To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

@Bunlicker I once knew a Mr Stiff and Ms Morecock who were dating. Doomed!

But surely it leaves little point to getting married if you refuse to change your name? The idea behind marriage is to share everything. To join together? Isn't that like saying "Well, we can share a percentage of everything but I don't want to become part of the 'Smith' family, I want to remain as part of the 'Jones' family" but yeah, I'll take 50% of your assets and have the wonderful wedding day 👍🏻 Cheers

Not being disrespectful, just saying my take on it. I find it truly baffling.

The idea behind marriage is to share everything.
Certainly not for me. DH and I have lots of different interests and there are quite a few things that we don't share. I don't think this is particularly unusual.

My name is not my father's name. It is my bloody name, because it is the name that I have built a life/reputation/career/personal relationships around.

A bridegroom's name is also acquired from his father--so logically, he doesn't "own" his own name either if you apply the same argument. Why don't you ever hear of men jettisoning their names on the grounds that "It's my father's name, not mine"? I think it's infuriating that men are considered to own their own names while women are not.

If you want to change your own name to that of your husband, fine, but be honest with yourself that this is about following tradition. And please do not insult me by implying that I do not own my own name!

But surely it leaves little point to getting married if you refuse to change your name?

Why? In plenty of cultures husband and wives do not share the same name. Are they not properly married?

What do you think about husbands who "refuse" to take their wives' names?

*What about future children?

FuckyDuck* they live as normal? With whatever names their parents choose? If you're talking about difficulty in travelling abroad with one of the parents with the child shares a different surname then the parent can easily just pack a birth cert or something.

But surely it leaves little point to getting married if you refuse to change your name? The idea behind marriage is to share everything. To join together?

I can sort of see this as an argument for all couples double-barrelled/combining their names. I can't see it at all as an argument for a situation where the woman changes her name and the man does nothing. How is that 'sharing'? Is he 'refusing to be part of the family'?

I think a FB post may be making an issue out of it but totally agree with not changing your name. I added DH's surname to the end of mine so it is first name surname DHsurname and not double barrelled. Surprisingly easy to do this. At the wedding we had things using our first name initials or first names so no Mr and Mrs.

Not sure whether I'm a mrs or a ms to be honest - what's the default in U.K.?!

Currently pregnant with DC#1 and they will also have two surnames, I like people trying to get their head around it :)

But surely it leaves little point to getting married if you refuse to change your name?

What a sad and shallow conception of marriage.

Using your logic, why draw the line at sharing a last name, if it's so fundamental to your marriage? Why aren't you sharing a first name too? Why did you refuse to change your name to his? You're supposed to share everything.

"But surely it leaves little point to getting married if you refuse to change your name? The idea behind marriage is to share everything. To join together?"

You can actually change your name/s and choose to use the same name without getting married. Which surely leaves no point at all to marriage.

Oh, except the legal partnership which is actually the main difference between married and non-married, of course, that gives financial protection in many circumstances, etc....

God, there are some Neanderthals on this thread.

If it's so vital married couples 'share' a name, why does it have to be the man's name? Why is the woman the one who's expected to change? I have no issue with women changing their name but please do ensure you at least have a vague grasp of why you're doing it and the history behind it.

But surely it leaves little point to getting married if you refuse to change your name?

Why did my husband get married, then?

Just put something light on Facebook

Dear friends - we're not going all traditional when we marry as I'm keeping my maiden name, just am, no controversy - thought I'd mention it as I'll no doubt be asked a million times, so I'll be Ms. X and he'll be Mr Y
That is all

Isn't that like saying "Well, we can share a percentage of everything but I don't want to become part of the 'Smith' family, I want to remain as part of the 'Jones' family" but yeah, I'll take 50% of your assets and have the wonderful wedding day 👍🏻 Cheers

What an odd view.

I had more assets than DH on our wedding day. I allowed him to remain himself, with his name and his own choices about everything without the world ending.

Also, I married DH because I wanted to, not because I wanted to leave my family and become part of his. His family are still his family and mine are mine!

Lydia, did you DH add your surname to his, too?

We've never shared a bank account either.

I find it staggering that in this day and age people can't grasp their own ignorance if they can't see the point in getting married if you don't change your name

No point in men getting married then is there?

It does sadden me that the default is for the women to change their name as it is 'expected' of them. But then again some of the comments on this thread about why bother getting married if you don't change your name are baffling to me.

But if people choose to take their Husband's surname, why is assumed from almost every fucking post on here, that they have been forced into it, they are letting the female race down, that they are stupid, uneducated, allowing sexism, disregarding those who choose not to change and apparently don't understand marriage.

Why is it so hard to get your apparently broad minds to accept that actually, some people choose gasp to take their Husband's name? In exactly the same way you choose not to?

I couldn't give a tiny rat's ass what name you choose. I made my choice on what was right for me and my family but that doesn't give the right for those who don't name change to be upset because they think it's wrong yet try and batter my decision with the skewered logic that they are right, that my Husband should have taken my name, that I'm going to change my child's name each time I getting fucking married apparently.

Just fuck right off with your logic that your way is the right way then try to peddle the choice argument. We all make choices based on opinions and feelings and no one gets to dictate any different.

There are good reasons for not changing your name. A relative who married has a very succesful business in her name, so kept her maiden name (and isn't that an old fashioned term). I have been with my partner for 22 years - I get annoyed when people call me Mrs partner, just assuming we are married. If we ever married I would keep my name - I've had it a long time! Also, I don't like his surname particularly. I would let people know on the invite, but people you don't know will usually assume you are Mrs husband's name, so be prepared for that. Not everyone uses facebook anyway.

Brittbugs80 yes it's your choice and is a valid one. The issue I have is that it is expected by so many people and is a surprise to them when you say you are not changing your name. Some people actually think you must change your name to your husbands and actually ask whether you are allowed to keep your name. Even worse is when you explicitly say you are not changing your name they still address you by Mrs husbandsname. I would always address someone by their name so it is insulting when others refuse to do that back to me.

Why is it so hard to get your apparently broad minds to accept that actually, some people choose gasp to take their Husband's name? In exactly the same way you choose not to?

Of course women choose it, but they're choosing it in the context of a patriarchal society that sets up that expectation from birth, so it's not exactly a free choice. Otherwise, it'd be a bit of a coincidence that 80% or whatever of women are choosing this and only 1% of men are, wouldn't it?

What any individual woman does with her name is up to her. Doesn't mean the wider convention isn't sexist.

Women choosing to change their names aren't doing it in exactly the same way I chose not to, though. Because one of the reasons I made my decision is because I didn't want to continue a chattel era custom, and that clearly can't be true of a woman who chose to continue that custom.

I don't take the view that women are forced into changing, because although that's manifestly true in a few cases, it equally obviously isn't for most. Nor do I think it's sad necessarily: I have not walked in the shoes of a woman who changed her name so it's not for me to say. But what I do know is that her decision wasn't made in exactly the same way mine was.

@TestTubeTeen no he didn't and that's fine with me. His choice and mine to change, not change. I just wanted us to all have the same name when we have children.

Everyone has a right to choose what they want to do :)

I wasn't going to change my name but decided to take on his family name to honour his father who sadly died not long before our wedding.
I didn't make a big fuss over either decision. I just told h2b that I would like to take his name for that reason.