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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Tmi anal sorry (potential trigger)

192 replies

embarrassednamechanged · 12/07/2017 22:14

Ok, so not sure if I even want to say this but it's been playing in my mind and would like a bit of perspective.

A few weeks ago my dh and I were at a wedding, both very drunk. At the end of the night in hotel room started to get a bit friendly. Dh is behind me and instead of having sex in the normal way he tries to penetrate anally, something I've always been very clear I hate and will never do. I keep telling him to stop and he keeps trying, I asked him to stop 5 or 6, maybe more times. He even spits on me to try and lubricate. He only penetrated a little as it wouldn't go in properly but then he gives up and has normal sex, I didn't say no to that. By this point I was scared he's not going to stop anal and I'm crying though facing away from him. When he'd finished I went to the toilet and cried. He thought I was being dramatic and making a fuss.

We didn't speak about it or have sex for a few weeks after. When we eventually did I said I need to know that you'll stop if I ask you to and explained how I'd felt. He didn't seem to realise I was upset, and he did apologise. We've just carried on as if nothing happened but i still don't quite feel right about it. He never done anything like it before (or since) though he can be persistent about sex.

Aibu to still let this bother me? How can I put it out of my mind? Sorry for tmi

OP posts:
milliemolliemou · 12/07/2017 23:42

Good luck OP, talk to Rape Crisis and sort yourself out. Is this the sort of man you want your DC to be around? Is there somewhere you can go and stay or are you in a position to ask him to leave? As other PPs have said, don't show him this thread.

Balaboosteh · 12/07/2017 23:44

Sorry but I think this means he could be using porn. Because it's a porn thing - to jam it in the anus without warning - and I've been hearing increasingly of this happening. (Friends and I talk frankly) I don't know whether you call it rape but it's definitely assault. The spitting to lubricate thing is truly awful also - I hate it when men do this for vaginal sex. Like at least find out how naturally lubricated I am before you put your yucky spit on me. To be clear, anal intercourse can be a wonderful thing but it is a practice that needs to be undertaken mindfully. For a start, it makes you very susceptible to thrush-like infections and UTIs. It should be pleasurable and intimate and needs working up to with fingers and touching - the anus needs to be naturally opened through arousal exactly the same as a vagina. And LUBRICATION - a nice smear of Vaseline at least. So sorry this has happened to you.

WizardOfToss · 12/07/2017 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stella23 · 12/07/2017 23:45

I really don't think he realised what he was doing.

I'm sorry but he did, you have been clear in the past that anal isn't on the cards, you said NO, 5/6 times. You were Crying. He still persisted. He spat on you, to try to make it easier for him to rape you.

I'm sorry this happened to you. The poster above who said he's gaslighting you is right. He knows what he did.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 12/07/2017 23:47

That was rape.
(And I say that being a pretty chilled and experimental person.)
And afterwards he was belittling you; humiliating you even more.
How bloody dare he?
How would he like it if he was arse fucked against his will, crying?

This makes me extremely angry for you OP. I'm so very sorry.
I would raise absolute hell.

Balaboosteh · 12/07/2017 23:47

I've just re-read your post and notes that he went on to have what you call "normal sex". That is terrible hygiene practice and a fast road to thrush and UTIs. You okay down there afterwards?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 12/07/2017 23:52

P.S:, Yes, what Balaboosteh just said! Terrible practice. Look after yourself. I hope the nasty horrible bastard got a UTI though.
Yes I am fuming.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 12/07/2017 23:55

If you're in Manchester or Bristol I can point you in the direction of some very supportive doctors who would be happy to help you.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 12/07/2017 23:57

I had this happen, but he stopped immediately I asked. Long time ago, not current partner, never forgotten.

His belittling of your feelings is as bad as the act.

Ask him how he'd feel to have a dildo rammed up his arse without his consent.

JustDontGetItAtAll · 12/07/2017 23:57

Definitely rape. You AND your daughter needs to get away from him NOW.

OlennasWimple · 12/07/2017 23:59
Flowers
maudeismyfavouritepony · 12/07/2017 23:59

though he can be persistent about sex.

How OP?

Goodythreeshoes · 13/07/2017 00:02

So what happens the next time you both have a drink? Or if you are too out of it to fight him off next time. This is really shocking OP.

Wooooo · 13/07/2017 00:02

Your husband is a rapist. Sad

I hope you are coping, and getting the support you need.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/07/2017 00:07

He was pushing his luck though he knew I didn't want it. I guess he thought I'd be less bothered as I'd had a drink. He knew that you didn't want it. You told him no repeatedly and you think he was using our intoxication to get around your lack of consent. That is a rapist OP. Any one of those three things makes him one. All of them together?

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 13/07/2017 00:18

Anal intercourse takes consent, arousal, preparation, communication, respect. There are significant health risks involved if you don't know what you are doing.
I'll stop now and take myself to bed but I am just so incredibly angry and sad for you OP. What he did was utterly degrading (and criminal).

