Tmi anal sorry (potential trigger)

[embarrassednamechanged]

Ok, so not sure if I even want to say this but it's been playing in my mind and would like a bit of perspective.

A few weeks ago my dh and I were at a wedding, both very drunk. At the end of the night in hotel room started to get a bit friendly. Dh is behind me and instead of having sex in the normal way he tries to penetrate anally, something I've always been very clear I hate and will never do. I keep telling him to stop and he keeps trying, I asked him to stop 5 or 6, maybe more times. He even spits on me to try and lubricate. He only penetrated a little as it wouldn't go in properly but then he gives up and has normal sex, I didn't say no to that. By this point I was scared he's not going to stop anal and I'm crying though facing away from him. When he'd finished I went to the toilet and cried. He thought I was being dramatic and making a fuss.

We didn't speak about it or have sex for a few weeks after. When we eventually did I said I need to know that you'll stop if I ask you to and explained how I'd felt. He didn't seem to realise I was upset, and he did apologise. We've just carried on as if nothing happened but i still don't quite feel right about it. He never done anything like it before (or since) though he can be persistent about sex.

Aibu to still let this bother me? How can I put it out of my mind? Sorry for tmi

Thank you everyone, I'm still reading and digesting it all. Overwhelmed by the support.

Twice in the past, I felt under a bit of pressure to agree to anal sex. Tried it. Hated it. If nothing else is gained from this thread, I hope it reassures people that it's really OK to say No if you don't want to do something. Anonymous online forums are brilliant for sharing views on such personal intimate issues that we might prefer not to discuss in public

Big hugs to you OP

WelcomeToLTBnet on other threads I'd absolutely agree with you, a lot of MNetters are far too quick to shout LTB for minor things.
Pushing a sexual act on your partner, minimising their clear distress and not realising that forceful sexual contact is not acceptable, ever, is NOT a minor issue!

LTBnet, OP was raped! How can you call that a minor issue??

OP it must be hard to have the realisation that this man that you thought loved you could be so uncaring and inconsiderate of your needs and feelings. It really depends on what happens next and how he responds as to whether you think a future is possible. You need to have serious words and then you and only you will make that decision.

LTBnet

Would you want your wife sister daughter mum to be anally raped? I guess so from your post.

The posters OH tried to put his ding dong up her bum! That's not something to ignore

welcome wtf?!!

@WelcomeToLTBnet the OP's husband is the one who ruined the relationship when he raped her.

MN has been an invaluable resource for many women looking to escape abusive relationships. Your comments are disgustingly inappropriate in this thread.

OP I really wonder if you relationship was at all solid before this happened. You've expressed that he doesn't really listen to you or value your opinion, in so many words, gets in a huff, pesters for sex but won't kiss you, that all sounds very negative to me.

Is there a reason you stayed so far? Do yu love him? Can you not face the future without him/without a husband? are you fearful financially? Are you staying for your child?

You do not need to tell me or us, I am just asking so you can think why you are in a relationship which sounds so difficult even aside from this assault.

For those interested in a male perspective, i read out the op to my dh and he said he would call it rape straight away.

Its a disgusting thing that has happened op, i feel so angry on your behalf.

If this happened to me that would be it - I would walk.

I agree with what's already been said. And apart from the rape, he also didn't even respect you enough to wash himself before vaginal penetration. Horrible!

And If I read it correctly, there is no intimacy in your marriage apart from when HE wants sex? Your needs/desires don't come into it?
That's abuse on a whole other level. Surely this is no way to live. My ex also didn't like kissing, and it's awful and sole destroying - you end up feeling like a sex object being used for his pleasure. And then they play the victim by huffing about it.

Happy to hear you'll be asking for advice. for you.

I think what it comes down to, is will you ever trust him again? Or will you always be thinking at the back of your mind 'This man might hurt me.' Think about that carefully.

He's a rapist and you need to report him and get the fuck away from him ASAP.

Plenty of support for you here. Really sorry he did this.

(Sorry, that was very long!)

User - no means no. Regardless. And accidentally slapping someone too hard in the face can't be compared to repeatedly trying to rape someone when she's already said no a number of times.

Well, you were right about one thing user. Yes, I am going to call you a rape apologist because you are one.

Next.

User the OP had made it very clear that she did not consent to anal sex and her husband continued anyway. There is no question as to whether this was abusive or not, it was clearly rape.

You said he's never done anything like this before, but then say he's persistent about sex.

It sounds like he has form for ignoring your autonomy.
I'd avoid sex with someone who thinks they have a right to do what they want to my body regardless of how I feel.

Pressuring you to have sex that he knows you don't want by huffing, mooning and sulking and trying to make you feel guilty is abusive.

A loving husband who respects and cares for his partner will not manipulate and coerce his wife into consenting to sex, nor would try something you've said is off the cards unless you'd discussed it previously and had said you'd changed you mind, he certainly wouldn't keep trying to out his penis in your anus after being asked to stop several times. He wouldn't continue to have sex with you knowing your upset. A rapist would though.

My Dh would probably like more sex than we have, but I'm going through a low phase, dh doesn't pester me, he doesn't guilt me, he doesn't act like it's hard going, because he wants me to enjoy sex, he wants me to want to, he'd rather never have no sex than coerced sex.

I'm so sorry for what he did to you OP, but it's not right and it's not your fault at all. he will know exactly what he's doing to you, he just doesn't think you should have bodily autonomy. Do you have sex with him when you don't want to in order to get him off your back or avoid him being pissed off?

then took our occasional slightly rough play-fighting too far and whacked me across the face! He didn't realise how hard it was, I tried to ignore how scared I was (thinking I was overreacting because I was sober etc), and afterwards had a cry etc. Brought it up the next day, he was extremely apologetic

Accidentally hitting someone and apologising is MASSIVELY different from repeatedly penetrating the arse of a woman who says no six times, spitting make it easier for himself, then moving to the other hole to finish off and telling her she's making a fuss over nothing when she cries.

The OP also says her husband doesn't kiss her and pesters her for sex, so there is a pattern here. He KNEW she hated anal, he KNEW she didn't want to do it. He has zero respect for her or for women in general.

Your advice here is dangerous. The law says this man has raped his wife. What more do you want? This wasn't rough sex. It was rape. It's not even ambiguous. Jeez.

Mistakes happen

They do indeed. Rape also happens when the word no is ignored. The only mistake I can see in the original post lies with the Husband ignoring his wife when she says no and continuing to try and put his penis in her anus, dirty little bastard that he is.

Alcohol was involved

And? Does that make it ok to put his penis in her anus because he'd had too many ales? Even though she said no?

Your going to start going on next that she probably asked for it because she was wearing a skirt.

In this sort of scenario, a "mistake" is when a man gets his aim slightly off and inadvertently attempts to penetrate a woman's anus. To which the only proper response is a fulsome apology, immediate withdrawal and consent to try again for PIV sex. This is not what happened to the OP

OP, we're so sorry that you're going through this. You've had some great advice and support on the thread from other MNers. But we're sure you know there's nothing like finding help in RL and we hope you can seek that too.

We thought now would be a good time to share a link to our We Believe You campaign. Hopefully there will be some useful information for you there.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you Mumsnet I will have a look at that link. Very grateful for all the advice