Tmi anal sorry (potential trigger)

[embarrassednamechanged]

Ok, so not sure if I even want to say this but it's been playing in my mind and would like a bit of perspective.

A few weeks ago my dh and I were at a wedding, both very drunk. At the end of the night in hotel room started to get a bit friendly. Dh is behind me and instead of having sex in the normal way he tries to penetrate anally, something I've always been very clear I hate and will never do. I keep telling him to stop and he keeps trying, I asked him to stop 5 or 6, maybe more times. He even spits on me to try and lubricate. He only penetrated a little as it wouldn't go in properly but then he gives up and has normal sex, I didn't say no to that. By this point I was scared he's not going to stop anal and I'm crying though facing away from him. When he'd finished I went to the toilet and cried. He thought I was being dramatic and making a fuss.

We didn't speak about it or have sex for a few weeks after. When we eventually did I said I need to know that you'll stop if I ask you to and explained how I'd felt. He didn't seem to realise I was upset, and he did apologise. We've just carried on as if nothing happened but i still don't quite feel right about it. He never done anything like it before (or since) though he can be persistent about sex.

Aibu to still let this bother me? How can I put it out of my mind? Sorry for tmi

It's the trust though. He's done this to you once, how you can trust him ever again? Once trust is gone it's very hard to get back.

1 - He never done anything like it before (or since) though he can be persistent about sex.
Persistent? Does he accept a No from you? What form does No have to take? Do you ever have sex without really wanting to apart from the night you described?

2 - He certainly didn't understand why I was so upset. He'd be mortified if he thought he'd assaulted me and he'd definitely think I was being ridiculous if I suggested it.
You suspect that your feelings do not matter as much as his self image. After what he did to you it is now your job to maintain his precious self image by carrying on as if nothing has happened.

3- I guess he thought I'd be less bothered as I'd had a drink. Together 8 years, always been clear it's a no go. He was actively trying for anal it was the spitting that sickened me the most I think.
You are a sex object to him, not a real three dimensional human, and he has no idea what a relationship with a real, feeling, sensing human requires.

to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
The fact that you feel completely humiliated and crushed shows what sort of a man he is.

Please contact a Rape Crisis Centre. It's not just to try to process the anal rape, but also to process the fact that your H went ahead and 'had normal sex' with a woman who was crying, who had not said 'yes' to the vaginal sex, and afterwards told you you were being dramatic and making a fuss when you cried.

Your H is arrogant, entitled and abusive. He has shown you who he is - and he is completely shameless. He realised 100% what he was doing. He thought you would not realise what he was doing because you were drunk. You said no 5 or 6 times, after telling him previously that there was no way you ever wanted anal sex. That is rape. So was the vaginal sex that followed that he went ahead with despite the fact that you were crying.

You are so unsure of yourself, embarrassed and apologetic. You see no options for you aside from struggling on with the relationship. He is abusing you and gaslighting you with his comments on 'being dramatic and making a fuss' and 'He didn't seem to realise I was upset, and he did apologise. We've just carried on as if nothing happened but i still don't quite feel right about it'. He is prepared to carry on as if nothing happened and has approached you for sex since the incident.
You are being silenced, ignored, and effectively told that this relationship exists for his benefit only.

You deserve so much more than this horrible man. Your H is a very cruel and aggressive abuser. Every time he shuts you down as you try to address what he did he is telling you that you are nothing but a collection of orifices to him. The rape is compounded by emotional and psychological abuse.

Everything has changed now. He has changed everything. The real nature of the relationship is laid bare.

Do not let him tell you otherwise.

Thank you everyone. I feel I need to clarify a bit though, he hasn't gone on about me being dramatic etc since. He made a brief comment like "really?!" and huffed about it at the time when he realised I'd been crying. I've avoided talking about it since as I know there's no point, he'd get humpy about it so I haven't really given him the chance to be fair. He's not a talker and it would just result in a week of sulking if I tried so I've avoided it. We never really have sex much as I avoid it so he does pester a bit sometimes but I do understand that as it is hard not having sex, that is my fault (not giving excuses or self blaming). I find I'm never interested so find excuses not to. He never kisses me which I find hard too (though don't want him to now).

