To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

LOL! The gift that keeps on giving

OP here.

I didn't expect so many responses when I first posted!

A couple of women at my work asked me what had been happening with my wedding plans and I mentioned about the name change comments. Both women changed their name upon marriage and both said they wished they hadn't. One of them said they felt like they had lost their identity and all these years later it still feels odd. She said she might change it back in a few years when her children are older. I wonder how many other women feel like that? A man overhead the conversation and said i shouldn't get annoyed when people change my name and title on assumption, it's not a big deal and it's a first world problem. He will never have that problem. His daughter will though.

It shouldn't be a big deal but it is. PPs who agree with namechanging say it's not big deal/calm down/chill out haven't been in my situation so it is, and I mean this politely, very easy for you to say.

Exactly.

Hi OP - thanks for starting this thread, it has been really interesting ... in places

I was memorably called a lesbian at my own wedding (to a bloke) twenty years ago, for mentioning in conversation that I wasn't going to change my name. By an annoying dinosaurish guest that my Dad had insisted I invite against my better judgement

To be honest it doesn't really bother me when I get envelopes addressed to "Mrs Hisname" - I still open them. It's usually older people who don't know me well (husband's aunties etc). But if I'm speaking with people who call me by the wrong name I just quietly put them right "My name is Myname". It's not an unreasonable assumption to make, but it is an assumption.

I don't often use an honorific with my own name, but when I do it's Ms. Anyone calling me "Mrs Myname" just puts me in mind of my mother. (one chap at work just can't get his head around it that married women don't have to be called Mrs). Anyone in officialdom who asks "Miss or Mrs?" just gets told "It's Ms - em ess."

It's so normal in my husband's professional circles for women to keep their own family name on marriage, he had kind of assumed that I would too, before I even mentioned it.

it's not a big deal and it's a first world problem

I hate this trend these days to dismiss things as "first world" problems. Yes, of course others in the world have bigger things to worry about, but actually accepting everyday sexism is not a small issue. The routine acceptance of the status quo with dismissive, "don't you have bigger things to worry about?" type remarks is exactly why sexual discrimination is still alive and kicking in today's society when by rights, it should have been long dead.

Apart from all the other excellent arguments for not automatically changing your name, by my rough calculations (half of marriages ending), you've got about a one in four chance of ending up with the name of a man who's ditched you.

As is the case for me now

I kept my maiden name and am glad. It's not a minor thing in my opinion, my name is my name and it is a big deal to change it.
I sometimes wonder whether my DH had married me sooner and not made me wait the best part of two decades I might have been more inclined to take his name as some romantic gesture As it is, in those two decades I had plenty of time to get to know my MIL and decided that I did not want to share her name!

It is strange how DH doesn't really care what surname I have but how other people simply won't accept my choice. I constantly have post addressed to MrsDH - even my own family do it. It irks me a bit but not to any degree where I would feel the need to say anything.

I guess if me and DH had children then the whole surname thing would've been trickier.

I guess if me and DH had children then the whole surname thing would've been trickier.

Not in my experience. DD shares DH's surname and has mine as a middle name. She loves that she has such a link to both families.

I never felt the need to share a name with her - she's the only person to ever have heard my heartbeat from the inside. We don't need a shared name to be bonded.

Indeed TittyGolightly although I don't see why in general a child should automatically be given their father's surname (not saying she was in your case). This is also an example of sexism and men's identities taking priority in my opinion; if I ever have a child they will definitely have my surname.

Certainly not automatic for us, but double barrelling 2 4 syllable surnames wasn't an option! We had lots of discussions rows about names.

Totally agree with Bunlicker on a brief clarification post on FB being appropriate, maybe with a request to pass the message along to friends and relies who are not on social media? Then reiterate it when signing off thank you cards and politely enlighten those that get it wrong going forward - be that intentionally or otherwise. You don't have to justify it or be drawn into discussion - it's no one's choice but your own but I agree that it's an emotive subject entrenched in so many other bigger issues.

