To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

Why does that matter, panino? She made one decision about the children's names - why does that mean she can't make (and care about) a separate decision about her own name?

Very odd that some people seem to think a wedding is simply some kind of fancy deed poll ceremony, the whole point of which is to celebrate a name change.

I would assume if you don't change your name on Facebook, you haven't changed your name, end of. Not sure how that works with people who don't use FB - I guess you'd have to tell them.

We weren't announced as anything at the wedding. I'd never write Mr and Mrs on a wedding card unless I'd had confirmation that names/titles were definitely being changed - if I don't know I just put first names till I find out later. It's not so much that I find it offensive, just sad that such sexist traditions still persist so strongly.

Ive written 'Mr and Mrs' on wedding cards without even thinking about it and would hate to think offence had ever been caused; it certainly wasn't meant.

I felt the same as I did about the couple of people who misspelt my first name; they were well meant and so I certainly wasn't offended, but nor did I exactly treasure a card that got my name wrong. Anyway, given that you've done this I'm surprised you told the OP not to make it known that she's not changing her name - wouldn't you rather have had the opportunity to avoid your mistake?

I like Bunlicker's first message further up - casual mention on FB saying you've been asked a few times gets the point across without making a big deal. You will still get cards to Mr & Mrs Husband'sname, I know we did, it's not worth getting annoyed about that though, some people won't realise/be on Facebook/can't get their head around the not changing name issue. My husband and I both double barrelled our names and I think some people were a bit about him changing his name but who cares! Doesn't really affect anyone but us.

imip where couldn't you use ms in the UK in 2002? I have been ms since 1989 and my mother for much longer.
And why isn't giving your children his name old fashioned but taking it yourself is?

Great comeback MaidofStars !

I married my husband because it made sense legally and I want to be with him forever. It was a huge thing for both of us to do.

I kept my name, My children have my name. I have had a few people tell me it's illegal, odd, wrong. DH has to contend with people thinking he is Mr Jolly. Generally it's not been a big deal.

Facebook does appear to be the universal communication channel so if you want to tell everyone go ahead. In real life, there are very few occasions where the issue actually comes up.

OP, YANBU and are not making a big deal of it. It's those who can't accept the simple fact that you call yourself by the name you prefer who are making the big deal.

Having said that, when I ask, as I always do when in doubt, how the woman in a couple wishes to be addressed, the name changers are always arsey about it, harrumphing and normalising/ what else would I be called, when I'm just trying be fucking polite and get it right.

I'm fully aware that sharing a surname isn't the making of a family, but it meant security and just that for my child so I wasn't about to piss on his parad

Wouldn't it have been easier for your partner to take yours and yours son's name? Your son might not realise he's going to have explain the name change for decades if he needs to do anything official (like apply for working visas outside of the country).

In addition to the the normal rights given in this country by marriage, people in marriages with someone from outside their home country make life much easier for themselves. Our marriage meant that my husband was able to move to my home country for a few years (he almost definitely wouldn't have qualified otherwise). But as I am a also an EU national (dual citizen) who has potentially lost her right to reside in the Uk thanks to Brexit I have somewhat more in my favour should I apply for right to remain.

And wherever we move we'd have the same rights without having to speak to lawyers. Though that's fine too if you plan on staying in the UK forever

I've been married 30+ years and haven't taken his surname. Where I live the kids were obliged by law to have his surname and so from time to time people address me as Mrs Hisname. I only correct them when it matters. Life really is too short to make a fuss: I choose my battles. If the person is merely checking that they are talking to the parent of DC or the spouse of DH then I don't bother correcting them... after all, I know what they mean. I only start to get angry when I get official documents through which use it when I have made it clear that it is not my name ("but the system won't let us change it....If you're married it automatically sends letters to Mrs Hisname".) FFS, it's 2017 not 1917 - reprogramme the bloody system!
I occasionally say "oh, do you mean me? Mrs Hisname is my mother in law". Which is also a good way to tackle the problem with your MiL if she starts to make disobliging remarks. "But M-i-L dear, you're Mrs Hisname."

I did have one of those run ins at the bank PP have mentioned early on but we solved it by opening a joint account (as well as our individual ones)- they are OK about cheques to Mrs Hisname going into an account labelled Mr Hisname & Mrs Hername.

I didn't change my name and our kids have my surname. I still answer as Mrs Husbands surname and DH answers to Mr my surname. Neither of us stress about it.

