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AIBU?

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Original poster

Sister doesn't want me to have a baby so I can babysit for her!

162 replies

bangingmyheadagainstawall · 13/07/2017 16:14

Just as the title says, I have 2 children and would love a third but my age and stupid contraception choice is working against me so I've been emotionally toing and froing between wanting one then talking myself out of it, lack of sleep again etc. Anyways at my grans today I mentioned it again hoping to get words of wisdom from her as she raised 11 kids and she said follow your heart and only you can decided etc etc then dropped on me Sister won't be happy as she's hoping you become her child minder when she gives birth. While I'm completely flattered by this I was also a bit miffed as sister knew I wanted another baby of my own and certainly wouldn't want the stress of child minding while I had a young baby myself, I mentioned it to her on the phone today and she said, you've got enough kids plus your old why would you put your body through it, you have one of each so no need to have anymore etc etc then confirmed she wants me to look after her baby so she can go straight back to work. Now I'm having a meltdown again thinking it's unfair of me bringing another one into the world, I maybe am too old, do I want to do all the baby stuff again etc...AIBU to think it's cheeky for her to assume I'd babysit and assume my baby making days were over at the grand age of 34 and a half?

OP posts:
rightwhine · 13/07/2017 17:40

Is this a cultural thing - where you will find it difficult to say no under family pressure?
Because I would have immediately put her straight on the phone.
It's rather worrying that you are questioning your decisions and thinking you should look after this baby.
What does your DH think?

Nanny0gg · 13/07/2017 17:41

What does your DP think about having another one?

LalalalaaaCantHearYou · 13/07/2017 17:42

I think if you don't lay your cards on the table very clearly now you will be kicking yourself later.
Whether or not you have a child she cannot dictate this or that she expects you to be childcare
What you need to do first is find out from her exactly what she is thinking and shut down the notion in her head straightaway

Fiachra · 13/07/2017 17:43

It's rather worrying that you are questioning your decisions and thinking you should look after this baby.

Indeed. Tell your sister to feck off out of your fallopian tubes, OP.

MatildaTheCat · 13/07/2017 17:44

'Hi Sister, been thinking about our convo earlier. I've realised I shouldn't be asking for opinions about having another baby because it's entirely up to dh and myself. Nobody else's opinion matters so watch this space. Also, just to give you the heads up, I'm not sure why you though I would be childminding your new baby but I'm afraid this is a massive misunderstanding. I'm certainly looking forward to welcoming him/ her into the family but no more. Have a check on X website for local options. See you soon, not if I see you first, Banging'

Be crystal clear. The comment about your parents I'd disgusting. They must be all of 60 by now? Your sister sounds about 12.

Keep your distance and ignore her ignorant views.

ZippyCameBack · 13/07/2017 17:49

If you look after her baby, do you think she would appreciate it and do as much as she could to show her appreciation? Or would she be a moaning, critical nightmare who undermined you at every opportunity? I know which my money would be on.
I thin it's really quite strange to make plans for someone to mind your child and discuss this with other family members, before even checking with the potential minder. I'm deliberately ignoring the issue of her thinking she has a say in the number of children you have- that's just too insane for me to get my head around!

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2017 17:50

Fiachra has made excellent points.

It sounds like in your family some family members tell others what to do. Are you in the UK? Are there cultural reasons for your willingness to listsen to your sister?

Do not try to reason with her. Imagine her as a toddler. Just go broken record. "I'm not becoming a child minder. I'm not looking after your baby." Rinse REPEAT.

Do not even discuss with her whether you will have another baby.

She sounds toxic.

I'd be putting plenty of distance between us .

If she asks again "Did I offend you." I'd say "Yes, massively. You can apologize and we won't speak a out again."

OP find some assertiveness training. Even the fact you listened to her suggests to me either in your family you get walked over or in your family your sister walks over others - or both.

Nearly10to9 · 13/07/2017 17:51

she just doesn't see the point in me having a baby when she's due hers if I want a baby so much I can just give hers extra love and cuddle

Well she doesn't need to have a baby now,she can just give yours love and cuddles

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2017 17:53

Speak about it again.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/07/2017 17:55

Gosh your sister sounds like a ray of sunshine, my mum had me at 42, naturally back in the 1970's, there are plenty of older parents. She sounds incredibly selfish and self centred.

