Brothers wife, bridges burnt. What do we do?!

[tallulahturtle]

Ok.

My brother got married last autumn and all seemed well. Had a few sketchy moments leading up to wedding where my parents were offering to pay for bits and bobs here and there and the bride seemed to take offence. Wedding happened and all fine, then my parents gently enquiry about wedding photos as they would really like to choose a few to have put in a frame. Months and months go by where my brother and his Mrs say "they are not ready yet". Eventually my brother says they are ready and this is the photographers contact details. So they order some and all fine.
The wedding video......my parents go visit my brother and Mrs and they show them the video, parents casually ask who did it. My brother tells them.

My parents ordered a copy ( they have a copy of my wedding video so thought it would be nice to have my brothers wedding too).

Last weekend on a visit they casually mention that they have got a copy.

Brothers wife goes from friendly to hostile rapidly. Goes very quiet. Parents mention it to me, I say " you are being over sensitive, she much have just been tired perhaps"

Yesterday brother phones to say please don't show anyone else the DVD.

Again phones this morning to say "please return the dvds to us as she is freaking out about it"

Ok must say, we have watched them and there is no dodgy sex scene. It's just a regular wedding video.

My parents as am I , are worried that we can never repair this. They have agreed to send the dvd to her and essentially lose £50 , but we just wonder what the hell we did wrong. Had no idea she was so sensitive about these things. Personally I would feel happy if my parents in law wanted a copy of the wedding video. At least it meant they gave a shit about me.

Anyways just looking for opinions on the whole situation as my parents have always felt her standoffish as she seems to be friendly for the first hour of a visit (we only visit every 4 months or so for half a day to go for a pub lunch for example) , then she goes all quiet as if she has had enough.

I may sound biased but my parents are not controlling or over bearing. They are just simply interested and care about them.

Just wish she could realise it. If anyone has any ideas as to how to mend this rift or even an idea of what her issue might be so we can be better prepared in future. My parents are approaching their 70s so just want everyone to be happy, life is way too short.

How very odd.

It' pretty obvious that she has a 'thing' about you and your Mum and Dad. In the past she may have interpreted something as a criticism and was hurt. She is obviously hurt about something.
She does not want to be watched by people she has a problem with in a wedding video... for some reason.
What I do NOT understand is why you do not ask your brother what the problem is and what can be done about it.
My own SIL was irreparably hurt by something my normally kind mother said not realising my SIL wasnearby . Even I was shocked at what she said and ashamed. It was about the worst thing she could have said and to this day, my SIL hates us both even though I told Mum to stop it.
I only tell you this story because, please- just stop the pain going round as soon as you can.

Quite clearly the thing for your parents to do is nothing. Just wait for the next call from brother, hope that goes ok and then just carry on.

Clearly something is not entirely straightforward with SIL. However. Db married her so if you all wish to stay in touch with him, see his future kids etc, it will mean a bit of tip toeing around SIL at least for now. What else can you do? Analysing the situation with her over a coffee will be stressful and uncomfortable and make things worse. She may have anxiety, low self esteem, be extremely private, have issues from the past but she may be a controlling self obsessed bitch. But what does it matter because if you want to stay in touch with your db you'll have to put up with her and attempt not to antagonise her as she's married to him. There aren't any other options imo. Some people are higher maintenance than others.

Sorry but I would feel the same. I am a very private person and would hate to think that someone had a copy of my wedding video, or pictures of me on their wall. You yourself may feel happy to have that but she obviously doesn't, that doesn't mean that she's wrong.

I think you and your parents should respect her privacy. I also think that only the bride and groom should be able to order photographs and videos to give out at their discretion, but that's just my opinion.

I'm putting myself in the SIL's shoes on this one - I'm an introvert and have been called 'excessively private' before. It's partly innate, but I was also stalked for years in the late 90s and it's made me very conscious of social media etc.

