Sister doesn't want me to have a baby so I can babysit for her!

[bangingmyheadagainstawall]

Just as the title says, I have 2 children and would love a third but my age and stupid contraception choice is working against me so I've been emotionally toing and froing between wanting one then talking myself out of it, lack of sleep again etc. Anyways at my grans today I mentioned it again hoping to get words of wisdom from her as she raised 11 kids and she said follow your heart and only you can decided etc etc then dropped on me Sister won't be happy as she's hoping you become her child minder when she gives birth. While I'm completely flattered by this I was also a bit miffed as sister knew I wanted another baby of my own and certainly wouldn't want the stress of child minding while I had a young baby myself, I mentioned it to her on the phone today and she said, you've got enough kids plus your old why would you put your body through it, you have one of each so no need to have anymore etc etc then confirmed she wants me to look after her baby so she can go straight back to work. Now I'm having a meltdown again thinking it's unfair of me bringing another one into the world, I maybe am too old, do I want to do all the baby stuff again etc...AIBU to think it's cheeky for her to assume I'd babysit and assume my baby making days were over at the grand age of 34 and a half?

Seriously, someone close the border with Cheeky Fuckerland before any more batshit crazy ladies get out.

She's the one in the wrong here. Don't even think about doing childcare for her, paid or unpaid, because it's very clear that she has no concept of boundaries or respect for your choices.

"You don't do that to family" applies equally to guilting them into doing something for you against their will and controlling their life choices.

Really helpful ifcatscouldtalk I'm sure OP will take on board your comments dick

It has cock all to do with anyone how many chicken you have apart from you and your partner. Close all discussions down with your sister about any future babies.

I'm pregnant at 37 with my first and I don't feel too old! Your sister sounds very entitled expecting you to do childcare for free. Does she expect everyone in her family to give up there hopes and dreams to fit in with her? I am assuming that she has a DP? So both DP and her would have parents or siblings or other family or friends who she could ask to help with childcare? Or they could pay a nursery/childminder if they require childcare. I don't understand why it is your responsibly!

ifcatscouldtalk talks sense

I had my first at 34!

Quite like the idea of going out to pasture, though. It's been a stressful week so sounds pretty idyllic.

Tell your sister to fuck off.

I know another person's experience does not have any bearing but I just want to add my bit. Our third absolutely transformed our lives for the better. My son was 9 and my daughter was 7 when he was born. They adored him from the very beginning. They are all so close and help each other out enormously as adults.

They baby sit for each other, do jobs for each other, offer shoulders to cry on. For OH and I we gained a whole new range of friends through him. We involved ourselves more in the school and other activities as we had a bit more security and confidence when he came along.

Please do t let a jealous sister stop you

Tell her if she is having a baby it's time she grew the fuck up.
What absolute ignorance on her part. Anyone over 30 is Old?!! Remind her of that when she hits 30.

Have as many babies as you and dp want it's nothing to do with her and tell her she had better get organising proper childcare as there may be a waiting list cos you are not her personal bloody servant.

I wouldn't be staying in contact much with someone who is so immature, ignorant and selfish, those comments are a step to far for me. Gawd help the baby.

Bang "Now I'm having a meltdown again thinking it's unfair of me bringing another one into the world, I maybe am too old, do I want to do all the baby stuff again etc...AIBU to think it's cheeky for her to assume I'd babysit and assume my baby making days were over at the grand age of 34 and a half?"

I was 39 before I had my dd.

You are not old.

You are, however, far too interested in what your sister thinks. For a start, have as many kids as you like and can support, second only be a child minder if you want to be one, third, why does your sister assume you would do this for free!

"my sister doesn't want me to have another because she hates having old parents now, she think anyone over 30 should be put out to pasture" Please tell her to keep her offensive views to herself.

"She then text saying she hoped I'm not upset, she just doesn't see the point in me having a baby when she's due hers if I want a baby so much I can just give hers extra love and cuddles." I am surprised you continued listening after she gave you her views on your fertility.

