Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

[tallulahturtle]

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

No you are completely right Italian. It was a serious comment as the OP said she has a yard, so she must have some skills in reading animals and I thought she might usefully apply these to people.

However I am glad to have provided some amusement

I would have a private word with your brother to see if he knows what your sil's problem is. Maybe she feels a bit shy/overwhelmed by youball and unsure of herself. I think there is a vanity issue but agree it's best to try yo sort it out.

Anatidae the world has changed and the more extrovert American way has become more the norm. I'm told American introverts find it especially hard.

I think you make lots of good points and i will try and be more considerate of the introverts in my various circles of life.

Back, sorry very busy day in the office!

Regarding my horse skills, I have done join up with horses many a time but am not considering a career in it 😀

She was a bit bridezilla, however we gave her the benefit of the doubt and put it down to nerves but looking back yes it seems bridezilla now.

During wedding build up and the days before ( was in Cornwall so lots of guests made a weekend of it) they would often plan something -a big meal with all the family both sides was one thing that was planned as she has talked about it at length as to where we were going and what sort of food they did. Then about an hour before we were due to sit down for the meal it was announce that she just wanted a quiet meal just the two of them. So about 30 people had to them find somewhere alternative for dinner all at once. When a table had been booked for the whole party.

Some of her family were a bit peeved as they were really looking forward to it but I was happy with whatever as I just wanted a quick meal and bed anyway (it may surprise some of you that although I strip off on beaches I am not an extrovert or one for big group things and loud affairs :) would much rather a quiet meal.

It's all quietened down at the moment going to leave them be for a bit and let it all calm down. In horse speak, they have been turned away in the pasture for a bit.

I will give my brother a call at some point and just see how it's going.

. It does work both ways to some extent. I find that very quiet people can make the extroverts do all the work talking. I am extrovert and married an introvert

Me too and whilst we are at home alone it works well actually, but when we are in company I find it stressful as its always me entertaining guests talking but then perhaps having to do food, serve etc as well. Then dh gets annoyed as he does all the work but I have said to him one of us has to talk to our guests!!!

I also find going out for a meal stressful as he will sit there and not talk or make effort to make conversation I have to actively say to him.....can you please on this rare occasion think of things to say to entertain me. Its almost like the setting makes him go funny, he will visibly flop in some places! At home conversation does ebb and flow normally but as said - in company or out...its strain.

Well MN never fails me.

As someone who is not from the English/British culture these types
Of things are just baffling to me.

Stopping parents from being involved in their children's lives?? Their marriage?

You know in many cultures parents and inlaws are revered and treated with respect and dignity. Grandchildren are a joy for them and new parents enjoy the benefits and comfort of having family to support. Families gather together regularly and mingle happily.

But not in MN land. Never in MN land.

Donttouchthethings Thu 13-Jul-17 10:49:37

Excellent post esp about the different perspectives on relationships, op stripping off in a bikini with her dad is very different to sil doing so, maybe your dad is a leach? Maybe he or your dm has made in appropriate comments to dsis?

I think there is a reason behind her extreme reactions and I wouldn't just write it off as crazy. You love your dp you cant see any wrong there, but that does not mean they have been totally great with your dsis and her view and experience is valid too.

Then about an hour before we were due to sit down for the meal it was announce that she just wanted a quiet meal just the two of them.

That does sound like she might have been very anxious and couldn't go through with it.

SIL sounds very selfish and obviously doesn't give a damn about other people. How bloody rude to cancel an event an hour beforehand!

"maybe your dad is a leach? Maybe he or your dm has made in appropriate comments to dsis? "

Jesus wept!

I don't care if she is shy/introverted, there's no excuse for rudeness. The dinner incident was incredibly rude and self centered, her reasonings are totally irrelevant. Suck it the hell up and be a grown up.
The wedding video reaction is pretty odd. She sounds like a princess diva, so I don't see much chance of a positive relationship amongst the family in the future to be honest. Just let this go though, I don't think your parents should bring it up again. You have directly had nothing to do with it so just keep out and carry on as normal.

Well I agree with this lady. A wedding video and the photo's are very special to the bride and groom and their children. I do not have videos of my daughters getting married as they wanted to invite me over to watch the video and look at the photo's. I asked my daughter to sought out a photo of the bride and groom for me. That way my daughter knows that she has approved of the photo in my house. It's the sister-in-laws wedding. Why shouldn't she be fussy or particular who sees her special day and I'd be more concerned about someone posting pictures of me on social media as they are not private and can be copied and down loaded by absolutely anyone.

OP if you're still reading, I used to feel like your SIL sometimes with my MIL. E.g. when my MIL showed pics I had put up on facebook to her friends and acquaintances that I didn't know, I asked DH to ask her to stop and I also stopped putting pics up there. She also tends to ask lots of what I feel are quite personal questions, even though she's just wanting to show she's interested in my life and cares for me.

