To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

not of course that every "difficult " baby grows into a child with special needs. But equally they don't all grow up without issues.

the plural of anecdote is not data

For those whose difficult babies/toddlers were later diagnosed with special needs/some kind of disorder - what kind of HCP did you see/assessment did you push to get? Is it a developmental paediatrician? I'm not in UK so trying to figure out what kind of equivalent HCP I should be looking for. DD's behaviour is slowly improving but she is quite "different" and I speech therapist I took her to flagged possibly ASD or another disorder, or possibly gifted.

Not trying to find a "label" for her unnecessarily, just that if she does fit within some kind of known category, there could be more support for me to try and help her as best I can.

And at what age did you see the relevant HCP?

Sorry to hijack, OP!

user since when was daycare bad for babies?!

www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200505/the-trouble-day-care
www.smh.com.au/news/national/day-care-is-bad-for-babies--biddulph/2006/03/17/1142582520873.html%3Cbr%20/%3E

My daughter did work experience in a local nursery, rated outstanding. She said it was awful, carers leaving young babies crying for hours as "they need to learn" 15 year old DD sent into kitchen to bake cakes with a group of pre schoolers. Wonder who would have carried the can if one of them got badly burned.

Oh that won't go down well user.

No advice, but I just wanted to salute you for you're parenting. Your DD is really lucky to have you as a mum. You're doing a great job, even if things aren't where you want them to be. 💐

Great, let's turn this into a nursery-bashing thread. That'll help.

I'd cheerfully sell her on eBay some days.

MrsArchchancellor don't be daft. You made her. So put her on Etsy.

DS was HARD work when he was that age. I'd such an easy pregnancy and stupidly thought that I'd ace motherhood too. He was colicky for the first three months and half the time acted like he hated me. He never slept or napped like other kids, speech and crawling or walking he was always the last of his age group to catch up. A nightmare for tantrumming when we would go anywhere. It got to the stage DP didn't want to bring him anywhere. It was exhausting and relentless and I wondered how I'd ever get through. The difference was I genuinely didn't care (still don't) who was judging us when I was grappling with him roaring his head off in the supermarket.

I've a 4.5 yo now amazing, bright, smart, funny, affectionate and kind and I love spending time with him. Still a wee bugger to get to sleep at times but I'll take it.

Hang in there. You are doing great. You will look back on this time and wonder how you ever got through.

User It's the internet, you can find any article online to back up any argument you like.

At what point are women going to stop fucking bashing other women's choices and just accept that we all are doing the best we can with the circumstances we can. Why out of all the things the OP put did you decide to add more worries to her already anxious state? Is it because there was nothing else to pick on.

Just be supportive, or if you can't then just don't comment

Circumstances we have*

Hmmm well the vast majority of the happy, easy kids I used to end up comparing my screaming clingy DC to, were the other kids at nursery. So I don't think nursery was the problem.

You don't really understand what a hard work child is like until you have one.

This x 100. All the posters on here saying "16 months is a tricky age" and "just relax and enjoy it" and "she's probably just picking up your anxiety" - they do not get it.

Some kids are really really hard work. It's just the way they are. Could be a SN of some kind, other health issue, could just be their personality. Who knows.

I think what the OP needs here is 1) validation - yes you are having a shitter time than most parents, it sucks and you are entitled to feel sad about that. 2) reality check - there is not a lot you can do about it, even if you are the prefect parent, your DD will probably still be difficult.

It bit late in day but I saw a while back that your daughter chose to sit close to the tv . Have you had her eyes tested .

Why out of all the things the OP put did you decide to add more worries to her already anxious state? Is it because there was nothing else to pick on.

because I think that is the root of her DDs problems.The stress levels in babies in nursery is sky-high compared to other babies.That is not an opinion or a theory-that is a fact.
Babies get very very little attention, very little one to one at nursery compared to at home.the OP is working purely to pay for her baby to receive (at best) much worse care than she could provide, at worst damaging her baby's brain chemistry and setting her up for mental illness down the line.It is heartbreaking that she thinks she is doing teh right thing by her baby.

