To be resentful of my difficult child?

[SnackSnackEatAndCrave]

I should probably start by saying that deep down I know IABU... and as with all DC rants, tell everyone how much I love DD despite these feelings. But here goes.

DD is 16 months old. She has been described as "tricky" by healthcare professionals since before she was even born. Other adjectives include "strong willed" "difficult" and "a challenge".
She's not exactly naughty, in that she isn't spiteful or particularly disobedient, but she is antisocial and very dramatic when things aren't going her way. We are also having a few issues with her development not being quite where it "should" be for her age.
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work.

The reason I feel resentful of this is because I work unbelievably hard to be a good parent, and I just feel like I get nothing back. This isn't downing anyone else's parenting but I often put so much effort in that I'm exhausted.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, take her to baby groups and activities, practically work for free so she can go to a lovely daycare, limit TV, no sweets, make sure she gets fresh air and exercise, singing and reading, free and structured play, and I've read countless parenting books, ate like a bloody Saint the whole pregnancy and 13 long months of breastfeeding... Sorry that's a ridiculous list of all the advice I've followed desperately, and it has honestly made no difference whatsoever.

All my friends have happy children (obviously not perfect but smiley and on track developmentally), and think I'm mad for all the hard work I put into parenting when DD is still so tricky and I don't see any benefits. And I feel so sad and resentful that we don't have a happy family like other people when I try so hard.

I think that most of what you describe might just be normal.Maybe you're dwelling too much on the negatives and there are lots of times when things are ok but you're not giving these times the same importance. I've always thought that my pregnancies were straightforward (the births weren't) and I had "easy" babies. But of course the pregnancies weren't that straightforward and the babies not that "easy". Looking back, there were lots of hard times and issues. Just try not to make them that important. "Tricky" is what everyone has some of the time so remind yourself of that if you can. 💐

Oh, on people commenting... people comment all the time on my 21mo's reserve towards people she doesn't regularly spend time with. Her wariness, her sceptical face. It's because they'd like her to be all open and friendly and smily. But her way is to be wary and watchful in new situations, and open up and blossom gradually. That's her. And she's fine. People comment on stuff that disturbs their worldview - I think we culturally still have quite an ingrained belief in the desirability of 'good' children (as your whole OP shows!) and many of today's adults will have been punished for tantrumming, so it is likely that the sight causes a response in them they don't even really understand. And so they comment.

When my older two were about 5 and 3 I was out on the street with them and they were both upset about something. An elderly woman (who we had never seen and I presume had never seen us before) passing us said 'Both children crying. We know what a bad mother you are' People comment. Some are gratuitously nasty (and wrong), like that woman. Others don't engage their brains. We can't take all the crap to heart that people around us come out with.

I might cry in the shower, but DD only sees my happy side.

But, but, but .... she will pick things up. REally she will. She'll pick up the undercurrent of anxiety, fear & resentment that you communicate. Sorry, but she will.

She might be a nightmare sometimes but she is so loved. You seem to take the "nightmare" so seriously. Can you just act being a don't care parent? Joke about her noise and treat it with a certain amount of neglectfulness? I don't mean full-on neglect, but you could loosen up a bit ... maybe? Just try it.

Just a Musing your story is so sad, and I think that unintentionally from parents who knew no different, I picked up the same messages in my childhood. My life hasn't been the same as yours of course, but I have lots of issues in different areas and it comes down to a basic wonky message of feeling worthless and intolerable. It is so utterly painful to feel this way, and OP, the more I read your thread the less I believe that you are learning anything from what you read here. I think you need therapy to try and unpick this basic belief that your daughter is more trouble than everyone else's child. Because no matter what you say to her, she could potentially pick up on your emotional cues to say that she is flawed, that she is different, that she is more trouble. Motherhood, as others has said, is a bloody difficult job. There are no rewards, no pats on the back, and we don't deserve any, if I can be totally blunt. We chose to bring our children into this world, we are responsible for nurturing them, for helping them grow, they owe us nothing beyond the fact that we gave them life. I am currently trying (and failing) to unpick a lifetime of messages that tell me I'm not good enough. You sound like you are doing an amazing job, so give yourself a break and stop expecting a round of applause, as nothing is coming. All we can hope for is healthy, happy children, who know that they are loved.

OP I firmly believe all kids bring some trouble and angst with them. You are going through it now but if you try to relax a bit, ignore the snarky know it alls and enjoy your little one for who she is it will get easier.

One of mine was referred to a speech therapist, she has a first class honours degree and post grad qualifications and some of the "angelic" "early talkers" she went to play group with haven't done nearly as well as she has.

