longer bursts). I recommend Super Simple Songs.

Well whatever you're doing is not working(for you). Change it, put the TV on, give her some treats, let her freeplay, stop worrying and comparing. She's 16 months, so so young. I promise it gets easier.

OP - I've got a difficult spirited 20 month old. She is impatient to the point of fury and has been since day one. I understand how you are feeling. I am exhausted . Every day we have at least three shit fits over fuck all nothing. Defo give in to some CBeebies and some chips. I'm also reading a book about how to communicate with toddlers apparently you can't just cellotape their mouths shut

I was a case study for a student midwife who needed a "tricky" pregnancy for her 3rd year... High BP was the main issue, but with the other bits and bobs she had plenty to write about. Everything like this that was said during my pregnancy was light hearted though, I used to be too! Right up until they brought an incubator in during labour I was pretty relaxed. I think it was about then I realised perhaps this wasn't coming naturally to me.
I'm not picking words to criticise my DD. And I don't expect her to suddenly flourish because I have a freezer full of organic baby dinners. DD is monitored for her communication and social development by the HV, who agrees that she's a handful. I just feel frustrated that no matter what I've tried, I don't seem to see any progress. We do have glimpses of fun, but motherhood doesn't feel as rewarding as everyone says it is
To those of you with wise words, I'm doing my best to let go a bit. Thank you for not bashing me for labeling my child, and for giving me sound advice.

I totally get where you're coming from OP. You could be describing my own DD at 16 months. When my second DD came along and was completely different (affectionate, sociable etc) I realised just how wearing I had found DD1. Hang in there - it gets much easier as they get older. Some kids seem be more naturally sociable and others have to learn it.

I totally get it OP. My DD was a nightmare at 16 months. She is still hard work (not NT) but it does get a bit easier when you can reason with them. Hang on in there. And don't try to be the "perfect" parent. Cut yourself some slack.

Dear lady, if you are over anxious about all these things then so too will your little girl be. They feed off their parents emotions and unless you cut yourself some slack ( babies bounce and adapt) then you are setting yourself up for years and years of a neurotic child, who will drive you crazy. The things some people say, you need to stop taking them so literally and learn to laugh them off, sometimes they truly are joking when they say she is difficult, it is not meant as she is difficult, its just a joking, laughing way of saying your little one is not co operating today...Laugh back and say whats new!!! Ease back on the rigid routines and relax more,no child is broken because they watched tv or went to bed an hour later than planned or without a story. You are trying too hard to be the perfect mother and you are reaching breaking point... Learn to enjoy your baby, you are missing so so much time and first beginnings that you will never have again... It as someone else said ( is not about being perfect, just good enough) and a happy contented Mamma makes for a happy contented child. You have no one to prove anything to..........Plus she is a toddler, everything is dramatic and they do make strange ( are antisocial ) at this age..Learn to smile, roll your eyes and stop labeling your child because of your anxiety.Hugs and love to you and your little one, :) and most of all be kinder to yourself xxx