I had DC1 before we got married and possibly a little younger than I'd anticipated starting a family. He was given his dad's surname and I always felt really awkward entering our details for play groups etc and being the only person on the list who had a different name to their child. This probably says more about how I felt about the situation then anyone else actually judging me. I'm sure it is much more common now. I was therefore quite happy to become MrsExHusband when we subsequently got married. Plus I didn't like my maiden name and his was really nice.

Now divorced I've become MsExHusband rather than going back to my maiden name because I want to have the same name as my DCs; it's still a nice name and also the one I've always been known by professionally. No one has really commented on this until recently: MrExHusband's new wife opted to keep her name and apparently this causes some confusion on social media as to who is married to who, so he asked if I would change it back. I said I'd think about it - although I doubt very much that I will.

How can any woman say she's not a feminist btw? Seriously you don't believe men and women are equal? WTAF?!

I was told earlier this week by a female colleague mid-20s, thinks her boyfriend should fund her lifestyle and practices her married signature in her lunch hour to "tone down the feminism".

Once aid picked my jaw up off the floor she got a bit of a history/sociology lesson (hopefully it's overwritten all the Love Island knowledge she stores in her head).

Guess it's easy to take your rights for granted when you've not had to fight for them personally - you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Getting a little twitchy over the Brexit Repeal Bill

My DS1 recently described Love Island as "A breeding habitat for the intellectually vacuous"!! Spot on. Good lad.

"How can any woman say she's not a feminist btw? Seriously you don't believe men and women are equal? WTAF?! confused"

What is a feminist these days? What kind of feminist are you? Feminism is so fractured and the different groups at each others throats.

My mother is not a feminist.

She freely admits that.
She thinks men are more capable, smarter, more emotionally strong and more able to make decisions than women.
She doesn't believe in equal pay, she thinks it's unfair to men, who will always do work to a better and faster standard than women.

How do you have any conversations

Anotheremma- are you asking me?

Yes I was responding to your post... it wasn't really a serious question as I'm sure you do have conversations... I was just thinking that I would find it really difficult to engage with someone with those views, and if it was my own mother it would drive me mad!

Emma, I have learned to avoid such subjects with her, and others where we disagree so fundamentally.
Conversation is usually banal- cats in the neighbourhood, friends she met on the bus, surgical procedures and medical complaints, quiz shows, etc. These are all fairly safe areas.

Sounds sensible

eople, woman whatever, it is more common for a woman not to change their name FACT. So don't get offended. That is all I'm saying!!!!!!!! I'm not saying at all that people shouldnt keep their name. Jus don't get offended by people's assumptions!!!!!

Lol. "Don't go getting your panties in a twist everyone, even though I've used about a dozen exclamation points to tell you how offended I am at your potential offence"

All of your post makes you sound about 5 lally

I have a slightly odd situation.

I married, changed my name to my husbands ( many years ago), then divorced.

When I divorced I decided to keep my married name as it is the same name as my mother's maiden name.
So to me remaining "Smith" was as valid as going back to my father's surname.

Works for me.

Just thought I'd pop by to say I still haven't posted on FB...

I'm expecting eye rolling and sexist comments in response to it. Not that I'll see any eye rolling.

I had DPs phone the other day to get info from an email from wedding venue what's-the-point-in-getting-married-then guy and DP had replied to him, unprompted, reiterating our full names and that they'd be staying the same after the wedding. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside for some reason! 😂

OP, I'm in a similar situation to you and am keeping my name. Some of the family have a dificulty with it and have already been referring to us as Mr&Mrs (insert name here) on envelopes and postcards. (They think this is funny as we're not married yet.)

I have been telling them for years that I'm keeping my name (I thought they needed a run-up) but would have no problem stating it on FB too, just so everyone knows. I think it's courteous really as some people will just assume you've changed it but would be embarrassed to get it wrong. I think a simple post about it, maybe with a photo, is a good idea. If anyone had a problem with that, I would ask why as maybe they're not your friends?