My youngest basically breastfed for 3 years so no one knew if he could speak or do anything much. He is fine, has a first class honours degree, is doing his masters and is the most laid back easy adult.

Don't let people worry you, next time someone makes a remark about her meltdowns just say, "Bright children are a handful aren't they." and smile sweetly.

Some babies are a lot more 'difficult' than others so to those saying 'she's just being a baby' well yes, she is but all babies are different and some are a lot more hard work than others, they really genuinely are! So don't feel like it's just you OP.

I have one 'easy' baby (my youngest) and one who was and still is more challenging (my eldest age 3 almost 4). Honestly some days I am at my wits end as he is and always has been such bloody hard work! So I get it. I know, you're like me, you adore and love your little one but, at the same time, they push you to your limit.

Sorry I can't offer advice but I just want to say that, as someone who has a textbook 'easy' child and one proper difficult one, that it does get easier! Lower your standards for your baby and yourself though, don't be so hard on your DD or yourself. You're both learning together.

Why not take it down a bit? Cut back on the activities and try to relax in each other's company a bit? As long as they had my attention (i.e not doing a chore or using a phone etc) my dc's didn't care what we were doing and would actually rather be going for a walk, reading a book or having cuddles than going to an activity. Just give it a try and see, she might not be tricky, she might be sensitive to overstimulation.
Or she might not, I'm not an expert, just making a suggestion based on your post!

I think you are putting yourself under too much pressure. Some children are just harder work than others. You are doing all the right things, all this worrying is not going to change anything. Relax, try and enjoy her. Forget about what others think. You sound like a wonderful mother.

I found it so hard when my eldest was that age, I was convinced he was autistic, he had speech delay, was late at everything, really hard work, clingy etc. He is 13 now and doing really well at our local grammar school, is sporty and has a big group of friends who he is constantly arranging meet ups etc with. He is also very considerate, good company and is very helpful at home! All our relations love him as he is extremely chatty and goes out of his way to talk to them.

I think you should avoid getting into to discussions about your dd's behaviour with others. There's a real risk of labelling a child as being a certain way (I know you don't want to do that), and children will pick up on that.
I have to watch against it myself, as I have a high maintenance 6 year old (who was a happy baby, and a reasonably straightforward toddler, BTW).
Parenting is a long game, children go through so many different phases and there are always new challenges.
It's really not a case of putting in the right ingredients (your parenting) and getting the correct result at the end.
My ds1 was one of those sunshine children, now he's 9 and has dyspraxia and difficulty handling his emotions, as well as being very moany, & argumentative as is typical for this age.
My ds2, as I've said, is high maintenance, very stubborn, ignores people when they speak to him and is in our bed, disturbing our sleep every night.
We try to find the best way to parent them, taking their individual needs and personalities into account, within the limits of our own abilities.
We also realise that they will grow out of many of these traits, and others (determination, perseverance) may serve them well in later life.

Some lovely stories here about "difficult" children who are now delightful! I think my mother would say that now about me so take heart OP And relax, relax, relax. There's no "should" about babies really ...

SnackSnackEatAndCrave

It sounds to me like you are doing a wonderful job.

We don't know whether your dd is within the normal range or not - but I guess that your HV is monitoring. Either way, it may be that some of the methods that work well for other children do not work well for your dd, and that can make it extra hard for you to figure out what things will work. It may be that doing the very best that you can for her cannot make her a perfectly happy toddler right now. Who knows why! But I'm sure it isn't your fault - you just can't control other peoples' happiness.

I totally agree with posters who are trying to help you find a way of enjoying yourself more and relaxing where possible while looking after your dd. This is your life too you know! You matter, and if at all possible you should find some little things to do that you will enjoy too.

I am actually going to disagree with quite a lot of posters though and say that I don't think that more TV/ipad is necessarily going to help. It depends what your dd is like. If she starts to want the ipad all the time this can lead to more tantrums/make your life more difficult. One poster suggested "In the Night Garden" (the song can still make me cry - what a silly I am!), and I think the idea of picking out one or two shows that she watches every day is a good idea so you can get into a routine with it and won't get demands for more.

By the way, I have 2 dc: the first was affectionate and slept well, and loved to play with toys. The second was crazily clingy (I count this as affectionate!) and barely slept and wouldn't play with anything unless I played too just how she wanted. I swear I parented them the same! I loved them both unfathomably much as I can tell you also love your dd. And now they are both very easy primary school children. The younger one is still quite intense, but that makes for amazing conversations. She also spontaneously sometimes wakes me up with a cup of tea!! Perhaps your dd will be doing this too one day!

