To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

My birth name, coming from my father, is arguably just as much of a patriarchal hand-me-down as my husband's name would be.

I dunno, I think it's even more patriarchal to take the name of your husband's father. Or whichever long dead ancestor of someone else's had it first. Plus there are a few surnames deriving from women anyway, so you never know!

Was just about to link to the Sali Hughes article too - it's spot on.

DP and I have been together for 20 years and have kids but have never been fussed about getting married. I love a good wedding but have never had any inclination to have one myself. And I certainly don't see our relationship as any less valid. We are actually considering getting married now though, but largely prompted by inheritance tax reasons to be honest! I certainly won't be changing my name if we do. We'd probably just do a civil partnership if we had the option

I know what you mean about not wanting to make a big deal of announcing it on FB, but I think the suggestions above are good - i.e. a casual 'some people have been asking...'

Congratulations, by the way - and enjoy your day! Even if you were to make a big public announcement mid ceremony- you'll still get people addressing you as 'Mrs' afterwards - it would do my head in, but I do realise that one would have to not get riled by it!

the institution of marriage is a traditional bond. If you're modern enough not to want his name, why do you want to say the vows?

This. Seems strange to want to go through the whole traditional marriage and tying yourself to a man but not share the same name.

You may be happy being considered not a whole person in your own right but I don't!

Why would they not be considered a whole person?

If you're modern enough not to want his name, why do you want to say the vows?

Whereabouts in the vows does it say "I promise to change my name"?

We got married almost 34 years ago. I didn't change my name. We double-barreled 2 years later when DC1 was born and in day to day life all of us use my birth surname.

There are still people sending cards to Mrs DHname and to Miss DHname.

I'm reading all your replies with interest. At work so will respond properly tonight.

Hudson10
You kinda missed the point there.

No problem at with both partners wanting to share a name after marriage. The problem is why does it have to be HIS name?

This. Seems strange to want to go through the whole traditional marriage and tying yourself to a man but not share the same name.

Only if you don't understand much about either the institution of marriage or the history of the women taking the man's name in some cultures.

This. Seems strange to want to go through the whole traditional marriage and tying yourself to a man but not share the same name.

No one seemed to think it was odd that my husband managed to 'tie himself to' a woman without changing his name?

I had some similar comments. Eg why did I even want to get married. Some people really were incredulous.

All this silly feminism, the institution of marriage is a traditional bond. If you're modern enough not to want his name, why do you want to say the vows?

What a very sad and shallow idea of marriage. Poor you.

It's fine to keep your name. Yanbu. I wish I had
Just don't be dick and make a big deal about it.
It's asking for discussion, do you want discussion or to just do your own thing ?

Post something upbeat like 'looking forward to being Mrs Kid rather then Miss Kid ... only five more weeks to go'

Post something upbeat like 'looking forward to being Mrs Kid rather then Miss Kid ... only five more weeks to go'

I think she's Ms Kid already and is remaining MsKid.

TBH, I'd just go with factual and say "Just to let you know that I'm staying as Ms Kid and not changing my name after my wedding"

I do make a big deal out of it because it's my name

That's a very good point actually.

If your name was Jane and every fucker kept calling you Bob, no one this thread would tell you to stop making a big deal out of it!

I've already explained why marriage is actually necessary for some people. I doubt anyone on this thread really wants all of the traditional trappings of marriage

This is so attention seeking, if you don't want to name change that's all fine and well. But you know most people will assume you have as that's what traditionally happens, just politely correct them if they do and get on with it

This is so attention seeking

Nope it really isn't.

Mmm, I don't think some people are getting that if you're keeping your own name, in most cases you have to make at least a medium deal of it to have any hope of people actually addressing you correctly. That isn't the fault of the individual woman...

Op maybe put

I will remain Ms Gingerbreadkid after marriage so please make sure all cheques are addressed as such to avoid spending delay on my honeymoon

It might lead to a few AIBUs but at least they'll remember the post!

I would LOVE if it became the norm for people to announce what they were doing with their names.

We were announced as 'the bride and groom, Ms x and Mr y' and didn't change names on Facebook but I still get post from (my) family as mrs y- the flip side being there are some family members who I'm not sure if they've changed their names and I worry it would look pointed if I address them as 'Ms x' because that's the choice I've made.

I think definitely you should both put it up on Facebook- DH was actually keen for us both to double barrel and sometimes I wish I had but I'm in my thirties, my name is my name, it seems a bit late to change it now.

But it does bother me when I'm called he wrong name, it seems odd to me some people don't mind.

Also- for all the 'it's what normally happens' posters, only one of about ten weddings I've been to of friends has seen the bride change her name. It's more common among my family, but even then, now everyone has.

It could be reflecting the fact that it's the norm in my friendship circles to get married in your thirties after you've had time to build a career/care less what other think. But even still, assuming it's what everyone does only really applies if everyone has exactly the same set of friends and family members. Announcements would be helpful.

This is so attention seeking, if you don't want to name change that's all fine and well. But you know most people will assume you have as that's what traditionally happens

What a bizarre, nasty and incoherent post. How can you think it's attention-seeing of her to want to tell people when you also acknowledge that if she doesn't most people will call her by the wrong name?

This is not attention seeking it is letting people know she isn't going to be mrs husband which is a lot of peoples default.

I don't think you need an announcement. Just leave your name as it is and let it be.

I don't know why you needed to make a point to the wedding venue bloke. Obviously he was just making a suggestion about the light up thingy and rather than "no thank you" you had to make a point to a bloke you'll probably never see again about not being a Mrs. Why does it even matter to him?

I'm not Mrs MyHusband either. I'm never in the slightest bit offended when people get it wrong/ assume I am. I also didn't mind when people addressed wedding cards to Mr & Mrs X. I think you should chill out a bit or prepare yourself for a life of being very angry every time people get it wrong. Which they will.