To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

Appalazian That's what I assumed my experience would be too - lots of feminist women in their thirties keeping the names under which they'd built careers and identities. To my surprise, I found that almost none of them have kept their names - in fact, I know one other woman who has. I'm all for everyone making their own choice, but what I do find a bit depressing is that only a couple of those women have said 'well, I thought about it and decided this is what I wanted to do'. Everyone else has 'reasons' - reasons that, weirdly, none of the men I know seem to have decided to ditch their names over: 'my name is boring'; 'my name is too hard to spell'; 'I don't like my dad'.

"Just don't be dick and make a big deal about it. "

The problem is that other people make a big deal of a presumed namechange, and then carry on and make a big deal about why you haven't changed your name (are they being 'dicks' ?).... so you need to be clear and heard if you want people to call you by the correct name.

This is so attention seeking, if you don't want to name change that's all fine and well. But you know most people will assume you have as that's what traditionally happens

It isn;t attention seeking, it makes perfect sense to clear up any possible confusion right at the start.

I don't know why you needed to make a point to the wedding venue bloke. Obviously he was just making a suggestion about the light up thingy and rather than "no thank you" you had to make a point to a bloke you'll probably never see again about not being a Mrs. Why does it even matter to him?

She just told him she'd still be Ms X when he looked confused. Hardly making a point.

I'm all for everyone making their own choice, but what I do find a bit depressing is that only a couple of those women have said 'well, I thought about it and decided this is what I wanted to do'.

I didn't give it a second thought having gone through 27 years of hell because of my stupid name. It was like ditching the albatross hanging round my neck! I've kept it after divorce too. I don't care what other people do or what their reasons are and their choice is no more valid than mine.

But she could have just said no thank you to the suggestion and left it at that.

I haven't changed my name and now have no idea what to tick as my 'title' on forms and stuff, usually go with Miss since I haven't changed my name....

Another comment, even my Dad can't bloody get/accept I am still Miss Blue. He put my DH's name on my placecard at his wedding and even booked the hotel room in DH's name. I think he's forgotten he has a daughter...despite the fact it's his name I've kept using!

Also, DH comes from a culture where women don't change their name after marriage, so never been a big question here luckily.

Wedding venue Staff shouldn't make assumptions, in this day and age. And It's not a big deal, it's just answer.

Yeah maybe they shouldn't. Like I said, I didn't change my name either but I can't get worked up about people who get it wrong. Life's too short and all that...

Post something upbeat like 'looking forward to being Mrs Kid rather then Miss Kid ... only five more weeks to go'

Huh?

We didn't make any pre-wedding announcements (or demands for cash ) so whilst the cheques that came from generous relatives and friends were much appreciated, having to send them all back and explain to everyone that yes, we did get married but no, we don't have a joint account and if we did it wouldn't be in the names of Mr + Mrs Hisname was a massive pain in the arse.

Even now my aunt sends cheques for my DD made out to me in my right name in an envelope a addressed to Mrs Hisname. 🙄

If you don't challenge assumptions, how do you get anyone to stop making them?

I do challenge them, as in I explain if someone gets it wrong that actually no I'm Ms X not Mrs Y, I just didn't feel the need for a Facebook announcement.

Isn't it actually less attention seeking/dramatic to tell people in a low-key way in advance rather than to allow them to get it wrong and then correct them?

I actually got an xmas present from my MIL to be address to mr & mrs hissurname.

She knows I would be keeping my name and worse of all, we aren't even married yet!

I'd be telling everyone I am not changing my name beforehand and correcting everyone immediately they get it wrong, asking for cheques to be redone if needed.

But she could have just said no thank you to the suggestion and left it at that.

My guess would be that rather than trying to Feminist him in to submission she was just politely giving an explanation for why she didn't want something that could be taken as insulting to his offer.

"No thank you we're having Blue as theme so it won't match"

"No thank you I'm not changing my name so it won't really work''

you ainu to announce anything on Facebook unless your a 10 year old.

