Child free wedding that isn't child free

[user15262093]

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

No i wouldn't have gone happily, i would have felt exactly the same as i do now, because my children are equal to that one child. I have never ever excluded soon to be sister in law, i have included her in all family functions and always treated her as part of the family and would expect the same back.

Also- most parents won't be offended by one flower girl at a child-free wedding, but if they see a flower girl + at least four additional children, then they'll have the hurt feelings of their friends with children to deal with.

You'll be satisfied but how many of their friends will be upset?

YANBU. People come out with this 'it's their wedding, they can do what they want yada yada,' type line, but you are still entitled to feel pissed off OP. I would be hurt, especially as it's your BROTHER's wedding, and you have been doing so much for them.

Funny how the family of the bride get included, but not the groom. Sounds about right. If it was me, I would wonder what else I and my kids were being excluded from.

I am not putting my feelings centre stage! Im entitled to tell them my opinion, they don't have to listen or take it on board and I don't need to go to their wedding. But rather than all of that bad feeling surely its better to explain?

notknown exactly i think most (not all) people would be hurt if their own BROTHER didn't invite his nieces but the other side was invited. I don't think thats wildly outrageous

OP- you said yourself in your original post that raising this will 'cause a big row'

If you raise it, knowing it will cause a fight, then yes you are putting your feelings centre stage.

I'd be upset too. BUT; its there day not yours. I'm a mediator and no matter how tactfully you raise this you will look like you are being petty, using emotional blackmail or trying to shift the focus to you. It's there day I'm afraid, they can do what they like. They have the complete upper hand. Try and not take it so personally. It would have been lovely if the bride had your children also as flower girls. She hasn't asked them. You don't know why. It could be financial constraints, that she is so close to her niece... Who knows. Let it go. Weddings are so emotionally charged that any argument pertaining to it will take on a life and energy of its own and won't be forgotten. I know it's not easy, but she could be around forever and you don't want to start off on a bad foot. Easy for me to say I know and I promise I'd be so upset but it won't change things and will just create an atmosphere. Letting them know so you feel better will give you momentary relief only!

Their day not there day 😳

notknown exactly i think most (not all) people would be hurt if their own BROTHER didn't invite his nieces but the other side was invited. I don't think thats wildly outrageous

This ^

And I have seen this happen a number of times. My best friend who has a daughter, has a brother whose wife has 2 nieces. They have pics of her 2 nieces all over the house (as well as their own son,) and the SIL takes them to the beach, and to the cinema etc, and she and my friend's brother are always buying stuff for them. Basically, HER nieces are treated better than his niece.

You do have my sympathy OP, and whilst everyone is entitled to invite (or not invite) who they want. To include the bride's nieces and not the groom's is just bad form imo.

Ah, OP so it isn't what you said that it's about being lied to. It's about you feeling you've spent lots of money on the wedding - which was your choice - and you feel that as some quid pro quo your children should be invited because if just ONE child has been asked to be part of the official wedding party, then it's not fair to exclude yours.

It's about you.

Weddings aren't about a guest.

Sorry I posted before completing what I was going to say!

notknown exactly i think most (not all) people would be hurt if their own BROTHER didn't invite his nieces but the other side was invited. I don't think thats wildly outrageous

This ^

And I have seen this happen a number of times. My best friend who has a daughter, has a brother whose wife has 2 nieces. They have pics of her 2 nieces all over the house (as well as their own son,) and the SIL takes them to the beach, and to the cinema etc, and she and my friend's brother are always buying stuff for them.

Yet, my friend's daughter, (so, her brother's niece) never get a look in. They are constantly excluded, and there are no photos AT ALL in the brother and SIL's house of the my friend's daughter.
.
Basically, HER nieces are treated better than his niece.

You do have my sympathy OP, and whilst everyone is entitled to invite (or not invite) who they want. To include the bride's nieces and not the groom's is just bad form imo.

YADNBU. It's ok to say no children if that's what they really want although I'd be hurt and miffed if my own siblings said I couldn't bring my children to their wedding, thankfully this would never happen! But saying no children, but oh wait a minute, the brides niece is allowed (flower girl or not) but the grooms niece/nephew isn't. Nope that's not on and I'm surprised that they feel you should just be ok with that.

I'd be quietly pissed off too OP. However when I was getting married other family members tried to dictate who was invited, it was infuriating. We invited who we wanted to. I think this overrides your want for your children to attend. It's their wedding day. And as you and others have said, a wedding without children to be responsible for is a much more enjoyable experience! I do feel for the flower girl though, she would probably enjoy herself much more if there were other kids to play with.

' It's about you feeling you've spent lots of money on the wedding - which was your choice - and you feel that as some quid pro quo your children should be invited '
Not sure how much clearer the op can be. She doesn't think her dc should be invited because she spent money, she thinks if the bride's niece is going the groom's should too.

I don't think YABU. It's a bit off to leave some family children out. Why would your brother not want his nieces and nephews there??

At my wedding, we had family children only. And all other children welcome in the evening. It was the fairest way we could work it and it worked out fine!

Just to point out something about a woman's nieces/nephews over a mans. Could it be that the woman is more proactive in seeing her sibling and their children than a man is? It's not the womans job to facilitate the man seeing his sibling and their children and IME, men rarely bother (that's not to say they never do but my family and friends, it's ALWAYS the woman who does the family stuff). My DCs see more of my family because DH doesn't make effort with his (and they don't either tbh). I see my sister more than my brothers because we make an effort. If I want to see my brother I have to contact his GF or it won't happen. Same with DH's oldest friend. We only see him when me and his wife do the arranging. SIL had a baby a while ago, we haven't seen them. I'm not doing the donkey work, it's down to DH so nothing has happened. As a result DH is more likely to see my nephews than his niece. I imagine that's the case a lot of the time when the whole his family/her family issue arises.

Ethel Then why even mention it?

Honestly its nothing at all to do with the money, i gifted that to my brother who is getting married, and when i gifted the money i knew my children weren't invited (but obviously not that the other niece was invited)! boo i can tell you are a mediator from your lovely message thank you. The fact the niece is a flower girl is also not the issue she can have whoever she wants in her own bridal party, just my own children didn't get an invite! Thank you all for your supportive messages, I don't feel like I can go to the wedding or the hen do to be completely honest so think I will just tell them I can no longer go.

'Then why even mention it?'
Maybe too indicate how close/involved they've been in the planning and not just rels they hardly see?
Double standards are shit in families. the cause of lots of problems as seen here.

shat the reason why i mention it is to show i have played an active role in the build up to their wedding, shown interest, excitement and was going on her hen do etc so that people don't assume that i haven't bothered or there is some big backstory when there isn't.

Thank you ethel

Oh please don't miss your brothers wedding over this!!

I was trying to be nice and just didn't expect to be treated unkindly back

See, this is why I said what I did. You do something because you WANT to. Not because you expect something in return. Which is how that phrase did come over.

I think it a shame that you would miss your brother's wedding over this but you are perfectly entitled to choose not to go.

'Oh please don't miss your brothers wedding over this!!'
Tbh honest though I agree, I'd go be it with clenched teeth. if you don't you'll be the villain. I had a similar dilemma, awkward Dsis demanding bf be invited to ours despite numbers being tight. I agreed to be nice, then fast forward to hers and its all very select. Very select. With some adult family members excluded.
My knee jerk reaction was to not go but dh talked me round. We'll go grin and bear it, but I wont forget it and may possibly bear a grudge