To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

I don't really understand understand the issue.

When I get married I will keep my name (mainly because his is awful) but I really can't see myself getting bothered about people sending a few well meant cards to mr and mrs his surname.

Equally if you do post it to fb be aware some people may not see it so don't get annoyed if they still send the card addressed as such.

I wish I'd made it clearer at the time. I just assumed that people would continue to use my own surname in the absence of any announcements to the contrary, but an awful lot of people assumed I was going to be changing to Mrs DHSurname without bothering to check with me first.

DH didn't tell anyone he was keeping his own surnane either and funnily enough no one has ever had the cheek to assume he changed to mine.

To me there's a huge difference between people saying "Mr and Mrs X" at the wedding or on cards, and actually changing or not changing your name.

I didn't change my name for a few years, I wasn't sure if I wanted to so left it until I had to renew my passport to make the decision. In the interim I got called Mrs X by lots of people and I just went along with it. They mean to say I'm married to DH, they're not trying to actually confirm my government name.

The only issue I had was that we got some wedding gift cheques made out to newbian X and my bank account was under newbian Y. I had to take my marriage certificate to prove my identity in order to deposit them!

I got married 2 years ago and I was adamant I wasnt changing my name. Husband made joke about it in the speech which kinda of got the message across to people (he didnt mind about no name change). This seemed to work bar a few cheques we got as presents where family members had wrote the cheques out to me with my married name which a 'fake name' if you will with the bank who wouldnt cash them even with marriage cert unless I was changing my name. So just be aware of this.

Ironically 2 years on im pregnant and have now changed my name (except at work where I will keep my maiden name) so baby me and husband will have same name. Its a bloody pain changing it though. If you do keep one bank account in maiden name (again for cheques!)

It's not so much in the immediate aftermath that I found it irritating BTW, it's that 15+ years later despite using my own name in every context, on email, FB, using return address labels on Christmas cards with both our names on etc, some are still persisting with MrsDH surname.

'the institution of marriage is a traditional bond. If you're modern enough not to want his name, why do you want to say the vows?'

Personally I thnk marraige is a very easy way of protecting yourself legally should you separate, which is especially important if you have taken a career break to have children. It is very naive and frankly stupid to drift along without considering the implications of a split. It is possible to go to a lawyer and get legal agreements drawn up instead, but for many a marriage is easier.

I speak as someone who naively thought we' be together for ever only for him to walk out for a collegue. Thankfully we were married, but if we hadn't been I'd have really struggled financially after giving up my career to look after the family.

I put it in the invites because I didn't want cards to come with the wrong name on them - I find it quite offensive when people who know me think I'd ever have considered for a second changing my name and I didn't want that to annoy me on our wedding day.

And yet people still did it and we still had to ask people to change cheques so we could cash them. Yes put it on Facebook. Hire a sky writer. But some people will still be wilfully ignorant about calling you the right name.

In my experience, if you know it's going to annoy you then I would try to nip it in the bud now and if that means an announcement of sorts then so be it but be prepared to have to repeat yourself.

I went double barrelled after I got married, certain family members still, after 10 years and numerous tellings, send cards etc to Mrs My Husbands Name. And not just his surname either. His full name. To some I don't even get to keep my first name. Which makes my eye twitch in a special way.

Good luck! Congratulations and have a lovely day.

God I had the same thing. Our home insurance and energy provider actually took it upon themselves to change my name in their system upon learning we were married

I didn't change my name either. By all means make an announcement but the people who aren't keen will probably ignore you anyway! I've been married for 11 years and my MIL still addresses all cards etc to Mrs and my husbands surname! Have an amazing day!

How do your children feel about it? I took my DH's name and we changed my childs (his stepsons) name too. He was so happy as to him, it meant we were a family with the same surname.

I'm fully aware that sharing a surname isn't the making of a family, but it meant security and just that for my child so I wasn't about to piss on his parade.

I wouldn't bother making a big deal about it via announcement on Fbook. When people found out we were getting married, they often asked, "so what will your name be?" You could then say, "oh it's still going to be Ms Same name".