You could always do what my brother and SIL did which was choose a brand new surname.

I know several people who haven't changed their surname on marriage (including my DD). It's fine to just tell people that you are keeping your name and to tell the wedding venue. My DD and SIL were announced as Mr and Mrs Hissurname hyphen Hersurname at the wedding reception but that's the only time they used it.

It's much less hassle to keep your name as you won't need 20 copies of the wedding certificate to send to everyone. I hope you have a really lovely wedding day.

Very poor of the wedding venue. We were specifically asked how we wanted to be announced once married.

I have changed my name and have had quite a bit of stick for it. I think it's great women now have the choice whether to take their husband's name or not and there should be no pressure either way.

OP YANBU.

Couldn't agree more McTufty. Surely feminism is about having the choice either way. Also agree with Bumlicker's posts upthread. You've said what I was thinking but couldn't express so clearly.

So why are you getting married?

What about future children?

All this silly feminism, the institution of marriage is a traditional bond. If you're modern enough not to want his name, why do you want to say the vows?

I'm 24 BTW, not some old harpy, but I've genuinely NEVER understood this.

Yes, the fact that you don't understand this is emanating brightly from your posts.

Marriage is such a very traditional institution that it is actually rather older than surnames. It's practiced in a few cultures that still don't use them. The woman taking the man's family surname on marriage is simply something that some cultures have tacked onto marriage, relatively recently in the grand scheme of things. That's all. It has no more importance than that, and certainly isn't the most 'traditional' option available.

Also, if you just want the same name as your partner, you can change it without getting married, and it'll be cheaper than even the most basic ceremony. So it's not a reason to get married. There are, however, lots of things you actually can only get via marriage. They would be reasons.

Also, feminism is about improving the lot of women, not choice. They're not always the same thing.

But the wife keeping her name IS a British tradition! In Scotland, at least. And my understanding is that also in England one is permitted to be called Mrs HisName even while being Mary MyName. My family tree is full of Catherine X aka Y, both X and Y being legally acceptable surnames.

On a couple of occasions where friends have kept their maiden names, or I'm not sure what their plans are, I've addressed cards to The Happy Couple.

Out of interest to those who kept their names, how did you decide whose surname your children should have? Most people I know have given their kids the fathers name but I see on this thread that's not always the case.

I didn't change my name and ten years on it still surprises older relatives. But I was most surprised by the male friends of DH who said they wouldn't be happy if their wives had refused to take their name and didn't DH feel upset about it. He is actually totally supportive of me keeping my name. We tried to hard to have a wedding which represented equality without ramming home!

Yes why not make a good natured announcement on FB. It's hard not to sound preachy tho.

I wanted to hyphenate but come from a culture where that's not seen as appropriate. So rather than post some stupid rant on social media, I just silently hyphenated my name in all my social media profiles. Nobody dared to make any snarky comments in public.

Congrats on the upcoming wedding!

I'd post something that's casual and a bit jokey a few days before like 'Can't believe this is my last week as Miss OP! This time next week I will be... Ms OP! Yes - DH-to-be and I have decided we will be keeping our names after the wedding. Really excited for Saturday (or whatever day your wedding day is on) now!'

Btw, well done on your decision. The poster who claimed there was no point in being married without changing your name clearly doesn't know the first thing about marriage!

TBH, I'm surprised people are making a fuss about it to the point of being "inredulous". It's not that unusual surely?

I did change mine but I also understand why people don't. It's all down to personal choice.

MargaretCavendish I wasn't suggesting the OP never make it known, but FB before the event seems like asking for debate, rather than a simple 'we got married, btw I'm still XXX' (or just a noticeable lack of name change) once it's all done.

I'm not embarrassed by having wrongly addressed the odd envelope (which will go in the bin anyway). As stated, it was meant with the best intention and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit bothered if I were the recipient.

I got married abroad, and on the day got oats saying 'congratulations Mrs Nevermyname', which I corrected there and then. We had a party the week later, invites by email, and under neath the invitation, we signed it Hisname and Jenijena (who, incidentally, will still be Mysurname after the wedding'. The first Christmas I had quite a few weird and wonderful combinations of surnames on Christmas cards, double barrelling and making DH a one of me, so then, and occasionally other times, I put a 'just in case anyone's confused, the best way to address post to us is xxx'. I do make a big deal out of it because it's my name And whilst I wouldn't want anyone to feel bad about using the wrong name, I don't know why that means I should feel bad about having my wishes ignored...