Windycityblues · 13/07/2017 17:56

34 1/2 is hardly too old to be having DC! If you want one have one, your sister having her own baby is an irrelevance to your own family.

rollonthesummer · 13/07/2017 18:00

Did you actually tell her that don't want to childmind her kids unpaid whilst she goes back to work?

MsLexicon · 13/07/2017 18:07

Blimey. That has to be the longest sentence ever written. Have a baby. Use caesuras.

PsychoPumpkin · 13/07/2017 18:08

I love my younger sister but I would laugh in her face if she told me not to have any more children because of a) my age or b) because she wanted me to be her unpaid childcare. Fuck. That.

Thankfully my sister would never say any of those things so I'm not in your position OP.

Please don't let her talk you out of having another baby if you want one, don't live with regrets & IF you come to some childcare arrangement with her make her pay you the going rate. What you DON'T do to family is take the piss & that's what she's planning.

Glumglowworm · 13/07/2017 18:13

Have a third child or don't, but please don't even consider your sisters childcare arrangements when making this decision

Her child, her responsibility to arrange and pay for appropriate childcare. Absolutely not your responsibility.

Hudson10 · 13/07/2017 18:14

she said, you've got enough kids plus your old why would you put your body through it, you have one of each so no need to have anymore etc etc then confirmed she wants me to look after her baby so she can go straight back to work.

Whaaa?!

Cheeky mare, who does she think she is?! Blardy hell.
Yes, she might have been hoping you could babysit, but she's not entitled to it to the point that telling you you've got enough kids and so you can look after hers instead!
No, you're not too old and all the rest you said, but you need to laugh her off for being the loon she is!

SeaEagleFeather · 13/07/2017 18:14

The only reasonable response to her 'logic' is laughter

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/07/2017 18:20

Oh Lovely, you are a mere pup ! 😂
Your sister is rather entitled .
I hope you have a darling, squishy baby, very soon. X

mickeysminnie · 13/07/2017 18:27

Yes Willow2017, but just because someone expects something from you it does not mean you have to give it to them, unless you actually want to!

ohfourfoxache · 13/07/2017 18:34

She is utterly bloody selfish.

Go ahead and do exactly as you please and ignore the poisonous bitch

RiverTam · 13/07/2017 18:39

What a ghastly little madam she sounds. Well, I would certainly nip any free childcare in the bud (any childcare at all, in fact). I would maybe say that the only think stopping you having a 3rd is the thought that they might turn out as spoilt as she is. I'm not very diplomatic, thought, probably best not to actually do that. But I would still refuse to do childcare.

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 13/07/2017 18:42

So she was assuming that you would be her free childminder so she can go back to work. Maybe you could turn it around and tell her that your plan was either to have another baby or go to work yourself whilst she minds your older two for free.

Tisgrand · 13/07/2017 20:09

Your gran sounds lovely. Your sister sounds ... childish, spoilt, arrogant, selfish, self-centered, and well, what everyone else has said. You need to stand up to her, please! Make up your own mind and do what is best for you. Whats best for you is NOT pandering to your sister's craziness. It's not even good for her, how will she ever grow up if no-one ever challenges her craziness?

BTW, your DM was 38 when DSis was born, DSis is now 22, so your mum is about 60? And that's OLD? I'm offended on your DM's behalf OP! I'm 57 and I don't feel anywhere near "old"!

Ewock · 13/07/2017 20:55

I don't want to offend but your sister sounds horrible and self involved. I didn't meet my now dh until my early 30s. We had our 1st dc when I was 35 and 2nd dc when I was 39. I adore my dc and don't feel that they suffer due to me being older. My ds is now at school and most of the other parents are around the same age. Please do not let her influence your decision as this will lead to resentment. And no way should you fulfill her childcare requirements! Especially for free!

WineAndTiramisu · 13/07/2017 20:57

This is nothing to do with your age, she's trying to persuade you not to do you can give her free child care.

I would ask her why you should do that for free so she can earn a full time wage that your are unable to, see what she says... You sound like you may be accepting this, bear in mind she won't be happy if you're ill, want to go on holiday etc, and you are subsidising her lifestyle with no benefit to yourself at all.

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