I know it's not a good picture I'm painting but he's not a bad man. I do think he used to watch a lot of porn and his vision of sex is a bit based on that, not sure if he does now but that doesn't bother me really.

I'm strong but I am tired. I wouldn't see this as rape, though I know some do. I do recognise it as assault, so I'm not being naive I just need to ensure perspective and posting here has given me that. Thank you everyone. I promise to do my very best to be proactive.

Balaboo Im not sure how helpful it is to say how wonderful anal sex is after this poor woman has just been assaulted anally

do you want to stay in this relationship from where I sit you sound so sad and blackened by it/him.like its bringning you down beyond the point of just normal partner troubles.(of course I could be very wrong)but you sound lost,a little frightened.and so uncertain of things.of him and how you feel.a relationship should enver be like that hun.
I want to wrap you up.tell you itl be ok.
but it should be your patner doing this for things that hurt you.no him doing the huting.
I don't want to blather on(I do want to haha) but I don't want to say something you might take wrong.or not words what I'm trying to say in the way I mean them.im useless with grammar and being able tp put sentences to the muddle in my head.
but I do want to say take care.what happened sounds so horrible.and worse because how its made you feel.and I'm sorry.
do have anyone around that can be there for you?
take care.lots of it.xx

He anally raped you.
You have to leave him right now, go to a safe place and call the police.
Sex without consent is rape.

I'm not sure the CPS will want to go with it as there is not much evidence and you had normal sex with him after, but by getting the police involved will put pressure on his employers to sack him.

We never really have sex much as I avoid it so he does pester a bit sometimes but I do understand that as it is hard not having sex, that is my fault (not giving excuses or self blaming). I find I'm never interested so find excuses not to.

No wonder you avoid it; there is little that is as much as a turn off as a grown man pestering for sex. More so, pestering for sex when the relationship lacks normal intimacy like kissing etc.

I'm sorry your husband assaulted you. The fact that you think he would "sulk" if you told him that you were upset at being assaulted (raped) by him, and so you're going to try and bury it yourself is very sad. Do you feel that you have to carry the burden of other issues in your relationship yourself with no support from him too?

As everyone has said your husband raped you. He knew you did not and do not consent to anal sex but carried on anyway.

His attitude is disgusting. He's "huffy" about it? Really? He raped you and now he's acting like you're the unreasonable one?!

I'm wondering what form this persistence and pestering takes about sex as well. I hope you know that you don't ever have to agree to sex to appease someone or keep the peace. Sex should be enthusiastically consented to every single time.

Please also consider that your daughter is learning all the time about how men operate and how men treat their wives. She will think his day to day behaviour and actions are normal and acceptable. His misogyny should not be normalised in front of your daughter by your passivity.

Please consider leaving him. Also you shouldn't have needed to change your name to "embarrassed"; you have nothing to be embarrassed about; you were raped and it isn't your fault.

Say the tables were turned and you did something to him that hurt him and upset him. Would you sulk if you heard he cried about it? Would you pester him for sex if he said no?

My advice is to take your time and think about your relationship and how things are and what you want out of life. You don't exactly sound happy.

It's hardly surprising you don't want to have sex with him. He's a sexual abuser and I'm very sure he has done things like this before.

Op I'm so very sorry, but as everyone else has said, you've been sexually assaulted / abused . What concerns me is not only the incident you describe but one of your last lines where you say though he can be persistent about sex this to mind mind is someone who is controlling and you need help, maybe phone rape crisis for advice. Good luck for which ever route you go down , but please do seek help.

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry that this has happened.

Good men don't rape their wives and have them so confused and ground down that they're afraid to bring it up in case it causes sulking. He has done a number on you, hasn't he?

Do not accept his excuse of being drunk. He didn't do this because he'd been drinking - he did it because you had and he thought he'd get away with it.

I am glad you're reaching out to Rape Crisis

^sorry, please don't think I'm victim blaming by mentioning that you had had a drink - you have done NOTHING wrong. Not one thing. This is ALL on him. You had been perfectly clear for 8 years that you didn't want to do this, and were completely clear at the time that this was against your will.