What about every time she does something to make you smile you write it down on a bit of paper and stick it in a box. Then when you are having a stressy day open up your box and remind yourself of all the lovely moments with her. Yes this sounds really twee but it might help you focus on the positives.

Well my dd went to a lovely nursery and they looked after her better than I would have if I had just stayed at home.

OP I've read this read with interest. It relates to me in so many ways. I thought I'd share a few thoughts in case my perspective helps you at all...

my DD (2 years 8 months old) is high needs emotionally - similar situation to you in that I had a difficult pregnancy emotionally, a traumatic birth, and DD had severe silent reflux, cmpa and soy allergy, colic, anterior and posterior tongue tie complicated by head/neck pain due to forceps delivery. Plus she is naturally highly sensitive. She screamed a lot and hardly slept. Google Dr Sears high needs baby to see if any of it rings true....

I'm a SAHM and my DH works long hours - often away for days at a time. I have no additional help because we live overseas and anyway my DM and MIL are both narcs and I wouldn't/don't let them have any real involvement in her life anyway. I know how the strain of feeling solely responsible gets to you at times and feeds the anxiety.

I have managed to avoid PND - which is where I was headed in the newborn days - for a few reasons I think.

One was that I used to work within a HV team as a nurse. I saw 100s of new mums with their range of babies and personalities and knew that A. Some babies are easier than others. B. This is 'luck' of the draw and not down to superior parenting (although my DM would tell you otherwise... always so helpful!) and C. Every new mum thinks that everyone else has got their shit together and only they don't have a clue what they're doing.

Honestly, that perspective helped me a lot - especially since I didn't have anyone around to reassure me I was doing a good job (apart from mumsnet).... and like you I wasn't getting any 'feedback' per se from DD that I was doing a good job.

Most days until she was a year old ended in an hour long screaming fit, she was highly anxious and extremely clingy. But like someone upthread said it was in ananzious clingy way not an affectionate way. I often felt like she rejected my affection at times. She wanted me exactly as she wanted me, of that makes sense?

The other things that have helped me is that my own DM always cast me as the scapegoat. My older DSis was the daughter she wanted - they are much more alike (extroverted, sporty, popular etc). I was always awkward, shy, quiet, day dreamy, arty, sensitive type. Who my DM struggled to understand - or actually more accurately - never cared to understand. I got told I was weird, oversensitive, no one will want to be your friend if you're like that etc etc...

(Posting now so I don't lose this)

So I have the perspective of someone growing up having been labeled as 'difficult' when in fact I was just being me. Or trying to be - I was never actually allowed to be me. I'm not going into details about how this affected my mental health as a young adult other than to say that it did (!!!)

So I have always determined that whatever child I was blessed with after our struggles to get and stay pregnant (another factor in my perspective) I would accept them wholeheartedly for whoever they are.

Someone upthread already said it - which is that you have to be the parent that your child needs you to be
(That is to say the child in front of you not some theoretical child in a parenting book)

My DD DEMANDED from day one that I meet her needs exactly how she wanted them met. And I actually thank her for this! I was tying myself up in knots in the early days - so exhausted from 1-2 hours sleep a night and almost hallucinating and I had DM and MIL sending me somewhat loopy with 'advice' to put DD down, you're making her clingy, shut the door let her cry blah blah bollocks blah. I almost listened to them.

Then I chose to think Fuck You and listened to the tiny but there mothering instincts inside me to give my child what she was damn well telling me she needed. It got easier it honestly did. Did she get 'easier'? No.

But my perspective changed from 'my DD is so difficult' to 'I'm meeting MY child's needs' and THAT is what made it easier to cope.

I honestly feel like DD showed me the light so to speak. To meet her needs I cosleep (still!), BF (still!), wore her in sling for the first 6 months constantly or she screamed bloody murder and I am with her 24/7 (apart from occasional dentist appointments- when she's left with DH). I did baby signing from 6 months onwards which was sooo useful for communication ages 1-2, she never got frustrated because she could always tell me what she wanted. I am also very mindful not to overstimulate her. She is so highly sensitive and naturally introverted that she doesn't need much before she's strung out. I keep things simple (minimal screens, toys etc) and we follow quite a consistent routine - which helps her feel safe and secure.

