To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

[shadycornerofthegarden]

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

I agree re life coach comments. They might be useful but it's a bit like 'what you need to do is.. Xxx idea that avoids answering the actual question.
I think your mindset has changed so what you used to tolerate seems like it shouldn't be tolerated. Coincidentally this is one of the thinks life coaches say.. What are you doing that needs too much energy to tolerate..

I think it's either them or you trying to get rid of your job. So listen to those signals.. Understand them, feel why they exist and work towards changes if the effort is less than the negatives of tolerating them...

I just wanted to offer my sympathies on the job situation OP. I am in the same career as you part time and everything you have said about it struck a chord with me. It feels so hard to walk away from a job with such good stability/holiday entitlement/salary, yet every teacher I know is really unhappy. It is hard to know what else to do job wise when you are qualified in a particular profession and it's so hard to find part time positions elsewhere. Sorry that I don't have anything helpful to add, I just wanted to say I understand what you are feeling about the profession and I am experiencing similar situations at work.

Thanks Lottie

I really appreciate your kindness but just the same I'm not totally sure you do understand and it's a misunderstanding that has permeated throughout the thread.

I don't want a career change, don't want to be a private tutor, a TA, an office worker, a SAHM, a FE lecturer, exam marker, and so on.

I know teaching can be a PITA but I trained in it and I liked it. Then a new HOD and new HT and I have a target on my back.

I'm sure in a different school things would be okay - but I have to get a job first. And that might be difficult. So it looks like the stars have conspired against me and I will be a SAHM.

It's really, really not what I want, though - but I guess we don't always get what we want.

Hi, sorry I think I was projecting my own thoughts onto you, as I keep trying to think of alternative careers at the moment! I have moments of loving teaching, but struggling with the constant pressure/senior management/being judged etc. I appreciate what you are saying- you love the job but want to find a school where you feel happier but part time jobs are so hard to find, aren't they.

With regards to references- I worked for a head that gave all of her leaving staff negative references to sabotage them karma has got her now.

All of the staff successfully secured new jobs. I asked for a copy of the reference and addressed it at interview last, factually and without emotion. I got the job, the new head encouraged me to get my union involved but I just wanted to be done with the whole thing. Spent a few lovely years at that school until I decided to become a sahm for the preschool years (then changed my mind as we had no money!)

So don't give up yet. It's hard but doable. You sound in a very negative spiral. I hope things get better for you.

What jumped out at me is the fact thst your husband wont take your child to nursery.
That is the basis of your problems right there.
Control and undermining.
No wonder you are stressed.
That is not the behaviour of a loving, supportive partner.

PPs are bullying the OP here, and it's disgusting to see.

It's not "bullying". It's calling her out on her poor behaviour posting style. Just because some people are treating you badly, it does not give you permission to treat others badly.

Listen to yourself, trying to justify the dogpiling and sniping and unkindness to someone going through a very difficult time as "calling her out on her poor behaviour posting style". It's bullying. You can tell yourself otherwise, of course, and I'm sure you believe it. But I don't have to.

(Maybe take your own words to heart- you don't have permission to treat the OP badly.)

Schools are NOT happy places atm.
I made the mistake of raising an issue with my line manager recently and instead of help I got a really nasty rant back . I won't be doing that again. And am job hunting in the meantime.
I am not a teacher but have worked a long time as support staff and up to this year, have loved nearly every minute of it. Now I'd rather be a shelf-stacker in a supermarket, or flip burgers at McDonalds, than do another minute in this toxic environment.

I think handing in your notice for Christmas is a good thing. From what you've said that's what they want and now they will probably back off.

I've worked in education and it's a ballache at times. I think set classrooms should be a standard at all levels. When it's your room the students respond to your rules so much easier. Your right about low achievement meaning low behaviour at times it's proven and it's absolute. You've got a term left have some fun with them. What do you teach? Spend the term building up resources that test behaviour measures or subject measures so you can try the things you've always wanted to.

Maybe you will end up being a sahm until your baby goes to school and that's fine. Your emotional well being is more important. Maybe when your feeling a bit calmer about work you should tackle what's going on with your husband.

If you want to be a teacher- a teacher you will be. You'll get there.

On the subject of the counselling/life coaching. A few people have referred to them as scams etc. Life coaching I'm a bit wtf is the point of that about. But counselling I've had and it was good. But it's not for everyone and it certainly isn't for someone who doesn't want it.

From where you are now a few thousand pounds and a good reference seems as though it would be quite a good result?

It's not fine, Booboo

It's not fine at all.

Sunshine maybe it looks that way. (An 'agreed' reference isn't necessarily the same as a 'good' one, by the way.) But given I have done nothing wrong, losing my job, losing my income, losing my status - it doesn't feel like a good result, I'm sorry, but it doesn't.

Have you applied for any other jobs, OP?
If you like teaching, why be discouraged that there are no jobs out there for you just because your current one is unsuitable / awful / unfair?

You are ambivalent about being a SAHM and I understand that. But if you were a single parent you would have no choice but to carry on working in your current job, or get another one.

You need to sort out your confidence. Your colleagues and managers are undermining you and so is your DH, so it's not surprising that it's low. But you need to find some support elsewhere or do it on your own. Maybe don't do anything till after the summer. build yourself up. make some plans

you are in a great position because you have a professional qualification and experience in the field you want to be in. You have one child whose childcare requirements are going to go down over the years .You are not in a great place right now, which, to be honest, is a. something that can happen in all careers, and b. is often related to a period of maternity leave (however unfairly). So the question is how to engineer your career into a better place.

