To be unable to work out if my job or my husband are the problem?

[shadycornerofthegarden]

After returning from maternity leave after February half term, it's been made clear to me I'm not welcome at work.

I feel constantly sick and scared about going in.

Every day I think I just just hand in my notice and be a SAHM. Should be easy - my husband earns enough, we have enough for a happy if rather meager existence if we stayed in our current property (big mortgage)

What puts me off doing this is I'm not completely happy in my marriage either. I'm definitely not at the point of leaving. I was raised to believe you stay with the father of your children. And our baby loves his dad.

But I feel like I am stuck. Stuck in a horrible job and I can't talk about it with the person I'm meant to be closest too as he will just tell me to leave with just a bit too much light in his eyes. nd that scares me.

Ok I just looked that up, they can but have you really done so bad? You are saying lack of confidence? Is this just your own issues chewing you up and making you think that they will? Can you get signed off for awhile to give yourself some space?

They will say in my reference that my observed lessons are bad, classroom management is poor, and book scrutinies have been unfavourable.

All is unfair, but ...

I'm near Glasgow if you need someone totally unaware of you as a person to sit and have a coffee with and off load. You sound like you are drowning in a mountain of everyone else's shit.

Honestly I was in a similar position before I fell pregnant. We had a failing department and there were people for no reason singled out as scapegoats for no good reason other than they might not fight back it was horrible and the lies were awful. Workload and expectations were ridiculous. I just left it was all a disgrace.

Could you negotiate with your headteacher an early exit which you say is what they want in exchange for a purely factual reference. I.e. They worked these dates.

There isn't a school around that wouldn't expect a period of maternity from women with a certain age range and it won't be held against you.

Could you look at maybe taking a step sideways and do teaching assistant or similar role purely to replace that poor reference?

Aren't unfavourable references unlawful, now?

The fct that you are more concerned about what your husband thinks and wants trumps what you need is a concern. He is not more imortat than you in this relationship. Even if he earned 10 times as much as you could, he is not more important than you.

But teaching is a bugger now. I got out when all the current shit was just emerging - working in an "improving" school while going through my own personal hell and I could not bring myself to go back after maternity leave. I couldn't give the job the everything it needed, never mind the then some (though looking back, they'd have been welcome to my firstborn!!) There's a few "what now2 type threads on the education forums which might be useful if wanting to take a step into a healthier environment and still do the enjoyable didactic stuff.

I think it's a real shame you can't talk to your H.

Cant you ask him not to suggest you give up work, but just to listen to your worries about work?
If you discuss it with him, it should help.

You should also ring the teachers service suggested upthread.

Have I got this right... You like your professional role/career but your manager/ senior team is rubbish and unsupportive. Your partner is also fairly unsupportive because basically he'd prefer you not working at all/at home with dc. But he won't do any childcare/pick up/drop off because.....(well god knows... because it's women's work ?? Or maybe your career/life goals are less important??). If suggest job hunting/supply (have had teacher friends with similar shit, reference has been ok, new team much better) and possibly couples therapy

I have been in this situation - there are no easy or perfect solutions.

You need to sit down together as a couple and really work it out. What level of financial support is he offering if you stay at home? Will his money be family money? How long does he see it lasting? How will he support you when it is time to return to work? Will you have any personal down time to yourself?

Me? I went and got a new job - based on the answers to the above questions our marriage would never have been sustained with me being financially dependent on him. Oddly now I am happier again the marriage is functioning well again. Yes - I did have to go full time again, but my children are slightly older so it is not so extreme as youngest is at pre-school now anyway and eldest at school. You may decide to play a long game. Good luck whatever you choose.

Childcare benefits both of you. Consequently it is deducted from both salaries (or joint) and both of you should ensure it happens (ie dropoffs). If your husband refuses, this is abusive. Don't laugh it off. It will affect whatever career you want to do.

If your husband doesn't like the idea of FT nursery he can just go part time instead, can't he? Or is it magically far harder for a man to do that? Seconding the suggestion to post in relationships.

I think you need couples counselling with your DP - it is not an equal relationship if he does not see that half the childcare costs and associated work (drop off and pick ups) should be shared by you both.

Do not give up your financial independence!

If you're not happy at home I think it's important to maintain an income, though ideally away from the horrible school who are trying to force you out.

