Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

[tallulahturtle]

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

I think you are being kind by looking for excuses for what is selfish self centred behaviour . Listening to other friends and acquaintances , it deems that quite often family dynamics are changed forever when this kind of person . Having said that I blame the brother just as much .

Haven't read the full thread.
There is no rule that families must get on or that they must look out for each other, just live your life, don't let DM impose her wishes for a close family impinge on your life.
Your DB has chosen who he has chosen. If you don't hit it off with her stay away.
My DM coerced the everyone together story. Since she passed away we have gone our own happier ways- I wish she hadn't contrived the happy families idea at all.

*Then about an hour before we were due to sit down for the meal it was announce that she just wanted a quiet meal just the two of them.

That does sound like she might have been very anxious and couldn't go through with it.*
If I felt I couldn't go through with big family meal, planned with my involvement, I wouldn't get someone to cancel them all , and then go anyway though! That's just really mean, and put a lot of people out!
If you felt anxious about a planned meal, surely you'd not go and say you felt unwell, or go somewhere else for meal, leave them all to it, and explain it was all a bit much through dh. You don't get nervous, and make 30 people cancel to accommodate your nerves!!

people need to stop making excuses for her. If you are an anxiety ridden introvert that can't speak then you would not be organising a meal for 30 people in the first place. You would not be having a massive wedding with photographers and videographers either. Sound to me she is difficult and demanding and is used to getting her own way. If you pander to it, it will get worse not better.

I notice Tallula that you are ignoring many of the comments and have fixed on the fact some have said she's controlling There was also anxiety and body issues mentioned. You are not inside her head unless you get to know her one to one you'll never get to know her.

Maybe the husband wanted the meal and she freaked out just before. It's all speculation and rather unfair as she can't give her side of the story.

"and rather unfair as she can't give her side of the story."

Fascinating that nobody ever says this when it's a thread complaining about pils.

And fascinating that it hasn't stopped people accusing the pils in this case of a range of unacceptable behaviour including sexual impropriety!

She sounds very hard work op. I would wish them well from a distance and just support your parents here.

She's a trouble maker best just smile and nod aba don't engage

Fascinating that nobody ever says this when it's a thread complaining about pils.

People would, if such little information was given on the PiL's alleged 'wrongdoing' as there has been here. If someone started a thread along the lines of 'New PiL, who I'm not especially close to but never actually had a real issue with up to now, have changed their mind about x,y and z. On the face of it they seem to be unreasonable, but such stubborn behaviour isn't the norm. Should I assume they're difficult people or put it down to a one-off oddity?'

I would quite happily say there wasn't enough information there about the PiL to make a balanced opinion. It could well be a one off for their own personal reasons, it could be the start of a difficult relationship now the 'boundaries' have changed due to marriage. Without a history of unreasonable behaviour on their part, and an OP who isn't aware or accepting of rude behaviour on their part, it all becomes speculation without evidence on both sides of the argument.

What really isn't helpful is descending every in-law thread to 'PiL can never do right, can they!' - sometimes they can do wrong, even if it's unintentional or they can't see the harm in it.

"
What really isn't helpful is descending every in-law thread to 'PiL can never do right, can they!' - sometimes they can do wrong, even if it's unintentional or they can't see the harm in it."

Absolutely. Of course they can. What with being human beings.

Not suggesting that anyone blame the PILs either. Just that there are 2 sides of a story. Her DB called his own DW ridiculous to his mother behind her back with no explanation either of what the problem is about the DVD and is on the phone constantly trying to smooth things over. It all sounds v odd. The meal bit sounds the worst part rather that the DVD. That was extraordinarily rude, if they didn't want to have the meal together they should have let them all stay and go somewhere quieter. The DVD sounds like it could be an issue of being personal and not wanting people she isn't close to viewing it i.e. If they show friends which I can imagine was the worry. I think you need to calm down and stay out of it. If your DB with all the phone calls can't explain what the problem is I would leave it and he certainly shouldn't be calling his new wife ridiculous, but should be talking to her. It is hard to get close to new family and it doesn't happen over a few meals out. You need to take them up on their offer to stay. Have you offered the same since you refuse to go? Have a relaxed meal bottle of wine and get to know each other properly over a weekend. You need to build the relationship if you want to continue to see your brother or don't want them to end up divorced.

"Not suggesting that anyone blame the PILs either."

Well, lots of people are. It was even suggested that the OP's dad and brother had been sexually inappropriate to her!

And if I was being ridiculous about something, I see no reason why my dp shouldn't tell his mother that he thought I was being ridiculous-it's a partnership I'm in, not a cult!

Or maybe no one has done anything wrong.

Maybe it's just two very different styles / ways of relating / personalities.

Maybe PIL are pushing for involvement , contact, lots of long meet ups because that's what they like and to them that's showing an interest in new DIL.

Maybe DIL prefers less involvement, privacy, fewer shorter and less noisy meet ups.

Maybe one party love pub lunches with the noise, music, lots of people, buzz, pub food and drink.

And the other hates noise, beer, pub food, smoke, busyness.