Looking back on the 15+ years I've now known MIL, I know when I felt like that, I was struggling with depression and anxiety, and felt intruded on and judged all the time by these people who I was being forced to have a close relationship with although I hadn't chosen to marry "them" but only my DH. Now I'm happier I look back and think how silly and precious and prickly I was with some things.

I'm not sure what advice to give you, other than to just maybe leave more time between seeing them, change how you meet up (shorter coffee? just call your brother to stay in touch with him, rather than meeting for long lunches?), so she doesn't feel its so much of a burden on her, and hope with time she can relax a bit more with you. Maybe with her own family so far away, she resents you because you are not them?

Blowingthroughthejasmineinmymi bloody hell... SNAP! It's got better, we've been married over 15 years.

The bride should be in charge of her own wedding photo's. It's up to the bride to decide if she want's to share her wedding video and photo's.
Does the mother-in-law also want a photo or video of the happy couple on their honeymoon. Back off all do gooder mother-in-laws.

I think this situation isn't really OPs business tbqh. It's something that's happened between the couple and the parents. OP perhaps you should step back and let them sort it amongst themselves, contemplating phoning to apologise and whatever is totally daft as it's got nothing to do with you. I don't mean that rudely, but it simply doesn't involve you and any sorting out needs to be between them.

More than once in this thread I've noticed you taking things far too personally or putting yourself at the focus of a situation unnecessarily, and I think it would help a lot to take a step back from it.

@ IG. Glad to hear someone else has same

BR why Jesus wept?

I caught my FIl trying to cop a look at my breast when BF dd. I never thought much of it - but then friends have told me they noticed he has an eye for the ladies.

Its not un common, my own ex BIL was very in appropriate with my cousins, trying it on and my own DF made in appropriate remarks to DB previous GF.

We all however think - or usually do our own DP are the normal ones. And we all usually feel need to defend our dear parents, but the reality is they may have said things that have upset your sil.

Surely the best thing would be to realise this and try and get the truth out of her in a kind genuine way...

" sil i hear your upset about the video, its perfectly normal to want a copy of your childs wedding and I am really concerned that we - they / I have un wittingly upset you in some way and thats why you dont want us to have a copy, have we upset you, " etc etc etc.

Personally I would have been thrilled if my PILS wanted wedding photos - or a wedding video.
In spite of being with dh for 20 years, there is not one photo of me in that house, and yet sils first DH whom was with her about 2 years - and divorced for 5 years is still up there in photos and her new BF, but not me the mother of the GC and the long term wife

Why should the bride be in charge of the wedding photos? Shouldn't the groom also be involved in any decisions about them? In this case, the groom was happy for his parents to have a copy of the DVD.

no way round it but to gently ask what's going on I think - If you can take her out for a coffee great, but she sounds like a very anxious person and you can't necessarily get over that (perhaps she can but that's another story). If you can't, then just as softly (because he loves her) ask him what you could do to have a better bond. You sound caring and not bitter at all so bet you're doing everything 'right' anyway. Families eh? Weird but not as weird as families in law (joke! ish)

Either she's weird and anxious or weird and controlling. Keep an eye on whether she might be trying to drive a wedge between your family and DB and distance the pair of them from you all. Or perhaps she is just very very private. As long as DB hasn't changed since he's met her maybe you can work on getting closer.

Maybe it is because she is new to the family and is not aware of which people enter your parents home. And therefore thinks her video could be shown to people she doesn't really know. A wedding video is a personal thing.

And to be totally honest with you I wouldn't want my in-laws to be showing the wedding video to anyone without my permission.

Even if they say they won't it will probably be at the back of my head as they have a copy.

When people asked for our wedding video we said they could come to our home and watch it. Because if given to them they could be showing others and passing it on etc.

I think it's understandable but maybe she should have given a explanation. And maybe your parents should have considered asking first as your brother only mentioned that the photos can be ordered not video.

OP I feel sorry for you and your parents. Personally I believe marriage brings families together. I would want a copy of my brother and sisters videos although I'd probably not watch these for years but later in life to remember the good old days.
My mum always says to us marry or get married to someone with family values as we are a close knit family.
Get to know your sil before this distance has a greater impact. Meet her for lunch or coffee
Although I'd like to know did her parents get a video given they live abroad (ask your brother since he is fine with your parents getting one).
She should embrace you guys given her family is far - Do they have friends (brother & sil) since sil likes their own space

I don't get the meal thing, did sil and db go to the restaurant still and the restaurant were ok with a last minute booking reduction of 28 people? Why not just go there anyway even if just your family side if they weren't there?

Think some people are reading far too much into this. Parents wanted a copy of video, which sounds perfectly normal. Sil sounds like hard work, but it doesn't mean that matters need to be discussed. As the mil I wouldn't apologise again. My sil has caused misery to my mil with this type of behaviour, she's 80 years old and still walking on egg shells with her after almost 30 years. Bloody selfish.