I agree with the other posters who say you may as well apply for FT posts but say you're looking for PT work in the application/cover letter. There's no harm in asking, and it may be that school's will think you're a good candidate and make it work, and/or struggle to find someone full-time.

I have a friend IRL who keeps pushing life coaching on me. No idea why as not once have I expressed an interest or shown any enthusiasm whatsoever. How unfortunate that your thread go derailed when you wanted practical advice, not a referral.

Also just want to add that stress is pervasive. It's hard to tell whether your problems with your DH started before the work issues, though, having both experienced and seen others stressed at work, it can have a dramatic effect on self-esteem and confidence which can make every element of life feel like an uphill struggle.

It's difficult isn't it.You need over the holidays to take a good hard look at your marriage.You say you believe you should stay with the father of your child and the baby loves him.He believes that now you have a baby you should be a traditional house wife and is making life difficult by not helping to take/collect your child from nursery to coerce you.
You are hating your job but feel trapped as giving teaching which you love means getting back into work will be difficult and you are then completely stuffed if you decide you have to seperate from your partner.
Apply for any jobs going,at the very least you'll know if your Head has given you a lousy reference.If only full time is available work out how you could manage it,your baby will be fine in full time nursery it's more whether you can face being apart for so long.
Do see your GP as you do seem depressed and no wonder.
I would also hate life coaching,I just can't work that way and lots of people lecturing on how good it was for them doesn't change that.Ib your case to you already know what your choices,options and consequences are and that doesn't make things easier.
I wish you all the very best making these hard decisions but take sometime to relax and enjoy your baby during the summer.

Life coaching and counselling are frequently scams, offered by either outright con artists or deluded, clueless twats, so it seems entirely reasonable that OP rejected them as a solution.

Op's unhappiness and comments about her H suggest that the problem is more likely to have its roots in the behaviour/attitude of the H. Men who are wildly enthusiastic about their female partners giving up work are very often excited by the idea of having a woman who 'knows her place' and who can be coerced or guilt-tripped into doing all the domestic work and obeying her owner rather than having the nerve to consider herself an equal partner.

I would not do life coaching unless I had a personal recommendation by someone I knew and trusted.

I agree that the husband seems to be at the center of this. I am sure that some guys might love their wives to be SAHMs because they are caring people who feel protective and don't want their wives to get stressed, and think that being a SAHM will make their wives have an easier life. But it's clear that the OP feels uncomfortable with her husband's attitudes and behaviors. I think it's pretty off that he is pressuring her to have another child but is not doing much of the work with the one he has.

You have had some good advice about work from other teachers on here, OP. The holidays are coming up and everyone is frazzled this time of year (hot, impatient kids who don't want to be there...). Don't make any rash decisions right now--wait for the holidays and use them as a chance to do some thinking (and planning).

They will say in my reference that my observed lessons are bad, classroom management is poor, and book scrutinies have been unfavourable. All is unfair, but ...

Op, can I ask what you are doing about it then? You admit in a previous post the issues exist, but things like classroom layout cause it. What is your solution? Did these issues exist before? Are they existing with the person who teaches the rest of the time or in that room?

In my experience sitting down with those that are giving you unfavourable reviews and coming up with a plan to address, then implementing that plan is the key to resolving it. Have you done this? I think you sound defensive, which is fair enough, but it doesn't help fix the problem, nor does saying it's impossible and not fair.

Why not have a last shot at it. Make an appointment with hod to discuss an improvement plan, discuss each issue one by one and come up with a plan to address and resolve it, then have regular follow up meetings to discuss progress.

But how can I apply for and obtain a teaching position with a shocking reference, young baby and period on maternity leave?

I was a teacher (in a different country, but this principle might still apply) and applied for, and got into, a highly competitive course which was a professional qualification - one year full-time graduate diploma - recognised outside teaching and was undertaken completely at my department's expense and on full salary and with expenses thrown in. Everyone who was accepted was at the top of the pay scale and therefore quite expensive.

Anyway, one of the lecturers had been on the selection committee and, later on during casual conversation, said that they never paid all that much attention to principle's references on the grounds that they can't be trusted: someone could get a glowing one because the school wants to get rid of them, and others a poor reference because the school wants to keep them. The latter is rather mean spirited but believable. The interview was what they went by. Since then, I have observed similar situations over and over again. References seem to come a reasonable way down, after the right qualifications, varied experience in extra roles, a well-structured CV and most importantly, reasonable presentation in the interview.