I find my in-laws very overbearing as there are lots of them and they seem to have ZERO boundaries. My MIL thinks nothing of enquiring about my constipation at the dinner table in mixed company which I find incredibly mortifying. That was just after I'd had DS1 which sparked a huge argument. She also organised a party to be held in my house (without telling me), and booked a rabbi to give DS a circumcision (also without telling me)!!

To her, I'm being over-sensitive and precious. And her family thinks her behaviour is normal as they've been exposed to it all their lives.

OP, in the nicest way possible, I don't think you're in any position to say whether your family gatherings are casual, or incredibly painful for your SIL. Maybe if you spoke to her one-on-one rather than en masse, and without judgment, you'd have a better chance of finding out.

Just leave it! Let it be forgotten. Don't sneak off and get another bloody video. Don't bring it up. Don't try and find out what her issues are. Just pretend it didn't happen and get to know her properly, with an open mind. If that's hard, remember that she's making your brother happy (just go with that). Until the day comes when your brother's marriage breaks down, find a way to like her. Look for the good bits, not the bad ones

This is the best bit of advice on this thread. Do this if you want to have an ongoing relationship with your brother, SIL and any future children.

If you are more concerned about proving that you are right and she is wrong, then you may win a battle but lose the war.

Stop trying to make her communicate and interact YOUR way.

Stop trying to make your brother take your side against his wife. You will either put stress on their marriage or force them to go NC with you.

TBH I would have thought that someone who is good with animals would have a little more insight and sensitively than you are showing. How would you treat a horse that was shy, nervous and stressed by too much stimulation ?

Of course another video was ordered..... when the divorce comes through they'll be able to rip it to shreds 🤣🤣

RE the comment on not ordering other people's photos without their permission, when I got married 27 years ago and we was on our honeymoon my mother picked up our wedding photos showed them round to everyone, got our wedding video copied and dished it out, gave my wedding cake away to neighbours and relatives, we were just left with a few crumbs when we came back!! Didn't even have the top tier left to save as we wanted. I didn't know she was going to do that, she never asked me just went and did it! To say I was pissed off was an understatement but my mother still insisted it was me being unreasonable!!!

TBH I would have thought that someone who is good with animals would have a little more insight and sensitively than you are showing. How would you treat a horse that was shy, nervous and stressed by too much stimulation ?

This is quite hilarious

My friend received her video, promptly demanded that I come to see her. Upon arrival she burst into tears. She sobbed for hours about how awful she looked and how seeing the video had ruined the day for her and that she never wants it to see the light of day. The fact is your SIL has a right to not want others to see the video. Sure she should've specified that before but it's still her right. Also whoever things her husband is put upon and should side with your parents, how absurd!!! She's his wife! His next of kin! Some of the comments on here are thoroughly unpleasant, uncalled for and lacking compassion.

To be honest, it only sounds like one odd incident. I hate reading stuff about people being too quiet. I'm a quiet person and when I spend time with my in-laws I use up all my common ground conversation in the first hour and then I probably too go a little quiet while I search for more conversation and zone out thinking of things to say. Generally it's harder to speak in a crowd, especially if they all know each other well. You might find she's easier to get on with one-to-one. I totally disagree with other posts saying 'don't pander to her' Why not pander?! Try hanging out with her in a different context and maybe you'll get to know her better. Then one day you can maybe find out what that silly thing was with the DVD but ultimately does it matter?! If she's got body insecurities you're not going to help her by forcing an answer from her so just leave it be.

But the SIL cannot stop other people buying the video. The copyright is owned by the person who filmed it and, assuming they are a business, they are entitled to sell it if they wish. So whilst the SIL might not want others to see it, I don't believe she can actually prevent it.

TBH I would have thought that someone who is good with animals would have a little more insight and sensitively than you are showing. How would you treat a horse that was shy, nervous and stressed by too much stimulation ?

There's your answer OP, stick a saddle on her and enter her in the 3.15 at Kempton -and hope it isn't a photo finish-

Well no SIL can't prevent people from seeing the vid. But if people do it against her wishes she may cut them off as a consequence. Not saying that's ok.

