Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

[tallulahturtle]

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

I don't really get this. It seems totally, utterly reasonable that parents would want to have photos and/or video of their child's wedding. It would pretty sad if they weren't interested.

And let's be honest, they're going to be far more interested in seeing their DS and their side of the family than in focusing on the minutiae of what the bride was up to. She seems to have over-inflated her importance to the PIL in a slightly teenager-ish way.

Also the 'self-conscious' excuse seems pretty implausible - the DB and SIL took the video to PIL's house so they could all watch it together, after all, she can't have been that mortified about it! I'm quite introverted/self-conscious and there is absolutely no way I would ever have a wedding video made, let alone hoiking about to the rellies to have a 'fun' time watching it together.

I would just repair the rift and try your hardest to do it . There has been a rift with my brothers wife since a wedding and it's never been repaired and it has had terribl consequences as I have never seen my brothers children . It's a long street but the police were called as my brothers best man was hammered and stole a bottle of whisky by climbing over the bar . He scarpered and when the police got there I had no idea he had done this and was acccused of it . My brothers wife has blamed me and my brother never stood up to her . It's all heartbreaking but my advice is try your hardest to build the bridges. The more time that passes the harder it will be and Good Luck 💐

Cornwall how awful. That is really terrible.

NamedyChangedy I'm so sorry for the stalking that happened.
"My MIL thinks nothing of enquiring about my constipation at the dinner table in mixed company which I find incredibly mortifying. That was just after I'd had DS1 which sparked a huge argument." How terrible.

"... booked a rabbi to give DS a circumcision (also without telling me)!!" I think I would have banned her from my life.

"And her family thinks her behaviour is normal as they've been exposed to it all their lives." It's so the opposite of normal!

I second "spoke to her one-on-one rather than en masse" Even though I am an extrovert I like to get to know people on a one to one basis, it is much easier.

Anatidae "...frankly being a quiet person in a world full of loud, overbearing folk is hard enough. I don't think extroverted groups realise how much they grind quiet people down."

I find people who are very quiet quite hard to be around too. It does work both ways to some extent. I find that very quiet people can make the extroverts do all the work talking. I am extrovert and married an introvert. Luckily we did the Myers Briggs together so we know we are different and we try and give each other space to be different.

Well I think she sounds a complete and utter pain in the arse. Life is too short to pussyfoot around people who are so ridiculously sensitive.

My brother has been married to someone much worse than like this for over 32 years. We have precious little to do with her and she made my mum's life an absolute misery by the unspoken but clear threat of banishing her from the grandchildren. Sil then had the nerve to flounce about my mother's recent funeral arrangements, which weren't to her liking.

Sorry, not much help, but you have my sincere sympathies.

It sounds like she is very insecure.

I expect she was bigger than she wanted to be for her wedding day, felt terrible about herself and now feels even worse knowing that copies of a DVD showing her at her perceived worst are now in the hands of friends and family.

She can't help but feel like this, but it's obviously irrational.

Your poor brother is stuck in the middle of this mess.

Contacting his parents to ask for the DVD back is making it easy for her to carry on unfortunately.

Ilovetolurk why is it wrong to compare people to animals? They are actually very similar. You know we are animals, right?

Are you a real greyhound?

find that very quiet people can make the extroverts do all the work talking

But there's no need to talk all the time? Why not just have a bit of quiet? Why does every moment have to be filled with yapping? Why are people uncomfortable with silence?

There is no 'work' with talking. If the other person isn't enthusiastically yapping back, perhaps stop? There really is no need to fill every moment with chat. It's ok to sit in silence, it really is.

I just read that back and it sounds rude, which isn't my intent. It's just like having a constant sensory barrage 24:7 with some people. you do eventually zone out.

Ilovetolurk I'm 100% real, but not a real greyhound!

TBH I would have thought that someone who is good with animals would have a little more insight and sensitively than you are showing. How would you treat a horse that was shy, nervous and stressed by too much stimulation?

I am trying but I am still failing to take this comment seriously

Greyhounds are lovely by the way

Perhaps she's very very shy and is an introvert? You'll all have to just tread slowly & lightly.

My sister in law is a real scitz, I honestly never know if I'm in her good books or not as it changes so much and I've never been told why. Same with my mum and the whole family really. Over 20+ years of it we just don't take any notice and think she's on one again and know she'll come out of it at some point for some other unknown reason. She didn't have a dad and has spent her life making my brother prove that first she, then the kids when they were born, are more important to him than our family. It was never a competition!!! She tried to ostracise the kids from us but that failed as they got older and made up their own minds.

Honestly don't know why, she's like it with her own family as well so we don't take it personally anymore. It's just her. My poor brother used to get really stressed about it but he's the same as us now, it is what it is and we don't let it get in the way. She always comes back round after a while.

You don't live in Bedfordshire and have a first name that starts with an L by any chance do you, OP?

Anatidae

"But there's no need to talk all the time?" There is not. But often it is how people find out about each other and develop relationships. EG at work.

"Why not just have a bit of quiet?" Quiet is fine but all sitting together in silence feels weird sometimes

"Why does every moment have to be filled with yapping?" It doesn't

"Why are people uncomfortable with silence?" I find silence OK when I am alone (asleep!) but I find a kind of group silence hard. I've been on retreats, including silent ones. I am working on it.

You probably know that extroverts recharge with activity, talking etc and introverts recharge without that. So extroverts chatting are recharging their batteries, as introverts need time alone. My colleague said the other day, I need at least 20 minutes or whatever or time alone to recharge.

"There is no 'work' with talking. If the other person isn't enthusiastically yapping back, perhaps stop?" Yes, that goes fine if you are trying to get work done and a colleague will not leave yo alone. But on holiday, down the pub, etc. I can't sit there in a group in silence.

