Tmi anal sorry (potential trigger)

[embarrassednamechanged]

Ok, so not sure if I even want to say this but it's been playing in my mind and would like a bit of perspective.

A few weeks ago my dh and I were at a wedding, both very drunk. At the end of the night in hotel room started to get a bit friendly. Dh is behind me and instead of having sex in the normal way he tries to penetrate anally, something I've always been very clear I hate and will never do. I keep telling him to stop and he keeps trying, I asked him to stop 5 or 6, maybe more times. He even spits on me to try and lubricate. He only penetrated a little as it wouldn't go in properly but then he gives up and has normal sex, I didn't say no to that. By this point I was scared he's not going to stop anal and I'm crying though facing away from him. When he'd finished I went to the toilet and cried. He thought I was being dramatic and making a fuss.

We didn't speak about it or have sex for a few weeks after. When we eventually did I said I need to know that you'll stop if I ask you to and explained how I'd felt. He didn't seem to realise I was upset, and he did apologise. We've just carried on as if nothing happened but i still don't quite feel right about it. He never done anything like it before (or since) though he can be persistent about sex.

Aibu to still let this bother me? How can I put it out of my mind? Sorry for tmi

You had to tell him 5 or 6 times to stop and even then he only did because he couldn't force his way in. This is not the act of a loving and respectful husband. You could also have ended up with an infection going from anal to vaginal penatration.

I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him again. I'd always wonder about the next time he wouldn't respect my boundaries.

If your not sure how to confront you "d" h on this issue, show him the video on YouTube Consent it's as simple as tea

He'd be mortified if he thought he'd assaulted me and he'd definitely think I was being ridiculous if I suggested it

no sweet, he'd act mortified if he thought you might call it what it is!
He wasn't to mortified to do it!
He raped you and now he is gasslighting you by calling you ridiculous for being upset about being raped.

Op, you say you were both drunk, and that he didn't know that you weren't consenting.
Is this really the case? Were you both completely hammered? If so, I think he's probably telling the truth, although I would question how much he can actually remember, so how could he remember whether he thought you consented?

We were both drunk but not out of it. He was pushing his luck though he knew I didn't want it. I guess he thought I'd be less bothered as I'd had a drink. Together 8 years, always been clear it's a no go. He was actively trying for anal it was the spitting that sickened me the most I think.

I'm so sorry, OP, but I'm agreeing with everyone else here. If he'd tried once, apologised for the confusion and not tried again, I could have time for the 'he didn't know what he was doing' idea. He persisted despite your obvious distress. He did this deliberately. This was attempted rape. I'm sorry love

Did you ask him why he tried it when you have expressly said you hated the idea? You couldn't have been clearer about it. What possible excuse could he have?

No means no even when you are both drunk. And when you are drunk, you still know what no means!

How do you feel about continuing the relationship?

I don't know, the thought of leaving is too much. We have a dc to consider she would be heartbroken.

He is persistent and he pushes his luck.
He tried 5 or 6 times, I was crying.
He thinks I am over reacting.

If a friend said this to you about her DH, what would you say to her?

He is a rapist.

Sorry.

You're underplaying it because he's groomed you to accept his sexual assaults ("he can be persistent about sex" - in other words, he nags and guilts you into sex you don't want).

Please call Rape Crisis 0808 802 9999.

They will let you talk this through with them, they will not under play it, they will not tell you you are over reacting or being ridiculous or any of the other things rapists tell their victims.

My sons father used to do this all the time, I absolutely hated it. It hurt and he'd just say "oh come on, please" even though I kept pushing him legs away and saying ow etc. I went along with it because I didn't realise it was such a bad thing, I just thought he wanted to experiment. Only now we've split up do I realise how wrong it was and how it COULD have escalated. Don't ever let someone do something to you that you don't want to do x

I can understand that, it's easy to feel like a change to your life could be too much or an upheaval that you can't handle afternoon something so shocking. Equally, you deserve to be happy and feel safe. Do you feel like you can deal with having a sexual relationship with him going forward?

Show him this thread.

Oh OP

He'd be mortified if he thought he'd assaulted me and he'd definitely think I was being ridiculous if I suggested it.

These two things don't got together - how can he be mortified at the idea of assaulting you, if he wouldn't even take you serious if you told him? If the second is true, that's gaslighting behaviour and is demeaning to you as his partner at best.

Don't show him this thread. It's never a good idea to give your rapist a heads up that you have "told on them".

If you are brave enough to stay with him, then you are brave enough to leave him.
Walk away

At the very least OP you need some counselling so you can sort out in your own mind what you want to do. You are clearly traumatised and these feelings won't just go away on their own. Contact Rape Crises and ask to see someone. Advice/ counselling will be confidential with someone you can trust and who has heard it all before. This does not mean you need to go to the Police or lay charges.
Try to avoid getting intoxicated with your DH and avoid his company when he has been drinking.
Good luck

I understand the rationale for showing him the thread but I really do not recommend it. He is a rapist and won't like to see or hear other people calling him out on it.

Have there been instances where his forceful need for sex has gone past words (not diminishing how harmful they are too) in any way?

Sorry to ask you those kinds of questions OP.

Thank you everyone, I was really worried about posting but genuinely appreciate your responses. I need to do some thinking. I will come back and read any further responses. I'll consider contacting rape crisis tomorrow too. 😞

If I put myself in your shoes yes Id be upset. Im not sure Id leave him though unless there were other reasons there. Sounds like you need to sit him down again & discuss it if you do want to be with him. Other than this incident how are things between you?

I hope you manage some rest OP and you did the right thing posting here. It is very difficult to talk about these things in person but you need any outlet.

I'm glad you are considering phoning the helpline. They will know you are nervous and they are highly trained, caring people who are on your side as we all are.

Be gentle on yourself.

I think you're clear enough about this particular incident. It is what it is, there's no excusing it. I'm concerned about his regular insistence as you call it. It sounds like you're at best coerced a lot of the time

Sorry, Kieraknightly and Littlemylikes are right, don't show him this. Just think what you could do if your daughter came to you with this when she is older. Take care, OP.