"Trying to explain to her that that's her baby not mine, I want to experience pregnancy again, feel the kicks etc." *DO NOT bother explaining to her why you want another baby it is none of her business.

"I feel crap because she's really stuck the boot in about dd being pushed to one side for another kid!" Your sister is being abusive to you, she is attempting to affect your family in ways that are none of her fucking business. Please, please tell her if she ever speaks of this again you will simply pick up your bag and walk out/hang up the phone. If it happens a lot I would consider not seeing her much or talking to her much. Smile as she talks, let her words wash over you, she is bonkers.

"We never pushed her to one side but obviously a new baby did grab a lot of attention not to the point that my little girl suffered or felt left out though. It's bitchy of her and I really cba with her to argue about it," Then stop, don't do it.

"... just feel like if I do get pregnant my husband and I will be the only ones that are happy about it - which I suppose is ok I don't need her validation." Do not make your baby about her at all. It is none of her business.

Honestly, I would be removing myself from her company, she sounds awful.

OP - there are 2 issues -1. do you want to do free childcare for your sister's child? (her assumption without asking would make me wary as it's clearly goign to be all on her terms and any time you can't, it will be viewed as you in the wrong rather than she should be grateful for the times you have provided free care).

1. do you want/are able to have a 3rd child? 34.5 years old, so 35 when the baby arrives really isnt "old" these days, asssuming you are in good health now, you will still be in your early 50s when your youngest child is an adult, to put in persepctive, the government will be assuming you'll be working another decade and a half after that at least.

age shouldnt be a reason not to have a 3rd, reasons to consider are if you can afford it, have the space, the mental capacity for another child. If you are happy to go back to the nappy and baby days, how to manage the gap with your older DCs being at a different stage.

However, if you arent happy to have another baby due to things like being done with the baby days and not wanting to have to fit a baby into your older DCs' lives, then you equally wouldn't want to do that for someone else's child !

So she gets to go to work, earn her £££ while you do her drudge work for her for nothing.

Then she gets to spend her £££ on what she wants.

And you get? I bet you won't even get a thank you.

oh and yes, don't bother involving your sister into the conversation. I would distance myself a bit. she's trying to use you. IF you and your DH want another child, then have one, announce it after you are pregnant. Don't bother asking opinions.

Make sure she knows that baby or no baby, you will not be her unpaid babysitter.

Then have or don't have, your own baby. You are not too old for having a baby but you are too old for taking notice of other peoples opinions- especially piss takers opinions.

mickey
The issue is that sister doesn't 'want' op to child mind she 'expects' it cos op is too old for anything else and will suit sister to get free childcare so she can go straight back to work no hassle!

She didn't ask op just expects it as she is a spoiled brat.

My grandma was 34 when she had my uncle, and he was a week away from turning 40 when he had my cousin. His wife was, I think, 34 (not sure of her exact age- we're not close but I know it's about there). Also Amal Clooney is 39 and she's just had twins!

You're definitely not too old to have another baby, and don't let your sister make you think that! She might be embarrassed by having older parents but women are having children later and later nowadays so it'll probably be entirely normal for your potential child to have an "older" parent (even though you're not old). Many children nowadays have older parents and in fact, your nibling might be the one with out of the ordinary parents if you're sister is only 22.

Also she is being completely cheeky about this- her insecurities do not give her the right to dictate other people's choices, about children or anything else. Obviously you found out from your gran but since talking to your sister has she even asked if you'll look after her baby, and what exactly does this childminding constitute? It sounds like she's just assuming you'll do it no matter what? Why can she not look after the baby herself? I assume she works and you are a SAHM (sorry if you've already said, and I've missed it) and that's why you'll be available to look after her baby. If this is the case then quite frankly she's pretty irresponsible- what if for example, (assuming you are a SAHM) you need to get a job for financial reasons and are no longer available to look after her baby? What's she going to do then? Or if you decide that you just don't want to do it (and no sane person could blame you after this bout of sheer cheekiness).

