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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Child free wedding that isn't child free

248 replies

user15262093 · 11/07/2017 00:55

Hi don't know if i am being unreasonable and need a bit of perspective.
My DB is getting married next year. We were told from the beginning that the wedding is going to be child free. I had no problem with this, in fact sometimes its nice to have an excuse to have a rare day off from the kids. This was around 8 months ago. Since then I have spent £500 on a hen do, paid for their wedding car, brought extra bits and pieces in for the wedding for them to discover that DB soon to be wife, is inviting her niece and she is a flower girl, but my two dd's are not invited! They are all of a similar age. I wouldn't expect my two to be flowers girls if she hadn't of wanted it but to not even be invited! I feel so angry and feel like not going but don't want to be seen as being petty. How do i approach the situation? I think if i bring it up its going to explode into a big row thanks

OP posts:
OfficerVanHalen · 11/07/2017 11:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 11/07/2017 11:59

I would see if I could cancel on the hens to be honest because I would be pretty annoyed, I wouldn't enjoy an expensive additional day of celebrating with the rather selfish bride to be.

bonbonours · 11/07/2017 12:00

elbandito - exactly, that's my point about how a marriage brings two families together and the bride will be 'aunty' to the op's daughters so they will be HER family then.

leojohnsmummy · 11/07/2017 12:00

yeah i get it's their wedding but you can't say it's child free then invite a child. especially when you've paid for so much already.

Even if it meant you kid's were there just for a wedding not the party, or something but to not being included is wrong in my eyes.
but like i said it is their day but come on weddings are for all the family to get together and celebrate the happy couples big day!

dinahmorris · 11/07/2017 12:03

I think it was very mean for them to not be invited. I can't imagine getting married without my own and DP's nieces and nephews at the wedding. If there were 15 on each side I could understand, but for the sake of 4 additional people I think it is harsh.

Of course the bride should choose her own attendants, and shouldn't be pressured in to having extras. But YANBU to be hurt by your DC not being invited.

I would perhaps say to DBro (assuming you are close) that you are hurt. I wouldn't insist or make a massive fuss, but I would definitely tell my own brother if he had done something which hurt me.

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2017 12:10

yeah i get it's their wedding but you can't say it's child free then invite a child. especially when you've paid for so much already.

Yes they can. They can do what the fuck they like. If people don't like it, then they are free not to like it and simply not attend. It really is that simple. And invitations are not given on the basis of how much other people have spent already - any money the OP spent is up to her and no one else.

laurelstar · 11/07/2017 12:11

Kittykat, no venue charges for a six-month-old baby! Sorry that's just ridiculous. Most venues also charge a fraction of the adult price for children too. Ours was less than a fifth.

bonbonours · 11/07/2017 12:11

ifailed why is the idea that two people getting married joins their families together like something from the 19th century? My husband's family are now part of my family, they are my children's grandparents etc. That is how families work.

Also, saying there will be loads of other weddings is irrelevant, presumably the op's brother is not going to be getting married again any time soon!! My girls are aged 9 and 11 and would dearly love to go to a wedding but haven't been invited to one since they were toddlers, and are unlikely to be (until their own friends start getting married) as pretty much everyone we know is either married or nowhere near old enough. So for the ops children this may well be the only chance they would have had to go to a wedding until adulthood.
However, if it was really a child-free wedding that would be one thing. But inviting one niece and not the others is not fair. It's like if they invited her grandmother but not his grandmother.

ShoesHaveSouls · 11/07/2017 12:13

I agree with a PP - it's not a child free wedding because the other niece is there.

Yes, I know they can invite who they like etc etc - but hard to explain that snub to one side of the family away - it's very hurtful.

Ifailed · 11/07/2017 12:21

bonbonours

I'd thought we moved on from the time when weddings were arranged for the benefit of families (usually financially driven), where women were married off like chattels to accumulate wealth and property?

As far as I'm concerned, a wedding is between two people, not two families. It's a bonus if there's someone in one's partner's family that you get on with, but no reason to get married. Most of the people I know are far to busy trying to make ends meet and provide for their children than worry about what some distant relative may or may not think about their wedding celebrations.

Nikephorus · 11/07/2017 12:24

I already said above, the child isn't going home, she is staying for the sit down dinner and the rest of the day and evening, being catered for and having a seat, so it isn't a child free wedding is it?
I apologise for not spotting the fact the OP has changed usernames mid-thread Hmm
Fine so it's a one-child only wedding. I still don't see the problem. They've not invited every child but yours, they've invited one solitary child who has a specific role in the wedding party.

paddypants13 · 11/07/2017 12:24

I once went to a child free wedding (groom's family) only to discover that children from the bride's family we present. I was a bit ShockHmmConfused but I let it go because it was nice to be child free for a day and we were lucky to have found a babysitter easily. I decided it wasn't worth making a fuss over.