OP - I think you need to just ask her straight and just say I didn't realise parents in law having a copy of wedding video would make you uncomfortable berybsorry if it did etc (why the hell you would bother having one if you didn't want it being seen is beyond ..) I just think she seems way over sensitive so you could be tip toeing forever so just try and hash it out with her. Life is way too short like you say. Good luck! Also your visits sound incredibly reasonable as a person who lost my parents and other family really young I find it incredibly sad to hear people say maybe your visits are too long. Won't know what you've got till its gone.

it all sounds rather strange to me.

Those of you who say you don't want pictures of you in other people's houses. Did you stop people bringing cameras to your wedding?

I didn't want a video of our wedding but a couple of people brought video cameras anyway. I wasn't massively pleased but didn't much care as long as I didn't have to watch it. The problem for me came when my mum got annoyed with me because I would not watch it. I'd said I didn't want videos made!

If the SIL here doesn't want people looking at her, she should not have got married (or only had a very small civil wedding). Weddings are public occasions - lots of people take photos, and as I discovered, lots of people take videos, too. Parents and Parents-in-law are the least of your problems if you want to keep control of your image at a wedding.

Just do everything SIL wants. It is the only way to keep the peace and for you to continue contact with your brother and eventually your nieces and nephews.

I bend over backwards to keep my SIL happy, to the extent that my husband says that i am basically a doormat and that i never behave that way with anyone else. The reason I do it is so that I sustain a relationship with my brother (who is my only sibling) who I adore, my little niece who is gorgeous, and my parents who are in their 70s are happy. Just give her back the video and apologise, apologise, apologise by sending a note and flowers. Just do it. It really is all worth it when my brother appreciates it and often says to me "thank you Sis". It melts my heart. Swallow your pride and just do what she wants

Sorry to you to have someone like this in your family, she sounds like she has major control freak issues, I feel so sorry for your brother just send it back with a bow on and a bunch of flowers as not worth the hassle, Rise above her weirdness your family sound lovely X

I'm with your SIL. I've shown my parents and family my wedding video but would be very uncomfortable with them having a copy, and yes I would be very very angry if they had purchased a copy without me knowing.
It's a personal thing and maybe is a little controlling but I too would feel odd if there were copies around.
However I also understand that for some families this wouldn't be odd at all and seen as a lovely thing, sadly no right or wrong but maybe just an apology from your parents would go someway to placating her and upsetting her however unintentional it was?

Very odd. I have a sister and a brother and have to say SIL is not very warm towards us. They've been married a long time now(15yrs) and are happy now that they live on the other side of the world but she has always acted as though she wants him but not us. It can be hard because my brother and I were close as was the whole family. She is an only child so I think she just doesn't get out big gatherings. Can you have a word with your brother alone to find out more?

I have in the past suffered from social anxiety and depression. It makes you behave in ways which until it's behind you you don't realise are quite weird and in a round about odd way are self protecting, but at the same time alienating of yourself and others. She sounds intimidated and awkward and shows it in a very odd way. In years gone by it took me ages to get used to new people so may have come across as quite off hand. It still sometimes happens now, but I am aware and try to change it. Give her a break but keep trying, just be nice. If / when kids come along it will all change.

Hang on, the groom is just as important in the wedding as the bride, surely? In which case, why the hell is it intrusive for his own family to have a copy of the wedding video in which they all participated? They're family, too. Any other way, madness lies.

The wedding video thing is weird. I understand that it was for bride and groom but really the only other people interested in sitting through it again are the parents and that wouldn't be often. She really needs a chill pill. Was she a bridezilla too?

We didn't stop people bringing cameras to the wedding but we did ask that people didn't put photos on social media. Everyone respected that. We couldn't have stopped anyone but if someone has asked politely then you'd be a dick to go against it. Anyone actually filming would have been asked to stop.

People overshare too much and frankly being a quiet person in a world full of loud, overbearing folk is hard enough. I don't think extroverted groups realise how much they grind quiet people down. All that constant, empty chat and noise. Isn't there enough going on in your own head? It's overwhelming and it's exhausting. I'm not surprised she zones out.