"There really is no need to fill every moment with chat. It's ok to sit in silence, it really is." Maybe it is OK to you and maybe it is OK a lot of the time but my experience is that in social situations conversation is expected and then sometimes I can feel that I am expected to carry that conversation. Much as I am energized by talking having no feed back etc, no cues is annoying. My husband does this. If I ask if he is listening, yes he is. He doesn't want me to stop talking, but he doesn't give me any of the social cues for conversation. As an extrovert that is frustrating!

"I just read that back and it sounds rude, which isn't my intent." I am sure you do not mean to be rude but your previous post did come off that way to me as an extrovert. "It's just like having a constant sensory barrage 24:7 with some people. you do eventually zone out." I get that, I had that yesterday, I was doing a work task, I was in a rush and I had to listen to non-stop chat. I must admit I find it very hard to actually tell people to stop. Maybe we need an international "I am not interested" signal!

maybe

I can see it from both sides, different folks different strokes and all that.
I would write a little note saying sorry for ordering the DVD without thinking about it we didn't mean to upset you (maybe with a little box of chocolates) Minimal note not loads. If your parents do order another one you are taking a risk Sil can never find out so you are keeping a secret. Anyway, I generally find the easy does it but direct and honest approach works well. We have an introvert in a large family who will just say I'll not attend that the crowd is too big. Or I'll only stay a little while. We accept that and everything is fine. If kids do come along it should be fine for brother to take them to granny and grandad's without mum occasionally. A little give and take honestly and understanding from both sides.

I'm pretty much NC with my brother and his wife over stuff like this.

Part of me thinks that, like in my situation, by the time you've clocked there's an actual real problem the problem could be so deep seated that there's no getting over it and it's always going to be awkward/impossible and/or she will cut you out of her life anyway (and so why not get the video if it's what you want, hell, why not wear a tshirt with her face on it - she's never going to like you anyway, why not just do what you like).

Or, maybe, if you tread really carefully this is redeemable and you should try to do that and that includes not buying a new DVD.

I tried for the second option, but given how things have gone part of me wishes I'd gone for the first!

I've been informed that I've been photoshopped out of the photos (I don't know if it's true but it's what I've been told). And the only time I've seen her was at my mother's funeral. I'm not sure that their children would be able to pick me out of a lineup (maybe because I look very like my brother) and I'm not sure that mine would be able to identify my brother (maybe because of the facial similarities) and they certainly wouldn't recognise his wife.

Ilovetolurk mmmmm Italian ones are the best!

OK, I did not say it, someone else did. But it makes a lot of sense. If you love animals and you are used to them you know that some pets, love attention, they will join in with anything, in the middle of the mix, they are vocal and they love fun. But some pets (animals) do not, they hang back, they are shy. If you have ever had a rescue dog or cat you will know they cannot stand too much attention and too much petting before they snap.

So the poster was I think meaning, if the SIL is a nervous or shy type, she will most likely find a lot of friends/relatives all at once too much to cope with - just as my cat would (does). So with a more timid animal you might
Wait for them to come to you
Pet them (in this chat to the SIL) but not over crowd them, give an escape route if it is all too much

If the SIL is a sensitive or shy person the fact the OP seems to meet her with her dh and the parents (her parents, SILs PILs) then this may be all too much for her if she is a more private person.

I think that is what the poster was getting at about reading and understanding an animal or reading and understanding a person. BUT I can stand to be corrected.

Thanks italian 🙂 I think I just get frustrated because the world is set up for extroverts and introverts are always seen to be odd/rude/in the wrong etc. It's as though quietness is viewed with suspicion.

I accept that everyone is different and everyone is energised by different things. I need quiet time - it's physically and mentally painful for me to be around people and noise and constant forced socialisation all the time. Similarly I have friends who are actively uncomfortable, even scared, to be alone. We are all different and I just get quite vexed that extroversion is seen as the 'better' way to be. You can see this on the thread - introverts saying 'well maybe there's an issue here be sensitive' and extroverts calling her a loon and an abuser...

Enjoy your silent retreat - that sounds blissful!

Ok I only got to page 5 so may have missed something but initial feeling is maybe she is anorexic/ bolemic with huge body confidence issues. Does she eat at these meals? Does she go to the loo a number of times during?
I could be way off but u never know. X

You make a good case greyhound

I'm not convinced though that horse whispering is the way forward for the OP.

This is mirroring my sil almost exactly . My parents have been so good and tried to make her part of the family but it seems they are only bothered with if sil needs something . It's got to the point where I don't have anything to do with her or my brother as I abhorr the way they have treated my parents . I really don't think things can change , it's sounds that things have gone past the point of change.

I'd point out to your brother that your parents paid £50 for a video of his wedding, and therefore it's their copy to keep. Also, as you were all actually there on the big day itself, surely there's nothing on the video that you didn't see that day anyway?

That aside, I think perhaps you ought to have a discussion with your brother (and your SIL too probably) about what the issue is. My brother married a woman who slowly and methodically began to cut him off from our side of the family by acting in a similar fashion to your brothers new wife. Thankfully, I had one of those moments in life where you feel you can take on the entire world, and waded in (or as my DH calls it, I went 'Roar Bear'). Tackled it head-on, talked a lot about differing points of view, feelings, etc, and she and I now happily call one another sis. I'm not suggesting you'll end up there, but unless you talk things through, you'll never understand where she's coming from with her thinking, and that leads to making assumptions, which in turn can lead you up entirely the wrong path of thinking. She's probably doing exactly the same thing about your family, making assumptions and worrying a lot about the 'what if' scenarios that are going through her head. Talk, talk and talk some more is my advice.