MIL thought that buying a video would be no problem , ignoring DIL sdiffidence on the matter because son said it would be ok. And son preferred an easy life with PIL to easy life with wife.

DIL is left feeling anxious and wary of them . PIL can't see what they have done wrong.

Son is ( I assume ) a relatively young man who is negotiating a new family set up and working out where his loyalties lie. He's maybe not getting it right first time, that's not a crime.

PIL are new to this too and haven't yet leaned that pressurising their son to do what they want against his wife isn't wise. Again they are just learning. Some people find it hard to accept their adult children having partners and different priorities and loyalties.

No one is right or wrong, they are just different. And ascribing malicious intent ( she's an abuser, they are interfering, she's a nutter, he's a letch ) isn't really helping.

And as PIL are older and wiser, they need to be the grown ups here and be sensitive, understanding and accept their DIL with open arms and open hearts. Otherwise the situation will get worst and they will lose their son and any GC.

PIL will sometimes upset DILs and vice versa. Hopefully at some point they will find their feet and compromise for each other and start to rub along nicely.

This won't happen though if there is a meddling SIL. You sound like a stirrer to me. Your mum shouldn't be discussing this with you. My parents have never, ever discussed any bad feelings with my SIL's with me and I have never had a cross word between me and DB's wives in the 40 years I have known any of them.

My husbands sister stirred the pot quite a lot between me and PIL. Once when I was visiting from overseas she asked me how many nights I was staying at my mums compared to MIL's. This was in front of MIL. When I replied 7 nights at my mums and 6 nights at MIL's she rolled her ayes and went "oh I see". She also told everyone for years that I was mentally unstable after an episode that lasted 2 weeks when I became distressed at living overseas and feeling isolated. Although MIL and I are both very feisty there were times when we got on well and really respected the others strengths. In the end though SIL's constant negative drip feeding to MIL led to me just giving up on the relationship and becoming indifferent. I rarely see PIL or SIL now and because I don't make an effort my DH doesn't bother either. They have missed out so much because DH is the only one with DC.

Well, lots of people are. It was even suggested that the OP's dad and brother had been sexually inappropriate to her!

Posters putting their own narrative on the PiL is not ok. However, from what the op has said about them still making a copy of this DVD when it is obviously a hugely contentious issue, there is no denying on some level the PiL are behaving unreasonably. It's not wrong for some posters to point that out.

I don't think they should have made a copy of the DVD either. But it seems pretty small beer compared to the "they must all be destroyed" drama.

But it seems pretty small beer compared to the "they must all be destroyed" drama.

It does, but there could be so many reasons why the bride is insisting on this. We'll never know the full story of that I'm sure. On the surface she's being unreasonable but suggesting she's a loon or worse, controlling and abusive, is wrong. I choose to believe the op's story, and with that in mind that there is real married couple behind this. Some of the advice or opinions given on here, adding own versions and horror stories based on one unreasonable event could cause serious damage in their real life. I think people should keep that in mind based on what actual little 'facts' there are.

Bizarre behaviour, this lady most definitely has anxiety issues, and/or an element of needing to be the one in control. Call the shots so to speak. The DVD can only be watched by those who have her say so...which begs the question as to why anyone else in the video can't object to being seen either!
I have copies of my SILs wedding DVD, as did various other family members. Distributed by my brother. And there are many copies of my wedding tape in circulation too, I have no issue with that, whatsoever!

How well do you know her. Something very similar happened with one of our friends. Without going into to much detail our friend who is Asian chose to spend the rest of her life with a British man. Because of this she was threatened repeatedly by family members including death threats. We were all banned from taking any photos at the wedding because she was petrified that the family would find where she had moved to.

Kr1stina totally agree. Mud slinging won't help and people are different. They need to learn to get along. I think all these assumptions and rudeness about both sides is just unhelpful. It can be a rocky ride initially becoming part of the family. I think that's just life. Sometimes it never works, sometimes it's instant and sometimes it takes time and if no time is allowed and allowances made it won't work. We can't all be the same.

And Bertrand, I completely disagree that's it's acceptable for the husband to describe his wife as ridiculous, it certainly doesn't demonstrate any respect for her feelings - whatever those are.

So if I do something ridiculous, my dp is supposed to support me regardless?

Your husband should understand you more than anyone else and shouldn't think you're ridiculous, and should understand the real you enough to not think you're ridiculous. Sad if you find that acceptable.

BertrandRussell, it is completely dependent on circumstances. If you deliberately do something ridiculous or hurtful as a one-up on another person, probably not. If you did something considered ridiculous by others, but you were in the middle of suffering mental health issues (for example), your husband would be a bit of an arsehole not to support you. In this case, we have no idea why the SiL is being 'ridiculous'.

People aren't generally ridiculous, we're all different and have our own reasons for behaving and thinking in certain ways. Some people struggle more than others. As I said in a pp I used to suffer with social anxiety and depression so probably behaved in a way that was a bit odd and actually my in-laws did write me off and MIL was very nasty to me at every opportunity and as a result has missed out on her own son and barely seen her GC. She is not close to any of her sons because of her behaviour. She drives people away. So I have experience of this kind of thing.