WesternMeadowlark · 13/07/2017 00:50

I'm very glad if you're going to reach out to Rape Crisis, OP.

Being raped is so disorientating. Though it's happened to me more than once, I've still always felt afterwards that everything should feel more... dramatic and clear, somehow.

Instead, everything apart from my gut feelings was continuing as usual. There was nothing outside of myself to say "this is what has happened". It's brilliant that you've posted here at all, well done for that.

If it helps to think of how to proceed as being your choice, go for it. However, you also have the option to bear in mind that anything you have to do as a result of his decision to rape you is down to him.

I was grief-stricken at having to cut one of my rapists out of my life, because I loved him so much, but I came to view what he did as being no different as him choosing to leave me. As soon as he assaulted me, the man I loved was gone, and of his own volition. I think that sudden, violent loss traumatised me more than the attack itself, actually.

Anyway. Good luck, and do be kind to yourself.

BraveBear · 13/07/2017 01:27

If he managed to penetrate you anally slightly and then penetrated you vaginally straight after, you're lucky to not end up with some kind of infection.

I find it astonishing that men can do things like this and not see it as assault. If you choose to stay, do not let him be "persistent" with you anymore. Things only happen with your enthusiastic consent. You are not a porn star, you're his partner.

Italiangreyhound · 13/07/2017 01:30

embarrassednamechanged I am so sorry that he did this to you.

You do not need to say but I am wondering exactly what "Don't know if I'm brave enough to walk away." means. Does it mean you want to walk away?

Thanks
DixieFlatline · 13/07/2017 02:20

Because it's a porn thing - to jam it in the anus without warning - and I've been hearing increasingly of this happening. (Friends and I talk frankly) I don't know whether you call it rape

Putting your penis in someone's mouth, vagina or anus without consent (not to mention without warning) is the very definition of rape. Call it what it is, for god's sake.

shakingmyhead1 · 13/07/2017 02:42

i think you should get him to read this thread, its not you saying he abused/raped you its everyone else, let him see what his actions are perceived as by other people who have no personal involvement in the situation, see if that changes his attitude
and point out "I said NO!" " I said NO 5 or 6 times!!!" " I was CRYING because you wouldnt STOP when i said NO!!!" ask him if your daughter came home ( when shes a teenager) and said this exact situation would he think it was ok?????
I think depending on his answers to the above will tell you if he can redeem himself and if there is a chance your marriage can be saved because after reading this, even if you chose to ignore your feelings and advice of other posters ( not saying you will or are) it will always be in the back of your mind and it will become a huge issue later on in your marriage and eventually your own mental health will suffer, so deal with it now before it becomes something worse

AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/07/2017 03:19

You say you have a daughter.
If, as an adult, she came to you in the future and told you that her husband, whom she had expressly informed that anal sex was not something she would ever be willing to consent to, had tried to take advantage of her being drunk and forcibly tried to anally penetrate her with his penis? Despite her crying, resisting, and repeatedly telling him "no" and asking him to stop, that it was in fact not her very clear repeated refusal of consent, extreme upset, or obvious fear that had caused him to stop, but only because after multiple forced attempts he was physically unable to penetrate her beyond a shallow amount that he gave up, and risked her physical health by then penetrating her vaginally and having sex with her, when she was arguably in shock and still upset and scared so couldn't reasonably consent to the vaginal sex. She describes feeling the exact way you are feeling right now, and he is dismissing her feelings, arguing she was over reacting, and that he did nothing wrong, what would you honestly tell her?

I don't think for a second as a mother you would ever let that man anywhere near your child ever again, you'd want her to access help if she needed it to come to terms with it, and support her to the fullest if she wanted to report him for rape/sexual assault.

You deserve to be protected, safe and loved, treated with respect and your boundaries accepted without question or argument, and for them to never be pushed under any circumstances.

Toadinthehole · 13/07/2017 04:07

I would not dream of treating my DW this way in a million years. I also do not believe that the average man would treat his partner like this.

If a friend told me he had behaved like this to his wife I would be furious. I would probably break off the friendship. I might even inform the police.

I think anyone would be upset at being treated like you have. They should be.

I second the advice above about seeking help.

Your husband also needs to understand how badly he has behaved, however, that is not your responsibility.

Sunnyjac · 13/07/2017 04:08

As other posters have said, this was a criminal act. Being drunk is no defence and would not stand up in court. I work directly with sex offenders in prison and have heard the excuse "I was drunk" so many times. We are each responsible for our own behaviour, the only person in the wrong here is him because you made your feelings perfectly clear. Don't show him this thread, do call rape crisis and talk it through with them. Take their support and reach out to your friends and family for more. And know we're all here for you too xx

julf · 13/07/2017 04:27

I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I don't have any further advice beyond what others have said - I agree with them (except the idea of showing him this thread). I definitely think you should call the rape crisis helpline. Sending you virtual hugs and strength x

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