Now to some that might sound like a living hell - but it has made our lives so much easier - because for the most part it meets DDs very strong emotional needs.

She is who is she and she will be who she is destined to be.

I could fight it, try to change her, label her difficult and say things like "I'm not changing my life for a child, she'll just have to fit in with me!" and make us all miserable

Or do as we are doing and just accept her for who she is and plan our lives accordingly.

Some resources that may help you are (google them)
Dr Sears high needs baby
The highly sensitive child

That's not to say I'm some sort of perfect mum (!!!!!) I make mistakes, I try to learn from them. Sometimes the anxiety gets the better of me.

I've just spent the last few weeks in a kind of funk that I couldn't snap out of. DDs behaviour and mood has been pretty awful at the same time.

I gave myself a good talking to a few days ago and made a real effort to 'enjoy' DD and (like it always does) her behaviour and attitude has dramatically improved.

I'm not trying to lay blame either and think it's too simplistic to suggest that your child's 'difficult' nature is down to your anxiety.... BUT children really do pick up on and feed off your mood and emotional energy. It does make a difference if they are constantly receiving stressed out messages from parents.

I hope some of what i have written may be of use to you. I really sympathize with your situation.

Be kind to yourself and your DC

Ps, the other resource I meant to mention was a book called 'Simplicity parenting'

not of course that every "difficult " baby grows into a child with special needs. But equally they don't all grow up without issues.

This is a very good summary.

I would basically set out a plan of action as follows:

a) push for evaluation if you think there is reason to believe your dd is struggling more than is normal for her age (and definitely if she is losing skills!!!)- she may need support you are not able to give her without extra training

b) accept that despite evaluations you may never know, or may not know for a long time, if it is a case of SN or not- you may still need to change your parenting as if you did know

c) accept that you need to focus on parenting the child you have without the expectation that this will turn her into a different child

d) plan ways of making life a little bit easier for yourself within the limits of her behaviour:

plan trips out so as not to overload her

learn to distract your own mind when there is the inevitable scene in public so you don't get too upset (CBT/mindfulness techniques can really help)

tell yourself that you are doing what you are doing (cooking her good food etc) because whatever her problems you want her to have a good diet- accept that it may never seem as if this made a visible difference

see if you can't ease the focus away a bit from all-this-I-am-doing-for-her by cooking nice nutritious meals for yourself and then feeding the same to her: it makes a psychological difference

when your dh is home, make sure there is some me-time for you: you need it!!!

Another thought: if you suffer from anxiety it may well be hereditary.

And anxiety often manifests as tantrums in young children.

Just skimmed the thread but wanted to say that my first was like that and I feel for you so much!

Things that helped me:

• realising that my job wasn't to stop crying (assuming that there wasn't anything actually hurting him etc) but to be there for him when he cried
• realising that my job wasn't to entertain him or provide him with stimulation (google Janet Lansbury - she has some good posts about boredom)
• meditation (I really liked the Headspace app but there are obviously lots of options) and yoga - like it or not, your moods do rub off on them
• cutting down our schedule - even these days I try to do a maximum of one trip out of the house each day - also realise that baby/toddler groups are for you not the child so go for your sake not theirs

My high-maintenance baby/toddler is now a totally lovely 6 year old - just had his school report talking about his delightful personality and how he is always cheerful and optimistic.

16 months is also way to early to worry about speech development. My eldest only said his first word at 17 months and by the time he was 3 or 4 you really wouldn't have known that he was on the late side. If you are concerned, there's a good book called Small Talk written by a speech therapist which tells you what to be worried and not worried about.

It's not all going to get easier overnight and things like sleep especially tend to get better and then worse and then better again, but it will gradually get easier as they get older! 1.5 years is a hard age.

How are you feeling now OP?

You've had a hard time at points on this thread but you also had a ton of very helpful and perceptive advice.

Good luck and hope it goes well with the GP re: your anxiety