Tmi anal sorry (potential trigger)

[embarrassednamechanged]

Ok, so not sure if I even want to say this but it's been playing in my mind and would like a bit of perspective.

A few weeks ago my dh and I were at a wedding, both very drunk. At the end of the night in hotel room started to get a bit friendly. Dh is behind me and instead of having sex in the normal way he tries to penetrate anally, something I've always been very clear I hate and will never do. I keep telling him to stop and he keeps trying, I asked him to stop 5 or 6, maybe more times. He even spits on me to try and lubricate. He only penetrated a little as it wouldn't go in properly but then he gives up and has normal sex, I didn't say no to that. By this point I was scared he's not going to stop anal and I'm crying though facing away from him. When he'd finished I went to the toilet and cried. He thought I was being dramatic and making a fuss.

We didn't speak about it or have sex for a few weeks after. When we eventually did I said I need to know that you'll stop if I ask you to and explained how I'd felt. He didn't seem to realise I was upset, and he did apologise. We've just carried on as if nothing happened but i still don't quite feel right about it. He never done anything like it before (or since) though he can be persistent about sex.

Aibu to still let this bother me? How can I put it out of my mind? Sorry for tmi

he hasn't gone on about me being dramatic etc since. He made a brief comment like "really?!" and huffed about it at the time when he realised I'd been crying.
'Really?!' though brief, is a kick in the teeth. As is huffing. It tells you he is not interested in mutuality in the relationship. What matters to him is getting what he wants, which is his own orgasm. I am not calling it sex because that word implies consent and mutuality.

I've avoided talking about it since as I know there's no point, he'd get humpy about it
This is emotional and psychological abuse on his part, after the sexual abuse (and the rape).

so I haven't really given him the chance to be fair. He's not a talker and it would just result in a week of sulking if I tried so I've avoided it.
Emotional and psychological abuse. Sulking and the silent treatment are abusive. He is not a listener. He seems well able to say what he means ('Really?!) and he clearly gets his point across.

We never really have sex much as I avoid it so he does pester a bit sometimes but I do understand that as it is hard not having sex, that is my fault (not giving excuses or self blaming).
It is not your duty to say yes whenever he feels like an orgasm.

I find I'm never interested so find excuses not to. He never kisses me which I find hard too (though don't want him to now)
I haven't highlighted the porn use you mentioned, but it seems to me he has no idea at all how to function in a sexual relationship with a woman. It's not your job to try to teach him this. I doubt you could, because someone who is emotionally and psychologically abusive actually has no interest in a relationship founded on mutual respect.

You said no 5 or 6 times.

What are the chances he was going to take it out and stop if he'd been successful at getting it in.

You were saying no and the ONLY thing that stopped him was that he physically couldn't make it happen.

Disgusting man.

What if your daughter's boyfriend did that to her? Would you forgive him?

to you op. I hope you are still digesting and thinking about all the advice; you will always have support on here. Good luck.

Not to forget it's grim and unhealthy to go from anal to PIV.

OP I ran this past my DH and he thinks as we all do that your DH is well out of order. He said there is no enjoyment for him unless I'm enjoying it. He then said that there must be a much bigger problem in the marriage for this to have happened and for him to react the way he has.

Unless you have a relationship where it has been carefully and explicitly negotiated otherwise (and in such a case, you'd have a safeword you use instead and total trust that your partner would respect it), no means no. Men know that penetration without consent is rape. They know that ignoring a no (aforementioned situations aside) means they are raping someone. They may try and pretend otherwise, they may minimise what they did, but they know.

I'm so sorry, op.

Men know. Rapists don't.

Rapists know, Giddy but they either don't care or the lack of consent is an important part of it for them.

Of course rapists know that penetration without consent is rape. They just don't care.

Don't worry I am not defending rapists, I am defending men.

You simply can't say that 'rapists don't know'.

Too many of them do know full well.

Some of them are woefully under-informed about what constitutes consent, but to say that rapists don't know that penetration without consent is rape, is wholly inaccurate.

They just don't care.

Just for the record, I didn't mean that rapists don't know. My post was to draw a distinction between men and rapists as a pp sounded a bit misandristic.

Men know. Rapists don't.

Don't backtrack Giddy.

I'm not backtracking, I know what I meant. Jeez who'd defend a rapist?

Op how are you Geelong now. Did you make a list of reasons to stay and reasons to go?

In what way do men who don't rape need defending?

Italian - I'm ok, still contemplating. I called rape crisis (twice) but haven't been able to talk to them yet. I'm working up to it. I know the reasons, doesn't make it any easier though

Thinking of you

Do keep on trying

Some rape crisis centres will offer a text/email system so you don't have to speak, and can think about what you want to say/edit it before you send.
Are you safe OP?
rapecrisis.org.uk/helplinesemotionalsupport.php
www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/

thesurvivorstrust.org/
This organisation will support any survivor of rape regardless of whether they report it (as will rape crisis) and might be another place that of can get support/advice.

OP I'm glad you're trying Rape Crisis. Don't give up on that.

I agree it was rape. And he's a further pig for the hygiene aspect.

Your daughter. OP imagine her finding out when she's older that you stayed with her dad after he raped you, because she would have been devastated if the family split up. It's true that she'll be sad. But she'll adapt. Growing up with a mother living with her rapist would be far more damaging and the impact of knowing you stayed for her (and things come out in the strangest ways sometimes) would be utterly destructive.

Protecting your daughter doesn't just mean physically, it means protecting yourself too.

Massive hugs OP, this is horrible, because he is a rapist.

This was clearly rape.

I am so sorry.

OP I am sorry I was not meaning to pester you. my friend has just left an abusive relationship after almost 20 years. she feels so guilty for leaving him even though none of it is her fault.

I just wanted you to think about what is happening aside from this rape.

I do think it is iimportant to remember that it is only because he could not fully succeed in anal sex that he stopped.

And I do think quite aside from this that what you describe is not a healthy relationship for you.

Thinking of you OP. Is there anyone else you can talk to/confide in? Perhaps you could then contact Rape Crisis together?