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AIBU?

To not want anyone there whilst in hospital with DS?

640 replies

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:25

Apart from DH of course.

I don't want MIL/SIL visiting whilst I'm there. It's against my wishes tbh. I want House visits only.

DH is a bit Hmm at me but that's how it is. I will be in quite a vulnerable position, regardless of how easy or not so my birth ends up.

I would 100% have my Mum there when DS is born but, she lives too far away, and she won't be able to straight away. She will also be visiting once we're home.

OP posts:
NikiBabe · 09/07/2017 20:28

Will you even be in long enough for visitors?

If all goes to plan I thought they turfed you out after a couple of hours.

MyheartbelongstoG · 09/07/2017 20:29

Is baby your husbands too......

Onhold · 09/07/2017 20:30

So you would let you mum visit but your DH can't have his mum visit?

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:31

Yes, baby is DH's too, of course.

I understand that it doesn't sound very 'fair' but I'd have just gone through a very big event and be quite vulnerable. Surely my comfort is priority here?

I really wouldn't feel comfort with MIL there

OP posts:
comedycentral · 09/07/2017 20:32

Your birth, your choice. You can see them at home when your ready. If you can't put yourself and your own needs first after going through labour then when can you?!

IHaveCausedConfusionAndDelay · 09/07/2017 20:32

Of course tambura.

The baby is her dh's too myheart but that doesn't give him the right to bring his parents in to see a woman who is incredibly vulnerable and may be physically exposed (I was in stirrups for several hours after ds1 and if anyone had seen me I'd have been hysterical).

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:33

Must be worth adding that I will indeed be in long enough for visitors for reasons I won't go into

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PastaPosha · 09/07/2017 20:33

Imagine your ds has a wife in 30 years time and they are having their first baby/your first grandchild. She does not want you there. Her mother is welcome but you are not. Nor is your daughter, who has always been close to her brother and is so excited about her new nephew. You realise that this is how it will be, held at a distance from your adored baby's baby. How devastating would that be?

comedycentral · 09/07/2017 20:33

Dh isn't the patient though? The op's needs at this time trump her husband's. Her body, her feelings, her vulnerability, her choice.

MissBax · 09/07/2017 20:34

I would say it's fair enough, but it isn't I'd you'd have your mum there and not DH's. That's very unfair.

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:35

Imagine your ds has a wife in 30 years time and they are having their first baby/your first grandchild. She does not want you there. Her mother is welcome but you are not. Nor is your daughter, who has always been close to her brother and is so excited about her new nephew. You realise that this is how it will be, held at a distance from your adored baby's baby. How devastating would that be?

This will be MIL's 5th grandchild.

I understand she'll want to see DS but we will be home relatively shortly, surely she can wait until that time, no?

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Grumpus21 · 09/07/2017 20:36

It's a very vulnerable time and whilst I appreciate everyone wants to meet the baby, there is something special about it being just you and your partner in those first few days. My MIL was very respectful and understood this. It can be overwhelming when you've just had a baby and personally
I needed to get my head round it a bit before I started having to receive visitors!

Sirzy · 09/07/2017 20:37

I do think saying your Mum would be allowed by not his is a bit unfair so can see why he isn't happy.

LuchiMangsho · 09/07/2017 20:38

It's your choice but it's also your DH's choice to feel a bit sad that his Mum can't come. Don't assume though you will feel vulnerable and need privacy. I felt fab after my C section and couldn't wait to show him off. My best friends came to visit, my BIL, my sister and her family. I absolutely loved showing him off to those who would love him too. But I also come from a culture where mums get plenty of help from extended family etc (with the good and bad bits of that attached) and my MIL came after my birth (my own mother is v elderly) and she cooked and cleaned and ran my household for 6 weeks so I could lie in bed and feed. She made me endless cups of tea, told me her own breastfeeding tales and she and FIL actually bought me an iPad to deal with the boredom during the endless hours of cluster feeding.

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:38

do think saying your Mum would be allowed by not his is a bit unfair so can see why he isn't happy.

I feel 100% comfortable around my own Mother, I certainly do not feel this way with MIL and think I have a fair right to do what makes me comfortable. My DM won't be there anyway. Like MIL, she will be able to visit when I get home

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CuppaSarah · 09/07/2017 20:39

Just see how you go. You might find you want the company, or want to show off your beautiful new baby. But you also might not. Tell everyone you'll see how you feel after and no more than that. There's too many ifs and buts with thie whole giving birth stuff to worry about specifics.

Efferlunt · 09/07/2017 20:40

This is why I get depressed about only having boys :-( I'm going to be excluded from all their big life events.

On the other hand I wouldn't want my MIL to come to the hospital either, she's a difficult woman to get along with and I do get what you mean.

Weebo · 09/07/2017 20:40

YANBU.

Pasta I have 2 sons and if/when they have children of their own I will be more than happy to wait until mum and baby are home, comfortable and settled.

The mother's comfort would come first.

Being 'devastated' about it all is over-dramatic guff.

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:40

I respect DH's feelings in this. I understand he feels sad but I don't think I'm in the wrong

I get it's a bit disappointing but this is a hard time for me really.

I have lost numerous pregnancies and had a later loss of twins.

I want this special time for just us 3

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paxillin · 09/07/2017 20:40

You are the patient and the midwives are going to stop anyone you don't want there. That said I never understood the need to keep baby a secret from ILs or any other family for days or weeks. Babies are a joy and everyone wants to meet the new grandchild, niece, brother. And since your baby is a boy you may well be the banned MIL in years to come if the MIL banning fashion continues.

alltouchedout · 09/07/2017 20:42

You give birth, you choose who visits you afterwards. Tough shit if anyone thinks it's unfair. Having just been through childbirth fair can kiss your arse.

MissBax · 09/07/2017 20:42

I want this special time for just us 3 - if you'd have said this originally I don't think anyone would have an issue with it but it's not what you said - you said you'd have you mum there is she could make it so it's not just for us 3 is it?

TrainedGiant · 09/07/2017 20:43

Birth can bring such joy to a whole range of relatives. I wanted to share and spread that joy. It's a happy event and I loved the joynit branch. I would have hated to start relations with prickliness and stand offish behaviour.

I don't know your situation. Maybe your MiL deserves to be pushed away. But if she doesn't then it seems a shame to be hurtful rather than just say "half hour visits as we will be exhausted" or something like that.

needsomesunshineandwine · 09/07/2017 20:43

"I want this special time for just us 3"

And your mother if she could be there. I genuinely don't get the need for women to be so awkward around in laws.

PayingMyWayYouSay · 09/07/2017 20:44

Miss To me, my mum extends that but she won't be there anyway so it doesn't really come into play.

I would 100% be comfortable with her, for example, seeing me and my fanjo.

MIL no bloody way in a million years!

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