Also, don't discredit the value of people you know in other schools or with whom you studied.

Again,I must emphasise that that is where I worked, and could be completely different for you.

Can you tell us more about the union being unhelpful? What did you ask them, what did they reply? I wonder if perhaps you are not communicating what it is you think you are communicating. That's not a criticism of you, it's just sometimes it is really tough to be clear when telling someone else what the problem is and what you need. I'm going to recommend a book AGAIN: Nice girls dont get the corner office. I'm sure your local library will have a copy.

As a PP said, it's all about working out next steps. We can suggest, but ultimately it has to come from you.

I would ask to have a meeting with your manager (HT?) and ask for support in turning some of these work issues around. Is there a more senior colleague who could mentor you? What exactly is it about your planning/marking etc that needs work? I would be positive, enthusiastic about the role/school and open to listening/accepting negative feedback and seeking solutions.
You then have six weeks to make a real effort to put an improve plan in place for when you return.
You do sound resigned to failure but it doesn't have to be that way.
I'd possibly to tempted to get on a bit more of an even footing at work before thinking about tackling the H problems. It's unacceptable that he isn't prepared to support your choices emotionally and practically.
I know you're closed to outside help but it sounds like you're suffering from depression and anxiety from the symptoms you're describing and feeling everything's hopeless. If you could speak to your GP and think about medication/other support it might give you the kick start you need.
I'd recommend reading 'change your thinking with CBT' Dr Sarah Edelman, to help recognise destructive thinking and how to overcome it.

Hi. Yes, being a female part time teacher in the state sector is no fun. Actually, you might be better off working full time. Once you are experienced you need to start looking for jobs in the ?autumn term. The trainees won't be applying for them so you have more of a chance. I would look for full time as well then if you get the job, work for an academic year, prove your worth then drop to part time. The private sector might suit you and possibly may have more part time jobs going. What subject are you? If you are science then you could have three heads, a tail and still get a job.

I think your main problem is your HOD and you've missed the time when she/ he was setting their stall out in terms of what they want. Teaching is miserable without supportive colleagues so I feel your pain. Are you in an academy?

School hols are starting in a week.
Use that time.
Take on board all the comments that the HT and HoD made. Ask for some support if need be. Put things in place so that they can see a mark improvement (that way when you leave, you WILL get your positive reference).

I agree that your main issue is your DH but not having a job is going to put you in an even more difficult position to sort thing out because he will have 'all the power' (as in the financial power and the possibility to put pressure on you - what will you do wo a job and no reference??)

So IMO your main focus just now should be work.

Fwiw I still think you Would do well with some sort of support. Is there anyone that could guide you/give you advice re work? Like a mentor.
If you we doing your job well before going in ML, there is no reason why you can't do it now!

Thanks for your answers.

Bluntness, the point is, I have bottom sets. There is a strong correlation between poor behaviour and low ability. That has nothing to do with me. In addition to which, I took them on mid-year. It's not that I am "admitting" I am a bad teacher, more that it's very difficult to be a good teacher in the conditions I am working in.

In any poverty stricken district, taking the children from all the primary schools with the lowest literacy and sticking them all in a room together will result in chaos. Add to that numerous staffing changes, room changes, children coming and going and an SLT determined that we are a good school (we aren't!) and that chaos is magnified.

It is hard to settle them due to having to scurry from one room to another with books, pens etc. Normally I would have books out ready for them.

Anyway, I'm not going to be opening myself up to a further kicking from HOD or HT by meeting with them.

I've decided to hand my notice in for Christmas and hope they'll back off now.

OP before you hand in your notice it might be worth speaking with a solicitor. Do you have legal cover on your home insurance? That will often cover employment disputes and they might assist you. It might be possible to negotiate an agreed exit. Even if all you get out of it is an agreed reference it might make things easier for you in the future?

How old is your DC? Christmas is 6 months away so perhaps by that point you might feel more comfortable with the baby attending nursery full time? I'm completely with you on the not putting babies in nursery full time if it can be avoided but I think once a child approaches 2/2.5 it's slightly different. From what you say being able to work full time would significantly increase the options available to you. Would looking for a job at a school with a nursery attached be an option?

It doesn't especially bother me but DH wouldn't have it, ever.

From reading similar situations the best I can hope for is an agreed reference and a couple of thousand pounds in a settlement agreement.