To announce on Facebook I'm not changing my name?!

[gingerbreadkid]

I am getting married in a couple of months and will be keeping my surname and title of Ms.

When this has cropped up in conversation people have been losing their minds! Couple of examples: 1. Talking with colleague and she spluttered but it's the law! After being pressured to give my reasons why she nodded and made all the right noises then whispered but what does your DP think about it?? And said in a way that he must object.

1. Man at venue for wedding breakfast said we could have light up letters in Mr & Mrs and I replied oh I won't be Mrs. And he looked at me in complete confusion. I said I'll still be Ms kid. And right away he came out with but what's the point of getting married?! He actually said that!

It has been brought up in conversation with a couple of others and they have been incredulous. I'm starting to find it a bit tedious tbh. To me it's not A. Big. Deal. But seemingly it is to others!

I'm waiting for the swathes of wedding cards to be addressed to Mr & Mrs DP's Surname. And I'm getting a little annoyed that it is just assumed I'm changing my name.

I am tempted to make a public announcement on Facebook telling everyone I'm not changing my name! Only half joking. I don't wan't to make a big deal out of it but I don't want to be suddenly addressed as someone I'm not!

We are Dr X and Dr Y. I don't even wear a wedding ring. Since most people thought we were married for years before we actually were (so I'd already corrected most on my name over the years), people didn't make the assumption after we were married. We got married for the legal protection aspect, not because I'm desparate to be called Mrs to show I've not been left on the shelf.

I use my title of Dr because why shouldn't I be proud of having achieved that? Why should women be considered pretentious if they are proud of having worked hard an why shouldn't I use my title as an example to female students that women can achieve high levels of education too.

My doctorate took me 8 years to achieve (including all my university years), my wedding took 15 mins to book and plan. I'm proud to have a strong relationship with dh, but I don't consider it an achievement to have married him.

In the US it is also the common practice for a married woman who takes her husband's name to retain her birth name as a middle name, as in Hillary Rodham Clinton. I do think that makes the choice to change a bit easier for many American women. That and the default use of Ms.

Also the practice of using surnames as first names for children helps preserve women's names. My son, who has DH's surname has a surname for a first name.

Good for you for keeping your name.
My last name is a pain to spell and my husbands is piss easy so I changed mine simply for the spelling thing, but 9 years down the road I regret it and miss my actual name.
Turns out even a really easy name can be mispellt !

And I'd got my real signature down to a t, whereas I feel like I'm forging my new one - 9 yrs and it still feels like the 'new' one....hey ho!

mispellt - spelt incorrectly

All of those saying it is a legal thing and not a pretty little ceremony......how much did you spend on your legal contract? If you went all bridezilla then its just a bit silly. Registry office and a handful of friends would suffice

Feminist are well known for their bridezilla tendencies I had a white trouser suit, dh got a suit as he didn't have one and then the cost of the registry.

I've not changed my name, much to the genuine disappointment of my husband, who (for whatever reasons that I wouldn't want to guess at here) would like it very much. This has been an issue, to the point where- after it kept coming up- I once got drunk and then cried a lot about how uncompromising I was being, and how sorry I was that I simply am not prepared to budge on this issue!

Similarly to a pp, I'm about to graduate from my doctorate (yay!) in a fortnight, so this horrible "Ms" will finally go away (I just think it sounds ugly, and passive-aggressive after a teacher at school would shout at us for getting her title wrong.... we just called every female teacher "Miiiisss" when we wanted their attention!). I'm delighted that my parents' surname will be announced, as they are the ones who got me to that stage in life and it's their achievement too :)

Many people still send invitations and cards etc to us as Mr & Mrs HisSurname, but it doesn't bother me much- they're making a very standard assumption, it's not personal. Faintly irritating, though. Tell us what you do put, OP, if you post on Facebook- I might copy and paste ;)

All of those saying it is a legal thing and not a pretty little ceremony......how much did you spend on your legal contract? If you went all bridezilla then its just a bit silly. Registry office and a handful of friends would suffice

Just under £1500 for a registry office with 9 guests.

All of those saying it is a legal thing and not a pretty little ceremony......how much did you spend on your legal contract?

Honestly? We spent £200 for the registry office, then came home to fish and chips and a bottle of prosecco. I did splash out on a new dress though, it was £40 in the sale and I've worn it for several other occassions since. We didn't even buy wedding rings.

MargaretCavendish

Couldn't have put it better myself! THANK YOU!

Grief, I wrote about this 40 years ago in RSA. I didn't change my name on marriage, because it was who I was and what I worked under and I was neither a Mrs Something or Mrs Millie so Ms did it for me. Found my liberal Afrikaaner great aunt hadn't done so either - it wasn't their tradition as it isn't in a lot of countries.

DC have DH name - otherwise it would be quadruple barrelled which would be stupid if they married another double barrelled. I just wanted to keep my working and born name.

Interestingly it's your given first name that is the legal identifier in the UK. Not your surname.

Go to BBC Radio 4 Women's Hour today to listen to an interesting broadcast about the history of Mrs, Miss Ms etc. For years Mrs, short for Mistress, was an indicator of class rather than marital status -- just one of the interesting facts.

If you went all bridezilla then its just a bit silly.

Well, I will admit that I did go full white wedding with all the trimmings, but in my defense, I live in the Southern US and my momma would have been devastated if we had run off to the courthouse; also my parents were paying, so as the old country song goes, "if you have the money, honey, I have the time."

I wasn't given away though. My dad walked me down the aisle, but no passage of ownership took place.

yes do that, the Mycocks and Buttocks name. I love those names, wouldn't change either of them for toffee!