I remember visiting my parents with my 17 month old. She screamed every time I left the room. It was horrible, distressing, relentless. I decided as she was still so tiny I just wouldn't leave her. Next time I visited she was fine. If I had decided to just get on and leave her, I think she still would have been fine. She would have grown up regardless of what I did.
My kids only eat at the table, never in front of the TV. It made zero difference to their development, but some difference to the state of my floors. Most decisions are not momentous, so long as the kid is loved and spoken to and treated kindly. The rest is just details.

I suspect a lot of your anxiety is down to a fear that your DD will turn out to have an as yet undiagnosed condition of some kind - ASD, ADHD, etc. You haven't said as much on this thread but I'll bet that's at the back of your head.

If so, I totally relate to that and I think it explains a lot of your feelings. But here's the thing: if she does, that is just the way she is and it won't be because of anything you did or failed to do.

Oh, that baby wasn't a happy baby when she wasn't with me/ daddy / childminder. But that wasn't often, and now she's bigger she still loves us all but has great friendships in school etc. Loves aunties and uncles, as she knows she can trust them to feed her!

I feel like DD and I do have a nice time most days, despite the drama, and I am patient and try not to pressure or push her... But after she goes to bed and I'm cooking, cleaning and reading up on what to do next, I sometimes feel a bit like all my hard work is for nothing and she will just be who she's destined to be.

Could you flip that round and tell yourself that the aim of your hard work is how to find out the best way to parent this particular child with whatever difficulties she has. That your job, and your pride, is to be the right parent for her, not for your friends' children, or the neighbours' children or some random child on the bus?

In many ways I did not get the daughter I thought my parenting would produce. I thought I would have a daughter who'd be stoic and self- controlled and love adventures and the outdoors and roughing it like I did. I thought I could achieve that by exposing her to my world and making it fun. What I got was a highly anxious, extremely clingy child who would have panic attacks at the slightest challenge and was almost pathologically afraid of getting wet or uncomfortable.

I had to start all over again and learn to enjoy the kind of parenting that was right for this child. And that meant closing my ears to family and friends who hinted that she was odd or that my parenting must somehow have produced this odd child.

She is now a young adult, we are very close, and I am very, very proud of her. The most defining moment, the one I think back to when I feel low or doubt myself, happened when she was about 4. We were coming back from the park in the rain, it was a long walk and we were in a hurry, she was tired and miserable and I knew that given half the chance she would throw herself down in a puddle and refuse to budge. So we sang. All the way down the hill along the A-road. And when we got to the bottom of the hill, she suddenly turned to me and said: "You are the right mummy for me". I've lived off that moment ever since.

The point was, you see, that she didn't say "you are the best mummy ever". She said "you are the best mummy for me". That was what was required of me. And by trying very hard to be the right mummy for her, I came to see that she was absolutely the right daughter for me.

In dd's case, many of the difficulties turned out to be associated with her genetic condition. It may be that some of your dd's struggles are related to some kind of condition that will go on shaping her behaviour. In that case, again, you will have to focus your energies on learning to become the best mummy for who she actually is, what life has given her to deal with.

Hi, my very difficult baby is now 22 and is lovely. He has ASD and loads of other difficulties but he works, drives, is very very kind, sensible and just one of the niceset human beings going. I was you 21 years ago. Everyone elses kids did stuff and were easy. Mine had massive tantrums. One good thing though is he was attached to both husband and me and that deffo shared the load and he slept at night.

I took him to cranial osteopathy aged 4. It made a huge difference.

I also realise now that he has sensory difficulties. He is hypo sensitive in some areas so constantly moves, rocks, ect to stimulate himself. Yours sounds over sensitive so read up on hypersensitivity.

I realise now that I lived life on a knife edge of anxiety and he picked up on it. Chill a bit and model happy, smiley behaviour for her to copy. Do not bombard her with language but keep it to two words 'shoes on', look, tractor'. Book time. Easy copiable phrases. What she is hearing is blah blah blah from you. My son would throw wobblies round other people because he couldn t process what they were saying. It was also caused by me trying to make him conform to what other people expect - most relatives having had children in 1950s and early 60s....

I also remember those massive tantrums, trying to pin dd down on the lawn outside somebody's house at a party (she was old enough to do fair bit of damage) and all the parents staring at me as if they'd never seen a tantrumming child before.

