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Original poster

To troll this wedding dress code, just a bit...

282 replies

badgeronthedrums · 12/07/2017 17:46

Right, I've NC for this (been here since the dark ages) and am going to have to be a bit vague with the details because it's very, very outing and I suspect that some of the other parties are on here.

We've been invited to a wedding and we cannot refuse the invitation, not at all, the kind of thing where the only valid excuse would be being dead. So we said we'd come, DH and I. It turns out that the dress code is black fucking tie.

Now there's a whole other argument about dictating to people in this rather expensive way, but there's also a more practical problem. DH is not a suit person; he does not own one, he did not even wear a jacket to his own wedding. If he hires an outfit, he will look like a waiter. If he buys something, he will never ever wear it again.

I have two questions.

Does he have any choice?

Can the hive mind think creatively and find him something to wear that doesn't cost £700? (he's over 40 and doesn't have an iota of Scottish blood in him). If it was just a little bit annoying this would be even better. I am thinking sequins but he is not.

OP posts:
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Crikeyme · 13/07/2017 21:50

My husband's first dress suit came from M&S and cost under £100 - not sure how much it is to hire one. And then he lost a bit of weight, and realised the next time he needed a suit that Primark did one for about what it would cost to get his M&S one altered.

If he hates suits altogether, he won't be happy whatever he ends up with - but in case you ever get another 'suit only' invitation, just get a plain black one as cheaply as possible and dress it up or down with a bowtie or ordinary tie. I agree he'll feel out of place if he's the one person who didn't do it.

georgjensen · 13/07/2017 21:51

Also black tie does not mean bow-tie

It most definitely does.

driveninsanebythehubby · 13/07/2017 21:53

OP - I've read the full thread and kbdvthibg is confusing me still.... what exactly is your reference to your DH not being even slightly Scottish all about? I don't get it? What do you mean when you say, re the Scottish thing, if it were only a little bit annoying this would be even better?

Ok - personally I think you are being unreasonable and coming across as quite rude if it honest. I don't know if you actually are, or if you're just trying to be hunourous though! You've made it very clear you have to go to the wedding, you've said you like the b&g (but fed up with how seriously they are taking it Hmm) but seem adamant of finding a way of getting one up on them. You really don't sound as though you like them, and it repeatedly sounds like you think you are better than them. You say you didn't take your own wedding too seriously- bully for you! Most people do though as they are normally spending a lot of money on it, only intend to do it once and want it to be perfect for THEM. Them - not you. So rather than mocking them, why can't you just be happy for them and go along with their request?

Black tie doesn't seem unreasonable for a wedding. Unusual to actually state it, but I'd say its because they want everyone there looking smart. I can't remember if it was too or another poster that said it's obviously all about the photos but do what? I would imagine they are paying a lot of money for the photographer and they have in their mind a very specific look they want remembering. I think you said you are family - maybe they want sone really lovely family group photos that they can give as gifts afterwards (for my grandparents I gave them family group shot photos from our wedding as it isn't often that the whole family is togetber for pictures!).

You refer to a cost of £700 and looking like a waiter if he hires one. You sound incredibly stuck up with those sort of comments. I imagine a lot of people in here have hired suits in the past for this sort of thing and might feel offended that you presume therefore that they would have looked like the "hired help" for the night and that this is a bad thing. I don't know where you go shopping, but £700 is nowhere near the sort of figure I'd expect for a tux/suit!

If you are going, you need to start acting like adults, not stroppy teenagers who dislike being told what to do . Follow the dress code and respect the fact it's their special day, not yours. It's not as if they're expecting everyone to go and hire fancy dress/cosplay type of outfits. Only you know if you think they mean proper black tie or if actually they just want people wearing nice suits! If the latter, it's not exactly unreasonable of them to have expected everyone to already have something. Do your part in making sure their day is perfect. You mention that they might come on here so I really hope that the bride isn't on here in tears reading your posts.

If you really can't suck it up (or your DH can't) then grow a pair of balls and just say you won't be going and deal with the consequences. About the only situations I can think of where it would be "impossible" to get out of going would be if you are the bride/groom or are the parent of the bride or groom (and value your relationship with them). If you are the mother of one of them I'm presuming the mother of the groom and your attitude is more about the bride stealing away your son.......

georgjensen · 13/07/2017 21:54

I disagree that all men look good in black tie. Usually the suit is hired and therefore ill-fitting. Often they look uncomfortable, and it's a boring, boring look.

I have never known anyone to hire dinner jacket?

driveninsanebythehubby · 13/07/2017 21:54

*One thing (is confusing me) not whatever autocorrect decided I wanted to say in that first sentence....

georgjensen · 13/07/2017 21:56

Some reduced in the john lewis sale.

Trudij123 · 13/07/2017 21:57

Ball gown?? ;)

w12newmum · 13/07/2017 21:58

Another vote for M&S. there is lots of selection for many tastes and shapes. my DP looks great in his £100 one. I agree for a wedding it is abit annoying to not be able to wear the usual wedding suit/attire but if I liked the people I wouldn't mind too much (and I have never been invited to a wedding of anyone I don't like)

Original poster
badgeronthedrums · 13/07/2017 22:13

I said in my second post that if everyone said that we needed to be sensible, we would. Dinner jacket on order. Am not sure where I am being unreasonable in this, but am happy to be corrected.