Do you know if she has a back-up plan if you won't look after her baby? Or is she relying solely on you? Because- and I know people will disagree with me- I've always believed that unless you are absolutely ready for the huge amount of responsibility and you've fully thought about, and planned for as many eventualities as possible, then you shouldn't have a child, simply because if something does happen and you're not prepared to deal with it, it is incredibly unfair on the child in question.

then stop and don't do it means don't bother to explain of you cba. You should not need to explain.

She actually thinks you're going to give up your job and chance to have a baby so you can work as an unpaid servant to her.

How would you pay your bills and buy food?

I was 36 when I had DD3. Positively ancient by your sister's reckoning then.

It really is none of her business. Tell her that, and tell her that you won't be her unpaid childcare either. Cheeky mare.

My youngest was 6 when I fell pregnant at 37 with my 3rd. That baby is now 16 and is the loveliest, kindest, sweetest soul anyone could ever meet. Without doubt our lives are changed for the better and to think my DC wouldn't be here if I'd thought for a single minute that I was too old makes me want to send you a great big virtual shake through this page and tell you to bloody well have that 3rd baby.

Whether or not you decide to have another baby yourself, OP, do not become your sister's unpaid childminder! It sounds as though she already has enough power in your family without foisting this on you as well. What on earth would you get out if it? I'm sure you'll love your future nephew or niece, but you will enjoy him/her much more if you're not their full-time carer. Also, looking after any baby is relentless hard work and will furthermore restrict your own choices just as your own children are getting a bit more independent. Let her be under no illusion about expecting you to be her unpaid nanny for several years!

Please, please say that you are not going to look after her baby?

Whether you decide to have another baby or not is absolutely nothing to do with your sister, and of course you're not too old at 34. Cheeky cow. As for expecting you to give up any free time you have to be an unpaid child minder to her baby...! Words fail me! No, no, no! She's being pretty childish if she expects you to give up your baby hopes to be an unpaid nanny to hers. Is she even mature enough to have a child? Sounds like a big baby herself and a spoiled brat!

Do you want to be a child minder? If not. make this clear.

If yes, I'd probably advise not to take your sisters kid. Not if someone expects it for free.

Your family, wider family, would they expect it? If so sounds dysfunctional. Sounds like you get told what to do.

Maybe your grandma was happpy to raise 11 kids but it's not the case now that women are expected to look after all the family kids.

Whether or not you have a baby make it clear to your bloodsucker sister that you will not be looking after her baby.

OP, it's your responses that are striking me here. Your sister sounds like a thoroughgoing tiresome princess who has managed to get into adulthood with the illusion the world revolves around her, absolutely, BUT you seem to be feeding this. As someone else said, you care way too much about what she thinks, and your self-esteem worries me -- there's nothing at all 'flattering' about someone assuming that you would like nothing better in life than to be their unpaid childminder! In fact, that's pretty much the definition of an insult to me!

Also, back in the real world outside your sister's little head, there are all kinds of reasons why a sibling wouldn't want to be her sister's childminder to a young baby, paid or not. You having a baby is either here nor there -- you may want to return to work, start a business, go and live in Guatemala, start training for an ultra-marathon once your offspring are at school. You may not want to be tied down to a tiresome, demanding sibling who is unlikely to be considerate with your working hours.

Make it very clear that you have no intention of being her childminder, because if you'd wanted to be a childminder, you'd have done it by now and charged market rates. Then go off and have a baby or not, as you see fit. And let's let go of your sister's own personal myth that 34 is too old to have a baby.

These are ONS stats from 2014:

Babies born in England and Wales in 2014 were most likely to have a mother aged 25 to 34, with over a half (59%) of mothers in this age group. A further 20% of babies were born to mothers aged under 25, while 21% had mothers aged 35 and over at the time of birth.

In 2014, there were 3 times as many births to mothers aged 25 to 34 than to mothers aged under 25 (Figure 1). The number of births to women aged 25 to 34 has exceeded the number to women aged under 25 every year since 1938 except in the 5 year period from 1967 to 1971. In 2014, there were more births to women aged 35 and over than to those under 25 for the first time.