To begin with I thought maybe as you were both drunk and fumbling, he's taken a wrong turn so to speak and wasn't aiming for that.But, with the spitting thing(which is gross in itself) sounds to me like he knew exactly what he was aiming for. Only you now your DH and will be able to judge whether he really understands how serious you are.

know not now

He'd be mortified if he thought he'd assaulted me - really? He'd be mortified if you suggested he'd RAPED you? He really should be! But then you go on and he'd definitely think I was being ridiculous if I suggested it. so he would either be mortified, or he'd think the whole suggestion was ridiculous. Which? Can't be both.

I think you are really confused about a proper, healthy relationship. You don't want sex (that's fine, many people dont) but seem to think it's your fault, when he is the one who doesn't respect your boundaries, your body, your sexual health (going from anal to vagina is really seriously bad for your sexual health)
you don't even want him to kiss you (and who would? ).

You can't talk about it, as he would sulk.

He doesn't validate your feelings, thinking you ridiculous for crying over being raped.
He pesters for sex and sulks.

This is NOT a healthy relationship. I'd get out, and show my daughter what a proper healthy life looks like.

Just reread your OP. You said no 5/6 times and he carried on? You cried and he didn't realise how upset you were? He thinks you are being dramatic? This is very worrying.

I don't know whether you call it rape but it's definitely assault.

What would you call rape, Balaboosteh, if not penetrating someone with a penis when they have explicitly said "no"?

You said stop. He ignored you. It's rape. Doesn't matter that you consented after for sex again. It obviously has affected you as you didn't have sex for a couple of weeks and before you did, you had to ensure he would stop if you asked.

With regards to him not knowing what he was doing, I'm not sure about that. We've had drunken sex and, sorry if this is tmi, he's gone to put it in, missed, although it hasn't gone in the other hole, and I've said, "no stop, wrong hole" and it's swiftly moved to the correct entrance!

The fact he tried several times and used spit to try and lubricate, says he was more aware than he's letting on.

Don't protect him. Don't let him think that this was ok. Why is protecting him your first choice than acknowledging your own feelings of feeling upset by the fact your partner raped you?

I hope you're ok. What are you instincts telling you to do?

Instincts are swinging between leave and bury my head in the sand!

My dd is always protected

Yes, it was rape. I'm sorry .

You mentioned upthread that you didn't want to leave because of your DC. But think about what you've told us. He never kisses you yet pesters you for sex, if something you do (like trying to tell him you were upset that he raped you) leads to a week-long sulk, so you don't try to broach anything with him.... Think about what that atmosphere will be like for your DC to grow up in (because, trust me, that atmosphere will be really obvious). Think about what sort of model of relationships you're presenting to your DC.

I totally get that leaving is hard (emotionally, because you've been utterly worn down, financially, practically, in terms of child access). There are many, many reasons why women in your position don't LTB immediately. But don't tell yourself you're staying for the sake of DC, because really that one won't fly. Your DC would have a much happier childhood without this sort of atmosphere of the hidden threat of sexual violence and her/his father sulking whenever her mother shows signs of being an independent human being.

Sorry, cross-posted OP. I'm sure you protect your daughter physically, and that she's at no risk of abuse - I don't want you to think for a moment that I think you aren't.

But she is being emotionally damaged. There's no way you hide this sort of atmosphere, children are amazingly perceptive. She knows daddy doesn't kiss mummy, she knows that daddy sulks, she knows that mummy is frightened of provoking daddy into sulking. Children read these things, read them incredibly accurately (partly because they don't have the adult training in over-thinking and minimizing all these things).

So sorry you had to go through that OP.

To the echo what everyone else said - yes that's rape and he knows that and doesn't care.he doesn't give a shit that you're upset. He wanted to have anal sex and he is pissedoff at you. He feels he is the wronged party. How fucked up is that?!?!

How can you have sex with him again knowing he enjoyed raping you?

It's a tough call but I don't see how you can stay in a relationship after someone who is meant to protect and cherish you abused you.

If you're going to leave - it would be well worth having this documented GP and Police or whatever even if you don't press charges.

"He'd be mortified if he thought he'd assaulted me and he'd definitely think I was being ridiculous if I suggested it."

Hang on.

He would be mortified if he thought he'd assaulted you, but at the same time, would never believe you if you said that he had?

Which is it? Can't be both.