We can pick and choose. Things evolve and improve all the time. So that's what we do with marriage and weddings. It's perfectly fine to have a big fancy wedding and not change your name. Everyone claiming that women all have free choice (although I question that concept, but I cba to go into it now) must surely also accept that women and men can CHOOSE the traditions they like and discard the ones they don't?

It's tempting to share what kind of wedding I had and what I think made it feminist, but that's not really the point. The point is that we shouldn't be fighting and judging each other and defending ourselves.

I think people who have changed their names get very defensive on these threads, but I personally am not judging you. You do what you want, and I don't object to that, but I do object to the wider phenomenon of societal expectation and pressure. That's not a criticism of you personally.

Oh and "bridezilla" is a pretty sexist/misogynistic word anyway.

Women are expected (according to stereotypes) to want to get married and dream about it from girlhood and wait patiently, silently and passively for a proposal and then do absolutely all the planning with excitement and grace without offending a single person and then be perfectly calm and beautiful on the day...

The minute a woman dares to have a strong opinion about her wedding or to express frustration, anger or upset about anything, she is open to accusations of being a "bridezilla".

Women just can't win. It's no wonder some of them do go a bit crazy as far as weddings go.

I've kept my maiden name. As I said to DH before we married 16 months ago, I've been a BagLady all my life, I don't want to change.
I asked if he was going to take my name, or maybe we could double barrel?
At the end of the day, before we got married he would get called Mr BagLady and I would get called Mrs DHsurname so it's really a case of plus ca change.
Mind you, it annoys me a little that his parents insist on sending things to me as Mrs DHsurname.
His name, my name, it makes no odds. We love each other and are committed to each other, and we know that so that's all that counts.

I got married 3 years ago and have just changed my name because it is obvious DH had a problem with it.

It does piss me off tbh. Why do women have to be the ones to change their name? FFS. And why do women have different titles to announce their marital status, when grown men are always simply "Mr".

It's ridiculous, But that's the world we live in. I did it because I think it will help my marriage. If your DH is fine with it, keep your name and tell anybody who has a problem with it to fuck right off.

Great posts AnotherEmma.

scottishtreehugger I concur with you but think it's incredibly disrespectful of your husband to put you in that situation - what right does he have to have a problem with you keeping the name which is yours? Why should he not have changed his? It's incredibly disheartening so many women are still being pressured into changing their surnames upon marriage whilst those who don't are criticised or assumed to have anyway.

Keep it even if he isn't.

scottish

"Why do women have to be the ones to change their name?"
We don't have to. It's not the law (as some ignorant people seem to think). "And why do women have different titles to announce their marital status, when grown men are always simply "Mr"."
Again, not essential. You can use Ms.
"that's the world we live in."
Well... it's the world some people live in, apparently. But plenty of women keep their names and use Ms. Plenty of men respect that. Hell, some men even take their wife's surname!!!

Honestly, if it annoys you (and you're right to be annoyed by it), just change your name back again.

"If your DH is fine with it, keep your name"
Say what now?!
Did you give your DH permission to keep his name?!

NoLoveofMine
Thanks! I agree with your posts too. Obviously

Indeed AnotherEmma. No boy or man would ever get not to be fine with me keeping my surname. Why on Earth would they? It's my name.

OP - YANBU

This is one of my favourite topics and I have namechanged for it as my story is fairly outing! (Although Lucy Stone is not my name - she was the first woman in the USA to keep her own name after marriage!)

I married at the age of 25 and wasn't keen on changing my name but my DH to be was so affronted at the thought that I capitulated .

I then came up with the idea of having two surnames as in eg Ms Lucy Stone Blackwell! (Like Hillary Rodham Clinton referenced above). Well DH to be was still not happy. .

So, I married and became Ms (clamping down on Mrs as much as I could) Lucy Blackwell.

So approximately 13 years passed - I had become a feminist by then and read a lot about women's rights and I came across the story of Lucy Stone. Her quote "My name is my identity and must not be lost" seared into my brain as soon as I read it.

So I told DH that I was changing my name by deed poll to Ms Lucy Stone Blackwell. Told all my family, changed all my documents etc etc. It feels AMAZING.

DH having been educated on feminism was not bothered at all.

The reason I did not go straight back to Lucy Stone is due to our DS having the surname Blackwell. However anywhere where I need to give a name and my full name is not used I use Lucy Stone (eg garage, hairdressers).

I always knew in my heart that I will eventually ditch the Blackwell and go back to my identity. It's been over 3 years now and still people can't cope with 2 surnames with no hypen. I will possibly wait until DS is a bit older and going to secondary - I do not want them calling me Mrs Blackwell.

Last week I was at an awards ceremony and had to present an award and I was announced as Lucy Blackwell. In that moment I decided to change at work to Lucy Stone (which means changing email etc etc).

So my advice is do not change your surname if you have any doubts. If you don't feel like "you" then go to a half way of Ms OriginalName DHsName - then in a few years go back to Ms OriginalName.

And to address the original OP - absolutely publicise this on Facebook and link to the Lucy Stone information.

"Lucy Stone's radical move to keep her own name continued to inspire and enrage. In 1879, Massachusetts gave women a limited right to vote: for the school committee. But, in Boston, the registrars refused to let Lucy Stone vote unless she used her husband's name. She continued to find that, on legal documents and when registering with her husband at hotels, she had to sign as "Lucy Stone, married to Henry Blackwell," for her signature to be accepted as valid."

< what an inspirational woman!

We decided years ago that when we got married we would go double barreled my last name and his. We had our DD before we got married and straight away had her name as double barreled, she was 2 1\2 when we got married, so people had long enough to get their heads around it. Pretty much all the cards were Mr and Mrs his name and even a couple of daughters birthday cards went from being the double barreled to just his last name.
when I changed my name at the bank I asked them if I could change his whilst there as it is only on the joint ban account and they said "men don't change their name" even the doctors was a nightmare.