Fortunately, I came from a large family and had seen a bit of everything. Still remember my father carrying my screaming and flailing 5yo brother through the streets of an Italian city followed by a crowd of Italian women shouting "beat him, beat him". Fortunately, my father is pretty tough.

I think when you have a more difficult child than average you can put yourself under pressure to be 'perfect' and 'do everything right'. Part of it is the feeling that other people will judge you if you are not seen to be being perfect.

When your stress level is high it doesn't take much to annoy and get yourself worked up. Working on that may help you feel better about things.
What is it about your dd's personality and behaviour that is triggering you? Do you have to feel that you're a perfect mother and dd' s wilfulness and frustration (normal at this age) is showing you up? It might help to talk about the triggers with a counsellor to see if you can desensitise the triggers. Changing your mindset may help get you through these difficult stages. Aim to be "good enough" not perfect because no-one can be perfect.
It will pass. Don't beat yourself up about it.

She is very very young and having some developmental issues.

It makes me furious that healthcare professionals spout such bollocks as
HV, GP and nursery all say there's no great cause for concern and believe she is NT, just a little slower in some areas and a bit of a diva. But all agree that she is hard work

It is nice to hear those things rather than any diagnosis but she is so young you need to watch and see and writing her off as a tiny diva is not helpful to anyone.

OP, I'm glad to see that you are more moderate in later posts, but your posts about the language you're using is ... worrying.

"By using the word difficult, I'm not categorising her, I'm describing her."

'Difficult' has an emotional context, you're not objectively saying specific things she does, you are applying a term with negative connotations. You are labelling her and she's only a little baby still.

Describing her as tricky even before birth because of a difficult pregnancy - that was your body that responded that way, not her personality!

Most of the terms you use about her in these posts here have negative emotional contexts. You need to reframe the way you think about and interact with her.

My DS is 13 years old, has never been what you'd call easy and it was particularly tough around 16 months age for various reasons - I won't deny I found it hard and even now he can be challenging - although other facets of his personality are amazing. He loves wearing odd socks too - I have lost the battle on that one!!

I just wanted to come on and say she will be fine and so will you. You love her and thats enough. I totally agree parenting is a marathon not a sprint - you've got all the fun of school, preteen and teenage behaviour and then all the worries as to whether they can get a job, meet someone caring etc etc to tackle as well as all the other stuff life can throw at you so keep something back!

I fell in to the trap of reading parenting books to get me through motherhood, I'd read my way through every other area of my life and it had worked but really they just added to my already long list of worries. Dumped the books.

If you are worried about her speech it will be worth get her hearing checked and if thats ok do contact your health visitor.

But one last thing, I was labelled difficult as a child and it stuck. It frightened me that I was unlikeable and I buried a lot of my own needs in order to try and be as "easy" as my little brother. It took until my 30's to point out to my parents that as an adult I wasnt actually all that difficult, I am kind, sensitive and actually pretty gentle. In fairness to them they were shocked in to giving it a bit more thought and giving me a bit more credit.
Dont let how she behaves now become a lifelong label - she will change and so will you.

Also, little children ARE hard. I mean they are lovely sometimes but the reality is that being 100% responsible for an egotistical little being who cannot be mindful of your needs AT ALL and who is a physical liability in every waking moment, is very draining.

The beauty of it all only emerges later, when you tell your five year old that you have a terrible head ache and would he please please just this once get dressed quickly for school, and, instead of ignoring you or being unable to imagine life for anyone else apart from himself, he says "Oh dear mummy. You must be feeling ill. Shall I make you a cup of tea?" (I love you DS x).

OP your DD will be learning this too, every time you meet her needs and hold her in mind. She's learning from you. You may not see it, but she is.

Hetero puts it perfectly and this should be written on the bathroom mirror of anyone who has children:

Your daughter can't thrive if she is being made the barometer of your success or failure

We are all tempted to do it, but it isn't right. Our self confidence needs to come from somewhere within, not from another person, especially not from a very little person.

Tbh I think you need to accept that crying in the shower and smiling in front of your dd isn't really the right way to go either. Obviously, everyone can have a short sob after a particularly frustrating day, and I'm not saying the shower isn't as good a place as any.

But your main attitude, your deep-down attitude must be that this child, with all her difficulties and demanding ways, is absolutely the daughter you want and that your aim in parenting her is not to change her into something you can feel better about or that your friends will find more of a credit to you, but simply to give the best life you can to someone you love just as she is.

Fake it till you make it if need be, but this is what you need to be telling yourself. This is how we all need to be loved, at least once in a lifetime. This is the kind of love that will sustain her long after you are gone.