Mostly people won't really give a rats ass what you call yourself.

aibu

Making a FB post about it is not "making a big deal". It's Facebook not scrolling news on the BBC. Only on MN is what people post on Facebook cause for high drama. It's all a storm in a teacup isn't it? If I posted an announcement like that on FB I guarantee no one would bat an eyelid, because I'm not friends with drama llamas or misogynists.

Women changing their name is still the norm, so pointing out that you aren't changing yours is a very appropriate and polite thing to do. Facebook is the perfect way to do it because it's very low-key and will reach all your friends and relatives and aquaintances at once. Much less hassle than having to track down a million people in person and find a way to bring it up in conversation.

Some people think feminism is a dirty word (hi it literally means: "wanting women to have equal rights as men"; if you are "not a feminist" it means you are either against equal rights, or are ignorant and naive as to what the word actually means) and that any hint that a woman might (gasp) be interested in equal rights is a shameful dirty thing. It reminds me of the arguments against GLBT people, you know, "I'm not homophobic but why do those people have to shove their lifestyle choices in our faces?"

Going to something from a few pages ago, there are still companies and websites that won't allow Ms. I cancelled a cruise a couple of years ago because the company flatly refused to permit anything other than Mrs or Miss.

All this silly feminism
Genuinely assumed this was a spoof/sarcastic post at first. How terrifying. The rise of misogyny and return to extremist right wing "traditional values" amongst young women honestly makes me fear for the future of humanity. There seems to be a trend right now for some young people to swing to the right wing which is very worrying, especially the ways in which the Far Right / Alt Right have exploited the young (eg the way the white supremacist movement are actively recruiting POC to sell antisemitism, like that Muslim Indian teen who wound up being poster child for a neo-Nazi group). Hating feminism because you want to rebel against the older generation or whatever is very childish. Or do you do it because you think it will help you land a boyfriend?

PS I recommend posters google the history of marriage. Marriage as we know it (and particularly many of the specific traditions associated with the Western marriage ceremony) is actually a very modern invention with little comparison to historical marital practices.

I really hope in about 5 years time these kinds of discussions will seem as old fashioned as arguing that women shouldn't wear trousers.

Who cares whether you keep your name or not? Entirely up to you. I kept my name - because it's my name.

Wouldn't it have been easier for your partner to take yours and yours son's name? Your son might not realise he's going to have explain the name change for decades if he needs to do anything official (like apply for working visas outside of the country)

Because I had my maiden name and DS had his biological Dad's name so we had three different surnames. I wanted to take my DH's name.

And it's not a big effort to explain it. Why are you now Pea - Soup not Pea? Oh because I took my Stepdad surname.

I kept my name: : some of the wedding guests sent cheques with 'Mr and Mrs DH's name' written on them.
..so If you are expecting gifts I'd let people know.

cross posted with Titty: who was more sensible than us. Having specified no gifts the almighty faff of having to send all the cheques back was too much so we just shredded them and sent thank you notes.

How about when you send your grabby poem asking for cash for the honeymoon (as apparently is required these days) you say cheques should be made out to "Ms Ginergerbreadkid".

They may get the hint that way.

And it's not a big effort to explain it. Why are you now Pea - Soup not Pea? Oh because I took my Stepdad surnam

he will have to show the paperwork to explain the name change.

And if you divorce and remarry then he'd have to do the same again.

My dh's mum changed his name from his birth father every time she got married and it did make things a hassle for him.

Though, and I'm not picking on you but you've twice now given your son other men's names. If he'd always been Baby Britbugs youd havehad the same name. You only had to change his to make you all family because you started out by not giving him yours in the first place

I think mentioning it on FB is not a bad idea, OP (if it's too late to put it on your invitations, as a pp did which seemed like a great idea).

It gets the point across to those on FB, and may even spark a little bit of discussion outside of FB, which is no bad thing. bunlickers phraseology seems to hit the spot; factual and light.

It's becoming more and more typical to keep your name, but (as well demonstrated by a poster on this thread) , the message could still do with highlighting.