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2017 12:25

bonbon But inviting one niece and not the others is not fair. It's like if they invited her grandmother but not his grandmother.

I'm not sure it is, necessarily. In some families, either because of circumstance (such as one brother and his family living 300 miles away but another brother and his family living 10 miles away) you can easily have a bride/groom who is very close to one niece or nephew but not the other.

Families are all different. I have no siblings. On one side of the family I have three cousins, on the other side of the family I have over 30 cousins. On the former, I used to live four doors away from two of my cousins so I know them very very well; on the latter, at least two thirds of them I have never even met and some I have not seen in 30 years. I would, if getting married, happily invite the two I know very well and none of the others.

Similarly, I have friends of 20 years whose children I barely know but am a godfather to one pair of friend's daughter and so I see that child much more often. I would happily invite her to my wedding but none of the others. Because I have a relationship with her. I don't with the other children.

I don't actually think that's unreasonable.

user1485342611 · 11/07/2017 12:30

I always think "Child Free" weddings are about the bride stamping her foot and saying "Nobody is going to pull focus! It's all about ME!!" Quote

What a stupid statement. The vast majority of weddings I've been at were child free and the brides were not attention seeking bridezillas.

StickThatInYourPipe · 11/07/2017 12:42

Why is everyone blaming the bride? Confused

I've been to weddings where the bride and groom had a set number of invites each and they invited who they wanted from that number. Could your dbro not just have chosen to invite friends over your dc whereas the bride decided to use one of her invites on her dn?

Spikeyball · 11/07/2017 12:44

I wouldn't say anything but this situation would annoy me. I went to a family members child free wedding where their were flower girls and page boys. They were children of the bridesmaids and best man etc who were not family members. This was reasonable but when you start inviting some nephews and nieces, but not others with no age divide, it is likely to create resentment.

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2017 12:52

Spikey There will always be someone who resents that they either
a) can't bring their child
b) can't bring their boyfriend of 6 weeks
c) can't bring a friend as a plus one
d) have been invited to the evening but not the breakfast

I've seen threads on here when the parents of the groom or bride have said they would refuse to attend if their offspring didn't invite their parents neighbours! Seriously. Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. Everyone feels entitled to something.

The bride and groom cannot win. Whatever they will do will upset someone or cause resentment unless they have an unlimited budget and an enormous venue. Which is precisely why they should just do what the fuck they want and leave other people to moan about them on MN. Because you can guarantee a few years down the road, the bride and groom will get to moan about someone else's wedding.

Spikeyball · 11/07/2017 13:01

I suppose the question is do the couple want to create resentment within close family.

BenjaminLinus · 11/07/2017 13:01

I'm assuming if you're going to tell your brother that your children have to be invited, that you're also telling him that the other two 'on your side' have to be invited too, so that's four extras, and how many more are there on her side? Do you approve of her bridesmaids or do you think that you should be a bridesmaid too?

FFS stop stamping your little feet and moaning about how unfair it is. YABU.

BallOrAerosol · 11/07/2017 13:06

Why have you paid for their car and various 'bits and pieces' for the wedding? I have never heard of a sibling contributing to the wedding costs. If you have shelled out a considerable amount I think it is shitty not inviting your DC- not because you are entitled to places at the wedding because you have paid for some of it, but as an acknowledgement that the money spent on the B& G is money that has been diverted from the DC in order to help out. DBro looks quite grabby if he will just take your contribution and then won't even invite your kids!

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 13:06

I am not telling her my children HAVE to be invited! Far from it, if i had that sort of attitude i would have said that in the first place when she said the wedding was child free. I am saying I don't appreciate being lied to and that she doesn't have to invite my children but i won't be in attendance, nothing is wrong with that.

allmycats · 11/07/2017 13:07

She has asked her niece to be a flower girl - aka as a bridesmaid. It is non of your business who she has as a bridesmaid be they 2yrs old or 82 yrs old. Get a grip woman.

user4627462187468 · 11/07/2017 13:08

I offered to pay for various bits and pieces, they didn't ask, i have also done the same for another sibling and felt it was only fair to do the same for db as well, as our mum and dad aren't in a position to financially contribute. I was trying to be nice and just didn't expect to be treated unkindly back.

ShatnersWig · 11/07/2017 13:10

OP Ah, so if they'd said up front that they are inviting no children at all with the exception of one child as a flower girl or bridesmaid, you'd not have been at all upset and you'd have gone to the wedding happily?

SilverBirchTree · 11/07/2017 13:10

OP- before you create a fuss over it, I suggest you have a think about whether your brother caused trouble for you in the lead up to your wedding/graduation/children's births.

If he has cheerfully participated in your life milestones without swanning in, putting his feelings centre stage & making demands then I suggest you consider doing the same for him.

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