Your dh is a separate issue. he isn't good for you. Don't try to use him for support. but don't worry too much about what he wants. Make sure you keep and indeed build your career.

OP please post on the education board.

Have you spoken to your union?

You union should be able to help you negotiate a good reference.

Sorry I didn't mean to disregard how upsetting it would ultimately be. In an ideal situation I'd be able to say so this this and this and your work will stop being assholes and your husband will step up to support you how you want to be supported.

But toxic schools never heal. Simple as that.

Husbands don't always manage to step up.

And sometimes gifting yourself a year or four out while your child grows and then returning to work is the finest situation of all. It's not great but in the grand scheme of everything that could be going wrong it is fine.

You will find another pt teaching job it might take time but you'll find it

"But given I have done nothing wrong, losing my job, losing my income, losing my status - it doesn't feel like a good result, I'm sorry, but it doesn't."

You're right. Don't give up!

The union haven't been much use. When () capability becomes an established fact they will step in I suppose.

Actually, if I was a single parent, I wouldn't be able to work at all, much.

Er, why? Asking as a single parent who works f-t.

I know that being treated unfairly can make you feel horribly stuck - it took me several years to get over my experience of it. May have missed it, but are you proactively seeking out your next job? You can sit there listing all the reasons why it will be hard, you just have to get stuck in and do it.

I mean that getting an agreed reference and some money is better that leaving with no money and an unknown reference which is what the outcome will be if you just hand in your notice. Set against an acknowledged background where it seems unlikely you are going to get what you actually want (the position at school to change so that everything is fine) leaving on agreed terms with a little bit of money might be the best of the current realistic options?

I mean this kindly OP because I really do feel for you, it sounds like a really miserable place to be where you feel anxious and uncomfortable both at work and at home but your attitude at present comes across as very defeatist. From where you are now I don't think that you are in the right place to look for other jobs, to be honest you sound as though you might be depressed.

I hope that some distance from what is clearly a thouroughly hideous workplace helps you to feel a bit more positive about looking for other jobs as it's clear you're very passionate about teaching and it would be a shame for the profession to lose someone that dedicated to the job. Good luck.

Jesus Christ.

I think it's you tbh. You're coming across as extremely rude.

OP, just rtft. Not harping on about this but when I read your response to the life coach suggestion I was a bit shocked. However when you mentioned Forever Living, it made so much sense! Far too many 'Boss babes' referring to themselves as life coaches trying to nag the world into joining their team.

You seem to feel very trapped. Your DH is not helping matters at all with his attitude. He has no right to dictate how often your DC goes into nursery when he is completely unwilling to take any sort of career hit. Plenty of kids are in f/t nursery, and it doesn't adversely affect them at all. If you don't want to take that course of action, that is entirely your choice but if your DH is telling you this is how it is, then he is utterly wrong UNLESS he is prepared to sacrifice too. Being able to apply for f/t jobs would really help your situation and I would suggest that if you want to remain a teacher you start looking elsewhere asap.

I wouldn't worry too much about the poor reference. I used to work in HR and while a positive reference is usually a condition of employment, it is quite often obvious which were made vindictively. It takes a special kind of person to give a poor reference, most would sooner say nothing than jeopardise someone's chance of future employment so we always used to take the (extremely rare) bad ones with a bit of a pinch of salt. I'm quite sure that if your HOD did follow through on their threat to give a poor reference, it would not prevent you getting another post.

I'm very glad you've come on here to talk it out, but I hope that you have someone in rl to sound things out with too. Sometimes a fresh perspective is all you need. I hope things improve for you soon.

I don't think the Op is coming across as rude. To me it reads like desperation combined with exhaustion.
I've felt similar before when in the throes of a black depression. One of the things I find at those times is that I absolutely cannot make any decisions. OP you sound like that, to me. Please see your GP.

I think one key problem is that you want to be a part time teacher, however you admit there are very few jobs. You won't get a great reference atm so I can totally understand why you don't think you'll land one of these jobs.

It seems for many reasons best that you leave your current job. Your options after that are:

Sahm
Ft teaching
Supply teaching

Ultimately you need to decide which is the best option for you and your family.

I might be wrong but it doesn't appear that you're open to the advice, sympathy or understanding of anyone who's posted so far.

Those who have offered empathy and seem to be in a very similar position professionally have been told they don't understand and all suggestions offered have been brushed off as unsuitable.

If nothing changes, then nothing changes. It seems so obvious but you do seemed resigned to unhappiness when it's only you who has the power to change that.

You might have to search out some creative solutions or accept a less desirable outcome for now as part of a bigger, longer term plan but if you do nothing, you'll change nothing.

Could you contact a few supply agencies and ask them about part time hours? They will know what is possible. You might be able to keep your hand in doing supply for a while until your DC is older and you could consider a full time role?

I'm aware of supply teachers that are part time and only do specific days due to childcare and have work 90% of the time.

I'm aware of teachers who have had long periods of wrs and got new jobs whilst on wrs.

I'm aware of teachers who've got new jobs whilst on mat leave even.

Unless you're in wales where I think it's a bit different there's a shortage of teachers generally. If you're m4 you're pretty cheap for say a 2nd in dept or assistant hoy. Think up if you want to stay in state schools not across as it's less grind. There'll be jobs in Sep/oct advertised which are worth applying for even as an academic exercise.

Are you the poster who posts very similar stuff quite regularly? If you are you should spend some time examining why you are prepared to stay unhappy. Best of luck