Thank you to all the people who have given me lots of sensible suggestions and have - quite rightly - told me that it's not that unusual to have a black tie dress code at a wedding. I'd clearly led a sheltered life until now which has involved a lot of v casual weddings.

And do none of you have - hypothetical example - a brother who you can simultaneously love and think is a bit pompous and like to tease at the same time. Or is that just me too?

OP posts:
LancelotLink · 13/07/2017 22:29

Pretend to have misread the invitation and go in blackface. That'll learn them.

pollymere · 13/07/2017 22:47

Oxfam...my local one actually has a back room full of black tie type clothes. They also have a fantastic online shop. Local charity shops are usually cheaper than hiring.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 13/07/2017 22:50

You can easy get a suit for £100. It really does not cost much.

Unless told otherwise, it is rude to go to a wedding not wearing a suit.

And it is exceptionally rude to even consider not wearing black tie when that's what the dress code specifies.

PickAChew · 13/07/2017 22:55

I bet there's loads of black tie in charity shops, right now, actually, since student ball season is just finishing! So long as your DH is built like a sporty 20 year old!

I have a friend who spends days in charity shops near universities at this time of year as they're full of great stuff that graduating students couldn't be arsed to carry home.

Moanranger · 13/07/2017 23:03

He is not going to be thrown out if he doesn't wear black tie! I've been to loads of supposedly black tie events where the guys just wear suits.
He should dress as smart as he feels like in his own way - nice sports coat, trendy jacket, open necked shirt & enjoy himself!

steppemum · 13/07/2017 23:11

I'm leaning towards bow tie with jeans or put him in an evenign dress!

Serioulsy, everyone will look the same. Hire a suit, chose something he likes eg a waistcoat or a colourful tie, then once you get there he takes the jacket off and just is in a shirt and waistcoat

kastiekastie · 13/07/2017 23:22

Oxfam do an online shop whose ad keeps popping up - maybe try them? It doesn't really sound unreasonable to me to have a dress code, but I love dressing up on the rare opportunity I get to go (it's going to a wedding at all I would have issues with ;-)

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 13/07/2017 23:46

My DH hates suits/ties,but we got invited to (his friends) 40th which was black tie, and he sucked it up. He borrowed a tux from my dad, and we had a great time, even though it felt a little strange being so dressed up in a small pub! It was a laugh, and memorable, and it was actually quite nice to be dressed up together. Just embrace it! It's not going to hurt!!

cabbage67 · 14/07/2017 07:03

I've got a dinner suit for sale on eBay - £20! what a bargain.

Seriously they are cheap on ebay and also lots for sale the last time I looked. They're always in immaculate condition because they are are barely worn.

cabbage67 · 14/07/2017 07:05

Also black tie doesn't have to mean a bow tie. My husband wore a slim black tie at a recent event, and it looked much more modern and less stuffy and waiter like than a bow tie.

thegirlupnorth · 14/07/2017 07:10

Tesco do a dinner jacket and trousers for £70.

Go to the wedding and don't send a gift!

Fabulousdahlink · 14/07/2017 07:39

It's one day. Hire something he can tolerate. If you spend a few weekends trying stuff on, he will feel more accustomed to it. If he can tolerate full length trousers and a shirt for 12 hrs he'll survive! Other choice is make an excuse and go just to the eve do...where everyone will be wearing black tie anyways. If it is family you love...12 hrs in a shirt and trousers is really no big deal. Chances are after the meal he can remove the jacket anyway. If you want to go..he can do this for you. Alternatively go on your own and tell people why he wouldnt come because he didnt want to wear formal wear...sorry to say but it will make him look churlish/petty, but solves the problem. Just my opinion, of course. Hope you resolve it!

soph090874 · 14/07/2017 07:47

Had to hire a suit from moss bros recently and they have a great "look book" on their hire website. Very modern takes on the black tie look. Fitting was properly done very pleased with how the hired suit looked. Nb opted for a skinny black tie rather than dickie bow.
Think with these things you don't need to follow it to the letter - no ones going to tell you to go home if you're not wearing a dickie bow.

CasperGutman · 14/07/2017 08:12

The dress code is unreasonable, assuming the wedding is in the daytime. Evening dress should not be seen in public before the cocktail hour. Are the bride and groom American or something?

Your DH should wear a morning suit and show these people how it's done!

Sorry, came over all "Dowager Countess of Grantham" for a moment there....

coddiwomple · 14/07/2017 08:27

Your DH should wear a morning suit and show these people how it's done!

regardless of the correct etiquette, the rudest thing you can do is pointing out mistakes to someone (unless it's your child).

Mittens1969 · 14/07/2017 08:36

The dress code is OTT, but it's the one the bride and groom have chosen, so you can suck it up for a day, and then pull their legs about it afterwards, depending on your relationship with them.

Is it maybe something the mother of the bride thought of, and she's paying? My DM had some weird ideas, which we managed to shoot down, thankfully. She liked the idea of a stretch limo (made us think of the mafia!) or even London taxis lol. But fortunately, DH was organising the cars and he had his heart set on a Silver Shadow rolls.

Weddings are a good source of humour afterwards.