As for cheques you may receive, if you take photo ID and marriage certificate, you can still bank them. We've been married 3 years and my passport and credit card are still in my maiden name. Only because I needed a new passport to book honeymoon which we did 12 months prior to the date we went and you can only order a married name passport a month or something before you get married.

Totally agree with those saying people who want to ignore you, will.

I mean logic would dictat that even if I intended to change my name, I wouldn't be able to do it as quickly as a few weeks after the wedding to deposit a cheque! Actually when we went on our honeymoon a lady at passport control at the destination asked "If you two are married why don't you have the same name?" Hm...because we got married 2 days ago?

FuckyDuck I don't count myself a feminist (though generalising is as 'silly feminism is very rude), and I can completely understand the OP wanting to keep their own surname. Personally I wouldn't announce it on Facebook, but some 'traditionalist' views are plain rude.

Thank goodness we're leaving 'tradition' behind in marriages - it has lead to women feeling they can keep their 'identity', marriage equality, no need for a religious ceremony, and if it doesn't work out, divorce isn't the social embarrassment it once was. When it comes to marriage, tradition is not necessarily a good thing.

FuckyDuck I married my husband because I love him very much and wanted to make a public declaration and celebration of this, because it meant a great deal to him and his happiness means a great deal to me, and because we wanted the legal protections marriage conveys. If you think all of that is pointless because we both kept our own name then I feel a bit sad that you have such a limited idea of what commitment in a relationship means.

OP, I think bunlicker's suggested text has the perfect tone, and I agree that a light, short message like this is completely appropriate. To those that have said this is making an unnecessary fuss - I've seen a million 'x days until I'm Mrs ABC!!!!!!' posts on Facebook - are they making an unnecessary fuss? I wish I'd made a bigger fuss about it to be honest - all my friends expected me to keep my own name so that was fine, but his family never seem to have grasped it. This year (we've been married a few years now) his aunt sent me a birthday cheque, which was really kind, but it was made out to 'Margaret Husband'ssurname', who isn't a real person.

My bank flatly refuses to bank cheques in the wring surname even with ID and marriage certificate. I have to return them. It hasn't happened for a while though.

OP - you must get to speak to some very thick people.

I married 17 years ago and my wife never took my name. She had to explain this to a few people (we both work in a profession where for work purposes at least women keep their name on marriage) so perhaps it wasn't that unusual in a work setting) but not that many.

Fucky Duck ought to give her head a wobble.

Why are you getting so worked up about this when you gave your children his name?

Good for you. It's a good platform to make people aware and may save hassle in years to come.

As for any comments about why bother getting married, just pity their stupidity.

It's really no big deal. I kept my name and I've been married 13 years. It's rarely an issue. I have 4 dcs with dh name, I just explain (if I'm at drs etc and they need my name too) that my surnames different. I laugh off the very few letters I receive addresses to me and Mrs DH and just view it as really old fashioned.

When I arrived in the uk 15 years ago, I was more surprised that I iften couldn't use 'ms' as an honorific. I had to choose 'miss' or 'mrs'.

And I agree that there will be a contingent who will insist on addressing you with your husband's name even once told, but I do also think there will be others who might unthinkingly assume but who will listen and address you with the correct name if you tell them.

I didn't change my name - the only time it was part of a conversation was when I laid out my refusal to change to my future husband (who entirely agreed with me).

My MIL-to-be was horrified.
'What's the point in getting married then?'.

'Half his pension'

At the wedding they would announce you as Mr X and Ms y after the ceremony so that takes care of that bit.

On facebook you could post one of those "100 days until we become Ms X and Mr Y", ie a take on the many countdown posts which say I will be Mrs Y in 100 days.

I see no reason to announce it - others are
right that it makes it more of a 'thing', but also no reason to get het up if someone assumes you've taken OH's name: It is what plenty of women do (probably without considering alternatives) after all.

Ive written 'Mr and Mrs' on wedding cards without even thinking about it and would hate to think offence had ever been caused; it certainly wasn't meant.

And I think a FB post is a good idea. We had the odd card to Mr and Mrs X, which didn't massively bother me, although I have since ensured that those people know our surnames.

We were announced at dinner by our first names.